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We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.
Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.
Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
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In reply to Post #2779
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A couple were on their honeymoon:
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" Says the wife.
The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions. 
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I had a mate who "batted for the other side" and he was in a gay football league. He was an ardent Wolverhampton Wanderers fan and had their initials tattooed on his buttocks. Every time he went to pick up the soap in the shower, all his mates would go "WoW".
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In reply to Post #2775
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"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!"
I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.
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In reply to Post #2773
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I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that's Heinz sight.
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In reply to Post #2771
Took the wife out for dinner, we played footsie under the table, I had a steak and she got toad in the hole 
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One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
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In reply to Post #2769
Good un that
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Just seen pep guardiola doing his weekly shopping.
I thought he’d be a Morrisons person but no, it’s LLLLLDL
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What do you say to a Contry and Western singer?
I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your dog died and your truck broke down!
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In reply to Post #2766
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Took a girl home after working the doors last night.
After a few drinks at mine, we went upstairs & while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope thats not that fat one from last week".
The girl said "What the fook was that?" "I said its that fooking memory foam mattress"
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In reply to Post #2764
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In reply to Post #2762
Pmsl 
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BREAKING NEWS :
Man shot in city centre today with a starting pistol.
Police are keeping an open mind but think it may be race related.
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In reply to Post #2760
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A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the Pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Arr, well,” said the Pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Arrrr, well” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of a big fat Albatross flew over. As I looked up, the ******* thing only went and shat in me eye didn't it, Arrrr!”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird ****”
“Arr, bejasus lad it was me first day with this feckin hook!”
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In reply to Post #2756
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In reply to Post #2755
Pmsl
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In reply to Post #2754
Heard that one a long time ago
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A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months:
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him. "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me. 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" 🤣
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
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Some good uns there
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In reply to Post #1
Ive just recently spent my entire life savings on a gender reassignment operation"………………now I haven’t got a sausage
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In reply to Post #2750
Love it lol
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I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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I asked a hundred young housewives,
"What's your favourite shower gel?"
the top answer was,,
WTF are you doing in my shower?
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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time."
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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I got a phone call from the school today to inform me my boy was being expelled,
"why" I asked?
"he's been playing doctors and nurses with a girl", the headmaster replied.
I said,"but all kids do that, it's no reason for expulsion".
"he's removed her bloody appendix"
Oh!
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In reply to Post #2744
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2 carp anglers called Dave and Stuart, are seated either side of a table in a
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er......
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A woman knocked on the door today, She said she was collecting for a local swimming pool and would I like to contribute, so I gave her a bucket of water.
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In reply to Post #2741
sign in a shop window
"We sell everything"
Paddy goes in and asks for a chicken jumper,
salesman says I'll go out the back and check,
comes back a few minutes later with a brown
paper bag, gives it to Paddy and says that will
be £6, Paddy pays and goes out, he stops
and looks into the bag, there is a condom and
nothing else, Paddy storms back into the shop
and says I asked for a chicken jumper, salesman
says sorry sir we are out of them, the closest
we have is a pullover for a cock.
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Dave and Carol came round for an evening of poker,
all was going well till I dropped a card, I went under
the table to pick it up and noticed Carol came commando
(no drawers), after a while we decided to have a break, I
went in to the kitchen followed by Carol, she said did you
see anything you liked under the table, yes I said, she said
you can have it for £50, I agreed and she said come round
Friday afternoon thats when Dave plays golf, Friday came,
she got Rogered I paid and left, Dave came home and asked
did Jim come round this afternoon, she sheepishly said yes,
and did he give you £50, she nodded, oh thats good, he came
by the club this morning to borrow £50 and he would pay it
back today.
Now that's a poker plater.
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Cucumber`s are great for your memory 40 years ago someone shoved one up my m8s bum and he still remembers it
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In reply to Post #2737
True story, once went into Pulse and Cocktails, some weird goings on in the mega store
After laughing at all the outfits, rubber fists, arms and what have you , the one that made me chuckle the most was a brown arse with an hole and two handles on the side, bit like a dinner tray, WTF
Imagine the wife catching you with that under the bed, all of a sudden the dildo looks like a teaspoon
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In reply to Post #2736
Heres 1 for ya Scozza, you can relate to this. 
When a girl buys a Vibrator, it's cool, but when a guy buys that FcukMaster 5000 Pro Latex blow up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating pussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic orgasm 7.1 surround sound system, he's a perv, Just don't make sense to me.
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In reply to Post #2735
You be careful Jim having a sense of humour these days 
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In reply to Post #2733
Crackers, yeah, thats me, hope your keeping well
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In reply to Post #2733
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, mounted the pavement wiped out 2 fences and a shed, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby buggy. For a second everything went quiet, then the passenger said,
fcuk me your touchy I only tapped you on the shoulder to ask you something,
The driver said today is my first day as a cabbie I've been driving a hearse for the last 12 years.
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In reply to Post #2732
Crackers Jim
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Dear Marge
Yesterday my boyfriend said anal sex could relieve
constipation, I wasn't sure about that but after a long
chat I agreed to give it a go, so, we got down to it, he
shoved his spam ram into the chocolate box and
banged away for what felt like eternity, then he shot
his muck and pulled out, glad that was over, he phoned
me this morning to say it didn't work and he wants to
do it again, what should I do.
Sue Brown, West Yorkshire.
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The village doctor was about to retire and
a much younger doc came to take over, old
doc said come with me on my rounds and
meet some of the patients, in the 1st cottage
the woman complained about stomach pains,
old doc said try to eat less fruit then they left,
young doc said "you didn't examine her" how
did you reach that conclusion, old doc said
when I dropped my pen I saw a lot of banana
skins in the bin, in the next cottage the woman
said she was tired all the time, the young doc said
take it easy, do less for the church, when they
got out side old doc said I know that lady very
well and she is a church warden, but how did
you reach your decision, young doc said when
I dropped my pen I saw the vicar under the bed.
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Two Jewish friends, Cohen and Zachary were chatting and suddenly Cohen blurted out, " I've got something important to tell you, I've just won the lottery and scooped 10 million pounds." "That's wonderful news", said Zach but being a more practical man said, "Yes but what about the begging letters?" Cohen though about it for a moment and replied "Oh yes, I'll still keep on sending those!"
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I went to a seminar recently, and the speaker asked me to name something I was not very good with starting with the letter N.
Spelling I replied
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In reply to Post #2727
better safe than sorry, don't want to get "Banged" up, if you know what I mean.
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In reply to Post #2726
I saw the funny side, I guess others wouldn’t
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In reply to Post #2724
not in good taste.
I will remove.
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In reply to Post #2723
Crackers Jim, nice to see somebody with a sense of humour, jokes seem to be a thing of the past sadly
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In reply to Post #2722
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2 guys in court for dealing drugs for the 1st time, judge says
I'll give you a chance to prove you will not do it again, go out
this weekend and see how many people you can get to stop
taking drugs and I will see you both back here on Monday,
back in court the judge asks the 1st guy what kind of weekend
did you have, he said pretty good I got 17 to stop
taking drugs, judge says thats good how did you do that,
I drew 2 circles 1 small and 1 big, I told them that when you start
taking drugs your brain is the big one and after tacking drugs your
brain is the small one, well done says the judge, then asks the 2nd guy
how about you, he said I got 138 to stop, judge says wow what did
you do, I did the same with 2 circles and told them the small one
is your ass when you go to prison and.....
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A woman stopped me in the street and asked
"do you want to buy a ticket for the police mans ball"
I said sorry luv I don't dance, she said "its a raffle".
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A boy asks his dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
dad says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pound. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pound. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The boy asks his mother. “Mum, if someone gave you a million pound, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then asks his sister, if someone gave you a million pound, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, Definitely!
The boy goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve worked it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million pound, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.
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Was in B&Q earlier on today, and some c*nt in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking…..luckily enough i got the first few punches in
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I was walking the dog today, around a nice country village, and noticed a beautiful cottage with a for sale sign in the garden…… as I was admiring the cottage the current owner came out, and i asked if i could look round……
He replied you look round enough to me you fat tw@t
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I kid asks his mum and dad why they decided to name his sister Teresa. "We'll", replied his dad, "both me and your mother both really love easter and teresa is an anagram of easter". "Anyway, whats with all the questions Alan?"
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In reply to Post #2716
Crackers
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A guy goes to India for a penis transplant, it was
recommended that he has the baby elephant trunk,
a few weeks later he was in a restaurant with
his new girlfriend, he feels a happy movement in his
under crackers, YES, he thinks tonight could be
the night, then all of a sudden his Hampton burst
out of his pants shoots up onto the table takes an
apple and goes back down, WOW says the girl,
can you do that again, yes he says my old chap
can but my arse cant take another apple.
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In reply to Post #2714
I know some people are very worried about the rising cost of petrol, but it doesn't bother me too much as I always just put £30 in ...
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Ive just seen on Sky Sports that Everton cannot sell any tickets whatsoever this season….
They havent been sanctioned, they just cant sell any tickets
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Today I thought I'd go for a game of golf at my local golf club, and a woman playing golf hits me near by
She rushes over to me and I am rolling on the the ground, screaming!! In pain with my hands between my legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve my pain. Since she is a doctor, I agreed, She gently moves my hands to my side, and unzips my zipper and puts her hands inside, She massages me tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
I replied: "It feels great! but I still think my thumb is broken".
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Janet Street Porter goes into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif". The barman says, "I'd seriously doubt it luv!".
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Boy
Mum, is it bad to have a penis?
Mum
No it isn't, why do you ask.
Boy
Dad's upstairs trying to pull his off.
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Responce:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
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After the recent murders of Tony the Tiger, the Honey Monster and the Coco Pop Chimp, police believe that they are looking for a cereal killer!
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I went fishing with Gazza. He gave me a chocolate bar and I ate it. "Oh Gazza", I said, "this taste of coconut". "Oh aye, it's bounty", he replied.
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A young guy starts work in a super store, manager says I'll serve a couple of customers so you get the idea on what to do, he asks a lady "can I help you" she wants a hose pipe, we have 10, 20, or a 30ft, she takes the 30, he says can I interest you in a lawn mower, "why" she asks, your going to water the lawn why not cut it, ok she buys a lawn mower.
He asks a guy the same question, he wants fertiliser, we have 5, 10, or 20KG bags, he buys the 10, when asked about the lawn mower he agrees with the reason and buys one.
Its now the youngsters turn, he asks a woman can I help you, she wants some tampons, he says we have 5, 10 or a 15 pack which one would you like, she takes the 15 pack, the youngster then asks would you like a lawn mower, she says why the hell would I want a lawn mower, he replies well, your weekend is f***** you may as well cut the grass.
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Some Johovah Witnesses knocked on Paddy's door. He said he didn't know there was an accident!
Did you hear about the Jewish Detective who had a tip-off?
I once took my car to a Jewish garage to have it Simonized. When I picked it up a few hours later I found out they had chopped 3 inches off the exhaust pipe!
A dyslexic bloke was wondered around the piste not knowing what to do. He went up to a bloke and said, "I'm confused, am I supposed to zig-zag or is it zag-zig?" "Don't ask me", replied the bloke, "I'm a tobogganist". "Oh, I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please", he replied.
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A woman go's into a bar, throws her arm in the air showing very hairy armpits and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", you could hear a pin drop, the drunk at the other end of the bar shouts "give the ballerina a drink", a while later she does the same again, throws her arm in the air and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", the drunk calls the barman and says give the ballerina a drink, barman whispers to the drunk its your money and your choice but why do you call her a ballerina? drunk replies any woman that throw her legs that high must be a ballerina.
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In reply to Post #2703
3 bloke talking one said the fastest thing must be electricity because you switch the light switch and the light comes on straight away
2nd one says no its got to be sound thats the fastest you open your mouth say something and the sound is instant
the 3rd man say nope your both wrong its got to be Diarrhea thats the fastest
the other 2 laughed and said how do you explain that ?
well last night I woke up in the night with Diarrhea and before I could turn the light on or shout I had **** myself
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In reply to Post #2702
Keir Starmer 
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no ******* bike!"...
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In reply to Post #2
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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In reply to Post #2698
Bloke goes to the sperm bank with his wife, they are trying for kids and he can’t get her pregnant. He decides to go for some tests.
Doctor comes over “if you would like to go in the cubicle over there and get me a sample in this bottle we will get It analysed. There are some magazines on the side if you need them”
His wife and the doctor are waiting outside. After 10 minutes of banging and clattering and all kinds of moaning noises his wife knocks on the door “have you done it yet?
“No”he replies “go away and keep quite, I am trying to concentrate”
After another 5 minutes the doctor knocks on the door, “are you alright in there?
Go away he says, I am trying my best, they stood waiting...
After another 5 minutes the door finally flys open and he staggers out of the cubicle dripping in sweat.“Well doctor, i can’t believe this, I’ve had it in my left hand, I’ve had it in my right hand, I have even had it in my mouth, I also trapped it in the gap of the door and I still can’t get the lid off this ****ing bottle 
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In Ireland, a young kid sits sobbing his heart out on his doorstep. A man walks past as says "What's the matter child?" "It's me mam", the kid wails "She's just died." "Sweet mother of Jesus, that is bad news" replied the man, "Shall I call a priest?" "No, it's alright" replied the kid, "I'm pretty upset as it is and don't want a sore bum as well!"
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In reply to Post #2683
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall - “Dam!”
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In reply to Post #2
What’s a fish’s favorite musical instrument? - A bass drum.
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Oxford University commissioned a study to understand why the penis has a bulbous tip. After several years research and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to heighten the sexual pleasure gained by the male.
Not to feel left out, Cambridge University also commissioned a study and after several years and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to heighten the pleasure gained by the female.
The Jocks felt they had to chip in their two pennyworth and commissioned Glasgow University to conduct a study. After several years and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to stop the male from smashing into his forehead!
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In reply to Post #2693
Love it, although I admit had to think about it a few moments
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A women has been married for a few years and visits her mother. During the conversation, she mentioned that there had been some problems "in the bedroom." "I've been married to your father for 30 years and so nothing nothing you say can shock me." she said. "Well" replied the daughter, "he wants to stick it in my other other hole." "That's disgusting" boomed the mother, "I hope you refused." "Oh, of course I did" replied the daughter, "I don't want a houseful of bloody kids!"
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Not the best of drives from Tiger Woods, straight in the rough
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In reply to Post #2690
Or watch this one. An American women is terrified after the Trump election debacle and screams into her phone, priceless!
Heavy Metal Karen
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2689
I've seen a few of his videos. Bloody brilliant. You should check out the one with the angry shoppers...
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Watch this, the funniest thing I've ever seen on YouTube. Two religious nutcases handing down their judgement on Covid 19, while a bloke accompanies it with a heavy metal overlay.
Absolute nutters!
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I had a gay mate who played football in a "pink" league. He was a big Wolverhampton Wanders fan and had their initials tattooed on his buttocks. Every time he dropped the soap in the shower and went to pick it up, all his mates said "WoW!"
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in reply to # 2682
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In reply to Post #2683
Crackers
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My mate just rang me and he has unfortunately caught Covid 19 from his cat....dont ask meow
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A vicar happened to chance upon a young girl walking her dog. "Hello little girl, what's your name?" he enquired. "Rosemary", she replied. "My mummy was going to call me Mary but whilst lying in the garden, a rose petal fell on her tummy with me inside and so she called me Rosemary". "Oh, that's lovely" said the vicar. "And what's your doggies name?" "Porky", she replied. "It's that because he's a little bit fat?" asked the vicar. "No", she replied, "it's because he f*cks pigs!"
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A man with no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
Three women, from England , Wales and Scotland were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said “No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, “No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said,
“'Ave ya ever been f*cked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
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Watched a Bollywood porn movie last night, Come Dan Singh.
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An Indian man has being arrested for assaulting his wife.
Chindda Gudandproppa denies all charges.
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Few days ago I was diagnosed as being colour blind. Didn’t see that coming, came right out of the purple.
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A homo sexual visited the Doctors and said, "I've been a bit promiscuous recently and I've got a sore bum, can you give me anything for it?" The Doctor wrote out a note and handed it to him. As he was walking out the door, the bloke said, "'Ere what's this? Ten pints of lager, vindaloo curry washed down with liver salts. Will that cure it?" "Probably not" replied the Doctor, "but at least it should remind you what your arse should be used for!"
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I was sat in with the careers teacher at school with my parents. "Your son shows no aptitude for his lessons, is constantly late, rude to his teachers and shows no empathy for his fellow pupils" was his assessment of my performance. "As far as jobs go, his career path will be severely limited". "Perhaps he could be a lavatory cleaner?" chipped in my Dad. "Or he could always works on the bins" my Mum said hopefully. "No, I don't think he would suitable" was my teachers honest but brutal reply. "There must be something he could do?" pleaded my father. The teacher sighed and said, "I'm afraid the only option for him is to be a controller at First Bus".
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Wife “will you stop playing with yourself”
Husband “ but the. Doctor said i can touch myself whenever i want”
Wife “NO he never, he said “you may have a stroke at anytime”
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10 years ago today my mate came running in the bar tears streaming down his face shouting" Its a boy " "Its a boy "
We have never been to thailand since .😀
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I got a job at the local pasta factory but only lasted a few days due to me making a fusilli mistakes.
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In reply to Post #2672
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Why can't Trump enter the Whitehouse soon ,
Because it's forbiden
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In reply to Post #1
My therapist told me to write letters to the people i hate then burn them , so , i'm just wondering what to do with the letters now !
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Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I have ever seen
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What do you say to a Country and Western singer?
"Sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your truck broke down and your dog died!"
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The barmen says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve time travelers in here".
A time traveler walks into a pub........
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In reply to Post #2664
I bought a dozen bees from a bee keeper,when I checked i realised he had made a mistake and gave me 13,nice chap said keep it its a free bee.
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2663
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Met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area the other day.
He had a Wigan address.
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https://youtu.be/QMKWmmU63aU
Watch from just before 2 mins
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In reply to Post #2660
That was brilliant 🤣
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Not a joke as such but very funny
LINK
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What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce and a tomato?.
Chicken Caesar salad.
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In reply to Post #2657
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Deliveroo are changing their name
To Deliver flu...
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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What do you call a constipated detective?
....
....
No sh*t sherlock
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In reply to Post #2644
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Took the wife out for a romantic dinner tonight. We played footsie under the table. I had lasagna, she got toad in the hole
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me and the wife sat down for dinner, she nearly choked to death when I told her I put ginger in the curry, Christ.....she loves that cat.
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In reply to Post #2651
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Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pains, doc checks him out and says well I can't find anything wrong, must be the drink, Paddy says ok doc I'll come back when your sober.
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In reply to Post #2649
Gutted as my beloved pet mouse named Elvis died recently due to getting caught in a trap.
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Paddy says to Mick I've just found a pen, is it yours? Mick replies give it here, then writes on a scrap of paper, yes says Mick, it is mine, Paddy says how can you be so sure, Mick says its MY hand writing.
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In reply to Post #2646
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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To the person who stole my glasses....
I will find you....
I have contacts
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2644
Brilliant
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A guy was going into the mental home, he stopped and asked the doctor "how do you judge wether a patient is sane or not" the doc replied "we fill a bath with water and put a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket next to it and ask the patient to empty the bath", ah, I get it, the normal person will choose the bucket, the doc said "no, the normal person will pull the plug, would you like a bed near the window.
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The lad asked me if I’d bring him 6 cans of sprite over and when i was almost there I realised I’d picked 7 up.
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In reply to Post #2639
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A guy goe's to the doctor's complaining about a little bump in the middle of his forehead, Doc say's have you been attacked or had an accident? no replies the guy, doc ask's doe's it hurt?, no, Doc gave him some cream and said if it dosn't go down in a week come back, a week passes and the guy goe's back, look doc it's getting bigger, Mmmm says the doc, its beginning to stick out more, doc says keep applying the cream and I will make some enquiries, another week passes, the guy is back to see the doc, now the bump resembles a sausage, doc says it looks like a very rare complaint called Penisitis which means it will grow to the size of your penis, FFS said the guy, are you telling me every time I have a shave and look in the mirror I'm going to see this cock on my forehead, No said the doc your nuts will be covering your eye's you won't see a thing.
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In reply to Post #2640
I've just finished reading Victoria Beckham's autobiography. It tells about why she denied having a boob job, the real truth about herself and the things most precious in her life. It's called "The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe!"
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In reply to Post #2638
talking about Viagra, my granddad went to the chemist and asked for half a dose of Viagra, the guy behind the counter said sorry we don't sell half measures but why do you only want half? granddad said I don't want a full blown stiffy just enough to stop me p1ssing on my slippers.
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Its been a funny old day today
it started off really well when I found a hat full of money !!
but then I got chased by a loony man with a guitar ?
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In reply to Post #2637
Viagra is just a trade name, now the license has expired you can buy the generic drug Mycoxafloppin.
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I was watching the viagra connect advert earlier, 4.3 million men in the U.K. experience erectile problems?
Looking at 20 million of the fat arsed ugly woman in the UK I can understand why
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The Mrs asked ‘what do i excel in’, wasn’t too impressed when I told her ‘underwear’.
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Angie: Hey Sharon, I don’t feel well, I have a very sore throat.
Sharon: ooo that’s bad, when I have a sore throat I give me old man a blow job and the next day there’s a big improvement, try that, it can’t do any harm.
2 days later
Angie: Hey Sharon, I did wot you said and it doe’s work but your old man didn’t believe it was your idea.
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In reply to Post #2633
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In reply to Post #1
Paddy:why do scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat Murphy :cos if they fall forward they would still be in the boat
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Just been recommended the Adam Ant diet.....
‘Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever’.
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In reply to Post #2630
People are always asking what will you be doing next year....
How do I know it’s not as if I have 2020 vision
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Special thanks to my neighbour who lent me some sheeting to put on the windscreen during this freezing weather.
Ta Pauline.
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What do you call a french man wearing open toe shoes?
Felipe Falope!
Happy Brexit, whoops....Happy New Year!
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In reply to Post #2627
What is a chickens favourite footwear?
Reebok, bok, bok, bokarrr
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In reply to Post #2626
Indeed you do.
Happy Xmas mate.
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In reply to Post #2625
You have to laugh, all in a night out
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In reply to Post #2624
What a lad.
My mate took the bus from the bus station, dropped the lads off at twigg street and as they were getting off asked them for the fare.,...
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In reply to Post #2623
No, different initials. Quite a few years ago now. Its the same lad who drive a JCB on a night out through a supermarket window of a “southern holiday” resort. Quite a character, got sent down
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In reply to Post #2622
Stranglely enough my mate did the same....
Not the same mate is it, couldn’t be, surely?.
Initials of my mate who did that........C.B
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In reply to Post #2619
Good un that
Reminds me of a lad I know who once pinched a coach and did the same, took all his mates home
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In reply to Post #2619
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Skeleton goes into a bar, orders a pint of lager and a mop.
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In reply to Post #2618
A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the shots Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my van at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
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Went to the doctors the other day , he told me to take up a hobby that gets me out of the pub ,
So I started smoking again
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In reply to Post #2615
10 Pinter that
What’s the most popular owl in the world?
Tea towel
Why do they call pirates, pirates?
Cause they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
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In reply to Post #2615
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My son said to me ‘what rhymes with orange’. I said ‘it doesn’t’.
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In reply to Post #2613
Tampax have announced that they are to replace the string with tinsel, but only for the Christmas period.
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Was late the other day on my way to work. Got stuck behind a tractor as the driver was shouting ‘the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is nigh’. I think it was farmer Geddon.
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In reply to Post #2611
Son- Dad why is my sister called Teresa
Dad- Because you’re mum loves Easter - it’s an anagram
Son- Thanks Dad
Dad- No problem Alan
🥊🥊
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In reply to Post #2610
I’m here all week...
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In reply to Post #2609
Now that's better .
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In reply to Post #2608
The letter ‘u’ would appropriately fit in there somewhere.
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In reply to Post #2607
Hmmm
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What goes in and out and stinks of p155?.
Your grandparents doing the Hokey Cokey.
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In reply to Post #2605
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In reply to Post #2604
, i went into the jewellers today and said to the fella , " I've come to buy a watch " , he said analogue , I said no , just the watch
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In reply to Post #2603
That's a bit insensitive, I had to put my dog down today.
Weighed a bloody ton.
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In reply to Post #2602
I went to the dentist today he said say aahhhh , I said why , he said coz my dog died
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In reply to Post #2601
Hold up... Black footballers staying away from football grounds because of racism!
What feck is west hams excuse then cause they have not turned up this season🤣
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2600
You're a wrong 'un ralphy
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In reply to Post #2599
Sorry mate , never saw them , thought you was on about carpypats post from 6years ago 😂
Anyway , what do you call a black man ...............😂
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2598
Peace and love man....
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In reply to Post #2597
Stop being so PC and get you hair cut.
Bloody hippies 
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2596
Alright ralphy.
There was a load of posts about offensive jokes and I was putting my pov across.
But... now they've all gone!
Maybe I'm losing my marbles in my old age!
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In reply to Post #2595
Wtf are you on about malster ?
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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Have to say that the mods got it right.
The argument that if people are offended then they shouldn't read the thread just doesn't wash (sorry ralphy). Should black footballers who are offended by racist chants be told they should avoid football grounds? Of course not. If your sister complains some prat felt her bum in a club would you say she shouldn't go clubbing?
It's a public forum and the mods need to regulate accordingly.
If that means you are going to sulk and not post then maybe bit says more about what you find funny than what others find offensive.
Keep the thread going. I often have a good laugh reading it. It's almost as funny as some of magoos posts on the footy thread
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In reply to Post #2593
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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In reply to Post #2548
To the thief that stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now.
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Q. What's the difference between football and Tommy Robinson ?
A. Footballs coming home
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*****s are like ****ing kebabs , you only wanna eat one when you're ****ing piss3d
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In reply to Post #2587
Mate of mine has just got a job at a funeral directors.
