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Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2097 15 Feb 2014 at 1.48pm  0  Login    Register
It's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do.
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2096 5 Feb 2014 at 6.03pm  0  Login    Register
Apparently scientists are saying semen is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression'

It makes sense, because it's normally the miserable ones who don't ****ing swallow in the first place.
carra
Posts: 883
carra
   Old Thread  #2095 5 Feb 2014 at 4.21pm  0  Login    Register
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "Quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove past'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have visitors,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #2094 30 Jan 2014 at 6.02pm  0  Login    Register
There were five in the bed, and the little one said -

"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much."
carra
Posts: 883
carra
   Old Thread  #2093 30 Jan 2014 at 5.37pm  0  Login    Register
I went to see the doctor with my blonde wife:

"We've been trying & trying for a baby for months," said my wife. "I want to check everything is OK biologically - sometimes I think my husband doesn't care whether I get pregnant or not."

"Do you think you could provide an egg sample?" said the doctor.

"Yes," said my wife. "Last time we had sex he pulled out and came on my face."
ralph69
Posts: 10386
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2092 29 Jan 2014 at 4.43pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2091
i've heard that ken barlow's in trouble for playing with haley's willy aswell
jimmyAd
Posts: 8986
jimmyAd
   Old Thread  #2091 29 Jan 2014 at 1.55pm  0  Login    Register
Bit of a long shot but.....does anyone know of any vans for sale.... my mate roy croppers tranny has just died.
Mr-Magoo
Posts: 9626
Mr-Magoo
   Old Thread  #2090 28 Jan 2014 at 6.26pm  0  Login    Register
two giants walking up and down the lengh and breadth of britain.
one says to the other " where are we ? " 1st giant reaches down through the clouds and says " essex"
2nd giant says" how do you know ?", 1st giant says " i can feel range rovers and great big houses "
as they move up the country the 2nd giant says " where are we now ? " 1st giant reaches down and says "manchester" 2nd giant says " how do you know ? ", 1st giant says " i can feel old trafford "
as they move along a bit further 2nd giant says " where are we now" 1st giant reaches down and says " liverpool " 2nd giant says " how do you know that " 1st giant says " some **** has just nicked me watch "
Great-Blondini
Posts: 11860
Great-Blondini
MODERATOR
   Old Thread  #2089 28 Jan 2014 at 5.22pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2088
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around the classroom.


The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”
>
>
>

“No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2088 21 Jan 2014 at 8.27pm  0  Login    Register
David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .
jimmyAd
Posts: 8986
jimmyAd
   Old Thread  #2087 21 Jan 2014 at 5.47am  0  Login    Register
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI
>
> "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
>
> This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
> Liverpudlian youngsters.
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
> how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
> in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
> existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
> worth of high tech equipment.
>
> It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
> team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
> advantage over every other team.
>
> However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
> practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
> four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
> re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
> of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
> the shower.
>
>
>
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2086 20 Jan 2014 at 10.22pm  0  Login    Register
Emotional scenes in Coronation Street. Hayley Cropper stiff for the first time in 15 years!
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2085 12 Jan 2014 at 2.55pm  0  Login    Register

DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes", the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS". "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." "But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid", the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden"
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2084 11 Jan 2014 at 4.27pm  0  Login    Register


50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
. . . T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread . . .

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week ! !

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominater"!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.

ASH
Posts: 182
ASH
   Old Thread  #2083 10 Jan 2014 at 10.00pm  0  Login    Register
House for sale in Tewkesbury
4 Bed
2 Bath
Ample parking for 30 boats

From a Northener to all those down south, remember we are are are in it together. How much is your ****ing house worth now.

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