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Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2137 8 Jul 2014 at 7.54pm  0  Login    Register
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f***ing chainsaw.
suffolkcarper88
Posts: 96
suffolkcarper88
   Old Thread  #2136 8 Jul 2014 at 7.53pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2135
Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.

I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

and one for the chelsea fans

Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.

Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2135 6 Jul 2014 at 10.55pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2134

Tel
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #2134 4 Jul 2014 at 8.05am  0  Login    Register
Rolf Harris has been instructed to bring his toothbrush to court today on the assumption he'll get a custodial sentence.

I'd take a fine comb too, a toothbrush won't get the cum out of that goatee.
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2133 2 Jul 2014 at 9.20pm  0  Login    Register
Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.

I bet it's man flu
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2132 26 Jun 2014 at 7.54am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2131
Adoption

Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon"

Made me chuckle!!!!!
Tel
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2131 26 Jun 2014 at 7.52am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2130
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Tel
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2130 26 Jun 2014 at 7.50am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2129
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow


”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”


“Sticks”, said Paddy


Tel
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2129 26 Jun 2014 at 7.49am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2128
A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
Well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'



The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.


She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.



The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Tel
diddster
Posts: 273
diddster
   Old Thread  #2128 11 Jun 2014 at 7.33pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2127
The-Don
Posts: 110
The-Don
   Old Thread  #2127 10 Jun 2014 at 10.58am  0  Login    Register
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove all of the fruit that you brought back up your ass without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #2126 1 Jun 2014 at 7.25am  0  Login    Register
Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.

She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.
ralph69
Posts: 10386
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2125 30 May 2014 at 8.52pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2124
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2124 30 May 2014 at 8.43pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2123
ANd another!!!!

Traffic Jam

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
Tel
elltell
Posts: 1492
elltell
   Old Thread  #2123 30 May 2014 at 8.05am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2122
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

Well it made me chuckle!!

Tel
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