He ran up to the owner and said "Hey Boss, that little old lady over there has got a prawn sticking out from between her legs".
The boss went to have a look and said "You stupid sod, that's her clitoris".
"Well it tasted like a prawn" he said.
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The old Guy went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the toilet during the night, then said: I must be blessed, God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm finished", later that day, the doc called the old guys wife and said: "his test results were fine, but he claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the toilet at night,”
wife said “the silly old sod, he’s been peeing in the fridge again”.
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In reply to Post #2586
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In reply to Post #1
Got back from the lake the other day and found my wife in bed with my best friend..
Obviously I kicked her out, I'm not going to stand for it! As for my best friend I sat down with him, looked him straight in the eyes and said 'bad dog'
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In reply to Post #1
My therapist told me that a good way to let go of my anger was to write letters to the people I hate and to burn them.
I did that, and the hereapists suggestion was right, I do feel a lot better.
But now I am wondering if I should I keep the letters?
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
I arrived at the bus stop the other day to find a rather plump lady waiting.
"When's it due"? I asked.
"I'm not pregnant you cheeky git" she replied.
"I meant the bus you fat c*nt" I said.
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In reply to Post #1
A priest was called to perform an exorcism on a chicken coop.
He managed to rid it of a poultrygeist.
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
A friend’s wife asked him what he was doing today.
“Nothing planned” was his reply.
She then reminded him that he had done nothing the previous day.
Quick as a flash he came back with.
“I know. I haven’t finished yet”
Tel
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guy goes into the clinic says "I've got a strawberry up my arse" Doc says I've got some cream for that.
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In reply to Post #2577
Bill & Ben lying in bed.
Bill says "Flibber, flobba, flibber flobba"
Ben says "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"
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In reply to Post #2578
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
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In reply to Post #2576
Tel
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In reply to Post #2575
It's hard to find any good chemistry jokes anymore
All the best Argon
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In reply to Post #2574
Teacher. OK class, when we visited the farm today can you tell me what sounds we heard.
Sarah. I heard Bah Bah.
James. I heard snort snort.
Billy. I heard "get off that f****** tractor"
.
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Donald trump goes to the hospital for a circumcision. The doctor says I can not operate on this man, There's no end to this p#@ck!!
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Mick says to Paddy "why did you name your dogs Rolex & Timex"?
Paddy replied coz there're watch dogs
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I came home from work tonight and the missus says "can I have £5000."
What for I ask her.
She says I want it for a boob job.
You don't need £5000 I said, all you need is a bit of toilet roll. Rub it in between your boobs twice a day and your boobs will be enormous.
Really, she said.
Of course, look what it's done for your arse.
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One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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I hate my insomnia
But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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Handy tip.
When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'
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A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.
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A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.
There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.
The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.
Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.
He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.
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In reply to Post #2561
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In reply to Post #2560
Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...
Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....
"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."
At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.
Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.
Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...
"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...
"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy
No there's a train coming!!
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Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin
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Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"
Woman replies "why's that"
Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".
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Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.
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In reply to Post #2556
I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.
"google earth"
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In reply to Post #2555
Excellent
Dad theres a bloke at the door with a bald head
Tell him to **** off I've got one
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In reply to Post #2553
Dad , there's a bloke knocking the door with a beard .
Well no wonder I couldn't ****ing hear him.
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In reply to Post #2552
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I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.
So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".
To which he told me to f#ck off.......
Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
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I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".
So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
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I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
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I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"
can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said
no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.
Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
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Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2543
i went to the zoo the other day
all they had was a little oriental sounding dog
it was a shih tzu
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In reply to Post #2546
Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
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A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
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In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention
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In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2542
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"
Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?
Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian
Assistant. ----- I doupt it
Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish
Assistant. ----- Proberly not
Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish
Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Tel
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In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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An unemployed man went into a job center in Devon and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Enticed by the job title, he went in
and asked the clerk for details of the position.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist .
You have to help the women out of there underwear , lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.
"The annual salary is 125.000 , and if you are interested you will have to travel to Inverness Scotland ".
"Good grief....Is that where the job is?"
"No sir..... that's where the end of the line is for applicants right now.
😂😂
Tel
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Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target. 🎯
From the kitchen wife asks the husband :
"What are u doing?"
Husband : "MISSING YOU DARLING"
👍
Tel
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a 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom, the 7 year old says it's time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast I'll start then you, OK, the 4 year old says yeah OK, they go down and mum says what do you want for breakfast? the 7 year old says Coco pops Bitch, whack, he gets a clout round the head and ends up on the floor, she turns to the 4 year old and says what about you, well it won't be f***ing Coco pops.
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2532
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two cannibal's eating a clown (not me) one turns to the other and says does this taste funny to you?
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In reply to Post #1
Donald trump goes to the hospital for his circumcision. The doctor walks in and says "I cannot operate on this man, there's no end to this *****"
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In reply to Post #2531
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Boy says to mum , I've got the biggest nob at nursery , is it because I'm a scouser , no she replies
It's because you're 28 and a ****ing retard now be a good lad and don't get you're spaghetti hoops
Down you're Liverpool shirt
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If someone tries to assassinate president Trump will his bodyguards shout Donald , Duck
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Kids know far to much these days , today in the doctors waiting room a little girl was playing with
Ken and Barbie dolls imitating the doggy position . I bent down and whispered , you'll end up
With baby dolls if you keep doing that , she replied I don't think so dickhead , he's doing her up
The ar$e
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Got chatting to this bird in a club the other night and she whispered in my ear "fancy coming back to mine , I've got a fanny like a polo " , to right I said .
Got her home and dropped her draws then I gasped , she said you look shocked , I said i thought you meant
The mint , not the ****ing hatchback
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A guy goes in to a pub, he grabs a guy at the bar, sticks a gun up his trumpet and says "who's been shagging my wife"? The barman laughed and said "you don't have enough bullets".
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The wife had her teeth whitened last night, but to be honest I think most of it went on her chin.
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In reply to Post #2522
👍🏼😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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As it is the time of the year.
A little boy asks his mother: "Mom, can I have a puppy for Christmas?"
His mother replies: "You'll have turkey same as everybody else."😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
A couple are out shopping before Christmas and get separated in the crowds.
After a while the wife phones the husband to ask where he is.
The husband replies: "Do you remember 5 years ago when were looking in the window of that little jewellers? The one where you saw that beautiful diamond bracelet; and I said that one day in the future, when I could afford it, I would buy it for you."
The wife, choking back the tears replies:
"Oh yes darling, I remember"
"Well" said the husband "I'm in the pub next door 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
Seasonal advice - don't drink and drive.
Last night for example, I was out with the lads and had a few pints followed by several whiskies. So I decided it was better to take a bus home. On the way I passed a patrol car stopping all the cars and doing breath tests. Boy was I glad, and I got home safely.
Which was lucky really, because I'd never driven a bus before, and can't remember where I got it from...
Tel
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The wife got out of the shower and said "as a special Christmas treat I've shaved my pussy, you know what that means" I said "yeah the ****ing drain is blocked again".
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Just got a new high tech bed for Christmas, the "Micro wave" type........you get a full nights sleep in 20 minutes 
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Years ago I once walked in on my nan giving my grandad a nosh , I was in total shock coz I thought she
Buried it with the rest of him
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Just watched a scouse family on family fortunes , you should have seen there faces when Vernon Kay said you have a chance to steal
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In reply to Post #2517
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paddy spot's a tasty bird with big jugs at a party, he go's over to her and gets her several drinks then asks "do you want to come back to my place so we can make love" she said I would but I'm on my menstrual cycle, paddy says that's ok you go on ahead and I'll follow on my Honda.
O god .....the old ones are still the......old ones......
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In reply to Post #2515
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My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
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The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Another 'best joke of all time'
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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In reply to Post #2507
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What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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In reply to Post #2507
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In reply to Post #2506
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend carp fishing with his mate.
When he finally got home on Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife!
After two hours she stopped nagging and said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Farmer in a field rounding his sheep up with his dog. Man walks around the corner and says to the farmer, hey farmer, if I can tell you how many sheep you have got in that field in the next 3 seconds can I have one?
Farmer says, Ok then, try it, Man replies, 787.
The farmer astonished, how did you know that, man replies, I'm just good with numbers. Ok mate, fair play, get yourself up the field and get one
The man comes walking down with the hill, the farmer says, Oi, if I can tell you where you come from can I have my sheep back.
Bloke says, yeah, fair play, the farmer replies, Dublin, Southern Ireland. The man replies **** me, how did you know that?
Farmer replies, put the ****ing dog down...
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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Joke of the day
Why We Vote in November :D
Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."
"Why's that?"
"Better selection of turkeys!"
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Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador", "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?', No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear, 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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In reply to Post #2500
Nice one
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95% of scousers admit to having sex in the shower , the other 5% ain't been inside yet .
Alright malster
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In reply to Post #1
hi all. here's my joke of the day:
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me.
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My missus told me she was leaving me because I'm immature and we should set a date so we can talk about the state of our marriage .
She can **** off if she thinks I'm doing that in the middle of the conker season .
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In reply to Post #2494
And yours
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In reply to Post #2493
so doe's yours
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In reply to Post #2490
Yes she does
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In reply to Post #2478
Can't stop laughing, luckyjim
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In reply to Post #2489
PMSL
I had a wife, once lol
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In reply to Post #2489
Sounds like my wife but she doesn't take it up the arse and she's useless with the kids
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In reply to Post #2488
The old bill knocked my door last night holding a picture of my wife, they said " excuse me sir , is this you're wife" , l said "yes" . He replied " I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus " . I said "I know , but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids .
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went to a show the other night, there was a hypnotist, boy he was good, swinging his pocket watch left to right and back again he had 7 guys under his spell in no time, as he turned to the audience he stumbled and dropped the watch, it broke into a thousand pieces, as he bent down to pick up the bits he said f*** me and what I saw in the next 5 minutes will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home, feeling well randy and full of confidence he leans his hand on the wall and says "darling will you give me a blowjob"
"no my parents will see us"
"oh come on who's gonna see us at this hour"
"no, can you imagine if we get caught"
"oh come on they're all asleep"
"no its just too risky"
"please please I love you so much"
"I love you too but I just can't "
"I beg you"
then the landing light goes on and the girls sister comes down the stairs, in a sleepy voice says "dad says give him a blowjob, or I can do it, or if need be he'll do it but for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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Jack Wiltshire has fallen out of the transfer window and will be out for four months
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Mick O'Reilly raised his beer glass and said "here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me lovely wife", he won the best toast of the night, went home and told the wife, aye did you now, what was the toast? "here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife", next day the wife bumps into one of Mick's drinking pals, hello Mary he chuckles I see Mick won the best toast of the night and it was about you, yes she said though I'm a bit surprised he's only been in there twice in the last 4 years, the first time I had to pull his ear to make him come and the second he fell asleep.
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Paddy is holding down a good job at The Natural History museum then one day a Yank said hey buddy what is that? paddy replied that boss is a Mammoth it's very old, really, how old is it? this one is 4 million years 8 months, Wow said the yank, how can they get the age so accurate? well said paddy it was 4 million years old when I got the job and I've been hear 8 months now.
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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In reply to Post #2480
brill
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Went to my first Isis birthday party today , musical chairs was a bit slow but **** me pass the parcel weren't half quick .
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My neighbor just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line ,
**** me , I nearly sh1t her pants
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A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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In reply to Post #2
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!
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In reply to Post #1
My missus left me because of my obsession with the footy , bitch , we'd been together ten seasons
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In reply to Post #2473
Paddy opens Micks fridge and asks him why he keeps a empty bottle of milk in their.
In case somebody wants a black coffe you thick **** was his reply
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In reply to Post #2472
I met our postman at the gate the other day, I don't know what surprised him more, the fact that I was naked or the fact that I knew where he lived
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Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
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In reply to Post #2470
There's an Englishman , Irishman ,Scotsman and normally a Welshman but he's still in France
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In reply to Post #2469
Word has it that the Welsh have found another use for their sheep. .....it's called wool.
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In reply to Post #2466
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Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"
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In reply to Post #2466
boom boom ......boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
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A blokes fat wife walks into the kitchen and says , didn't you just hear me fall down the stairs ?
He says , sorry love , I thought you were watching the start of east Enders
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2 girls at the cinema watching a film.......after a while one girl turns to the other and says ere the bloke next to me is playing wiv imself..........oh just ignore him..........I can't he's using my hand.
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A daughter asked her mother, "how do you spell 'scrotum'?" mum replied, " you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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In reply to Post #2461
my sister had big problems being a kleptomaniac , when it was too much for her she would take something for it.
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In reply to Post #2460
Thinking of selling my hoover, its just collecting dust.
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In reply to Post #2459
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I said to my missus this morning , you look just like a saint "
She said , "ohh , do I really "
I said yeah, a ****ing Saint Bernard
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In reply to Post #2456
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In reply to Post #2456
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading This..
You hang in there......
Tel
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How unlucky is my mate , he went in hospital today to have his tonsils out and some ****er turned the trolley round
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Last year my wife ran away with the neighbour.
I still miss him.
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Billy said to Johnny like your new phone, yeah said Johnny you’ll never guess how I got it, I came home early from Sunday school and caught mum and dad at it like rabbits so they bought me the phone to stay the full session you should try it, yeah says Billy I’ll give it a go, the next Sunday Billy go’s home early and catches his parents at it doggy fashion, as he stood in the doorway his dad says OH hello Billy what do you want? I wanna watch, ok son come in and sit over there.
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In reply to Post #2452
Well it made me chuckle when I had it arrive on my phone, almost as much as reading the football thread on here😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #2449
That's quality
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In reply to Post #2449
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In reply to Post #2449
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In reply to Post #1
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
The next quote is, “I had a dream!”
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”
“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”
“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “bloody Asians!”
“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”
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In reply to Post #2447
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In reply to Post #1
Two blokes walking through a jungle when they see a crocodile with a blokes head sticking out of its mouth. One says to his mate, look at that flash barsteward hes only got a lacoste sleeping bag
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Mick goes in to a flag shop to get a flag for the queen's birthday, bejazzus oy'll have a green union jack says Mick, the assistant is in tears with laughter and says they are red,white and blue, OK says Mick oy'll have a blue one
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In reply to Post #2442
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In reply to Post #2443
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Paddy gets the sack for doing the worst bricklaying on the site, he says to the gaffer I have a wife and 4 kids to support please keep me on, I can't afford to says the gaffer, OK OK says Paddy if I show you a wall that is worse than that will you keep me on? yeah ok I suppose so, Paddy shows him a wall that is pissed in every direction, jeeeeze says the gaffer that's really bad you can keep your job, oh thanks boss, by the way says the boss who did that? Paddy says I did.......
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Bloke next door , who I don't like asked how many rolls of wallpaper I bought for my lounge .
Twelve , I replied .
Next time I saw him he said , I got twelve and had six left over.
I said , so did I
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In reply to Post #1
Women are like parking spaces. When all the good ones are gone and when no one's looking, stick it in a disabled one.
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In reply to Post #2439
Wah - that censor thing works a bit too well!
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In reply to Post #2431
I was born in S****horpe - the joke about Tony will never be as bad as the joke about S****horpe - that always seemed to appear on the inside of the loo doors.
If Typhoo put the T in Britain - Who put the **** in S****horpe.
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In reply to Post #2437
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In reply to Post #1
Saw this in a local paper!!!!
"This is Lexi. She's an 14-week-old German Shepherd.
I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2434
And was he ?
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In reply to Post #1
As jesus was nailed to the cross, he looked down on his diciples and said...........don't ****ing touch my easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday!
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In reply to Post #2429
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In reply to Post #2430
I'm surprised they didn't call you sirry ****
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In reply to Post #2430
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In reply to Post #2429
I think I did get it really
When I worked in China - they called me Toe Lee
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In reply to Post #2428
What do you call a man with no shins................................................
TOE........KNEE = Tony!!!
not Tony59
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In reply to Post #2417
I don't get it....
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What's the difference between three cocks and a joke .?
You're mum can't take a joke
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A three foot midget go's into the gent's public toilet and points Percy to the porcelain, in walked a giant of a man with a twitch, after a minute or so the big guy looked down to the little guy and said isn't it funny you have the same affliction as me, the little guy looked up and said "affliction be buggered, every time you twitch you keep pissing in my ear".
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In reply to Post #2423
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In reply to Post #2423
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In reply to Post #1
Q. Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?.
A. Your wIfe will always "blow" your bonus!!
Tel
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All the following spoken in a west country farmers voice
Farmer Brown!
Yes farmer piles Giles
I hear you have a very rare pig, the same as me,
That's right I do, why do you ask?
If we get them together to mate, their offspring will earn us a fortune,
Right, mine is a male so to conserve his energy for the boncking session you bring your girl over to my farm in the morning
farmer Giles put her in a wheel barrow and off they go,
the deed was done
next morning
is she up the duff?
how do I tell?
she will be laying on her back with two feet in the air.
Oh no she's standing.
ok bring her back in the morning.
this go's on for a week
on the last day
is she laying on her back.....
No!
what's she doing
she's in the wheel barrow with a big grin on her face.
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In reply to Post #1
What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?
One's a heavyweight, the other is a little lighter
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In reply to Post #1
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m six-foot tall, 14-stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”
“Now seriously, Mister, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
“No …. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.
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An East London girl runs home to mum crying , mum asks what's the matter?
My new boyfriend says I've got East end tits and West end hips,
Don't worry about that your dad had a Whopping cock and a Barking arse and we're still together
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In reply to Post #1
Dear Agony Aunt:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
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In reply to Post #2416
What do you call a man with no shins................................................
Tony!!!!
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In reply to Post #2415
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter
You had trouble with #5.......Typical, you know the criminals, murderers,
thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don’t know the Pope!
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In reply to Post #2414
What weighs 18 stone and rides a Derby winner.
Adam johnsons soon to be cell mate
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My mate , who is dyslexic is on a new water , he's just text me that he's had a 23lb Crap
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Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts,' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch.....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts
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In reply to Post #2411
Yes about 30 years ago 
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In reply to Post #2410
did you tell them the one about 6 legs as well???
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In reply to Post #2397
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
Just told that to the blokes at work.
They're still laughing
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A prisoner in a British jail has been caught with 4 mobile phones up his arse.
After struggling to squeeze them out,his ringtone changed.
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In reply to Post #2407
Was in a que earlier behind a great big fat bird with a huge Arse , her phone started bleeping and
The young lad behind me shouts out , **** me , mind out , she's reversing
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In reply to Post #2404
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In reply to Post #2404
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Tel
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In reply to Post #2404
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Flagged a black cab down in London this morning and said to the driver "Waterloo please mate"
"The station , he replied" . I said well I'm a bit ****ing late for the battle ain't I
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Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, yet every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.
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I said to a local business man your obversely very rich and successful
what is your negative side?
"my honesty" he said
"I don't think that's bad"
"I don't give a f*** what you think".
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I said to my mate Bob....my wife tells me that all her girl friends
says your fantastic in bed and can go at it for ages, how do you do it?
well said Bob......before I go in the bedroom I go in the kitchen and drop
me strides then bash the old spam ram on the work top till it throbs and
I can hardly feel it, ok so now I'm going to try it, I left work early and crept
into the kitchen, dropped everything and bashed the life out of Mr wiggle
till he was throbbing when all of a sudden the wife calls out......"is that you Bob"?
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In reply to Post #2399
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My wife walked in on me watching porn the other day, to my suprise she ripped all of her clothes off and told me to **** her like you see the women in porn.
So i stopped every 7 seconds and shouted ****ing connection.
Thanks Virgin media.
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In reply to Post #2397
Or tell her this joke 3 times in a row
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In reply to Post #2394
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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In reply to Post #2394
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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In reply to Post #2394
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit and killed her stone dead on the spot.
Jesus looked towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
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In reply to Post #2392
Guy had trouble getting erection,doc gave him prescription,wondered why girls in chemist were giggling,
When he got home he looked at box and it said,take one tablet each evening.......they were called
MICOXXAFLOPIN
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In reply to Post #2391
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, he tests it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon, the son says, "I did maths at school." The robot slaps the son, the son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies.", dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Star Wars," the robot slaps the son, Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn," dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was," the robot slaps the father, mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son," the robot slaps the mum.
Robot for sale.
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A major British snack food company has decided to honour Tim Peake's recent history-making space walk, by renaming one of their most popular biscuits after him.
McVities 'Gingernauts' will be available at all leading food retailers in the near future.
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In reply to Post #2388
£4m for Charlie Austin - Southampton are getting someone with experience - they'll not get lost next year driving to the other Championship grounds...
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My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
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Do you know what the first sign of Madness is ,
Suggs walking up you're drive
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I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.
I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called A couple of drinks with the girls after work.
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Sean Connery walks into a cake shop in Sauchiehall Street and says to the woman serving, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
The woman replies, "No your right, it's a macaroon"
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In reply to Post #2383
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I went down to the morgue to identify my wife's body when just before the Mortician lifted the sheet some gas escaped resulting in a farting sound.
"I'm sorry, " he said, "this happens sometimes. "
"No need to lift the sheet, " I replied, "I would recognise that smell anywhere. "
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Why are some people so thick . Was out with my dog today this bloke came up to me and said what's that ?
So I told him , it's a dog
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A woman goes to the doctor and says I think I'm pregnant will you examine me so I know for sure, OK says doc get your kit off and jump on this (pointing to the couch) after a brief fondle in all departments the doc says no....it's wind, thank you says woman and goes home to tell her husband, a week goes bye and she visits the doc again.....I'm sure I'm pregnant will you check again for me........after another fondle in the canyon and everywhere else he says no as I said before its wind.....oh OK she says.....goes home and tells the old fella the news.....NO NO that's not right I'll come with you....doc confirms to them both "its wind".......the old geezer says your 100% sure.....yes says the doc.....with that the fella slaps his bobby dangler on the desk and says.....what do you think this is.........a bloody bicycle pump.
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In reply to Post #2379
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I saw a woman coming out of a building chanting "I MUST I MUST IMPROVE MY BUST" I said to her what's this all about, she said its a new type of enlargement therapy, I thought I would investigate, as I went into the lobby a guy came out chanting "HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
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In reply to Post #2377
Wife says to husband what would you say if you caught me in bed with your best friend
I'd call you a lesbian
no no what if it was a mas, what would you do I'd kick his guide dog
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2 New Years Resolutions:
- Wash hands after taking a sh1t at work.
- Improve on my Big Mac preparation time.
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In reply to Post #2375
Bloke says to his missus , why don't you tell me when you've had an orgasm?
She says , because I don't like ringing you at work
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In reply to Post #2374
Why did Adele cross the road,
To say hello from the other side
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In reply to Post #2373
stick that on the footy thread and get lashed
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In reply to Post #2372
Dennis law was asked yesterday if his team would beat this current man Utd side, yeah , 1-0 was
His reply.
When he was asked why would it only be 1-0 , his reply was , because we're all in our 70's now
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What do transvesdites do at Christmas?
A> eat,drink,and be Mary
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In reply to Post #2369
My cracker joke . My phone only works in church , it's pray as you go
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In reply to Post #2369
CRACKERS!!!!!! CRACKERS!!!!!! who's cracker's
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i suppose you lot will be getting some new material for here now the cracker season is upon us
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In reply to Post #2366
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Just bought some sage & onion flavoured condoms. Should come in handy if I find a plump bird that wants stuffing...
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In reply to Post #1
The night before Christmas
Throughout the house
We were all ****ed
Even the mouse
Dad at the brothel
Mum with uncle frank
I settled down
For a nice slow w&nk
Outside the house
I heard a right clatter
I let go of my cock
To see what was the matter
Out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew right away
It was old st Nick
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
The big fat ****er
I think he fell
He filled all our stockings
With sweets and beer
And a big rubber cock
For my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The big fat ****
Blew the house apart
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Shouting I'll be back next year
Have a hell of a night
Merry xmas fellow jesters
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In reply to Post #2362
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In reply to Post #2360
Spammer
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As the sad news of Jimmy Hill's death was announced today, it was also revealed that the pantomime he was appearing in has been cancelled out of respect.
Tickets for Chinderella can be refunded at the box office.
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A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
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In reply to Post #2360
A good start Nic, welcome to the forum
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Little Joey's confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, Is
that you, little Joey Pagano? Yes, Father, it is. And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Joey, I'm sure to
find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I
cannot say. Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capelli? I'm
sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa
DiAngelo, then? Please, Father! I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back
to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Four months
vacation and five good leads...
Great jokes ... you can share them with my friends at nodepositforum.com if you like, that
is where I found this one, Ill bring you some more later.
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The teacher said.....well class I asked you to bring something into school that is associated with Christmas, Sarah! what did you bring? some tinsel miss, we put it on our tree this time of year, well done, James! what about you? I brought a Christmas pudding which we only eat at Christmas miss, very good James, teacher spots Billie with a plastic bag, bring out you item Billie, she opens the bag and takes out a G string, rather embarrassed she says....Billie what on earth have these got to do with Christmas? they're Carols miss
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Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He said I'll give you a clue , it's what your mother calls me .
The little boy shouts out , it's a ****ing dick , don't eat it
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In reply to Post #2356
My doctor told me that half a bottle of wine at night was bad for me.
I make sure I finish it now
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In reply to Post #1
Warning - be careful if you decide to sign up for the new Tesco Dating service. I tried it and ended up with a Bag for Life!!!!!'
👀👀
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
A drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was very impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago.😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #2352
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters SNIPE into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are posting and reading jokes on Carpforum😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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I like my women how I like my advent calendar.
Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten.
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In reply to Post #2351
And we came 3rd for getting this one wrong > name 2
days of the week begining with the letter T
TODAY and TOMORROW was not right
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In the pub tonight and got involved in the quiz , the last question for us to win it was , name two things commonly found in cells .
Apparently It weren't scoucers and pikeys .
We came second
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In reply to Post #2349
Absolute quality I've been reading some of your other jokes I'm actually crying your a legend COYS!!!
