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catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #937 21 Jan 2013 at 7.43pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #936
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #936 21 Jan 2013 at 7.31pm  0  Login    Register
Katie Price's dad dropped the phone and rushed to her house with his snow shovel, expecting to have to dig her out of massive snow drifts.

It turned out, Katie misunderstood when her dad had asked how many inches she's had.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #935 21 Jan 2013 at 4.25pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #932
D_Viper
Posts: 3119
D_Viper
   Old Thread  #934 21 Jan 2013 at 11.53am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #933
















(Reels pls. now)
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #933 21 Jan 2013 at 11.52am  0  Login    Register
This morning, I spent an hour digging out the car because of the snow. I then spent a further hour digging the road clear to get my car out of the street. On getting onto the street, my car broke down, so I abandoned it and walked the seven miles to work.

At one point I had to take shelter in a bus stop as the blizzards were that bad they were forcing me back, but I still pushed on. Finally, two hours late I arrived for work, to be greeted by my boss.

"Bloody hell Dave, I'm surprised you're here. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't come in with all this snow" he said.

"Well" I said, "My wife made me come in."

"Really?" he asked. "What did she say?"

"Don't bother going to work, we can spend all day in bed."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #932 21 Jan 2013 at 11.51am  0  Login    Register
I was in Asda earlier, this thick fcuking chav bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"

"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.

"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.

"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought fcuk it, I'll pay by card.

"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.

"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.

I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.

"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.

I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

Don't fcuk with a tired Irishman...

That is all.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #931 21 Jan 2013 at 10.00am  0  Login    Register
New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup,
he has bought himself a new telly.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #930 21 Jan 2013 at 9.57am  0  Login    Register
Since it started snowing the wife keeps on looking through the window.....If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in!
PPPIKER
Posts: 542
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #929 21 Jan 2013 at 9.22am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #928
After Tesco's horesmeat scandal they have now found traces of zebra in there barcodes.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #928 20 Jan 2013 at 8.58am  0  Login    Register
I don't know why there's all that fuss about Tesco's "horse meat" beef burgers.

Carling's been made out of donkey's piss for years!
carpy09
Posts: 13985
carpy09
   Old Thread  #927 20 Jan 2013 at 8.18am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #925
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #926 20 Jan 2013 at 8.11am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #925
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #925 19 Jan 2013 at 6.37pm  0  Login    Register
One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why the fcuk are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms.
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #924 19 Jan 2013 at 10.55am  0  Login    Register
The wife said to me, "I bet you can't go one whole day without cracking a joke about my periods."

"You're on," I said.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #923 19 Jan 2013 at 7.24am  0  Login    Register

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