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MrGrantski
Posts: 953
MrGrantski
   Old Thread  #1177 23 Feb 2013 at 7.28pm  0  Login    Register
At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a **** what you think."
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1176 23 Feb 2013 at 12.29pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1172
ilovefishingme
Posts: 1459
ilovefishingme
   Old Thread  #1175 23 Feb 2013 at 10.24am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1165
nearly wet myself laughing at that one
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1174 23 Feb 2013 at 9.22am  0  Login    Register
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your @rsehole before prison, ..."
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1173 23 Feb 2013 at 8.43am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1171
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1172 22 Feb 2013 at 10.24pm  0  Login    Register
A copper pulls up alongside a 13 year old girl spewing and spitting in coronation street, 'Have you been drinking young lady?' he askes her, to which she replied,

'Yes, i've just had a pint of webster's!'
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1171 22 Feb 2013 at 10.22pm  0  Login    Register
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is randy.
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1170 22 Feb 2013 at 9.45pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1169
There once was a man from Brighton,
who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1169 22 Feb 2013 at 9.41pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1168
How do you make three pounds of fat look attractive?
Put a nipple on it.
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1168 22 Feb 2013 at 9.39pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1167
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."
carpbosh
Posts: 895
carpbosh
   Old Thread  #1167 22 Feb 2013 at 1.38pm  0  Login    Register
what do spurs have that oscar pistorius doesn't?

bale
carpy09
Posts: 13985
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1166 21 Feb 2013 at 6.07pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1165
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1165 21 Feb 2013 at 6.01pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1164
Paddy set Mick up with a a date and says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know.
She's expecting a baby."Mick shrugs his shoulders and say's "OK. I'll give it a go."
The next day Paddy sees Mick and say's "How did it go last night then?"
Mick replies "Not too good.She was half an hour late and l felt a right ***** sat at the bar wearing a nappy and
a f--king bib....
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1164 21 Feb 2013 at 5.53pm  0  Login    Register
What do you call a man with no legs?


F--k all he might shoot you.
ralph69
Posts: 10386
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1163 20 Feb 2013 at 11.22pm  0  Login    Register
my missus said to me " can you explain to me why i found a pair of womens knickers
in youre coat pocket ?
i said yes , its coz youre a ****ing nosey cow
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