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In reply to Post #2348
My missus told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with fools and horses.
I just sighed and said , okay , I'll get me suitcase from the van
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In reply to Post #2347
This blonde is selling a snake in the local paper!
A bloke rings up and asks how big is it,
F----ng massive she says,
The bloke asks, how many feet?
None she replies, it's a F----ng snake
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In reply to Post #1
A young woman walks into a supermarket. On her way round she sees the man with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.
He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2345
A bloke takes his wife to the doctors as he's worried about her.. The doctor says well I'm not sure whether you wife's got aids or alzheimers. Only way to find out is to go for a drive, drop her off 10 miles from home and if she comes home don't f@#k her!!!!!
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In reply to Post #2344
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In reply to Post #2343
A bloke threw a tub of margarine at me in sainsburys over a fortnight ago , splitting my eyebrow .
Can't believe it's not better
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In reply to Post #2342
Bert, in the old folks home said to Gladys "I'm leaving you and I'm gonna go with Doris cos she holds my one eyed trouser snake all night", Gladys said "so do I" yes said Bert but Doris has parkinson's . 
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In reply to Post #2341
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A blind carpenter go's into a timber yard for a job, the boss says your blind how can you do anything?
the chippie says "just by smell I can tell what a timber is and where it came from" Mmmm says the boss I'll test you, he lays a piece of wood on a bench and says lean forward and smell the wood, after moving his head a couple of times he says "its BC Pine from Canada", right says the boss, next, try this one, after a few sniffs he says " this is Oak from England", right, the boss cant believe this so he go's to the office and tells the girl to strip and lay on the bench face down, ok if you get this one I'll take you on, the chippie sniffs and sniffs then says turn it over I'm not sure about this one, the girl turns over and he sniffs again, "Yeah I got its a khazi door from a trawler boat in Grimsby".
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In reply to Post #2339
Got felt up by a blind woman last night. She said I had the thickest, longest shaft she'd ever felt.
She was pulling my leg
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In reply to Post #2338
I've woke myself up three times this week with my snoring ,
So **** it , tonight I'm gonna go sleep in the spare room
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In reply to Post #1
So Jurgen Klopp has finally got his first win at Liverpool.
Apparently it was due to a motivational text from his older brother clippity.
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A woman knocked at our door and said she was
collecting for the new swimming pool so I gave her a bucket of water.
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In reply to Post #2334
Like it
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In reply to Post #2333
Reminds me of
"Dad, there's a bloke at the door with a bald head"
"Tell him to piss off I've got one"
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In reply to Post #2332
My daughter said to me earlier "dad , there's someone knocking at the door with a beard ".
I said " well no wonder I couldn't bloody hear it then " .
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Teacher......who can tell me what chickens give you?
Sarah.........meat miss.
teacher......correct, now can you tell me what pigs give you?
Jane...........bacon miss
teacher.......that's right, who can tell me what fat cow gives you?
Billie...........homework
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In reply to Post #2330
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?
Because he's married.
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In reply to Post #2329
I love f5, it's so refreshing
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In reply to Post #2328
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In reply to Post #2327
Came home hammered the other night and was stumbling around at the bottom of the stairs making a right racket. "What the hell is going on?" Shouts the wife from the bedroom. "I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" I replied. "Leave it downstairs you dozy ****" She says."I cant" Says I."I've drunk it"
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In reply to Post #2326
Even more valuable lesson learned today.......
Don't keep ralgex and anusol next to each other
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Valuable lesson learned this morning ,"...........
Don't keep anusol and Colgate on the same shelf
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In reply to Post #2310
Lol such long topic
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After too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
(the house of horizontal refreshment)
JimmyAd notices green lumps
On his wedding tackle. So off he goes to the doctor.
The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
players get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says Jim, nodding seriously.
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
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In reply to Post #2322
You think thats bad, when I went to piss in the sink someone left the tap running, I was there for ages
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In reply to Post #2321
I'm thinking about kicking my missus out , every time I try and have a piss in the sink it's always
full of washing up .
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Our dog died yesterday, the wife named him Cigarette I don’t know why, he had no legs but he always seemed to be happy, I’m gonna miss taking him out for a drag
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In reply to Post #2319
Tel
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My bird told me today that being fat was in her genes ,
I told her , bollox , you look fat in a skirt as well
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What makes up
100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U
V W X Y Z
Is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
= 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
= 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
= 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there.
It’s the Bull**** and ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know WHY some people are where they are!
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, Its what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother; 'Don't eat it, it's an a***hole!'
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I was asking Mick and Paddy what sort of work they did, all sorts of things, but the most memorable was the one they did at Heathrow airport refueling Concord, they were going about their duties one day when a drop of fuel spilt out of the nozzle and on to Micks hand, being a true Guinness drinker he licked it off, wow he said that's good, try some Paddy, after a while the pair was well and truly Brahms and Liszt, falling about under the plane giggling and laughing, next morning Micks phone rings hhhhh hello, Mick! its Paddy how are you? oh not too bad got a dry mouth, why? Paddy says whatever you do DON'T fart coz I'm phoning from Bahrain
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In reply to Post #2314
An elderly guy is getting a bit concerned for his wife, she seemed unwell so he took her to the doctors for a check up. After about an hour in the waiting room the doctor approached him. "Well Mr Smith, we have run all kinds of tests but I am afraid to say the results are inconclusive, it seems she may have aids or alzheimers, we just cant tell" "oh dear, that's not good" replied Mr Smith. "What do you suggest I do? "Take her for a drive out to the middle of the woods and drop her off. If she finds her way back home, don't f**k her"
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In reply to Post #2312
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !
Tis me, ..........................
I've quit Drinking !"
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During the American/Japanese war in some far off remote island the American troops are trying to take control of the island moving ever closer to doing so, progressing slowly every day.
After weeks of fighting they reach a point by where the only thing standing in their way is a river crossing to which the Japs are based in the last little stronghold, at the end of a few hours skirmish about the middle of the day the American Commander turns to his troops and says tomorrow this God forsaken island will be ours, he turns and says to the troops rest easy tonight because tomorrow we cross the river and clear them out but for tonight we will retreat 500 yards set up camp and post a lookout to keep an eye on them sneaky Japanese.
Looking from across the river the Japanese Commander can see that by the morning they will be under siege by the Americans and so turns to his troops and says tonight we will retreat 500yards to the shoreline set up camp and party like it's our last night ever but we will post a lookout to keep an eye on them sneaky Yanks.
An hour or so passes and the American lookout keeping an eye on the Japanese lookout is starting to get bored so he picks up his binoculars gives a little whistle and sees the Little Japanese soldier stick his head out of the undergrowth, he then thinks to himself now I've got his attention what can I do so he thinks to himself I wonder what regiment he's in so he puts down his bino's holds his arms out by his sides and mimics an aeroplane, to which there is no response or movement thinking to himself again perhaps he's Naval so a little whistle to gain his attention and he starts to mimic swimming the front crawl, again no response so one more whistle go's out to get his attention again and the American private thinks he must be a standard private like me so he starts to mimic thrusting his hips and drinking a beer again no movement so he picks his bino's back up to look at him, with that the little Jap is up on his feet and takes off like a scalded cat.
As the out of breath Japanese private reaches the beach his Commander stops him and says what the hell are you doing here I posted you to keep an eye on those Yanks, the young private says to his Commander you can go and keep a lookout if you like I'm not staying there, whats the matter asked the Commander to which the young Japanese private responded it's 2.30 now and at quarter to three he was going to swim across and **** me then suck me until my eyes popped out.
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Bill get's a phone call from the Doctor, Doc say's I've got good news and bad news, Bill say's whats the good news? You've got 24 hours to live, jeeeeeez What's the bad news? I tried to call you yesterday. 
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In reply to Post #1
Sweating like a Greek MP on the phone to Wonga.....
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My old uncle suffered from water on the knee in his younger years, the doc suggested getting a pair of drain pipe trousers as he was a teddy boy
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The young girl next door bought some new knickers made by Tupperware, she say's they're not that comfortable but they do keep everything fresh.
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My mate Mark phoned me up last night, I said wot you phoning me for at 4 o'clock in the morning? he said I can't sleep there was somebody outside my window calling me, who was it? nobody was there except a dog with a hair-lip barking.
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In reply to Post #2304
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Marvelman: Hello Superman what have you been up to today?
Superman: Oh just flying around putting the world to right.
Marvelman: that must get boring after a while.
Superman: yeah it doe's but I spotted Wonderwoman sun bathing in the nude so I flew down at the speed of light and
give her one.
Marvelman: Blimey I bet that surprised her.
Superman: yeah but not as much as the surprise the Invisible man got who was giving her one at the time.
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
"Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork? "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
A while later, the rabbi said "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for a while.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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BREAKING NEWS
It has been reported that at the junction of the M25 and A1M a massive hole has appeared in the road and the police are looking into it.
An elephant was seen on the M1 doing a ton, the AA suggest drive carefully and treat it as a roundabout.
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In reply to Post #2301
My mate thinks he's smart , he told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at his face
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In reply to Post #2300
A man walks into the doctors and says , " every time I masturbate I shout , come on arsenal"
The doctor replies " most w@nkers do "
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In reply to Post #2299
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.
"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"
"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
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In reply to Post #2298
Blimey , that Kym marsh don't hang around .
After her latest love split , she's only gone and married Steve Macdonald
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In reply to Post #2297
I was trying to remember the one about a line of elephants each holding the tail with their trunk of the one in front crossing a railway line and the train hit them and pulls them inside out.
Anyone know this one?
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In reply to Post #2296
The old ones are always the best
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Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5
more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or
third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs,
Ethel!"
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The sergeant asked a new recruit for his name, to which he replied, "Mack." The sergeant said, "Sorry, I need your full name." The recruit replied, "That is my name."
The sergeant then pointed out that everyone had a Christian name and a surname. The recruit replied, "I was christened John Thomas McDangle originally, but now I'm known simply as Mack."
The sergeant is a little curious and asks for an explanation.
"Well, I left school at 16 and, because I was extremely bright, was admitted to medical school. I qualified before I was 21, thus becoming John Thomas McDangle, MD. But most people considered me too young to practise medicine, so I decided to do further study. I chose theology.
"On completion of these studies I became John Thomas McDangle, MD, DD. Then, unfortunately I got into a bit of trouble with a lady of ill repute and contracted VD.
"The medical board removed my MD, the church removed my DD, the VD removed my John Thomas. I had nothing left to dangle, so now I am just known as Mack."
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In reply to Post #2293
Bloke goes to the doctors.
Doc "Hi there, what seems to be the problem?"
Bloke "Erm... bit embarrassed to tell you if I'm honest doctor"
Doc "Nothing to worry about, I can guarantee you that there won't be anything wrong that I haven't happened across before"
Bloke "Well, ok then. It's my erm... little feller doctor, I think there's something wrong with it"
Doc "Ok, you best show me it, once again try not to be worried, I have seen it all before, I can assure you"
"Bloke "Well... Ok then"
He proceeds to unzip and slaps it on the table
Doc " F..K ME! What the hell is that? It's bright orange!
Bloke " I did say there was something wrong doc"
Doc, gathering himself "Yes, ahem... sorry for the outburst... ok then. Does it hurt?
Bloke " Nope, no pain at all"
Doc "Have you been under any stress of late? Worried about anything?
Bloke "Nope, I'm happy as larry, no worries at all"
Doc " Quite unusual, never seen an orange one before. Any marital problems? Wife left you or anything?
Bloke "No, happily single"
Doc "This has got me baffled. Any work problems?"
Bloke "No doc, I live off an inheritance, don't have a job and don't need one."
Doc "How bizarre. Could you explain to me what your daily routine consists of?"
Bloke "Not much really doc, I just spend most days watching porn and eating wotsits"
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In reply to Post #2292
Saw a young lad today leaning against a wall having a joint and a can of beer,
I said to him ," shouldn't you be at school" ?
He said ," don't be so stupid , I'm only four " .
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Father Murphy was going to have a week’s holiday but there was no one to take confession so he went to the synagogue to ask rabbi Cohen could he help, yes my boy what do I have to do?
Father Murphy said come round to the church and sit with me to see how it’s done, after a while the first one arrives, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin? I have stolen from the shop, how many times? 3 times father, put £5 in the collection go back in church and pray for forgiveness, the next one go’s in the box and asks for forgiveness what is your sin? I have lied to my children father, how many times asks father Murphy 3 times father, put £5 in the collection and pray for forgiveness, father says to the Rabbi now you have a go, before long the next one comes in the box, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin m’boy, I have been unfaithful to my wife, how many times? Once he said, well go and do 2 more we’ve got a special on this week 3 for a fiver.
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A woman says to her husband darling you know I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a minor op in the fanny department and the nurse asked if I could shave the old minnie moo before I get there, as you shave every morning I wondered if you would do it for me? of course I will, get yer trollies off, he lathers up the velvet valley and starts, hows it going darling? not bad, nearly done just one more thing, can you make it do this >
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The front door slams, the woman says to her lover that’s my husband hide in the wardrobe, as he does a boys voice says ITS DARK IN HERE, the guy says don’t tell anyone will you, I NEED A NEW PAIR OF FOOTY BOOTS, ok I’ll get you some, a couple of weeks later the same thing happens as the guy gets in the wardrobe ITS DARK IN HERE, ok what do you want this time, I WANT A NEW BALL AND A SHIRT, ok son I’ll sort it, the next Saturday the boy and his dad are at the park having a kick about, dad says where did you get the new kit? The boy tells him, dad says that's not very nice you must go to church and confess your sins, the boy goes in the confession box and says ITS DARK IN HERE, a voice from the other side says f*** me not you again.
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In reply to Post #2288
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In reply to Post #2287
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
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In reply to Post #2286
I'm not Pancake, I'm Boxing
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In reply to Post #2285
Also , some people are named depending on what day it is when they were born ,
I e st George's day , they call them George
St Patrick's day , they call them Patrick
Something else I've taught you that is young pancake
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A North American Indian boy sat chatting with his dad when he asks
How do we get our name pops?
It's your mother's decision, as you are born
mum looks around to see what's going on and chooses a name
like running bear, bald eagle, jumping fish and so on, why do you ask 2 dogs F******
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In reply to Post #2283
Bet she was a Geordie
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In reply to Post #2282
I like Ray, especially in Vincent (apart from Scum)
I was walking past the chippie the other night and saw a tasty looking bird outside eating a bag of chips with her draws round her ankles, I said scuse me miss did you know your under-ctackers are round your ankles? OH GOD she said has he finished.
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In reply to Post #2281
Tbh mate I heard ray winstone tell it the other night on some programme , thought you'd been watching it aswell
Cracker tho
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In reply to Post #2280
I don't know where it came from, I've known it for donkeys years
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In reply to Post #2279
I know where that came from . Goodun innit
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A guy comes home from work mid afternoon to catch his wife and lover at it, he lives on the 11th floor of a tower block and the lift is out of action, he finally gets to his flat and bursts in shouting "WHERE IS HE " I'll kill him, looks around but nothing, just happens to look out of the kitchen window to see a man running from the block, he opens the window turns round looking for something to throw and decide its the fridge, as he launches it he collapses and dies.
Up at the pearly gates Peter stands waiting for him, how did you end up here? Peter was told the story ok you may entre, next was a guy with terrible head wounds, and you, said Peter? I was running for the bus so i wouldn't be late for the evening shift when crash and I'm here, ok said Peter go in, Peter was about to close the gate when he noticed a guy in a pair of underpants blue and shivering with cold, what are you doing here? well I was sitting in this fridge minding my own business.......
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A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream &
shouts: "Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss p**s an cow s**te."
The bloke says: "Sir, I am an illegal immigrant,can you
be speaking clearer, and slower please."
The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Both.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill ....Any"
Tel
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In reply to Post #2274
Creosote for me , great over the fences
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A stunning blonde and an old git go's for a job as a lion tamer, the ringmaster say's who's first? I'll go says the blonde, she gets in the cage the door slams behind her the lion comes in roaring and snarling gets right up close to her when she throws off her coat to reveal a drop dead gorgeous body you'd die for, the lion lays down on the ground and crawls up to her then starts licking her all over, the ringmaster looks at the old git and says can you do that? yeah course i can but you gotta get that f****** lion out of there first.
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Farmer Brown calls in a surveyor, good morning Mr Brown how can I help you? I want a conservatory like them there town houses, first of all you will need good footings, ooo ah I'll leave that to the builders, OK next you will need strong roof joists at 400mm centers to take the weight of snow etc, ah well the builders can look after that, I see you have an outside toilet will that be staying? ah ah oh yeah we've always had an outside thunder-box, well in that case you will have to have a lock on the door, o ah that's funny we've not had a bucket of s*** nicked in 20 years
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got a great tip off me mate for the grand national , so good put your house on it >>>>> dusty carpet its never been beaten !!
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In reply to Post #2272
Well spotted. Never had any issues witt plagiarism
Tel
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In reply to Post #2270
Was used in a barclay card advert on tv some years ago ....... as I remember
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home . As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door , the guy starts feeling horny . With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling , he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's to risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you...."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on , and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled , and in a sleepy voice,
she says :
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it...or if need be mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
I love a good summertime water fight with the neighbourhood kids me and my kettle always win
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In reply to Post #2265
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I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs so I called the RSPCA.
"That's terrible", the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not really sure, but it would explain the suitcase."
Tel
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The wife accused me of ruining her Birthday yesterday. "********" I said I didn't even know it was your Birthday.
Tel
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A Japanese couple are arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex
Husband " Sukitaki"
Mojitaka!
"Wife replies : " Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!
Husband says angrily : " Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife, on her knees , literally begging "Mimi
nakondinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
Now I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this you don't understand any Japanese .
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex
Tel
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A family from the south traveled north to a wedding reception, the sleeping arrangements were a bit tricky and left a 30 year old man and his dad sharing a double bed, after the bash most were drunk and went to bed, in the early hours the dad starts moving around and disturbing his son, whats a matter dad? oh I'm feeling a bit horny and I've a throbbing hard on so I'm gonna see yer mom and give her a right good portion, well you better take me with you it's my cock yer holding
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In reply to Post #2261
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In reply to Post #2261
Excellent
Tel
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Two guys in the maternity waiting room, the nurse comes in....Mr Wilson you are the father of a lovely girl, 5lb 4oz , well done mate said the other guy, the nurse comes back....Mr Smith you are the father of a big boy 8lb 6oz, Yeees shouts Smiffy built like a chimney stack, nurse comes back....its twins you have another boy 7lb 10oz oh yeah built like a chimney stack, nurse returns again Mr Smith its triplets this one is 7lb 4oz....eeeeha shouts Smiffy built like a chimney stack me, nurse says yeah well you better get it swept they're all black
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Diarrhoea is hereditory it runs in your jean's !
Tel
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I was staggering home from the pub the other night, and decided to take a short cut through the park. A woman came up to me in the shadows, and said "Fancy a shag luv"? Only twenty quid"
Well, I was drunk, I'd never been with a tart before, and it was only twenty quid, so I said yes.We were just getting into our stride when all of a sudden there was a flash of torch light and a cop's voice said "What's going on here, then?"
"I was just making love to my wife, Officer", I replied
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise" said the cop
"Neither did I until you shone your torch in her face!"
Tel
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Spanish Maid
The Spanish maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Tel
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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
This house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no
Way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
Door with a suitcase
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night
And heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£289,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2255
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
old tread but board ...cant believe after all that sh*t them two got back together ????me bum cheeks lol
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Two policemen call into the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes!"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2252
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In reply to Post #2251
Brought myself satellite tv today,
Saving up for a rocket now so I can watch it
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A dyslexic pimp just bought a warehouse
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A bloke from a building site went into the pub, says to the barman....we just dug up a skeleton of a woman, barman asks how do you know it was a woman, the mouth was still open.
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In reply to Post #2248
Cracker
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Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn
baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave
it a dead leg instead.
Tel
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The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on
stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him
Tel
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In reply to Post #2243
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I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
Tel
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I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
Tel
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A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy
he received isn't what he was expecting.
Boom Boom
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In reply to Post #2241
A woman goes to the opticians for an eye test, the optician covers her left eye and says read the letters on the chart, she says sorry I can't read any of them, so he covers her right eye and says can you read any of them now, no I'm sorry I can't see any at all, he unzips his fly and unleashes the beast and says can you see that, oh yes I can see that alright, that's your problem then, what!! your cock eyed
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In reply to Post #2239
Paddys in court on a armed robbery charge , the jury return to give their verdict .
Not guilty , says the judge .
Excellent shouts paddy , does that mean I can keep the money
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In reply to Post #2239
Two paddys leave a bar .................... Well , it could happen
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two men on the 8.15 train from Reading to London, after a while one says that's it done the Times crossword as he folds his newspaper, the other man says I'm stuck on 7 across, female relation, 4 letters ending with UNT, why it's AUNT of course, just then a vicar pops his head round the seat and says anyone got a rubber?
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A schoolteacher asks her class “what is the fastest thing you know of”?
Sarah: A thought miss, when you think it happens in an instant.
Very good Sarah, anyone else?
Robert: A blink miss, it happens before you realize it.
OK, any more?
Jane: Light miss, when you turn on the light switch its there before you know it.
Well done everybody,
Billy sticks his hand up and shout's diarrhoea miss, last week on the way to the toilet before I could Think, Blink, and turn the light on I’d s*** myself.
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Pulled up at the lights in my van today and farted , it stank, laughing to myself I wound the window down
For some fresh air .
This little sort pulls up next to me , glances across , starts smiling and winds her window down ,
I said to her , have you farted aswell
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I gave a bird a lift in my car the other day, she kept looking at me and eventually said "can you drive with one hand" oh yes I replied, well wipe yer f****** nose yer making me sick
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A doctor visits a patient in the recovery ward, he says I've got good news and bad news, whats the bad news? asks the patient, your good foot has been amputated by mistake then the bad foot had to be done as well, OK whats the good news?, the guy in the end bed wants to buy your slippers
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In reply to Post #2233
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A doctor goes into a ward to see a pregnant lady who's had bad stomach cramps and fears for her
Unborn child, well dear he says , there's good and bad news, we've run some tests and the bad news is
It's got ginger hair . Oh no , she cries , what's the good news , doc replies , it's dead
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Two little kids in prams outside Tesco
1st Hello
2nd Hello (blushing slightly )
1st I've been watching you
2nd have you
1st yeah, your a girl ain't yer
2nd yes I am
1st I thought so, your lovely and I wish I was in your pram
with you in fact I wish I was in your nappy with you
2nd you do........why is that
1st I've filled mine
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In reply to Post #2230
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In reply to Post #2229
Don't worry about that, beauty is only a light switch away
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In reply to Post #2228
Had to ring the old bill in the pub last night as I had two birds fighting over me ,
The copper said to me , what's wrong with that,
I said , the fat ugly ones winning
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In reply to Post #2223
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The ol gell at number4 lost her husband a couple of weeks ago, missing him and feeling suicidal she decides to end her life by using his old service revolver, not wanting to suffer she phones the doctor to find out exactly where her heart is, just below your left breast the doc said, later that day she was admitted to hospital with serious gun shot wounds to her left knee
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An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'
The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.
Tel
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Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold
or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Fred really got worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Fred
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to
find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen
the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the
park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the
world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I
sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich
and she filed rape charges against me; and, at
89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into
court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Tel
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A girl goes out with a bloke for the first time. He asks her what she wants to do. "I want to get weighed" she says. He takes her to a weighing machine and gets her to weigh herself.
This happens a few times before the bloke gets fed up and takes her home. Her father greets her and asks if she had a good time.
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"Wousy" she says.!!!!!!
Tel
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I had just bought a big bag of dry dog food when the lady behind me in the queue asked if I had a dog, no I said its for my diet, it worked well before so I’m gonna do it again, how doe’s it work? Fill your pockets with the nuggets and when you feel hungry take one out and eat it, you have to be careful though, last time I did it I nearly died, I woke up in hospital 12lb lighter with tubes coming out from everywhere, MY GOD she said did the nuggets poison you? No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setters arse and a car hit me.
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In reply to Post #2220
Pmsl , that's a cracker !!!!!
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In reply to Post #2220
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In reply to Post #2219
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
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In reply to Post #2218
oooo
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In reply to Post #2217
The wife suggested we spice up our sex life with a little role play, I'll be a prostitute she said , good , ill be Peter sutcliffe
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The nun roared out of the convent in her car, 2 minutes later the police stopped her,she lowered the window the cop unzipped his fly, "Oh no" she said "not the breathalyzer again".
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In reply to Post #2215
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A woman asks her husband "would you like some breakfast" ? no thanks he said the Viagra has put me off food, later in the day she asks "how about lunch darling?" he said I'm still not hungry it must be the Viagra, that evening she says its time for dinner would you like steak and chips? I'll not bother thanks this Viagra has put me off food altogether, well would you mind getting off me I'm starving.
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In reply to Post #2213
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS,
DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE,
DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY',
THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND? (I had never thought of that!)
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In reply to Post #2212
Why can't muslims watch tele?
Because of the teleban
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In reply to Post #2211
Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
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In reply to Post #2210
One made by Royal Doulton
Tel
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In reply to Post #2209
Your right, it sounds like a load of ****
BTW
What kind of pan do you cook em in?
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In reply to Post #2208
I am going to try some different boilies this year
Cranberry Raspberry Apricot & Peach
something tells me I not going to do well on these
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I went to a new female dentist, after an examination she said one of my wisdom teeth will have to come out and she will give me a jab to kill the pain, i said needles are not for me , OK she said a whiff of gas will do it, no no that makes me sick, are you OK with pills? Oh yes that's fine, she gave me 2 little pills and said just relax,what pills are they? Viagra she said, I didn't know they are pain killers, she said they're not but they will give you something to hold on to when I yank the tooth out
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In reply to Post #2206
Go on then
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In reply to Post #2205
Joke free year this year or something..?!
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In reply to Post #2204
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,
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"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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In reply to Post #2200
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A nun is stopped in her car by the police, she winds down the window the cop winds down his zip, "Oh no" she said "not the Breathalyzer again"
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In reply to Post #2199
I went to the Doctor today and said I keep getting ignored, he shouts NEXT.
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A lady go's into a butchers and asks for a duck, yes madam said the young man, he puts the duck on the counter, she sticks her finger up its arse then examines her finger and says that's not an Aylesbury duck, oh sorry madam I''ll see if we have one out the back, he returns with another duck, she does the same again, ah that's better I always have an Aylesbury duck when I come to this shop, you must be new here where are you from? the lad drops his strdes bends over and say's "your the expert you tell me"
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In reply to Post #2197
I went to the doctors today and he asked me if I drink to excess.
I told him I'll drink to ****ing anything
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Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.
'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened
his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up
meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the
door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
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A guy and his dog walks into the departure lounge at Heathrow airport and sits near another guy, "are you taking your dog on the plane"? No, he is a sniffer dog and I am a police officer and we're working, the dog walks off and sits next to a young man then comes back and taps the cop once on his foot, the other guy asks "what doe's that mean"? he's found MARIJUANA, the dog go's off again and sits next to another guy then comes back and taps the cop twice, "has he found more MARIJUANA"? no this time he found COCAINE, the dog go's out again then rushes back jumps up onto the seat and has a massive dump, the other guy say's Jeeeeeees what's that all about? he found a BOMB.
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In reply to Post #2187
Hahaha
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In reply to Post #2192
Bet it made her toes curl
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TEACHER: Billie , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's..
Did you copy his?
BILLIE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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an old guy was walking through Soho one evening and as he went past a dark doorway there was a tasty young woman standing in the shadows, she smiled and nodded politely and said allo luv, looking for action? he thought.....play my cards right I'm in wiv a chance, yeah he said ow much? £25 darling, he said wiv a grin I've only got a fiver, nah no good darling, oh go on he said, bugger off I'm not a charity, oh please i ain't ad any fer years, OK then be quick, upstairs 15 minutes later he said if i had known you were this tight i would have given you the £25, she said if i knew you had £25 i would have taken my tights off.
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Went to a fancy dress party last night, there was a shapely brunette woman with no clothes just a pair of black shoes and a pair of black gloves, my inquisitive nature got the better of me after about 20 minutes, I said what did you come as?
"The 5 of spades" what else.
There was also a girl dressed in red, she came as a fire,didn't get poked so she went out.
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In reply to Post #2189
A suicide bomber blew himself up and went to his heaven, just as his mad mentor had promised.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim the virgins, he was promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah “Why are there so many virgins in heaven?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied: "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them.
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And be warned, I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded: "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity ? ”
And Allah replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Who said they were women ?”
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My old man taught me about the birds and the bees, I now realise that he lied because
I went out with a ****ing woodpecker till I was 21
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A play boy walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The guy says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am!”
The play boy smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
And that, my son…......is Confidence!
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot..........
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In reply to Post #2185
some goodies there jim
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A guy is running down the road as fast as he could, passing everything ,
another guy shouts, whats up? there's a lion escaped from the zoo,
which way did it go?
you don't think I'm ******* chasing it do ya
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The brothel door bell rang, the madam goes to answer it, she opens the door but there's no one to be seen just as she was closing the door she heard "hello can I come in" she looks down and there was a guy with no arms or legs, she said no you can't come in, what good would you be to a woman? he said "I rang the bell didn't I"
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Jane Goldberg phones the Jewish Chronicle.
Jane.....Hello is that the editor?
Ed........Yes my dear how can i help you?
Jane.....My husband Morris died the other day and I just want to
put a couple of words in the Births and deaths column.
Ed.........OK, what do you want to put in the paper?
Jane......."Goodbye Morris"
Ed............I'm sorry my dear it's got to be a full line.
Jane.......No no that's all I want to say.
Ed..........It's got to be a full line of 6 words otherwise it upsets the system.
Jane gave it a lot of thought then said OK I got it, "Morris is dead Volvo for sale"
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3 nuns walking through the desert, running out of supplies and
no water, getting very desperate, sister Molly said if we can pee
into a bowl of flower and leave it in the sun to bake it will make
a loaf of bread and keep us going a bit longer, I'll try first, she strained
and strained but nothing was there, Sister Bridget, "you try",
so she pushed and strained she gave it one final shove, farted blew
all the flower out of the bowl and sister Cathleen pissed herself laughing .
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A lady came up to me in the high st
LADY..... do you want to buy a ticket for the policeman's ball?
ME.........no, sorry love i can't dance
LADY.......that's ok It's a raffle.
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Moisha and David were driving along in Davids car, when suddenly Moisha screams out "stop the car i need a dump" David said I can't stop here it's a built up area, look said Moisha there's some bushes in front of that house, I'll go behind them, so David stopped and waited for about 10 minutes, then there was a cry from behind the bush, David have you got any paper? paper shmaper don't be so ******* tight leave it there.
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i was in the toilets on a train last night and a voice outside boomed " can i see your ticket please"
i replied " i cant im having a ****"
" i dont believe you slide it under the door "
" no problem....the yellow bits will be sweetcorn"
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In reply to Post #2177
was stood making tea the other day when a massive insect flew into my kitchen and exploded?
turns out it was a jihaddy longlegs.
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Lady visits the Doctor
LADY........Hello Doc I've come to see you today because i have been sick
and have strange feelings in my tummy.
After an examination
DOC..........Well young lady, I can now confirm that you are pregnant and
your going to have twins.
LADY.........."well i never" must have been something in the air.
DOC...........Yeah yer legs i expect
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Oscar Pistorius - had to happen
Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
*
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine's Day he had to take her out.
*
If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had
with only 2 blades.
*
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
*
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
*
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a
front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
*
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for
his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
*
New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
creep up on Oscar Pistorius."
*
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
*
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !
*
She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.
*
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
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In reply to Post #2172
I didn't honest.....
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In reply to Post #2172
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A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic
sex:
Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this, as if you
understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex, you need
help.
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A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.
"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.
"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."
"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."
"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."
"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."
A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.
"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"
"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
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What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
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The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
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Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
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In reply to Post #1
OK it's Friday so a few quickies
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were the Hovis Witnesses.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam say they can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:
time to change supplier I think.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be a Pharaoh Rocher...
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma...the other's got a dodgy tikka!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'I thought they were mine, but have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my fantastic body?
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours just to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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Scotland opens the voting at 7.00 am. Is that their plan to get people to vote on their way to the pub?
England 1 (Salmond og) Scotland 0
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In reply to Post #1
A guy goes into his local supermarket for a pack of beer, he sees they have a BOGOF on so he purchase two packs. Puts them into his open Morgan and proceeds to drive home, he has to stop at some traffic hold up and a very attractive young lady walking past observes the booze and asks. "would you be interested in swapping some beer for sex"
"what sort of beer you got" he replies!!!!!
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Tel
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In reply to Post #1
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck. And you can talk!"
"Correct," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks,drinks beer,eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?"
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And a big tent and a ringmaster?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement and says,"Why on earth would they want a plasterer?"
Tel
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In reply to Post #2161
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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In reply to Post #1
Ballerina ?
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a HUGE, hairy armpit, as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man
among ye hare will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. Down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
Shamus, the bartender, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
Shamus approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'
Paddy replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!
Tel
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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In reply to Post #2153
Brilliant
Tel
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In reply to Post #2157
I see the police have taken away cliff Richards computers and confirmed the fact that they have found them to contain some disturbing content .
Let's hope it's porn and not some new songs
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In reply to Post #2156
re release of a cliff classic in time for xmas .............. Christmas time vasalene n wine
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In reply to Post #2153
, thats quality
goat shaggers
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Police have finally tracked Cliff Richard down in his local Subway.
Although he claimed he was Hank Marvin at the time of questioning.
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In reply to Post #2150
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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In reply to Post #2151
The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called by.
>
> HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
>
> AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland
> when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll
> be a King?
>
> HM: No, we don’t like that.
>
> AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a
> Prince?
>
> HM: .... (thinks).... No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a
> Country.
>
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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HUSBAND_____ I was talking to the window cleaner this morning, he's made love to every woman in this street except 1
WIFE_________Yeah I bet it's that bitch at number 24
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a farmer puts an advert in the shop window...... job vacancy ,mole catcher wanted.
the village idiot applies , and gets the job.
the farmer tells him , its on the condition that he gives them a slow and painfull death.
he sees the idiot a couple of days later and he says , all sorted , can i have my pay please .
farmer asks , what have you done with them,
idiot says , i buried them alive
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In reply to Post #2146
Nicking that one
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In reply to Post #1
Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.
Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.
I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are
looking for in the show's contestants.
However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.
In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours,
Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.
Tel
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The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night.
I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same c**t who threw a tricycle under my car.
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In reply to Post #2143
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a pissed up geordie gets in his car one night and realises that its been broken into.
he rings the old bill and tells them , they've nicked the steering wheel , the dashboard ,
the brake , the clutch, then pauses and says , oh **** , sorry mate , im in the back
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Ann Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex. Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour ***** drinking.
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I feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.
Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots, he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
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That semi last night was even more embarrassing than the 1 I got the time I went to watch broke back mountain with Rolf Harris
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The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population , it will now be referred to a " Muslim Weather"
( Partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite ? )
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In reply to Post #2137
theres an englishman a Scot and a paddy training for war in the desert the drill sergeant comes up to the englishman and asks if you were stranded in the desert and you had the choice of one item what would you you choose water says the englishman so i can stay hydrated very good says the sergeant he goes to the scot and asks the same question the scot replies a wide brimmed hat to keep the sun off me very good sergeant moves on to the paddy and asks the same question a car door replies the irish man what the **** do you want with a car door in the desert said the sergeant the paddy replies if it gets to hot i can always wind the window down
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Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f***ing chainsaw.
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In reply to Post #2135
Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.
I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
and one for the chelsea fans
Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.
Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.
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In reply to Post #2134
Tel
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Rolf Harris has been instructed to bring his toothbrush to court today on the assumption he'll get a custodial sentence.
I'd take a fine comb too, a toothbrush won't get the cum out of that goatee.
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Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.
I bet it's man flu
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In reply to Post #2131
Adoption
Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".
There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon"
Made me chuckle!!!!!
Tel
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In reply to Post #2130
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2129
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks”, said Paddy
Tel
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In reply to Post #2128
A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR.
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
Well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2127
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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove all of the fruit that you brought back up your ass without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
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Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.
She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.
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In reply to Post #2124
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In reply to Post #2123
ANd another!!!!
Traffic Jam
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2122
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”
Well it made me chuckle!!
Tel
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In reply to Post #2121
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bob myself.'
_________________________
Tel
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In reply to Post #2120
Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2119
Golf or Sex?
A man is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"
Tel
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Breaking news David Moyes has just signed for SKY!!!
He starts fitting his first satellite dish on Monday
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In reply to Post #2116
They gone from the chosen one to the cheating one..
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In reply to Post #2115
Quality mate....
That's a new one on me..
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In reply to Post #2114
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What goes beep beep beep?
The Liverpool celebration open top bus reversing back into the garage!
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Ryan giggs has said he's not interested in the Man U job and want time away from game to spend with his brothers family
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i joined my local boxing club and the trainer suggested skipping to get my fitness levels up ,
after an hour or so he handed me a rope and said try useing this , you wont look so gay
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In reply to Post #2110
i was expecting the wife to give me some **** last night after getting home late from the pub.
luckily tho she fed it to the dog
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In reply to Post #2109
Meteorologists now believe the dust cloud sweeping the country did not come from the sahara but sombody opening the arsenal trophy cabinet 
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called "Chloroform", but she says she doesn't like it any more as it makes her sleepy and her arse is sore when she wakes up.
Tel
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I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Tel
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men in the north east think that putting out the wheelie bins each week
is the most romantic guesture.
as for most couples in newcastle it's where they had there first date
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"It's a good job you're cute" said the girl I pulled, "cos you're probably the cheesiest bloke I've ever met."
"Whatever love" I replied, "just keep sucking."
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Girls everywhere are posting selfies of themselves with no make up on to raise awareness of breast cancer.
Would it not make more sense to post pictures of their tits? That would get my attention.
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Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.
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I stole a TV from my next door neighbour's kitchen but I think it's broken.
Every channel is a slow spinning bowl of porridge.
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In reply to Post #2100
That could be why you're single ralphy.
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.
She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall.
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Guy in the street shouts.."BLOW UP DOLLS £40!!-BLOW UP DOLLS £40!!"
Another guy walks past... "Hey mate.. I bought one of these yesterday and I blew it up and it went straight down"
Guy in the street shouts "BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!-BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!"
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It's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do.
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Apparently scientists are saying semen is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression'
It makes sense, because it's normally the miserable ones who don't ****ing swallow in the first place.
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "Quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove past'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have visitors,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!
Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'
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There were five in the bed, and the little one said -
"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much."
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I went to see the doctor with my blonde wife:
"We've been trying & trying for a baby for months," said my wife. "I want to check everything is OK biologically - sometimes I think my husband doesn't care whether I get pregnant or not."
"Do you think you could provide an egg sample?" said the doctor.
"Yes," said my wife. "Last time we had sex he pulled out and came on my face."
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In reply to Post #2091
i've heard that ken barlow's in trouble for playing with haley's willy aswell
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Bit of a long shot but.....does anyone know of any vans for sale.... my mate roy croppers tranny has just died.
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two giants walking up and down the lengh and breadth of britain.
one says to the other " where are we ? " 1st giant reaches down through the clouds and says " essex"
2nd giant says" how do you know ?", 1st giant says " i can feel range rovers and great big houses "
as they move up the country the 2nd giant says " where are we now ? " 1st giant reaches down and says "manchester" 2nd giant says " how do you know ? ", 1st giant says " i can feel old trafford "
as they move along a bit further 2nd giant says " where are we now" 1st giant reaches down and says " liverpool " 2nd giant says " how do you know that " 1st giant says " some **** has just nicked me watch "
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In reply to Post #2088
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.
“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”
There were gasps around the classroom.
The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”
>
>
>
“No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
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David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .
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SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI
>
> "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
>
> This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
> Liverpudlian youngsters.
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
> how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
> in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
> existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
> worth of high tech equipment.
>
> It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
> team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
> advantage over every other team.
>
> However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
> practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
> four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
> re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
> of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
> the shower.
>
>
>
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Emotional scenes in Coronation Street. Hayley Cropper stiff for the first time in 15 years!
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DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes", the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS". "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." "But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid", the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden"
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50 Shades of Grey
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
. . . T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread . . .
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week ! !
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominater"!!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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House for sale in Tewkesbury
4 Bed
2 Bath
Ample parking for 30 boats
From a Northener to all those down south, remember we are are are in it together. How much is your ****ing house worth now.
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| | | Fozzy | | Posts: 17232 |  | | aka Elephant Man | |
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In reply to Post #2080
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In reply to Post #2080
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A zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie
Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages.
Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so
Geordie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for £500?
Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin’ on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle
United Football Club fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Geordie stated, "You gotta givvus another week to
come up with the £500"
happy new year Foz
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I wonder what 2014 will bring!
Apart from 300,000 Romanians and Bulgarians.
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Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.
And that he is "Still an arrogant German c**t."
(but really hope you get better)
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What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you got to feed him through real slow.
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Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart
i hope it wont smell what should i do?" i replied Put new
batteries in yer hearing aids
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Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "
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What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
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In reply to Post #2071
Brilliant PMSL
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In reply to Post #2071
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my missus was sorting out some clothes the other day and said to me
" i've had this about six years now and it still fit's, so i can't have put any weight on"
i said "it's a ****ing scarf you fat cow"
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In reply to Post #2065
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In reply to Post #2068
The best one I came across was,
why did the mechanic sleep under his car?
he wanted to get up oily
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Where's the crap cracker jokes from the last couple of days..
Mine is
What does a vampire pour on his Xmas dinner?
Grave ie..
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Irish logic: job application
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"You no see it, like? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere ya go"
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I've no brain?"
The boss is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go, One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along, see, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when do I start, boss?
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In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".
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Pub quiz in Glasgow.. "And the final question to win the £200 is;
Take Thats first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That" so what was the second two words. . .?
There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up...
Was it "Ya C#nt"...?!
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I came back from town to find my grandah sitting in the garden bollock naked from the waist down ........ so I asked him .... grandah what the f#ck you doing... get back into the house .....
he replied ..... well son I was sitting out here yesterday with nae shirt on and I got a stiff neck ......
so today .... this is yer grannys idea .
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Today at the gym ... i found a hole in my trainer ...
big enough to put my finger in ..
she has made a formal complaint .... and im now banned fae the gym ..
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the misses said tae me ...
How do you never pull a cracker at Christmas ?
...
dunno I replied .. must be the ***** aftershave yae buy me every year
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I went tae the local club last night ....
they played the twist ... I done the twist ...
they played ' jump around .. I jumped around
they played ' come on eileen .......
ehhh I got kicked oot and barred for that one
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I went tae the hospital wae a toilet brush stuck up my arse ...
what happened here sir .. asked the doctor ...
well pal .. i met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ...
ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things ???
naw pal i said ... ma f#ckin wife was hame
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In reply to Post #2058
Got my first Xmas card today from the Tourette's society.
Wasn't anything special,but it's the thought that ****s
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In reply to Post #2057
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I did not know Britain had begun a new space mission.
"Hello Euston, this is Apollo. The ceiling has landed."
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In reply to Post #2055
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'Hello, Is this the Police Station?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve police officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, jack pal". Lol.
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I bumped into an old school friend today.He started talking about his well paid job,and his expensive sports car,then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,"she's beautiful,isn't she?"I said,"if you think she's beautiful,you should see my wife!"
He said,"Why is she a stunner?"
I said, "no,she a f**king optician!"
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I went to my premature ejaculation support group meeting today.But it turns out its tomorrow.
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The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty....I watched all 50 minutes of it and didn't see her once! She's still not home and I'm getting hungry!!
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In reply to Post #2049
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In reply to Post #2049
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A young lad and his grandpa go fishing one day. They set up next to the river and sit back in their camping chairs waiting for the fish to start to bite. After a while, the grandpa pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up. The kid is really interested and asks his grandpa if he can have one. Grandpa turns to the kid and says, "Can you touch your a***h*** with your penis?"
The boy replies that he can't.
"Well," says Grandpa, "then you're not old enough yet."
Another hour or so goes by and then Grandpa pulls out a can of beer. Again the boy is interested and asks if he could have some. Grandpa repeats his earlier question and says that he isn't old enough yet.
A little while later the boy opens his tackle box and takes out a packet of sweets. Grandpa looks over and thinks that he would like one.
"Can I have one of your sweets, son?"
The kid looks at Grandpa and says to him, "Can you touch your a***h*** with your penis?"
"I most certainly can!" says Grandpa.
To which the boy replies, "Well then go f*** yourself then, you old b******."
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In reply to Post #2047
You beating everyone to it mate
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It's very very very quiet on here,what's everyone lost their sense of humour
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My wife's doing an experiment.She's wearing a burka for a week to get people's reaction.So far she's been kicked,punched and spat at.F**k knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house!
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Nelson Mandela's a legend and inspiration to every black man.
Never worked a day in his life and spent half of it in prison.
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Never has there been such a mass outpouring of grief this morning from Black people,after waking up to the news that KFC Great Yarmouth is closed due to flood damage....
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In reply to Post #2042
Micheal Barrymores ears *****ed up at the news Tom Daley has came out as gay.At last the thought,someone that doesn't mind taking it up the arse and can swim as we'll.
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In reply to Post #2039
he put it out on you tube that he takes it up the pooh tube.............. tom daley , tom daley , tom daley
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Its been reported that dyslexic africans have been leaving flowers at the doors of Nissan main dealer
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apparentley theres thousands of people gathering outside nelson mandella house.
del boy and rodney have told em to **** off
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Following Tom Daley admitting he's gay,rumours are rife that his boyfriend is a fellow Olympian.
My money's on Fatima Whitbread.
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How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to c**t a lightboll**ks?
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When asked their thoughts on Britain's no 1 diver announcing he is gay.Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time...
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In reply to Post #2035
I've had enough of Christmas.All year long I work my f**king fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for.And what happens Christmas morning? That fat f**ker with the beard gets all the credit!! Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.
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In reply to Post #2032
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In reply to Post #1
Fings were getting a bit violent down at the lake
muggings, robbery, i decided to take a mate, black belt
in Karate, could kill you wiv is bare feet, one Saturday night
3 geezers kicked the s*** out of im while he took is shoes off
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In reply to Post #2027
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In reply to Post #2031
nelson mandella dies at 95
respect where its due.....
thats 5 mph faster than paul walker
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In reply to Post #2030
SHIFT work i presume
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Bar staff wanted in Glasgow,must be able to work a rotor
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tom daley always looks slightly bent when he enters the water,
and when he gets out.
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In reply to Post #2027
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Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm and next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*****d put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
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In reply to Post #2025
God looking down from heaven
GOD........Allo Adam my son wots going down?
ADAM......Allo pops, just munchin an apple
GOD........Wheres Eve?
ADAM...... shes avin a dip in the river
GOD........ Oh no not again she knows it makes the fish smell
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In reply to Post #2024
My wife said what would you say if you caught me in bed with your best friend?
I'd call you a lesbian i replied
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I was in a pub in Glasgow last night and it was utter chaos,smoke everywhere,people screaming,fighting,spilled beer and men trampling over each other in a blind panic to be free.
Then,to make matters worst,a f**king helicopter crashed through the roof.
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My missus says if she finds me w**king over a porn site again, she will bang my head against the f**king keyboarfrgvcdsedsedsxcbnnhygtfrfbghyuujkkikjnhgg!
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In reply to Post #2021
Just been watching some ladies golf on TV. They're useless at driving, but amazing with an iron.
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I looked out my window last night and saw a group of people gathering around a Asian who'd fallen off his moped.I frantically rushed over."out of the way!" I shouted.As I pushed through the crowd a woman asked "are you a doctor?" "No" I replied......" That's my ******* pizza!!"
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Local now doing a 'Star Wars Stir Fry' ...
Freshly cooked in their E-wok
(Sorry)
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I was in the pub the other night telling a group of girls I could arse read.I explained it was a bit like palm reading,but I needed to stick my finger up their ******** to do it.Within 5 mins I was with a blonde in the toilet cubicle,knuckle deep. "Right,let's see"I said,having a poke,"for a start,I can tell you're very ******* gullible".
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My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.Half way through he said to the bloke,don't forget to put the tomahawk in his hand.The bloke said give us a ******* chance mate I've only just finished his turban.
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In reply to Post #2016
Wasn't there a Asian involved in that joke Jim
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there was a nasty incident at the Nestles factory today when a worker was trapped under a consignment of chocolate bars....every time he shouted " the milky bars are on me " everyone cheered
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In reply to Post #2014
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The Filipino government have thanked the British Govt for the rescue dogs they sent out after the hurricane.They said they were delicious.
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I thought I'd give the post lady a surprise this morning.So I sneaked up to the door naked and flopped my cock through they letterbox.Don't know what surprised her more,my cock in the letterbox,or the fact I knew where she lived
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I have attention deficit disorder. I get distracted easily my head........SHOULDERS,KNEES AND TOES,KNEES AND TOES
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In reply to Post #2010
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My wife banged on the toilet door and said "hurry up I need a **** " **** off," I shouted
"I'm trying to have a w**k in here" "so that's more important than diarrhoea" she screamed.
I yelled through the door "I'm just about to come for **** sake,just wait a few moments
Will you" What a impatient,big mouthed gob***** she is.God knows what everyone on the
Plane must have thought....!!
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My mate has 10 65" BLACK LED TVs for sale for £400 each.
If you want one,let me know asap.heres the link of the same model
At Currys worth £4500
htpp://bit.ly/IFRXA8
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A cockney and a scouser go into gregg's.the scouser steals 3 pasties and puts them in his pocket,then boasts to the cockney "did you see that? The staff never saw me."
The cockney says "that's nothing! Watch this"and goes into the shop.
He says to the manager,"give me 3 pasties and i'll show you some magic."
He eats them all and the manager says,"How is that magic?"
The cockney replied, "check that scouser's pocket"!!
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A fossil of a human jawbone was recently found that was believed to be over 10,000,000 years old.
scientists knew that it belonged to a woman as it was still moving.
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My boss gave me a 4m roll of buble wrap so i asked what he would like me to do with it.
He said 'pop it in the corner'
It took me 4 bloody hours!
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In reply to Post #2002
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Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.so the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting " ******* give it to me."
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I bought the wife some crutch less knickers for Halloween.not for sexual purposes but so that she has a better grip on her broomstick!
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The new royal baby,George has already done 3 things off every mans bucket list.
1.become a billionaire
2.met the Queen.
3. Sucked Kate Middletons Tits
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In reply to Post #1999
cracker
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In reply to Post #1998
My son asked me how babies are made.I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all.
At the end of the video I told him "it's basically just like that,only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny,and normally there isn't a horse involved".
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Am visiting my sick Uncle in hospital,he's in the morgue,having a ****
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The missus wants something in silk for christmas......No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour.
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paddy sees Murphy in hospital with two bandaged feet.Paddy asks "what have you done? Murphy replies"its f**king Morrisons again!!! I bought a sponge pudding for my tea and it said pierce the tin and stand in boiling water for ten minutes.
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Silently i slipped the condom over my erect dick and rolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft,never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed ,jaw dropping disbelief.....Then breaking the silence i spoke........"Yes,that seems to fit alright,i'll take the whole packet please......."
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In reply to Post #1993
Can you believe it ?
My Income Tax return form as been sent back to me because in response to the question 4
Do you have anyone dependent on you ? I replied
2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployed Jeremy Kyle scroungers
900,000 prisoners over 95 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission.
They claimed this was an unacceptable answer
So who the hell have I missed out.
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Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.
When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their willy's to direct the flow away from their clothes, and then shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'
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I was sitting at a red stop light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, loud, young Muslims, shouting anti-English slogans, with a half- burned Union Jack duck-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar !!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "My God, that could have been me!!!"
So today, I went out and got myself a job as a bus driver!
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As a young boy i was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis.
Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley.
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so the media say playing grand theft auto 5 will cause players to commit crime.
Bull**** i have got the coronation street board game and i am not a paedophile.
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I fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a tea bag in my mouth.
i went mental,nobody treats me like a mug!
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In reply to Post #1986
gone a bit quiet on the joke front recently :(
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In reply to Post #1982
either that or his missus has ran off with,Ryan Giggs
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ive just had some great financial news.
the little african kid that i sponsor has
been eaten by a lion.
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my ex-wife is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game
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In reply to Post #1978
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In reply to Post #1981
city supporter ???
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In reply to Post #1980
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea
Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
.
Q: What have Man Utd and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.
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The wife's sister knocked me out yesterday, I was so f----ng angry, what sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform into her dirty knickers!!
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The missus packed my bags and threw me out, as I walked out the door she screamed "I hope you have a slow and painful deaths you old *******" "oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now"
Boom Boom
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worst decision i ever made was having a penis extension...
my house looks ****ing stupid now
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If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
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the vicar see's little Johnny walking down the road with a bottle
Vicar.....hello Johnny how are you today and what have you there in the bottle?
Johnny....It's acid
Vicar....that's very dangerous Johnny, can i swap it for some holy water, the other day i rubbed some on a ladies belly and she had a baby
Johnny....That's nufink i put some acid on my dog's nut's and he overtook a motorbike.
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In reply to Post #1973
MY wife got a vibrator, still don't know how to use it, broke 3 teeth last night
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In reply to Post #1972
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My mate asked me the other day what I'm getting my wife for christmas , I said I'm gonna get her a new dress and a vibrator .......... If she doesn't like her dress she can go **** herself.
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In reply to Post #1971
Funny how it's, OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians) etc etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims. The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim
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It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
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In reply to Post #1959
better not do that one
The waiter served my soup, i said you have your thumb in my soup, ..............i have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it warm.............then why don't you stick it up your a***..............i do when i'm in the kitchen
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In reply to Post #1948
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lying in bed last night i looked into my wifes eyes and said , you remind me of the lottery
she said , is it coz im worth millions to you
i said no........... its coz i wish youd ****ing roll over
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In reply to Post #1966
Those same TOTs have been onto the KW help line and text "stop Kevin stop"
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In reply to Post #1965
kevin webster called in to the rovers on his way home today-fancied a couple of tots apparently
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A young mans body was pulled out of the thames, he had a pair of stockings, high heels,with a cucumber stuck in his rectum, oh and henwasnwearing a Tottenham shirt, but to save the family any extra trauma or embarrassment the local police removed the shirt.
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Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means....All you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
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In reply to Post #1961
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
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In reply to Post #1946
2 ladies of the night in Soho..........allo luv you ad a good night then............well yeah i suppose so i've been up and down my stairs 12 times.............ooh your poor feet.
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David Moyes reportedly trying to bring Fergie in to negotiate some extra time.
#TransferDeadlineDay
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In reply to Post #1951
Haven't heard that one for years, the tears were running down my legs
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In reply to Post #1957
I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?’
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,
“That ******* next door has still got my shovel'.
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A recent survey has shown that 1 out of every 5 people in the uk are racist.
The other 4 are filthy ....... immigrants.
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The only people who think bale is worth 94 million are those 2 girls in Peru.
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As i watched the torment of the 2 girls in Peru charged with drug smuggling and facing 15 years in prison,the anguish etched across their faces.I couldn't help but think ........i'd shag the blonde one.
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A bloke stopped me yesterday,asked for a rubbish tip,i told him,Arsenal to win the premiership.
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Jose Mourinho- i'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies."
Stephen Hawking-i'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."
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I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday,
took some scrubbing,but at least the evidence is gone.
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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****’s blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and cum is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I ****ing wrote it !!!'
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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.
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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
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my wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head down the toilet.
she said,"stop pretending to be sick,you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said,"i'm not,i'm just getting use to the smell of p***."
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If you had the choice between Bill Gates fortune or ending poverty in Africa,what colour ferrari would you pick?
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brought a tin of evaporated milk this morning , took it home and opened it and there was **** all in it
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Bet if you lost your t.v remote you'd try blame Rolf Harris, the man's nothing but nice. He once taught me how to milk a cow blind folded!
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Malcolm Tucker is the new Doctor.
I cant wait to see him tell a Dalek to go and **** its self.
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In reply to Post #1
Minnie Mouse and Micky Mouse in the divorce court, after the summing up the judge says to Micky " having buck teeth is not suitable grounds for divorce" Micky says i didn't say she had buck teeth, i said "she f***ing Goofy".
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In reply to Post #1941
Irish Medical Dictionary.
Artery- The study of paintings
Bacteria- back door to café
Barium-What doctors do when patients die
Cat scan- Search for kitty
Cauterize-made eye contact with her
Enema-not a friend
Fester-Quicker than someone else
Impotent-Distinguished
Post operative-A letter carrier
Tumour-One plus one more
Urine-Opposite of your out
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I was given the job of interviewing Kate Middleton's midwife.
"What colour hair did it have?", I asked.
"None at all, completely bald," he replied.
"Is it cute?"
"It was beautiful, one of the cutest I've ever seen," he added.
I said, "Now lets talk about the baby."
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An 8" canister was found outside a mosque today
the local muslims said they had never seen anything like it
experts are not ruling out deoderant
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In reply to Post #1935
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In reply to Post #1937
selling all my old dogging gear on ebay-no bids as yet but loads of watchers!
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In reply to Post #1933
Kin ell Paul
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In reply to Post #1931
gud un
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This Rooney hating thing has gone too far. I'm outside Old Trafford & there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney & selling them to fans. Oh, hang on....its a baked potato stand.
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I am going out with a muslim girl,but she is nothing like you would think,she drinks like a fish and bangs like a **** house door in a gale!!
Her phone has been off for a couple of days,so i rang her father last night and he said she is getting stoned.Now thats what i call one understanding and cool dad.
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Walt Disney's new film called "Jet black",the non racist version of snow white,has been put on hold.
Apparently all of the 7 dwarfs,dealer,stealer,mugger,forger,drive by,pimp and leroy have refused to sing "hi ho"because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "its off to work we go".
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Latest from Old Trafford,Rooney wants a transfer.Moyes says"put it in writing,Rooney decides to stay.
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I pulled a local slag last night and took her back to my place for sex.
As i laid on the bed watching the sperm dribble out of her *****,i immediately thought to myself,"well,at least i won't need lube."
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In reply to Post #1929
All this talk of the royal baby is bringing back some painful memories. Last time I was third inline for the throne I shat myself in wetherspoons.
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said to my missus earlier , how pissed off i was with next doors cat ****ting in the garden.
she told me to to get a shovel and chuck it over the fence , so i did .
afterwards , i thought , well... that was pretty ****ing pointless , now they've got my shovel
and i've still got there cat ****
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The new Chinese lad at work must be really religeous
He keeps talking about his praystation
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Congratulations to John terry and Kate on the birth of their baby boy
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In reply to Post #1924
Wayne Rooney still undecided about joining Chelsea, apparently Colleen is yet to agree personal terms with John Terry.
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
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In reply to Post #1922
fed up with this weather-am sweating more than a paedo in the playground
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In reply to Post #1919
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In reply to Post #1919
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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Double sprint world champion Tyson Gay has tested positive for a substance he could not identify and is pulling out of next month's world championships in Moscow.
To be fair, he's not the first gay to test positive and have to pull out before it's too late.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fcuking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fcuked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."
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some crackers there lads
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who the fcuking father is
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In reply to Post #1909
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In reply to Post #1914
gud un
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What's white and works in Mc donalds?
The fridge.
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In reply to Post #1912
liking that one ian
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The mrs buys a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.
But when i get a 360 volt F**kmaster pro blow up doll with a pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a semen collection tray and an optional built in screaming orgasm surround system..i'm called a pervert.
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In reply to Post #1903
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In reply to Post #1901
and post 1909 , spot on
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A bloke brings his mate home after work to meet his wife.His wife screams "You ******* dickhead,my hair and makeup are a mess,the house is a right ******* tip,the dishes aren't done,i'm still in my pyjamas,i can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month".
"Why the **** did you bring him home?" The husband replies "because he was thinking of getting married.
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odds on being next to pick up the ashes
England 6/4 ,
Aussies 3/1,
Winnie Mandela 1/3.
Sheryl Gascoigne 4/5
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The Doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night! doesn't matter what position we are in,nothing wakes her....
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In reply to Post #1905
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Sad to read that the creator of classic party game Twister has died. Top bloke and will always be remembered fpr giving me the chance to see my auntie's cock
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"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.
"I'm Ian ," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."
"How do you get Dick from Ian?" she asked.
" as you asked nicely," I said.
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Ramadan Diaries
Monday - didn't wash
Tuesday - didn't wash
Wednesday - didn't wash
Thursday - didn't wash
Friday - didn't wash
Saturday - bought rucksack
Sunday - won't need to wash.
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In reply to Post #1901
Who says the Scotts are Tight?
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds -
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
“We'll have a new one
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Me and my girlfriend were sitting relaxed, having a chat when I accidently sh1t myself.
I'd hoped she wouldn't notice, but then it floated to the top of the bath
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I saw my first Ethiopian DJ last night.
MT Stomach
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In reply to Post #1893
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In reply to Post #1896
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Well done the British bloke who won Wimbledon this year.
so much better than that scotch ****who lost last year.
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investigators are interviewing the Korean pilot following Sats plane crash.Lan Ding Gon Wong says his velly solly.
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In reply to Post #1890
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Serena Williams has decided to shave her hair for charity.
From her chest to her bollox, no doubt.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."
Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"
"No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."
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In reply to Post #1886
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In reply to Post #1889
west midlands police are looking for 2 racist attackers-i have one application form who wants the other????
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In reply to Post #1884
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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One day this thirty year old virgin stats getting these extremely painful sensations around her vagina. She goes in to her gynecologist and he ask her about her sex life. She replies I'm a virgin so there is no sex. He ask about her public bathroom usage habits. I work from home and I always use the bathroom before I go shopping. So there is no public bathroom usage. After a few more questions he gives her an examine and comes back saying " ma'am, I don't know what's wrong but you definitely don't have crabs". She says that she wants a second opinion and sees another gynecologist. He ask all the same questions and she gives all the same answers. He gives her an examination and comes back with the same results as the first dr. So she decides to get a third opinion. She sees a third doctor, gets asked all the same questions, gives all the same answers and receives yet another examine. The dr comes in and says I have some good and some bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry's so ripe you have fruit flies
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In reply to Post #1884
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I went out with a girl last night and asked her back to my place.She said,"I just want to tell you,I don't sleep with someone on a first date."
I replied,"That's okay,once I've fcuked you I'll phone a taxi to take you home so you can sleep in your own bed.
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In reply to Post #1884
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In reply to Post #1883
got chatting to this bird in the pub last night and was telling her about my talent
of being able to tell what day of week a woman was born on , just by playing with her tits.
she stuck her chest out and said "go on then , prove it"
after about 3 minutes of me fondling her tits she says " well, what day was i born on then ?
i said , ****ing yesterday
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"I shoved a firework up a rabbits @rse this weekend" said Little Johnny
"Johnny!" Exclaimed his teacher disgustingly, "Rectum"
Johnny replied "Yes it did, blew his boll**ks off Miss"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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just chatting to a fit bird in the pub and i asked her what her name was and she said carman, why i asked "because i like cars and men" whats your name she asked me "beer t1ts
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I can only fcuk the wife using a lubricant.
About 8 pints normally
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A man at work calls home and his 8 years old
daughter picks the phone:
“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the
phone?”
“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey
you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”
“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room
with mommy right now.”
Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want
you to do:put the phone down onthe
table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom
door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car
has just arrived at the gate.”
“Ok daddy just a minute....”
A while later the little girl comes back to the
phone, “Done it daddy.
”"What happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of
the bed naked,ran round the room
screaming,tripp
ed over,and knocked her head
on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”
“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.
He jumped out the window into the
swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know
you emptied the water last week.He hit the
bottom and I think he’s dead.”
After a really long pause this time...Daddy
says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a
swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”
“No,this is 486-5713”
“Sorry wrong number....!!!!”
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In reply to Post #1875
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In reply to Post #1875
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In reply to Post #1873
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1873
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend's stockings as she crossed her legs. So I whispered in her ear, "We know how this ends, so let's leave now before the final curtain. I've got plans for you."
She said, "We can't, it would be rude to get up and walk out."
I said, "Of course we can."
She said, "Dave, it's your wife's funeral.
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What does a perverted frog say? ...Rubbit.
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I just said hello to my neighbour who has Alzheimer's and Tourette's.
"Hello c*nt. Nice to see you" he said, "who are you? F**k off."
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I've installed a two-way mirror in my daughter's bathroom, but I'm taking it back to the shop tomorrow.
All I can see is me looking stupid with my dick in my hand.
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In reply to Post #1870
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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
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Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.
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Theater Seats for Seniors
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"The balcony."
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A guy has a wife who is an extreme nimphomaniac, she will screw anything that can walk, the slightest touch sets her off, and the guy is really tired of it, he cannot take her anywhere, and it makes him mad, so he takes her to a doctor, and sees if there is anything he can do, he explains everything to him, and the doctor tells the man to wait, and him and the guy's wife go into another room, where the doctor starts to give her a check-up, and at his touch, the woman starts moaning, and starts stripping, moaning louder, and louder, and the doctor eventually cannot take it anymore, and hops on top of her, and starts screwing her, the husband, meanwhile, hears his wife moaning, and getting suspicious, he busts thru the door, and sees the doctor on top of his wife, "What the hell are you doing?", he yells, the doctor flusters, "I was, um, um, uh, um, just taking your wife's tempature!", the man, very angry, takes out his pocket knife and starts honing it on his sleeve very deliberately, "I don't know how you are taking her tempature with that, doc, but that thing damn well better have numbers on it when you pull it out!"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My wife said, "I wish I had a pound for every time I had to tell you off."
I replied, "You do, in weight!
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William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.
When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.
"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.
"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
William asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said William I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "
Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.
Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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After the success of the documentary "The Man With The 10 Stone Testicles", Channel 4 have an announced a further documentary featuring a man with no testicles. "An Audience with Nick Clegg airs on August 19th. .
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In reply to Post #1860
Stonking, made me chuckle
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In reply to Post #1859
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In reply to Post #1859
A farmer gets a phone call from his son.I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive....shoot it says the farmer,and then bury it.....about 20 mins later he gets another call....done that,what should i do with the speed camera and motorbike?
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In reply to Post #1858
I've just joined a reggae band playing the triangle,all i have to do is stand around and ting.
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In reply to Post #1857
I gazed into her eyes
my heart was pounding
lips trembling,unable to speak
sweat forming on my brow
she opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words i'll never forget.
"thats him officer."
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In reply to Post #1856
years ago it was suggested "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."But since all the doctors are now muslim,i've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
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In reply to Post #1855
Gangbang style
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From http://www.theembarrassingphotos.com/
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I don't see why Kanya West decided to give his kid a stupid name like North.
If I was him I'd have chosen a normal name like Fred.
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In reply to Post #1851
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Sky News: "A million brazilian protesters take to the streets !"...
Wow...Thats even more than a trillion grazilian, I think.
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In reply to Post #1840
"Mashed potato everywhere"
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In reply to Post #1848
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Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just £2, we will send you the video - its fu**ing hilarious!
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John terry has just announced 'It was me all along!' and taken credit for the vocal on the Milli Vanilli double LP from 1988.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1845
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What's Stuart Hall getting for Christmas? The bunk bed above Ken Barlow.
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In reply to Post #1843
I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to f**k off.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the fcukin jar open!
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What's got thirteen brains and one head?
The Yorkshire Rippers Hammer.
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
I think judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is wa*king off to a porn film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 14 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open.
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One day, three scientists were having a discussion about how much an elephant sh1ts in one year. The scientists all had very different opinions on this and decided that the only way to find out would be to do an experiment.
The experiment involved putting a cork into an elephants @rse and leaving it there for one year. All of the scientists agreed that this was a good way to measure how much the elephant would sh1t in one year. However, one of the scientists pointed out that once the cork is removed the explosion of sh1t could be imense. So in the year they spent waiting to remove the cork they trained a monkey to remove the cork.
The day had arrived to remove the cork, the monkey was in position and the scientists went to their positions.
The first one said,"I'm not taking any chances, I'm standing half a mile away!"
The second one insisted,"I think your still too close, I'm standing mile away!"
The third one announced,"Well I think your both crazy, I'm standing two miles away!"
With the scientists in position the monkey was instructed over radio to remove the cork. The elephant screamed and the explosion of sh1t was enormous. The scientist standing two miles away was covered up to his ankles in sh1t, thinking to himself,"This isn't too bad, could be worse."
He walked up to the second scientist who was up to his waist in sh1t. He was fuming, "I should have listened to you, look at me I'm up to my fcuking waist in elephant sh1t!"
They both walked up to the first scientist who was standing only half a mile away. He was covered up to his neck in sh1t but was giggling to himself. They said to him,"Why the hell are you laughing, your up to your neck in elephant sh1t... What's so funny?"
"I'm just thinking about the fcuking monkey", came the reply.
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The other night, I was on my first date with a girl I really like. Everything was going great, the conversation was flowing brilliantly and we got to the point where we were just asking random questions, when she asked...
"If you can name any part of me, what would it be and what would you call it?"
After a moment or two I replied...
"It would be your mouth and I would call it handy"
Almost immediately, with a puzzled look on her face she asked...
"Oh, Why call it handy?"
To which I said...
"So, whenever you are bored, alone or just feeling down, I can cum in handy"
I haven't heard from her since.
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Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. “OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. “Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.”St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Lada, goodbye.”He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!”A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.Vito asks, “Hey! What's the matter with you? We should be crying! We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!
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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Grown-Up' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Grown-Up' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Grown-Up' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH1T.
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The Incredible Hulk has just text me a picture of a cucumber
I think....?
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In reply to Post #1833
They all do the full circle in the end...... 
Probably suppressible these days.
Doesn't need it now does it.....  
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In reply to Post #1824
That one dates back to my teenage years...and I am now well old!
In my youth we would tell it in the voice of a fella with a cleft pallet.
"Worth!" he replies. "There I am, clinging to the window ledgth, freething cold, nothing on, covered in pith, when all of a thudden her husband thez he needs a thit. So he comths up to the window and thits out of it....all over me!"
etc. etc.
"Yeth, but when I looked down I wath only sith inthes off the gwound."
Probably suppressible these days.
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In reply to Post #1831
I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around................................I felt like I was on The Voice.
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In reply to Post #1828
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In reply to Post #1829
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Dear Deidre....I was was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless the other day from my bedroom window....while I was ****ing I turned to notice my wife just standing there arms folded watching me...Is she a pervert??
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A large couple tumbled into the pub I work at and sat down in the restaurant. They'd clearly been to several other pubs this evening. I went over to their table to take their order.
"I'll have a cheeseburger with chips and a large glass of Pinot".
"I'm sorry, madam", I replied, "I'm afraid you've clearly had enough this evening, and I'm not going to be able to serve you"
"This is absurd!" exclaimed the man, as he jumped up from his seat "I think you'll find we've not had a drink all night, you imbecile".
"I think you'll find I was talking about the food, you fat ****".
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In reply to Post #1810
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In reply to Post #1817
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I walked in on my son masturbating the other day.
'You shouldn't w@nk too often!' I shouted 'You'll go blind!'
'Erm, Dad I'm over here.' He replied
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My wife came home and told me she just made £901 sucking several cocks.
Me: Who the hell gave you the 1 pound?
My wife: They all did.
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In reply to Post #1817
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In reply to Post #1812
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The pictures of the little Chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming.
I hear the nurses have named him Tam Pon.
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To the person who nicked my trainers when i was on the bouncy castle ******* GROW UP.
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stop being horrible to the fat kid he already got enough on his plate.
My deaf girlfriend has been having an affair with a deaf friend of mine.I should of seen the signs!!
An old man gets on a bus and there are no seats so he leans on his walking stick.The bus brakes and he slips.A young boy says "Mister,if you had a rubber at the end of your stick that wouldn't of happened".The old man replies "if your dad had taken the same advice I'd have a ******* seat".
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3 manchester utd fans walk into a bar..A glory hunter,a cockney and a ****.... that was just the first one.
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my son said,"Dad,when was the first time you fell in love?"I said, "I was 18.I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.Cupid fired his arrow the second i saw her." He said, "so what happened?" I said "nothing.Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your ******* mother."
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In reply to Post #1812
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In reply to Post #1809
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In reply to Post #1812
Damn straight lol
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In reply to Post #1811
Hey! Cmon!! Not the place for educational & cultural insights!! Let's get back to socks full of cum, and w@nking over distressed old ladies!!
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In reply to Post #1800
Re: Martin's post 'I have a Scottish friend';. In Canada, almost the entire country was at one time owned by the Hudson's Bay Company, who brought bond servants and peasants from the Orkneys to work in it's Northern Stores. In 1972, 300 years after they started, when I worked up there they were still doing it, (clerks had to work off their plane fare and expenses). Relevance?, there are an incredible number of Native Canadians named Harper, Flett, Mackay, etc. There may be more Native Canadians named John Harper than Scots. Bannock is the staple bread of most First Nations in Canada as well, and unless I'm wrong a good bit of the States. Sorry no joke, next time!
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Roberto Martinez has promised to bring Champions League football to Goodison Park.
He aims to have Sky Sports installed by September.
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Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.
I feel a bit guilty about the w@nk now.
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The big-titted blonde from next door lent over the garden fence earlier dressed in just a see-through negligee, and asked if I could pound her pussy.
I phoned my mate Dave from the animal shelter, and he popped round.
He was there for three hours, and left with a big smile on his face, but no cat.
Strange.
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In reply to Post #1806
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So Tulisa has been arrested for dealing Class A drugs...
I guess we won't be seeing 'Share a Coke with Tulisa' on bottles anytime soon.
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Wearing crocs is like being sucked off by a man.
It feels great but when you look down you can see it is just wrong.
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In reply to Post #1803
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Brazil's new stadium looks good, I expected the pitch to just be a strip of turf on the edge of the box.
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I accidentally wore my w@nk sock to work yesterday.
Now I've got to pretend I broke my leg skiing for the next three months so I don't look creepy.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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What do you get if you can catch a tan Monday to Friday?
Job seekers allowance
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I have a Scottish friend, who last year married a Native American girl, and the couple recently celebrated the birth of a baby boy.
Choosing the name proved to be very contentious, though.
He wanted to give him a Scot's name, while she wanted to give him a traditional Mohican one.
Thankfully, they sorted it, and I was really honoured when they asked me if I would be Godfather to little Hawkeye The Noo.
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I was flirting with a couple of girls at the bar last night when suddenly my wife called me.
She said, "Dave, where are you?"
I styled it out by remaining silent and just continued to smile at the girls.
"Dave, where the **** are you?" she screamed even louder.
Again I remained silent and took a sip of my pint.
This went on for a good 30 seconds before my wife eventually picked up her white stick and walked out.
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In reply to Post #1797
Digging up the garden this morning,I found a Land Rover buried 6ft down...which was a nice discovery.
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My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers in the glove box of the car.
"What the **** are these?" she asked.
"Knickers," I replied.
"Oh. I've heard about them, but I've never seen a pair."
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In reply to Post #1795
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"Are you ready to give me an anal bartering?" asked my wife.
"Don't you mean battering?" I winked.
"There are some very expensive shoes I want," she replied, "I know what I mean."
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I'm glad they didn't make a "Share a Coke with Whitney" bottle, I think she had enough.
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After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before ****ting myself and falling asleep in the corner.
The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.
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"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"
"Michael. My name's Michael."
"Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael."
"Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please."
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
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I rang the wife to tell her I was coming home, after a month of working away.
"I can't wait to see you again." She told me.
"And I've a nice surprise for you, too."
When I got there, I opened the living room door to find her lying on the couch, stark naked.
"Holy **** baby, you look amazing!!" I said, jaw hitting the floor.
"It looks like you've lost loads of weight and certainly aren't the same fat bitch you were a few weeks ago. This is a fabulous surprise."
"Oh **** off, Dave!" she snapped. "I've bought us a bigger sofa."
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In reply to Post #1788
Pmsl
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Try this puzzle.....its amazing!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it IS my absolute fave film.....it does work!!!
Pick a number between 1 & 9
Multiply it by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply again by 3
Add the two digits together and see results below:
3. Oliver Twist
4. Star Wars
5. Goodfellas
6. Saving Private Ryan
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins
See......it's spot on!!!!!
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Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
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My wife insists I take off my socks during sex...
All THREE of them.
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I was talking to one of the girls on Babestation last night.
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Gary," I said. "You've got great tits."
"Thanks, Babe," she replied.
"And that arse is to die for," I continued.
"Aw, you're a sweetie," she smiled.
"Now, lick your nipples," I growled.
"What did you say?" she asked.
"Lick your nipples," I repeated, sliding my pants down. "And play with your clit at the same time."
She looked to her left and said, "Dave... This new cameraman's a bit creepy."
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In reply to Post #1782
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In reply to Post #1781
at school teacher said right where is pakistan? jonny says out there playing football with paki dave
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In reply to Post #1775
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In reply to Post #1779
gud un!
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After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."
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My girlfriend hates it when I slip my cock out of her and finish myself off over her pussy.
She says his hair gets really matted.
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I was watching football when the wife sat beside me,stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered,"fancy a ****?"
I said, "you're after something" "No i'm not," she protested.
"Yes you are,"i said. "You're after match of the day.Come back in an hour.
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I met a bloke from Oklahoma this morning.
In my garden.
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Lionel Richie is to be opening a kebab shop just for Muslims, Halal is it meat your looking for!
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"I can't believe they show this rubbish on TV, just because it is a cup final. It's not real football, the players are sub-standard and nobody is really interested."
"That's very sexist" said my wife, "Women's football has come a long way in recent years, it is now professional and has a strong domestic league and international competitions."
"Who's talking about Women's football, I mean the Scottish Cup"
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In reply to Post #1769
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Little Johnny: "Let's see, £6,000 for materials, £4,000 for labour, then there's the electrics and the plumbing. Will do the job for 12,000."
Little Patel: "I am sorry, I know my shop needs this extension but I have only £9,000 to offer you, Plus all your discounted grocery needs."
Teacher: "What on earth is going on here?"
Little Johnny: "Please miss, we are playing cowboys and Indians."
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In reply to Post #1770
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Bill Kenwright was in Tesco the other day,.,. he saw an old lady struggling to reach a box on the top shelf..............
"Can you manage love"? he asked....
"**** off" she shouted.., "I don't want the bloody job either"
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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
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In reply to Post #1766
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In reply to Post #1764
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A business man is dating a girl who is addicted to sex.
He really loves her, and of course hes a man so he doesn't mind it.
Well because he has to travel a lot for his job but he was afraid his girl would cheat on him. So he went to an adult store in search of something for her to use. A clerk came up to him and asked him what he was looking for, he explained his situation and the clerk told him that he had just the perfect thing for him. He led the business man to the back of the store and pulled out a wooden box. He explained "alright, inside this box is a voodoo dildo. All you gotta do it say voodoo dildo whatever it is you want it too and open the box. Like this: Voodoo dildo the door,"he opened the box and the dildo jumped out and went over and started humping the door. "To get it back in all you gotta do is say voodoo dildo back in the box." and the dildo got back in. So the man bought it and took it home. He explained to his girlfriend that all she had to do when she got horny was tell the dick "voodoo dick my pussy" and it would do it. So he left and went on his trip. Not long after his girl got horny so she opened the box and said "voodoo dildo my pussy" it jumped out and started giving it too her. Well after hours and hours of amazing satisfaction, she realized she didnt know how to make it stop. So after trying and trying she got into her car and decided to go to the hospital, on the way she swerved all over the road. A passing cop saw this and pulled her over. The woman explained the situation and the cop scoffed and said "Hah...voodoo dildo my arse"
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In reply to Post #1756
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"You know, it was roasting in bed last night.." I said to the wife.
"But with you there, it was like sleeping next to a fridge."
"Oh come on!" She protested.
"You can't say I'm cold."
"No, you're not." I agreed.
"But you ARE huge and full of food."
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In reply to Post #1760
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If you want to bet live in fight during the next Audley Harrison fight, make sure you sign into your account before round 1 starts.
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On my way to work this morning i noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.
Knowing how dangerous that can be,i promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
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CLAIM,,CLAIM,,CLAIM,,,were you abused by a celebrity in the seventies or eighties???Did Jim fix it for you??Where you one of rolfs two little boys??Did you get serviced in Kevin webster's garage??Remember,Where there's a stain,there's a claim!!
Simply send a Email to MYARSEISSTILLSORE.com to start your fraudulent claim!!!!
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In reply to Post #1756
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My boss called me into his office and told me to go into the restroom and masturbate..
I came back and told him I'd finished to which he ordered me to go and do it again.
On my return I told him I had done the deed and he ordered me to go and do it again!
I explained that I couldn't possibly do it so soon.
He then threw his car keys too me and said "Now you can run my daughter home"
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In reply to Post #1756
Stoke city have announced they have short listed 6 new managers to replace Tony Pulis.
1) - Sir clive woodward
2) - Andy Robison
3) - Brian Ashton
4) - Rob Andrew
5) - Martin Johnson
6) - Stuart Lancaster
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Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier.
"Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?"
"Ha ha ha, you cheeky ****er!" he said, "It's a ****ing Kindle!"
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"Children, can anyone tell me where babies come from?" enquired the teacher.
"Please miss, me!" shouted a scruffy looking lad from the back of the class.
"Okay Johnny, go ahead and this had better be good"
"Well I'm sure I'm the result of a c*nt and a pr1ck having sex," answered an excited Johnny.
"Don't you mean a penis and a vagina?" tutted the teacher.
"No miss, I'm pretty sure my mum and dad don't call each other that"
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In reply to Post #1752
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In reply to Post #1751
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paddy pulls up at the traffic lights and a really fit bird pulls up next to him
paddy smiles at her and winds his window down
she smiles back at paddy and winds her window down
paddy says to her ," have you farted aswell"
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I went into my local pharmacy for some condoms. It's run by my mate's mum, who's a snotty cow.
"Can I have two dozen condoms please, Miss?" I said with my best smile.
"Don't 'Miss' me, young Dave Wheeler!" she replied sternly.
"Ooooh, OK!" I told her. "Better make it 25 then."
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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, man, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle like."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Gaffa."
The manager groaned ..."Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?â
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the new 4 x 4 Mitsubishi Shogun".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his missus like and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's buggered, ya might as well be gan fishin..."""
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Jimmy puts his hand up. "Miss," he says. "Would you do anal?"
"I beg your pardon?" says his teacher.
"I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?"
His teacher explodes. "You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!"
"Good," beams Jimmy. "I was hoping you would."
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I got to the off-licence at five past ten last night.
'Sorry, we're closed,' the owner said.
'Oh, for ****'s sake!' I shouted.
He said, 'Calm down mate. Think, what would Jesus do?'
I replied, 'Bearing in mind that he could turn water into wine, I doubt this would really be much of a setback for that ****.'
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In reply to Post #1744
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In reply to Post #1745
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The wife's just finished trimming her pubes.Her fanny looks a lot neater now but she's completely ****** my flymo.
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Ariel Castro ******* legend! Holds three woman captive for 10 years and neighbours don't hear a thing.
I can't keep mine quiet for 10 ******* minutes
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In reply to Post #1740
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A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a pr1ck in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
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My daughter's lisp really winds me up.
Thought we were going to watch the Eurovision Thong Contest.
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"You know something love.." I said to the wife, "I'm that ****ing bored, I'm even thinking of decorating this living room."
"Well what about THIS for an idea?" She replied, ripping off her knickers and throwing them over the back of the sofa.
"That seems like an excellent idea." I told her.
"It'll stop me getting paint on the cushions."
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In reply to Post #1730
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In reply to Post #1737
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A Bangladeshi woman has been pulled out of the rubble after 17 days trapped in the factory..............Primark have questioned her overtime sheet!
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After Angelina Jolie's actions to prevent cancer a lot of celebrities have copied her.
Like Susan Boyle,who's had her testicles removed
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My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
"********" l said "l didn't even know it was your birthday
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In reply to Post #1730
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In reply to Post #1732
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that the decided to return to the clubhouse for help.
Her pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she replied.
"Where?" He asked.
She said, "Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."
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Heard some moaning coming from upstairs as I walked in from work today, so ran up to the bedroom to investigate. I opened the door to find my wife naked on the bed, four fingers jammed up her sopping hole.
As she saw me stood there, she put on a real show for me and brought herself to a noisy, wet orgasm before my eyes.
"So what would you like me to do for you now, baby?" She asked, as she got her breath back.
"Change the ****ing duvet?"
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An old lady came into my Vet Surgery earlier with her Bull Mastif.
"Could you help me?" She asked, "Everytime I get down on my hands and knees to clean the floors, my Freddy mounts me and frantically humps me, which can be very painful!"
"Would you like me to castrate him?" I asked.
"No thank you," she replied, "Could you cut his toenails please?"
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In reply to Post #1725
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In reply to Post #1722
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1725
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What has hit more balls than David Beckham's right boot?
Katie Price's chin!
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My wife warned me not to even think about sticking my cock in her arse when taking her doggie style, but its been obsessing me for ages.
And when one of my favorite Motown classics came on the radio I took a deep breath and went for it.
I just couldn't resist the temptations.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1722
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1720
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A man with a penis for a nose is standing in a bar, "How do I drink my pint without my nose dipping in it?" he sobbed to the barmaid.
"Come here," she said spitting on the palm of her hand, "it's not hard."
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There is a new cofee shop opening in Liverpool for the younger clientele
Tarbucks
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Liza Tarbuck must be really embarrassed.
Not because of her father's arrest.
But because shes a fat,talentless ****.
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In reply to Post #1718
David Moyes has said he's going to find it really hard to leave Everton as his car is still sitting on bricks.
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In reply to Post #1713
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In reply to Post #1715
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In reply to Post #1711
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
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> The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
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> Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
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> "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>
> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
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> "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
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> That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
>
> The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
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> The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
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> The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
>
> The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
>
> The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the fcukin remote
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An old man went to the pharmacy to buy Viagra.
"Could I have 6 pills, and could they be split into quarters please?"
"I can split them" said the Pharmacist. "But a quarter of a pill won't give you a full erection."
"I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection. I just want it too poke out enough that I don't piss on my slippers!"
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In reply to Post #1705
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In reply to Post #1705
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In reply to Post #1705
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In reply to Post #1705
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In reply to Post #1704
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1701
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The last time I saw this much fuss about an old man finishing his career in Manchester
Ken Barlow was being led away in handcuffs
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"I've been waiting for you."She whispered as she bent over pulling up her nighty."Now get over here and stick it in my arse".
I hate suppository time at Grandma's house.
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In reply to Post #1695
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1698
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After having a good sh!t, I sprayed my aftershave to cover up the smell.
Now my bathroom just smells like a sh!t is getting ready for a night out.
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In reply to Post #1695
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In reply to Post #1692
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Ben and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as airplane
mechanics in Bristol One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ben says, "Bloody hell, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me
too I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to
try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of plastic cups high octane
fuel and get completely smashed.
The next morning Ben wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels Bloody GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, " How do you feel this morning?" Ben says, "I feel
bloody marvelous . How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a
hangover?" Ben says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,
nothing. We ought to do this more often." Hesitating Jim says, well there's just one
thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in SCOTLAND
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A teacher was standing at the front of the class and she said, "I'd like you to tell me what you think sex is."
Little Jenny at the front put her hand up and said, "I saw a doggie on top of another doggie - is that sex, miss?"
"Yes, good girl," she said.
Then little Paul put his hand up and said, "I saw my mummy jumping up and down on my daddy in bed, is that sex miss?"
"Yes, good boy, Paul.
And then little Tommy stood up at the back of the class and shouted, "miss, I was watching telly the other day and I saw seven Indians on top of John Wayne, is that sex?"
The teacher said, "no, Tommy."
He stood back up and said, "I didn't think it was."
The teacher said, "why didn't you think it was?"
Tommy stood up again and said, "I knew it would take more than seven indians to fcuk John Wayne.
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What's Green and smells like bacon?
Kermits fingers.
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I just arrived home to find a Manchester City season ticket nailed to my gate.
I thought, "WOW !!! That's fantastic !!! You never know when you're gonna need a nail " !!!
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In reply to Post #1690
The three women who have been set free in Ohio after ten years were asked by a psychologist if they had any questions to ask.All three jumped up and asked,"Have Arsenal won a trophy yet?"
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Jimmy Tarbuck has told Operation Yewtree detectives that the kids clothes and junior golf clubs found in his boot belong to Ronnie Corbett.
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In reply to Post #1686
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In reply to Post #1686
Fu**in beltin!
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In reply to Post #1686
Shares in Wrigleys chewing gum has dropped 17% following the news of alex ferguson retirement, redundancies expected.
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In reply to Post #1685
Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.
Esmeralda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"
About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmeralda a great big hug.
"Well it worked" Quasimodo beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"
Sorry mate couldn't resist
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In reply to Post #1684
Might have a nosey mate
Well in
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In reply to Post #1682
If you're awake tonight at 11pm i think he's on a programme on channel 4 called embarrassment bodies
There's only so much Dr Christian can do 
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There's been unconfirmed reports that Wayne Rooney has handed in a written transfer request.
They're unconfirmed as it's written in crayon.
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In reply to Post #1681
Ian dowie... Kin ell , he only has to drive past your ground on match day and your in for a tw**ing
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In reply to Post #1680
That will sort the ******* out
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In reply to Post #1679
Ask Martin how much I like the mancs
I'm on my knees beggin for failure there
And prayin for Ian dowie as next Everton gaffer
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In reply to Post #1678
thought you'd like that one
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In reply to Post #1672
Wish I could say the same boy this one Paul
Shame on you Paul
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In reply to Post #1673
belter
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In reply to Post #1666
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I went for a job interview today.The employer said-what's your biggest fault?I said-probably my honesty.he said-well,i wouldn't really say that was a fault.I said-i couldn't give a **** what you think you fat ****!
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80s sensation Morph has been arrested and charged with being a playdophile.
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Despite Robin Van Persie netting 25 times for Man utd,he's still only 4th best attacker in Manchester,behind Ken Barlow,Kevin Webster,and Stuart Hall.......
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In reply to Post #1671
ferguson has retired under allegations of sexual abuse,he's accused of ******* 11 Liverpool lads twice a year for the last 20 years
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In reply to Post #1668
Thats a good un Ian
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my mates wife rang me today , asking if id seen him.
i said not since yesterday.
she screamed , lying ******* told me he was with you all night.
er... he was i said
dont you stick up for him, you just said you aint seen him since yesterday
yes , well ... erm i paused , weve been playing hide n seek
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Steve bruce talking about sir alex ferguson- "when you play for him, he rubs off on you" f**kin hell, are there any famous men over 60 who aren't sex offenders?
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In reply to Post #1666
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In reply to Post #1664
First Thatcher dies, then Fergie retires... somewhere there's a scouser with a dirty old lamp and one wish left.
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In reply to Post #1664
You were bloody quick with that one
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Alex Feguson is to retire.Wonder if they'll give him a watch when he does?
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1660
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1656
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In reply to Post #1660
What' 1cm wide and found on the end of a boys penis?
The gap in Jimmy tarbuck's teeth.
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In reply to Post #1659
Black jokes and Mexican jokes are pretty much the same when you get down to it.
Once you've heard juan you've heard Jamal.
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In reply to Post #1656
#1657
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In reply to Post #1657
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In reply to Post #1656
Ralphy...i just found a pen...is it yours mate
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walked into the pub yesterday and found a pen on the floor
said to the village idiot at the bar " is this yours mate "
give it here he said , ill try it.
yep , its mine he replied
i said " how do you know"
he said , coz thats my handwriting
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In reply to Post #1652
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1652
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In reply to Post #1651
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?" I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat Cow.
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In reply to Post #1650
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian.
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An alcoholic, a sex addict and a pothead, all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from earth and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods.
Satan first approaches the alcoholic, What is it that you would like to have, to which the alcoholic responds, I want the finest brew, wine and liquor you can get me?. Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine and of course the purest grain alcohol, each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste; a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, WHOOA WHO!! in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks What is it that you would like to have?, to which the sex addict responds WOMEN! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!. Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs and some short, some have tight pussies and some have shaved pussies. All of the women are hot, naked and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks. What is it that you would like to have?, to which the pothead responds, Well, that's easy! I want the best weed you got. Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pot head was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style (like with his legs crossed), took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looks at him curiously, shuts the door and locks it.
**ONE HUNDRED YEARS PASS**
Satan returns to the first room (remembering the alcoholic), unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked covered in his own vomit and ****, screaming 'HELP!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!'. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan then returns to the second room (remembering the sex addict), unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan finally arrives at the third and final room (remembering the pothead), unlocks and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan?s evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched; just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, What's wrong?. A tear rolls down the pothead?s cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies, 'Got a lighter, man?'
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In reply to Post #1647
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."
I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back,"OMG really?"
I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message.
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In reply to Post #1644
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In reply to Post #1644
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
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I came home from a college to find a sexy woman sunbathing topless in the neighbour's back garden.
She was listening to her ipad and had a towel covering most of her face, so I had to take my chance by quickly pulling out my cock and ejaculating over my mum's flowerbeds.
As I walked back into the house with a smile on my face, my dad said, "Did you say hello to the new neighbour?"
"No, is she nice?" I asked.
"She's not bad for a tranny," he replied.
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In reply to Post #1639
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In reply to Post #1637
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In reply to Post #1639
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In reply to Post #1638
I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?" I enquired.
"No..." he said, "... hurdles."
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In reply to Post #1637
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A man goes on holiday to Barcelona and decides to go for a meal in town. A fancy bistro catches his eye so he walks in and orders paella.
Whilst he's waiting he spots his waiter serving a man's meal. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat.
"Excuse me señor" he says to the waiter just before he walks past his table. "That dish you served to the gentleman over there, what is it?"
"Ahh, that señor is our most popular dish. The bulls testicles"
"Really?" the man says in a surprised manor. "It looks and smells great! Is it too late to change my order?"
"No it is not señor but I'm afraid you cannot have the bulls testicles"
"Why not?"
"There is only one bull fight a day señor so only one meal can be ordered a day. If you come back early tomorrow you can order it then"
The man is disappointed and so he has his meal, goes back to his hotel and comes back the next day. First one through the door and orders the testicles.
After a short wait his meal arrives. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat.
He tucks in and is amazed at the unbelievable taste and texture of what he thinks is by far the best thing he has ever eaten.
After finishing, the waiter comes over.
"How was it señor? You like?"
"That was the best thing I've ever eaten but I just had one slight issue"
"Yes señor?"
"Well, the dish you gave to the gentleman yesterday, the testicles on his plate seemed bigger than mine"
"Ahh señor, sometimes the bull wins"
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In reply to Post #1630
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I shaved my wife's pubic region this morning to resemble Hitler's mustache.
I call it "The Clitler"
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Anal after Mexican food is like oral from a dragon.
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Last night,the presenter on a charity advert said,"Pick up your phone and pledge."
I'm still sitting here,with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the **** I'm supposed to do next.
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In reply to Post #1631
The Metropolitan Police are baffled after authorities at Wembley opened the stadium this morning to discover that 70,000 seats had towels on them.
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In reply to Post #1630
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"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for THUMBTACKS.In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?
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In reply to Post #1624
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In reply to Post #1625
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I was sad to hear that Audley Harrison has hung up his gloves........he could have sold them on ebay as nearly new.
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In reply to Post #1624
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I was in Ikea with my wife yesterday and she asked "What's beech wood"
I smiled and said "Remember when we were in Spain and you were playing in the sand and wearing that bikini?"
"Ohhh...yeah.." she said, giggling.
"Yeah, it's what I would have got that day if you were'nt fat".
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my wife took two hours to get ready to go out last night.
she came downstairs and said " how do i look"
like a film star i replied
oh , really , which one?
i said ****ing lassie
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In reply to Post #1618
after a 10 game ban , he'll probbably die of starvation
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My daughter went out on her first date yesterday, and I asked her how it went.
"Oh my god!" she said, "He was minging."
"In what way?" I said.
"He had greasy hair, manky teeth and really stinky breath."
"You never know, he might've been a really nice bloke," I replied.
"I know," she said, "But my standards are a lot higher than mum's were."
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In reply to Post #1620
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I walked in the pub last night to see 2 big blokes in there 20s arm wrestling with a huge crowd cheering around them.
I walked over and said to them, "I could beat either of you two in arm wrestle, hands down."
"Dont make me laugh," one of them said. "You're about 60 years old."
"I know I am," I replied. "But I'm also a virgin."
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A Mother in law said to her daughter in law, when the baby was born i don't mean to be rude,but he looks nothing like my son,the daughter lifted up her skirt and said,i don't mean to be rude but this is fanny not a ******* photocopier.
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All Liverpool fans can hope for is that Luis Suarez comes back even hungrier...
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The wife and I were watching an old video of Emannuelle last night. Halfway through, she got up, winked, went off to the bedroom and came back a few moments later. She posed in the doorway wearing only black undies and suspenders, then purred "Don't I look just like Sylvia Kristel?"
"Mmmmmm," I replied, "you'd better get the vaseline, baby."
"No need," she smiled, "I'm already pretty excited...."
I said "it's to smear on my glasses."
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In reply to Post #1615
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby girl.
"Congratulations!' says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby girl and says,
"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name her Sum Ting Wong.
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In reply to Post #1613
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A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My boss called me in the office today, to have a word.
"Would you like to explain your self," he demanded.
I thought for a second, and then said,
"My name's Dave, I've got red hair, a bit chubby; I'm a 33 year old virgin, and I regularly w@nk over that photo of your daughter on your desk, when you are out for dinner"
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In reply to Post #1607
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In reply to Post #1601
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I had Audley Harrison in front until they rang the bell for the first round.
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In reply to Post #1607
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Lucky for Newcastle that Suarez wasn't playing, or it could have been ate.
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In reply to Post #1605
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Liverpool appealing to the FA to see if they can get Suarez's ban extended.
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I came home from work early and found my wife in the bedroom laying on the bed stark naked with a labrador licking chocolate spread from her pussy.
I said, "What the hell is going on?"
She said, "I was feeling horny and I couldn't wait for you to get home."
I said, "But who is that sitting in the lounge downstairs with dark glasses and a white stick?"
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In reply to Post #1602
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Three women were discussing the relationship between their husbands' behaviours and the naming of their children.
The first woman said, "My husband likes plenty of alcohol, so we named our child Brandy."
The second one said, "My husband likes sweets, so we named our kid Candy."
The third woman being ashamed of her husband's behaviour rose up and shouted at her son - "DICK,LET'S GO HOME"
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just seen My ex girlfriend in the supermarket."Sarah Green,"I said,"How are you?" "i'm okay," she replied.
"What's that you're buying?" i asked, "pile cream??you have big fat piles?"She looked around,then looked back at me and said, "Dave,could you be any louder?" "i'm afraid not," i replied, "This is the loudest the tannoy can go".
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In reply to Post #1597
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In reply to Post #1597
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In reply to Post #1597
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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On Wednesday afternoon, a fourth-grade teacher announces to her class, "Children, I'm going to ask you a question, and if anyone can answer it correctly, they can take tomorrow off from school." Of course, this gets the immediate and undivided attention of all the students. They lean forward in their chairs and listen intently.
"All right," says the teacher, "here is the question: How many grains of sand are there on the beach at the Oak Street beach?" Needless to say, none of the children knows the answer.
The following day, the teacher says, "If you can answer today's question correctly, you may take tomorrow off from school. The question is: How many drops of water are there in the Lake Michigan?"
The children sit in silence, frustrated by the second impossibly difficult question. Dirty Johnny, sitting in the back of the class, is particularly annoyed. "I'm gonna fix her,' he thinks. That night, he goes home and paints two golf balls black.
Friday, the teacher says, "Okay, here is today's question..." But before she can get it out, Dirty Johnny rolls the two painted golf balls to the front of the room. With a loud clatter, the golf balls hit the wall right below the blackboard.
Startled, the teacher looks around the room and says, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
"Eddie Murphy," Johnny replies. "I'll see ya Tuesday
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"I can't believe the dog was licking your dick" said Dave's missus.
"Well its not like I didn't discipline him, I gave him a smack on the nose and told him off!" Dave replied.
"I know, I just thought it might have been more effective had you done it before you came!!"
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Your mum's vagina and a horse have two things in common...
They're fun to ride and everyone at tesco has had a taste....
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In reply to Post #1593
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In reply to Post #1589
You've missed a trick with the brown sauce.
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In reply to Post #1591
i was sitting on the edge of the bed last night pulling of my boxers when the wife commented "you spoil those dogs"..
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Liverpool accept £19m bid for Suarez from Borussia Munchoncentreback.
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In reply to Post #1589
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If my wife puts ketchup on the table it means no sex as she's on her period.
If she puts salad cream then she wants some cum in her tonight.
And if she puts mustard then she has an infection. Things have got so much easier since we started using sauce code.
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In reply to Post #1585
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In reply to Post #1585
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In reply to Post #1585
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A Airline pilot announces during flight that the plane is going to land in 2 hours. He forgets to put off the microphone& says to the co-pilot “I am going to have tea first & fcuk the air hostess for an hour. Listening to this, the hostess rushes towards cockpit to shut of the microphone but stumbles on a kids leg & falls down. The kid say “U really desperate for a fcuk, aint you? Didn't you hear he's gonna have tea first!!!
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fcuk him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.
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Good to see Suarez getting revenge for his fallen brothers and sisters in the horse-meat scandal!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I said I was looking for cheap flights. I LOVE YOU she said, then she got all excited and unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever--which is a odd because she's never shown any interest in Darts before,
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In reply to Post #1575
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In reply to Post #1578
Went down the local swimming pool the other day, thought I would have a cheeky slash in the deep end. Well, the lifeguard blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in
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Any chances of me giving my girlfriend scat sex tonight have just gone down the ****ter.
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In reply to Post #1575
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I was at the beach with my young son when a beautiful, buxom brunette in a bikini walked by.
"Wow- look at her!" he exclaimed
"It's not polite to point like that in public, son," I told him. "Next time use your finger."
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In reply to Post #1575
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I walked up to a dwarf in a bar last night and said, "Do you fancy a fu*k?"
"No thanks," she replied, "You're a weirdo."
"I'm the ****ing weirdo?" I said, "You're the one who has been staring at my boll*cks for the last 20 minutes."
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Why have they pixelated one of the mourners faces at Thatcher's funeral,is he SAS or undercover security?.........no,wait,its just Simon Weston.
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In reply to Post #1572
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The wife wanted sex so I lay on the bed, waiting.
Eventually she entered the bedroom,naked.
"Hi darling!" she said "I thought tonight we'd try something different."
"Different, how?" I asked.
"I'm thinking @nal" she said
"An@l!? That's disgusting and.... unhygienic!" I cried.
"Don't worry, I've washed thoroughly. I think it will be a pleasurable experience."
"Pleasurable for you maybe. But then it's always all about you isn't it? It's always sucking your n1pples then licking you to orgasm while you scream and moan."
"Well, tonight it will be @nal, then nipples, then cl1toris. Or we can get your mate, Dave, over again. He did anything I asked. He's an animal! And you like to watch, remember?"
"I thought I'd like to watch" I said "But turns out I don't. So, ok then"
"Good boy." she said as she lowered her backside to my face.
That'll teach me to drink and drive, I thought, as I readied my tongue. I fcuking hate being paralysed from the neck down
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In reply to Post #1569
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1569
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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.They pulled the sheet back to show her face."l can't be certain."l told him.The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts and hard nipples "Sorry,but im still not sure."Then they took the sheet completely off and i had a good look at the body and shaved *****,"That's definitely not her,Officer""Are you sure?""Yep.My girlfriends not black.
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In reply to Post #1566
A top British scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bouncing up and down and prevents nipples from sticking out in cold weather,his colleagues have kicked his +++++++ head in!
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Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.
Coincidence?
I think not.
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In reply to Post #1552
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In reply to Post #1564
#1556
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In reply to Post #1563
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, f**k off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
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In reply to Post #1561
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1560
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I've just been watching Margaret Thatcher's funeral and I've gone through an entire box of tissues.
Her granddaughter is something else.
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Stuart Hall is to commentate on his new TV show.
'It's a cock out' hits the screens this Autumn.
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In reply to Post #1
[From the old thread] Our sex life was waning, so I said to the wife we should try a little role-playing to spice things up a bit. I said, "Would you like to play a rape game?" She said "No way!" I said, "That's the spirit!"
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In reply to Post #1555
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In reply to Post #1556
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fcuk off."
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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3 man we're up on a cliff the first man looked at the third man and said I am going to drink this beer and throw it over my back then jump off the cliff and float back up the second man said I would love to see that so the first man drunk the beer threw it over his back and jumped off the cliff he started to fall and fall then he started to float backup the second man said to the third man I'm going to try that so he drunk his beer threw it over his back jump off the cliff and he fell and fail and hit the ground splat dead The Third Man looked at the first man and said Superman your a d1ck when you're drunk
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The couple were making out on the sofa,and he says,"How bout it Sal,it's only a week until we get married,let's do it now."
"Oh,no Stan,"she replies."We promised we wouldn't.Can't you wait another seven days?"
Stan looks at her sadly."Ok Sal,but how about if you just give me a hint of what's to come.Go on Sal,unbutton your shirt and let me have a feel of your beautiful boobs."
"Well,ok."replied Sal and she undid her shirt.
"Oooh Sal,that's wonderful.Will you just do one more thing for me?Will you let me have a sniff of your pussy?"
So Sal relented,dropped her knickers and let Stan have a sniff.
"HOLY FCUK,Sal!!" he says,lifting his head and taking a deep breath,"Are you sure that thing will last another seven days?
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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For my 40th birthday my wife asks me "Whats your biggest fantasy sweetheart? And i'll make it happen"
I think long and hard and reply "A threesome with two sexy women"
Later that week she calls me and says theres a surprise at home on my bed and that todays the day my fantasy comes true. I finish early and race home and there is my wife and a beautiful brunette both naked on the bed.
I get excited and smile, I rush to the cupboard and open it "Not here", I scramble over to the bed and look underneath "Not here" and then scuttle over to the en-suite "Dammit, not here either".
"What are you looking for sweetie?" My wife asks.
"The other sexy woman
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While in bed, the wife and I like to play a childish game; here is how it works:
We make love like any normal husband and wife would. After five minutes of passionate sex, my neighbour pops round and joins in the fun. A couple of minutes later my best mate walks through the door and joins, as does my other mate. This goes on until my wife suddenly snaps. She jumps up and down throwing everyone and everything everywhere causing havoc within the bedroom. The person who joined the game last before the wife got fed up loses.
I like to call it Fcukaroo
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Well, I'm certainly not a fan of Thatcher's, but I have to say that all the celebrations and parties don't feel like the appropriate response to the announcement of her death.
That's why I'm organising a little candlelight vigil with some friends.
Around her corpse.
Stake and mallet in hand.
Just to be on the safe side. The parties can wait.
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"Kids are just like sh1ts" I said to a mate.
"Why, because you can only stand your own?" he said.
"No" I replied, "Ever since my wife had one in front of me I don't want to go anywhere near her!"
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I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard...
I came in cider.
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In reply to Post #1547
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door.
I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracey's husband's expense on the way out.
The next day I was telling this quite incredible tale to mates down at the pub, when the ****s all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.
My oldest friend pulled me to one side and said, "Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."
I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "
He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.
"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big t1ts."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big t1ts."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's t1ts are that big
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In reply to Post #1544
well in
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It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death!
Bloody corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!
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In reply to Post #1542
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So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place.
He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.
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In reply to Post #1534
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In reply to Post #1538
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In reply to Post #1534
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent
Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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School Register being read on the first day back at Birmingham Primary... Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here, miss."Ahmed El Kabul? "Here, miss"Fatima Al Hayek? "Here miss"Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here, miss"Mohammed Bin Kadir? "Here, miss"Ali Son al En? no answer..Ali Son al En?? Still silence in the class. Ali Son al En? A girl stands up and says: "Sorry miss, I think that's me... It's pronounced Alison Allen..!
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In reply to Post #1532
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I was working in the local taxi office last night when I told my boss, "I've just heard one of the drivers sh@gging a woman in the back of his cab. He must have left the radio on by mistake."
"What's the frequency?" he asked.
"I think he's fcuked her three times.
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The gossip mags are reporting Rihanna has broken up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.
A source close to the couple says Rihanna knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
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In reply to Post #1528
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A man in his 50's buys a beautiful pair of shoes on his way home from work. When he gets home he asks his wife if she notices anything different about him. She says no. At bed time he gets completely naked except for his new shoes and again asks his wife if she notices anything different about him. She says well let's see you've got the same old useless cock hanging limp as usual.
He says look at where it's "pointing". I bought new shoes!
His wife then says "you should have bought a new hat!
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In reply to Post #1528
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The wife and I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
“For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel!
You already know how to fish!”
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In reply to Post #1528
Brilliant!
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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.
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In reply to Post #1521
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In reply to Post #1525
Best witch joke i seen thanks to Paul.....
Maggie Thatcher has only been in hell 20 minutes and she has already shut down 3 furnaces
and 1521 also had me in stiches
Paul I am pm you my photo album
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In reply to Post #1519
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In reply to Post #1523
my missus told me that my obsession with only fools and horses had ruined our marriage
she said , i want you out of this house now.
i said ok , ill fetch the suitcase from the van
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In reply to Post #1521
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In reply to Post #1519
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Millwall will mark the passing of Mrs Thatcher on Saturday with a minutes violence!  
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In reply to Post #1519
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Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatchers funeral. But 'Wake up Maggie" may not be everyones favourite...
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In reply to Post #1513
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In reply to Post #1513
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In reply to Post #1515
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The Sun reports that Arshavin costs Arsenal £7,800 a minute.
Bloody London prices, I can get a whole back, sack and crack for 30 quid.
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In reply to Post #1509
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"Dad, is it true you suck cock and take it up the arse?" "Who on earth has told you that son?" "Elton. My other dad."
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In reply to Post #1509
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In reply to Post #1509
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In reply to Post #1509
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.
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In reply to Post #1506
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In reply to Post #1499
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I was gutted to hear about the death of margaret thatcher....i had Nelson mandela in the sweepstake!
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When i realized margaret thatcher was dead,i did a double fist pump and shouted,f...... brilliant"
Everyone around me was disgusted,and looking back,i suppose it was out of order.especially as i was the first paramedic at the scene.
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Just seen the plans for Thatchers grave.It looks good but i think they should have made the dance floor a bit bigger.
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In reply to Post #1502
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https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=497402913640240&set=vb.449509825096216&type=2&theater
Proper funny! This guy goes absolutley mental over not being able to play guitar!
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Is it too early to say Margaret Thatcher ...... me when i was a miner?
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In reply to Post #1499
I was out last night when an ugly ****ing bird approached me. We got into into a conversation and she asked me if I had a nickname and I replied "Yes my friends call me the sledge". She said "The sledge, why do they call you that ?" "Because I always get pulled by ****ing dogs" I replied.
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I confronted my daughter after she strolled in at 3am this morning.
"You've been to a bukkake party, haven't you!" I said.
"No, I haven't dad, I promise!" she replied contritely.
"Oh come on," I said, "It's all over your face."
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A man goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesnt eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. Good God, Dear,he proclaims, i have just had the worst day of my entire life
She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.
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In reply to Post #1495
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In reply to Post #1495
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Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night
and played footsie under the table while we were
eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the
hole.
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In reply to Post #1485
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Paulo Di Canio has vowed "Sunderland will conquer Europe..........Starting with Poland.
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I was in the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty woman talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish,so i approached and asked,"hello,are you three lassies from scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched,"Its Wales,Wales you bloody idiot!"
So i apologized and replied,"I am so sorry.Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And thats the last thing i remember.
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In reply to Post #1485
1484
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Pain is the part of the tattoo process that makes you appreciate them more. I love mine, even though it tore off some ball hair when I peeled off the paper.
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In reply to Post #1485
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Should be an easy game for Chelsea on Sunday.
DiCanio is fielding a team entirely of right wingers.
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In reply to Post #1485
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In reply to Post #1484
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Essex girl in car crash says "i think i have concussion" paramedic asks "how many fingers have i got up?" the girl replies "oh god, my f@nny's paralysed too!
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The new guy in prison is approached by a huge bodybuilder type in the shower on his first night.
He says to him, "as you're new here, you get the choice". "Do you want sex with, or without spit?"
The guy is thinking, with spit won't hurt as much, so he says, "w- w -with spit".
The big guy shouts over, "Hey Spit, the new guy wants a threesome."
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My wife hates it when I say,"You're just like your mother!"
Actually,she hates it when I say anything during sex.
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Don't worry about the rising tensions in North Korea,we've sent the B52's over.
They'll soon surrender once they've had to listen to Love Shack a few times
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Glory holes in public toilets give me the willies.
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WARNING ABOUT EBAY
Be careful what you buy on ebay - if you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent £95, plus tax and shipping, on a penis enlarger.
They sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
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In reply to Post #1478
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A bloke runs into a pub, grinning and says to the landlord, "The beers are on me - my wife just ran off with my best friend!"
The landlord smiled and said, "Well, that's a shame. Why aren't you sad?"
"Sad?" the bloke replies, "They've saved me a fortune. They were both pregnant!"
Q. What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
A. The Pitbull gets to finish
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In reply to Post #1476
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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One day little Johnny was at the farm with his uncle..
Little Johnny asked his uncle, 'hey uncle, whats the difference between potentially and realistically?'
Little johnnys uncle then said, 'go in and ask your auntie Mavis if she'll have sex with the mail man for a million bucks'
Little Johnny went and asked his auntie the same question..
His auntie Mavis then said, 'well with the way things are going at the moment i would!'
Little Johnny went back and told his uncle what she had said....
His uncle then turned around and said, 'okay then, go and ask your in uncle sherell if she'll do the same thing'
Little Johnny went and asked his cousin sherell if she'd have sex with the mail man for a million bucks!'
His cousin sherell said, 'well durr, what kind of a question is that!'
Little Johnny went and told his uncle what she had said..
His uncle then turns around and says, 'well, there ya go, potentially we're sitting on 2 million bucks! But realistically im just living with a couple of whores
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In reply to Post #1474
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There were 3 sisters living together 92, 94 and 95 yrs. old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"
The 94 yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"
The 92 yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"
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In reply to Post #1462
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Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.
A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.
After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.
The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.
The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fcuking ears!
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
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Is there no end to Rolf Harris's musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he's also an expert fiddler.
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In reply to Post #1464
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In reply to Post #1464
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger.
As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating."
I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out.
Knocking some poor c.... off his motorbike.
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I went up to a fit girl at a swingers party and asked if she wanted some fun.
"You're new to this aren't you" she smiled.
"What makes you think that?" I said.
"Because you're dressed as a gorilla.
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A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor.
When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.
"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"
"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."
"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"
From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's fcuk all I just came here to fix the telephone!"
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A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.
The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.
Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first hard on I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep.
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My mate asked what a dilemma was?
So i said,"imagine you're naked and in a big bed.
A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
"Who you gonna turn your back on?"
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I've just broken the world record for holding my breath under water.An incredible 8 Minutes,42 Seconds!
It all started when a girl at the swimming pool shouted "That,s him over there Daddy".
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In reply to Post #1456
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In reply to Post #1459
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Two businessmen in the centre of Lymington
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Must be doing well... Only the two of you left."
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Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!!!
Sad news I'm afraid, a man has recently died at a chocolate factory after a pile of boxes fell on to him.
He tried in vain to save himself, and when he called for help and shouted" the Milky Bars are on me"................. Everyone just cheered
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In reply to Post #1456
carol vorderman recently fell down the stairs i believe-word has it she hit 2 from the top and 3 from the bottom
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I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life guard noticed and blew his whistle so ****ing loud I nearly fell in...
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In reply to Post #1454
more like a couple of bucks
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In reply to Post #1453
Need some advice, just been offered 8 legs of venison for £20...is that two deer?
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In reply to Post #1451
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In reply to Post #1451
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In reply to Post #1450
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... She's 21 and her name's Lucy
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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In reply to Post #1435
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In reply to Post #1447
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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So in the space of a few days, we've gone from Rio not wanting to play in the England team, to the England team not wanting to play in Rio...
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Gary Neville's father has being arrested on suspicion of indecent assault.
Van Persie could have been killed,' said a furious Alex Ferguson.
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I got fired on my first day as a Masseuse today.Apparently "Finishing off on my face" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
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In reply to Post #1442
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Neville Neville father of Gary and Phil Neville has been charged with sexual assault,if found guilty he runs the risk of getting himself a bad name!
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I got talking to a freaky tattooed chick in a nightclub. As she leaned in and stroked my leg she whispered into my ear, "Tell me, have you ever had a bird sh1t all over your chest?"
"Only once," I replied, "and that was my own fault really for falling asleep under a tree."
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In reply to Post #1433
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In reply to Post #1438
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fcuk is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!
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In reply to Post #1436
I saw an advert in a shop window this morning. It said "Flatscreen TV. Stuck on full volume. £1." I thought "Well I can't turn that down."
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A lesbian regained consciousness in hospital. She saw a doctor, a nurse and a young man by her bed.
"You're lucky to be alive," said the doctor. "Your car crashed in a blizzard, and this young man found you unconscious. He rang for an ambulance, but it couldn't get through the snow. So he carried you all the way here in the cold, and we found you needed a blood transfusion. Fortunately, his blood group is the same as yours, so he gave some of his. Then he phoned a garage and got your car picked up, and now it's fixed. So you'll be okay, and this nurse has driven your car here, so that's ready."
The lesbian said, "Thank you EVER so much." She reached up and hugged the nurse, then snarled at the young man, "Too much trouble for you to go and fetch my car, was it?"
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My kinky girlfriend went to the gynaecologist earlier. After a short examination, he said:
"Your discomfort shows all the signs of 'updair'."
"What's updair?" she asked.
He said, "three love eggs and a 9 inch dildo."
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A prostitute requires some dental treatment, so she books an appointment at her local dentist.
After his initial inspection he fills her rotten cavities. Then pays her before she leaves.
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Pussy is not like weed. If you can smell it from across the room, then it isn't the good sh!t
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In reply to Post #1427
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In reply to Post #1427
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In reply to Post #1429
A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a chesse and ham tostie and a pint of beer. Despite being amazed about a talking rabbit, the bar man gives him the tostie and the beer. The rabbit eats the toastie, drinks the beer then leaves.
The rabbit comes back the next night when the pub is busier as word has got round of a talking rabbit. He rabbit gets his toastie and beer, consumes them both, then leaves.
The next night the pub is packed, but in goes the rabbit and asks the bar man for his toastie and beer. The bar man however says to the rabbit, 'I'm sorry we're all out of cheese and ham toasties but we do have cheese and onion toasties, I'm sure you'll like them!'
The rabbit hesitently eats the toastie and drinks the beer then leaves.
After that night the rabbit never returns. The pub becomes run down and on the brink of closing. The bar is empty and the bar man is cleaning when all of a sudden he sees a white figure, it is the rabbit. The bar man says to him, 'what happened you never came back.'
'I DIED!' said the rabbit
'How?' Asks the bar man
'Mixing me toasties!'
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In reply to Post #1428
2 men walk into a building.... you would have thought one of them would see it
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In reply to Post #1427
belter
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While taking a break from recording the new series of The Voice, Will popped round to our house for a cup of tea.
Now I don't know if it was his aftershave, but my rottweiler started to get really frisky with him. He pinned down, and was humping away. I tried dragging him away, but he wouldn't let him go till he'd finished.
Needless to say, I Am's now contains 30% more animal protein.
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over
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Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.
Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone
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It can't be easy having a close relative who is severely mentally retarded.
But Harvey Price seems to cope quite well.
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In reply to Post #1422
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.
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In reply to Post #1415
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In reply to Post #1415
that,s funny sik
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In reply to Post #1415
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The Dr put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night, its awesome!!! It doesn't matter what position we are in, nothing wakes her
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I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on.
"Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said.
"But Dad, I'm 18," he protested.
"I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me w@nk
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As we watched 'Jurassic Cock', my wife commented, "I wish you were hung like Ron Jeremy."
I replied, "Seeing as I'm stuck fukcing you for the rest of my life, I wish I was hung like Michael Hutchence."
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In reply to Post #1412
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This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT fcuking sh1t again
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In reply to Post #1407
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In reply to Post #1407
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In reply to Post #1408
4 goodens their sik
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A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fcuking talking aren't you?
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My wife said she wanted bigger t1ts. I said "get some toilet paper and rub it in between ya t1ts every morning". She said "Dont be daft, how's that gonna work?" I said "Well you have been doing the same to ya @rse all y life and look at the size of that!
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For a week, me and my mate decided to speak and act like we do on social networks.
We would say things like, "Steve likes this" or "Hashtag amazing".
It was all fun until he caught me outside his sister's room furiously masturbating.
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Told the wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty
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In reply to Post #1400
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In reply to Post #1400
That is very, very funny
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Paddy goes to the florist and says,id like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "certainly,what are you after?"Paddy says,"A tit w..k and maybe one up the arse
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For me,sex is like spreading butter on toast.Its possible with a credit card ,but much easier with a knife
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I called the R.S.P.C.A today and said,"ive just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs,"
"That's terrible,"she replied."Are they moving?" "I'm not sure,to be honest,"i said,"But that would explain the suitcase."
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In reply to Post #1398
I was on the ghost train at my local funfair last night.
Should of heard the kids screaming for all they were worth.
Anyone would think they'd never seen a cock before.........
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A priest was caught masturbating by his altar boy.He said,"what are you doing father?" "Its called .......,he replied,"you'll be doing this soon." "Why,father?"he asked.Because my arms f..king killing me.
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I stayed in a Premier Inn last night with the family. I went to reception and said “I hope the pornography on the TV is disabled”. The receptionist shouted at me, “you sick *******, it’s normal porn”
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In reply to Post #1394
1)Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
2)The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
3)I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.....
4)My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
5)I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
6)After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on!
7)I woke up this morning at 8am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I re member ed McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
8)Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
9)The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you honey. All the others kept me awake all night!"
10)My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
11) A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
12) A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
13)I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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In reply to Post #1393
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In reply to Post #1392
Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi
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My girlfriend wanted me to give her a messy facial.
So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
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I bought some kangaroo condoms today.
They're for the gland down under.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1384
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My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.
"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."
"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
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In reply to Post #1386
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence "Your card! Show him your fcukin card!
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A blonde woman is invited for dinner at her cousins house and as they only live a few blocks apart the blonde lady has walked there. As the blonde is getting ready to leave it starts pouring with rain. The cousin has had a few too many drinks at dinner so says to her blonde cousin "why not just sleep the night here and you can head home tomorrow when it's stopped raining or I can run you home as I'll be sober then"
The blonde agrees so her cousin goes to get some blankets. When she comes back with the blankets she can't find the blonde anywhere. Half an hour later there's a knock at the door. It's the blonde, completely drenched. The cousin says "What are you doing ? Where have you been in the rain I thought you were going to sleep over?" "Yes I am " says the blonde "but I had to go home to get my pyjamas
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In reply to Post #1384
kin funny tho
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You think the new Tower Zingy Burger from KFC is spicy?
Try going down on your lass after she has been dancing.
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In reply to Post #1382
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In reply to Post #1376
Haha!!!!!
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In reply to Post #1379
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In reply to Post #1379
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to make his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father about it.
“So, did you jump?” the father asked.
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”
“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.
“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”
“Did you jump then?” asked the father.
“I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’”
“I said, ‘No, sir. I'm too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this baby up your @ss!’”
“So… did you jump?” asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first.
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In reply to Post #1376
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask
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I flopped my cock out in front of my doctor this morning and said, "What do you reckon?"
She had a good look and said, "It's fine."
"Cool," I said, putting it back into my pants, "I'm here to give up smoking."
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In reply to Post #1374
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The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
“Mary, what does your parents do?”
Little Mary replied, “My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.”
“That’s very nice,” said the teacher. “Robert, what do your parents do?”
Robert proudly exclaimed, “My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!”
“That’s very nice,” said the teacher, “Johnny, what do your parents do?”
He stood up and pronounced, “My dad’s dead and my mom’s a hooker.”
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
“Did you tell the principal what you said in class?” asked the teacher.
Johnny replied, “Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number
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In reply to Post #1372
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My wife said, "Where've you put my anal beads?"
At first I wouldn't tell her the truth, but in the end, she dragged it out of me.
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Is 'Pussylips' one word, or should I spread them apart?
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You may like my collection of natural salt water and jizz.
Cum and sea.
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My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
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In reply to Post #1362
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In reply to Post #1365
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I hear Blue Peter are looking for a Transsexual presenter.
Here's one I made girlier
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A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.”
She says, “This isn’t a real bank; it’s a sperm bank.”
He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?
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Seagulls really are the Chavs of the sky.
They skwawk at you aggressively while you're minding your own business, mess up your car when you leave it parked, breed recklessly and scavenge wherever they go, and still you can get into a lot of trouble if you shoot them.
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In reply to Post #1362
Haha
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Sexually confused? I should say so. I don't know if I'm gay, straight or bi.
The only thing that turns me on is the thought of bumming a lesbian.
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My wife said she wanted to have sex on the golf course where I spend most of my Saturdays.
We arrived at the first green at about 2am, where after doing a sexy striptease, she lay naked on the grass and said, " Any hole's a goal."
" Oh my God! " I shouted. " Do you know anything about golf ?"
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In reply to Post #1352
class
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In reply to Post #1358
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After much pressure from my mum, I finally agreed to take my alzheimers riddled grandad out to the pub for the afternoon.
I couldn't believe what a good time I had, and wish we'd done it sooner.
It was always his round.
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In reply to Post #1356
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'Large crack' opens on Dorset coastline.
A spokesman for Weymouth council says there is nothing to worry about, Jordan's holiday ends on Sunday.
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In reply to Post #1352
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I was watching a documentary about Alzheimer's last night,when my wife turned to me and said,
"What a horrible condition,if i ever get Alzheimer's,i think i'll shoot myself," "I know"i replied,"you said that 5 minutes ago."
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In reply to Post #1352
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I put on a porn film, earlier.
It was really dark, and I could just make out a fat guy with his cock in his hand.
I then realzed, I'd forgotten to turn the TV on.
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In reply to Post #1350
She certainly does
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In reply to Post #1349
Caught the Wife Masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson Movie earlier. She loves a good Bean Flick
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In reply to Post #1348
My pornstar friend died recently, so at his cremation, out of a mark of respect, we scattered his ashes all over his wife's face !!!
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In reply to Post #1342
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In reply to Post #1339
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I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise."
"Sure," she replied,
I said, "Great, get your knickers off then."
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In reply to Post #1342
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In reply to Post #1339
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In reply to Post #1342
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Went down on my girlfriend this morning even though she was on her period.
Just getting into the spirit of Red Nose Day.
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In reply to Post #1339
...........
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In reply to Post #1339
nice one
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike
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In reply to Post #1337
A knob has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an *******, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' mean?
Dad: the dictionary says It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
little Tommy comes home from school and is sitting eating his tea.
"mum what are bitches and pussy?"
his mothers annoyed but thinks for a second and then points to the dog "thats a bitch, its a female dog" she then points at the cat "and thats a pussy"
little tommy finishes his tea and goes to find his dad. "Dad what are bitches and pussy?" his dad thinks for a second, looks in a drawer and takes out a porn mag and draws a circle around a womans crotch.
"whats this dad?"
"thats your answer son, everything inside the circle is the pussy and everything outside the circle is the bitch"
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In reply to Post #1327
quality
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In reply to Post #1334
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In reply to Post #1334
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In reply to Post #1333
WOMAN'S DIARY
5 March 2013 Tuesday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep -
I think he's planning to leave me -
maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Tuesday 5 March
Man U lost.
Gutted.
Got a shag though
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In reply to Post #1327
Get in lad
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In reply to Post #1331
My computer beat me at chess. But it’s no match for me at kick-boxing.
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In reply to Post #1327
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In reply to Post #1324
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In reply to Post #1327
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In reply to Post #1327
love it
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Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I like breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked, was a nice shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome in KFC anymore.
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In reply to Post #1324
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1324
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A welsh farmer was f--king his prize ewe when his sheepdog came over and started licking his ---hole.
Although it helped him come quicker,he couldn't help but think-dogs are dirty b.....ds!.
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"Don't forget it's Steak and Blowjob Day today!" I said to the wife before I left work.
"That's not fair," she moaned. "What do I get out of all this? "....
"A trip to the butchers and a protein shake!"
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One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Pretty Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
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One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Pretty Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
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In reply to Post #1317
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In reply to Post #1317
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In reply to Post #1317
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White smoke from the Vatican, That can only meen one thing;
They've finally finished burning all the laptops and hard drives.
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One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise. The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have @nal sex. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your d1ck tastes like sh1t. He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either
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How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
When she flips you over, holds you down and fukcs you ..up the arse with her clitoris.
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Brown smoke is coming from my arse.
The new Plop has arrived.
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In reply to Post #1312
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little Timmy hears his parents arguing... Mom: You b@stard! Your d1ck is too small! Dad: Oh yeah bitch? Well your c*nt is too hairy! *Never hearing these words before he asks them what they mean. Mom: Oh, well, sometimes adults call each other bitches and b@stards... and d1ck and c*nt is what we nicknamed our coats... *Satisfied with these answers he leaves. The next day was Thanksgiving. *He goes upstairs and his dad cuts himself while shaving Dad:Sh1t! Timmy: Daddy what does sh1it mean? Dad: uh... It's the brand of shaving creme I'm using... go downstairs. *Goes downstairs and his mom burns herself from the turkey Mom:Fcuk! Timmy:Mommy what does fcuk mean? Mom:um... It's the kind of stuffing I'm using *The guests arrive and determined to put his new vocabulary to use, he says... Timmy: Okay all you bitches and b@stards, you can hang your d1cks and c*nts in the closet. My dad is putting sh1t on his face and my mom is fcuking the turkey
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In reply to Post #1308
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In reply to Post #1309
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Amsterdam's oldest prostitutes have retired after more than 50 years each in the sex trade, twins Louise and Martine Fokkens have slept with over 355,000 men between them.
A spokesman said the City of Amsterdam will erect something in their honour.
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There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a fcukin bull in Montana.
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In reply to Post #1305
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In reply to Post #1304
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room..
Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : You fcuking a@@hole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening
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A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.
A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"
He replies, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied
The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing
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In reply to Post #1302
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “sh1t” meant.
Thinking fast she replied “food on the table.”
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says “It’s a priest.”
Next day he comes home a asks what does “fcukin” mean. She says it means “getting dressed.”
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells “got it”. He opens the door and says “Hey son of a bitch, sh1ts on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fcukin
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Paddy and murphy in tesco's and paddy says the cheeky barstards are putting zebra meat in burger ingredients now.
Murphy says thats the bar code you tw@t.
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Ive ust bought myself a pair of Meatloaf underwear.
On the front it says "i will do anything for love"
On the back it says "but i wont do that".
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My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.
He committed suicide last night.
I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.
"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed.
"He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.
"Why not?" She sniffed.
"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.
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Teacher asks William to spell pope.
William says there's no pope.
Teacher says just spell pope.
So William says p.o.f.p.e.
Teacher says there's no f in pope.
William says i f..k..g told you that.
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Just got back from a gamblers Anonymous meeting.
They put me next to a fruit machine addict it was
f..k..g horrible the c... was nudging me all night.
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Cardinal O'Brien said goodbye at mass for the last time yesterday
After the emotional ceremony all the alter boys said "they were touched".
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I've never lasted long enough to see the end of a porno but apparently it's where the woman unzips the guys trousers and gets his .... out.
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In reply to Post #1293
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Football News: Reading Manager - Brian McDermott, has been fired by the club.
Entertainment News: Brian McDermott returns to presenting Masterchef.
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According to a recent survey in Cosmopolitan, an astonishing ninety percent of women have secretly fantasised about being raped.
Unfortunately, I only ever get the other ten percent.
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a bloke goes downstairs and says to his missus
"quick , go upstairs and have a look at the size of that jobbie i just done up there"
she says no , thats discusting
he says , go on , please , its a good 2 pounder
in she went , holding her nose , looked in the pan and said , theres nothoing in there.
he said no , not in there , its on the scales
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In reply to Post #1288
3 goodens their sik
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I arrived home early from work last night and spotted an unfamiliar car parked in my driveway.
I walked through the door and heard moaning from upstairs.
I quietly walked up the stairs and the moaning got louder. I opened my bedroom door and there I saw my wife, fukcing another man.
"What the fukc is going on here?" I shouted
"What was going through your fukcing head when you decided to fukc that disgusting piece of sh1t?!"
"I'm sorry, baby! I can explain!" My wife cried
"Quiet you!" I snapped "I'll get to you in a minute"
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you fcuk of I'm trying to take a dump!
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Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
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little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day
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"Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure are fine." said the doctor to the female patient.
"Now let me see that little thing which gets you Ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The woman swings into action, removes her knickers and spreads her legs.
"No, No,Put your clothes back on," said the doctor"Just show me your fukcing tongue!"
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I got home at 3 am,steaming drunk,and half a kebab down my shirt.my wife had a fit.
i thought i'll sort her out in the morning, I'm not going to let her epilepsy ruin my night".
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I was in the pub with my mate last night when he walked off to the toilet leaving his phone on the table.As i was just about to up date his face book status,it started ringing and i could see it was my wife's number,"Hello"i said,answering it."Hey sexy"she purred,"i'm currently masturbating on the bed and i want you to come here and .f--k me." "you silly bitch,"i said,"Why didn't you just ring my phone?"
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My mate Dave asked me what I had bought for Mothers Day.
"Stockings, silky underwear, lube, a few new sex toys to try out and have booked a room for the two of us at the Hilton."
"Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate mate?" He replied.
"Oh no its not for my Mum mate, it's all for yours."
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A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.
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In reply to Post #1278
thats very good!
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My wife said to me, "Ian,
make me feel like I'm 15 again".
So I ate a pack of Scampi Fries and made her sniff my fingers.
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In reply to Post #1277
A Catholic walks into a Mosque - the Imam asks "Why the wrong faith?"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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a horse walks into a bar,the bartender asks why the long face,the horse incapable of understanding the human language promply sh1ts on the floor and leaves..
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My wife wants me to have a chat with our son because she caught him watching gay porn.
He said, "Dad, it said it was football, I didn't know."
"That's ok, son," I smiled. "Tell me this, what do you hate the most?"
He replied, "Cricket, why?"
"No reason," I said, changing my porn file name to 'Fastest Spin Bowlers'.
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Two Women were chatting in office..
Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??
Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??
Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??
Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??
Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the fcuking house
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In reply to Post #1272
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.
Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead
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Buying a Lasagne in Britain is a lot like trying to pick out a prostitute in Thailand.
You know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.
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In reply to Post #1265
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"I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked.
"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
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I'd do anything for a friend. I once sucked the snake venom out my mate's system and saved his life.
It was a bit weird that the snake bit him directly on the end of his penis.
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In reply to Post #1265
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In reply to Post #1265
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I can remember being told about the 'birds and the bees' when I was about 12.
"Son, there's many things girls like, some like sucking cock, gagging on cock, some like a couple of fingers in their arse, some will even enjoy licking your @rsehole,but always remember contraception.
A good way is to spunk on their tits, or even better in my opinion, get them to swallow the whole load of your salty cum. Have you any questions?"
"Just the one really," I replied,"Isn't it dads job to give me this talking to mum?"
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Every time I shag a girl they do an impression of Dr. Evil.
Either that or they just like holding up their baby finger and laughing.
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In reply to Post #1262
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “Fcuk, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked with a hard on
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In reply to Post #1257
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In reply to Post #1248
awesome mate
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In reply to Post #1257
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So Sir Alex Ferguson's decision to rest him has backfired...
Don't worry, Howard Webb will be back in the starting line-up on Sunday.
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I don't know about anyone else, but I quite enjoyed Nani's tribute to Eric Cantona
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In reply to Post #1253
its hurts but
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No more Champions League football for United this season.They can enjoy the rest.
Nani will be glad of the chance of putting his feet up.
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The last time I saw a decision that bad involving a Nani, Tyrone had just asked Kevin Webster to watch Ruby.
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In reply to Post #1248
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In reply to Post #1246
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I dragged a chubby bird home with me from the pub last night.
She went straight into the bedroom, got undressed and lay spreadeagled on the bed.
She said, "You know what I want, don't you?"
I said, "Yeah, the whole fukcing bed to yourself by the looks of things".
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A little boy and his dad are in a queue at the supermarket checkout and in front of them is a really huge women.
The little boy looks her over,then says very loudly to his dad,"She's really huge and fat,isn't she daddy?"
The father is embarrassed and tries to get his son to quieten down.
But the boy yells out,"she's the fattest woman I have ever seen,just look at the size of her arse,daddy!"
The father apologizes to the woman and says to his son, "we don't talk about people who are different to us,son,and we don't use foul language, don't do it again!" the little boy seems to get the message and stands there quietly for awhile,but then the woman's beeper goes off and the little boy shouts, "LOOK OUT, daddy,she's going to fukcing back over you!!"
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In reply to Post #1246
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Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"
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In reply to Post #1240
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In reply to Post #1240
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In reply to Post #1235
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In reply to Post #1241
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A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*
"Yes, I guess I did."
"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"
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Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
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A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows
her from, so he asks, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?" She replies, “No, I'm your son's math teacher
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A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!
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In reply to Post #1235
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"I want to try anal", I said to my wife.
"But i've been having sex with an @rsehole for years", she replied.
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I was sat on a bus coming home and a gorgeous bird next to me started breast feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!" About 10 minutes later, the baby's still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" So I said "Listen love, can you make your fukcing mind up, I should've got off 4 stops ago!"
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In reply to Post #1231
3 gooden their Martin
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Everybody seems to be on Katie Price's back at the moment.
I presume that's to stop falling into the large hole at the front.
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I'm not saying my wife is easy to please but when I put my hand in her knickers to finger her, it's like feeding a sugar lump to a horse.
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The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
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Lesbian seeks similar for relationship. Must like fish fingers and eating out.
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"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.
Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?
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In reply to Post #1227
a government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor!!!!!
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In reply to Post #1224
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So the popes ring will be destroyed later tonight.
Well they say what goes around comes around.
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Was enjoying a pizza with my girlfriend the other night when she suddenly announced she loved it up the arse. Good job i'd already eaten half of it....
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Walking down the street the other night, I witnessed 5 guys jump out of an alleyway and beat up a woman. Once they ran off, I ran over to the victim who was covered in blood and asked her what I should do
"Are you having a fukcing laugh" she screamed
"Sorry" I said "It's just, I've never witnessed anything like this before and I have no idea what to do"
Anyway, the next day I discovered that the poor woman had died of her injuries and I was kicked out of the police force!
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In reply to Post #1221
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In a lesbian relationship, who makes the sandwiches?
Neither, they both eat out.
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Just finished a book called "Dying For A Piss".
It's about how Valentine's Day gets celebrated in the Pistorius house.
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In reply to Post #1218
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In reply to Post #1218
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I was fingering a fat bird when she said "use 4 fingers, that is why they call me Kit Kat".
So I replied "I thought it was because you're Chunky"
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In reply to Post #1212
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What's blue and kills women?...
A pregnancy testing kit at Oscar Pistorius' house.
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In reply to Post #1201
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In reply to Post #1212
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In reply to Post #1212
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"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend."On my tits" she whispered, "do it on my tits""Really? You sure?""Yes! Quickly!! For me""Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific!
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In reply to Post #1207
Good un
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b@stard! You've been playing golf!
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In reply to Post #1206
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In reply to Post #1207
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said Santa.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit" The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my d1ck I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b@stard!!"
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After a date with a homeless girl, I took her back to mine and said "would you like to spend the night here?"
"I would love to" she said.
"Great," I replied, "well just make yourself feel at home."
She gave me a look of disgust and slept in the garden.
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In reply to Post #1203
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a boy walked in on his mam and dad having sex, his dad said were making you a brother/sister,the boy replies,do her doggy style id rather have a puppy
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I was sitting down on the floor having a dump the other day as usual. When someone walked in and told me what a toilet is for I almost fell off my stool.
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*For Sale*
30 pairs of Katie Price's knickers.
All still in original packaging.
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What's got one leg and ruins other people's lives?
Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills.
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In reply to Post #1198
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I read a while back that the plastic used to make ping-pong balls is highly toxic, so I've been painting them brown and feeding them to my wife, disguised as meatballs in order to kill her.
I hope it works.
If not, I'll have a hell of a time trying to drown the bitch.
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"I fcuked the wife up the arse last night, pulled out, then she took my load straight in her mouth, beat that!" said Dave.
"Well I only shagged my missus once in a Blue Moon!" I replied.
"And what so impressive about that?" he snorted.
"We never were allowed in that pub again."
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Please give to comic relief.just £5 can help teach an African how to tell the difference between an intruder and their f--king girlfriend.
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An old Italian guy goes into the confession box "father,during the war i rescued a beautiful Jewish girl from the Nazis and hide her in my attic.
To show her gratitude she used to shag me every night and give me 2 blow jobs on a Sunday."
"My son"said the priest,"it was a very difficult time in our lives and you shouldn't feel so guilty"
"I know"said the old guy,"but should l tell her the war is over".
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In reply to Post #1191
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Jordan is undecided on how to give birth to her latest baby.
My bets on the baby bungee jumping.
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Edward Scissorhands.
The man you want to finger your ex.
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In reply to Post #1186
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In reply to Post #1182
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In reply to Post #1182
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arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005
the crazy frog was number one
eight years on , he's still there
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"
So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," . "This is a job for Mama!
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In reply to Post #1184
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's t1ts, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to sh@g his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fcuking pots!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little b@stard was going to bark
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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So I was in a Pub in Essex when in walks this group of girls. I go straight up to one of them and say "If I buy you a drink will you come into the toilets with me?"
"Yeah alright" she replies.... So I buy her a bottle of WKD and lead her into the toilets. I push her into a cubicle and I get my hands straight up her skirt and into her knickers.
That's when she says "Oi!!! T1ts first, I ain't a sl@g
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In reply to Post #1178
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"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.
"Eggs," says Little Susie.
"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"
"Wool," says Little Susie.
"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"
"Fcuking homework," says Little Johnny.
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Katie Price is at the clinic having her new pregnancy checked out.
"And if we scan here, we can see the babys head!" beams the nurse
"Thats great!" says Price
All of a sudden the nurse looks concerned.
"Whats up?" says Price
"It appears theres something else in your womb, something much larger in the background!"
"Oh don't worry about that, thats Bob the Paparazzi photographer, he's doing some pictures for Hello! magazine."
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At a job interview.
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a **** what you think."
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In reply to Post #1172
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In reply to Post #1165
nearly wet myself laughing at that one
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your @rsehole before prison, ..."
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In reply to Post #1171
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A copper pulls up alongside a 13 year old girl spewing and spitting in coronation street, 'Have you been drinking young lady?' he askes her, to which she replied,
'Yes, i've just had a pint of webster's!'
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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is randy.
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In reply to Post #1169
There once was a man from Brighton,
who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."
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In reply to Post #1168
How do you make three pounds of fat look attractive?
Put a nipple on it.
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In reply to Post #1167
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."
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what do spurs have that oscar pistorius doesn't?
bale
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In reply to Post #1165
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In reply to Post #1164
Paddy set Mick up with a a date and says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know.
She's expecting a baby."Mick shrugs his shoulders and say's "OK. I'll give it a go."
The next day Paddy sees Mick and say's "How did it go last night then?"
Mick replies "Not too good.She was half an hour late and l felt a right ***** sat at the bar wearing a nappy and
a f--king bib....
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What do you call a man with no legs?
F--k all he might shoot you.
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my missus said to me " can you explain to me why i found a pair of womens knickers
in youre coat pocket ?
i said yes , its coz youre a ****ing nosey cow
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Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids.
He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to.
Dave called me today and said, "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant."
"That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009." I replied.
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I was visiting my daughter the other day when i asked if i could borrow a news paper,my "Know it all" daughter sarcastically laughed and said,"this is the 21st century,we don't waste money on news papers.Here you can borrow my laptop."
Well l can tell you now,that fly didn't know what the f--k hit it!.
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In reply to Post #1146
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In reply to Post #1158
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What movie do you get if you cross Oscar Pistorius and Mike Tyson?....
Shinless Lisp.
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I'm not saying my wife was a bit of a slag in her youth..
But when I first met her, she had a higher sperm count than me.
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In reply to Post #1155
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In reply to Post #1154
Oscar pestorius
It must have been dark in that house when he shot her as he said he couldnt see two feet in front of him!!
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In reply to Post #1124
Oscar pestorius
Giving a new meaning to taking your Mrs out on Valentines day!!
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Explanation for there being no male agony aunts!
Dear Bill, I am a 42 yr old mother. I left for work but after a mile or so, my car broke down. I had to walk home again, and on arriving home I found my 16 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform, sucking my husbands cock. I am devastated! Can you help?
Dear Susie, a common cause for this, is dirt in your carburettor. Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank. Hope this helps.
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Walking through town one day I came across a young boy with a box of newborn puppies at his feet. "Do you want to buy a puppy mister?" He asked "What sort of puppies are they?" I enquired "They're Christian puppies" he answered "That's nice" I answered "But no don't want one." The next day walking through town, this time with my wife, we saw the same boy, so I told my wife to ask him about his special puppies "What sort of puppies are those?" She asked "Atheist puppies" he answered "Wait a minute!" I said "Yesterday you said they were Christian puppies." "I know" he replied "But now their eyes have opened."
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In reply to Post #1139
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1139
two belters
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The bookies hot favorite to bag an Oscar this year?..... Pretoria State Prison
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In reply to Post #1147
Belter
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Donald Duck walked into a chemist & asked for a packet
of condoms.
"Certainly, Sir" said the lady behind the counter, "& shall I
put them on your bill"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am,
a D1ckhead
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try
artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the
table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor
started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but…" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.
"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then
he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows
it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the
little b.gger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his @rse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender
is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the bloke.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his @rse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says
the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!
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There's nothing less romantic than wiping cum off your girlfriend's belly after sex.
Except doing it before.
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In reply to Post #1136
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In reply to Post #1138
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"
"Oh, no... I never found her head."
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John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1131
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I remember my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy packet of condoms at. A pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a shop and ask for that kind of stuff.
It was a girl working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the sh1t out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
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In reply to Post #1133
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In reply to Post #1133
what have women and tornado's got in common.....
they are both wet and windy, when they leave they take half the house with them
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In reply to Post #1132
what have women and KFC got in common.....
well, when you have finished with the breast and thigh, you a have greasy bucket to stick you bone in.
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As I walked away from the urinal, and headed for the door, the bloke who was stood next to me shouted over his shoulder "When I was young, I was taught to wash my hands after having a piss"
"Well, when I was young, I was taught not to piss all over my hands" I replied.
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In reply to Post #1130
My Thai girlfriend keeps saying a small penis is not embarrassing and it shouldn't break us up.I don't know, I'd still rather she didn't have one.
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In reply to Post #1129
My car recently broke down,so i took it to Kevin Webster's garage.But he said he doesn't touch anything over 10 yrs old!
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In reply to Post #1126
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In reply to Post #1126
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In reply to Post #1126
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little Johnnys mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Johnny came running in saying, "Mommy! Grandma has shrimp!"
Johnnys mom asked him, "What are you talking about, Johnny?"
"Grandma has shrimp! Come see!"
So they go into the livingroom and there's grandma in a skirt asleep on the couch, legs spread with no panties on.
Johnny says, "See? Grandma has shrimp!"
Johnnys mom says, "Oh Johnny, that's not shrimp, that's a clitoris"
"I don't know about no clitoris," Johnny says, "But it sure tastes like shrimp to me
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In reply to Post #1118
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My wife said to me "What's the big deal about eating horse meat? I used to eat horse meat all the time in my last job."
I asked her "Really? What job was that then?"
"Porn star" She replied.
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In reply to Post #1122
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh1t instead.
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In reply to Post #1119
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In reply to Post #1118
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Santa while traveling in a plane was continuously looking at a woman's legs and saw that she wasn't wearing her panties and beneath her tall waxed legs was a clean shaved pu$$y that was just unbelievable.
Woman: I know what you are looking at.
Santa apologetically, "I am sorry, Ma'm. This would not happen again".
Woman: That's perfectly OK. I know I'm not wearing my panties but one thing you don't know is that my pu$$y can do funny things...
Santa: Like what?
Woman: It can wink.
Santa: Show me how?
The woman lifted her skirt and made her clean shaved pu$$y wink at the Santa.
Santa: Wow! It's amazing.
Woman: It can blow a kiss as well and she made her nice white lips blow a kiss at Santa.
Santa got completely floored by this and was in awe of what he just saw.
Woman who was completely hot and wet and wanted some action said to Santa, "You can come next to my seat and put your fingers in my pu$$y".
Santa: Fcuk, don't tell me it can whistle, too!
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying in bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "seven points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart.
So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart.
Straining, the old man tries so hard, he sh1ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides
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In reply to Post #1115
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I had the best valentines day ever. I had sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde I have ever seen.
Being the mortuary assistant in Pretoria has its perks.
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What's blue and full of haribo?
Kevin Webster's overalls.
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Roses are Red,
Rohypnol is clear,
That's why your mine,
For one night this year.
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In reply to Post #1112
What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?...
20 years.
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In reply to Post #1111
I bought a valentines card for everyone at our local tourettes society.
It's the thought that c--ts
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New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious
home that completely acquits him of his girlfriends murder.
Footprints
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In reply to Post #1109
Roses are red
Violets are gorgeous
But don't ever try to surprise Oscar Pistorrius !!!
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In reply to Post #1108
Oscar pestorius was chilling having a few beers when his missus came home to suprise him for valentines day. She kept having a go at him so he shot her! Apparently she accused him of being legless!
Sorry I couldn't resist.
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In reply to Post #1107
Oscar Pistorius has been charged with murder even though he claims it was an accident.
Police spokesman say " He hasn't got a leg to stand on"
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In reply to Post #1106
Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You're about to get fisted.
happy valentines day Girls
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In reply to Post #1105
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I got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that?
We stopped having sex years ago.
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In reply to Post #1101
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In reply to Post #1101
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1101
been flyed that
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"G'day mate, Fosters help line. What's the problem dude?".
"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the vagina by a Hornet, and now her v@gina has completely closed up".
"Bummer dude".
"Thanks mate, bye."
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In reply to Post #1099
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My son looked upset today so I asked him what was wrong.
He sat down on the sofa beside me and said, "Can I talk to you about having sex with my girlfriend?"
"Of course," I replied.
He said, "Can you stop doing it please
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better
Than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Jor huzban he say so.
Wife: Oh yeah?
Maria: The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?
Maria: Jor hozban didâ
Wife increasingly agitated: Oh he did, did he?
Maria: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, And did my husband say that as well?
Maria: No Senora¦ The gardener did.
Wife: So how much do you want?
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B&Q have know been dragged into the food scandal, apparently they have been selling wood floors with lamb in it.
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In reply to Post #1088
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In reply to Post #1085
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In reply to Post #1084
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In reply to Post #1082
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She didn't try to hide her disappointment when she pulled my cock out.
"You fcuking liar!" She said, "You told me it was 12 inches."
"It is," I insisted, "You just need to calculate the volume."
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In reply to Post #1090
Findus to sponsor Crystal Palace as they have been 100% pony for over 50 years...........
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In reply to Post #1088
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A source has just told me,that Odemwingie has just arrived at the Vatican...
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In reply to Post #1087
I was working in Tesco's re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7,when in walks the blonde girl l'd scored with last night.she said "Oi! you told me you were a stunt pilot......you lying bast--d" I replied "No,I told you l was part of the Ariel display team.....!
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In reply to Post #1084
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In reply to Post #1084
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Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me
explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked
receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks
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Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m fcuking coming!
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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works.
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A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have fcuking ironed it first!"
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In reply to Post #1080
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I thought I'd buy my wife a vibrator to try and spice up our sex life.
"Can I help you?" said the Ann Summers assistant.
"I'm after a vibrator for my wife, I replied, "but I didn't realise they came in so many sizes and different colours"
"Yes they do." She said, "but then again they all do the same job."
"Okay then, I'll take that tartan one over there"
"That's not for sale sir."
"Why not?"
"Because it's my flask."
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The wife had been scheduled to have her massive vagina reduced, when we were informed the operation would take the surgeon twelve hours to complete.
Thanks to my connections however, I managed to have it done in only six.
I had a man on the inside.
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I was travelling towards a village in Africa, when I saw one of the locals up a tree, sawing a huge branch off. I then realised that he was sawing between himself and the trunk.
I said to him, "Oi, if you're not careful, tha branch is going to break and you're going to fall out of that tree".
He looked at me with a vacant expression on his face and continued sawing.
Two minutes later, he came crashing to the ground, picked himself up, dusted himself off, looked at me and then ran off towards the village screaming, "There's a prophet coming, there's a prophet coming".
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In reply to Post #1
I saw a big girl wearing a t-shirt that said Guess. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
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I was shocked in Amsterdam, when I saw a sign advertising 'duck sex'.
Then I got knocked out by two people fcuking on a swing.
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In reply to Post #1072
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In reply to Post #1073
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One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.
"Two pounds sixty," she says.
The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.
This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.
"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.
The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.
"Another large cappuccino, please."
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It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.
The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fcuking Newmarket.
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My doctor has told me l have to watch what l eat,so i've booked tickets for the grand national.
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In reply to Post #1069
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I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be!
I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him.
"Had a good time last night?", I asked.
"Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly.
"Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?"
"Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
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In reply to Post #1045
Im crying!
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In reply to Post #1066
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I was playing rock, paper, scissors with the girlfriend earlier.
When it was time to show, I started to gesture my finger in and out of my mouth.
"What is that supposed to be?" she said, "That's not rock, paper or scissors."
"I know, it's a blowjob." I said, "Nothing beats a blowjob."
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Never mind horses in lasagne,
I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.
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Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"
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The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"
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In reply to Post #1060
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A girl with a fantastic figure started talking to me at a bar.
"Are you a student?" she asked me.
I said, "Yes,"
"That's great," she added. "What are you studying at the moment?"
"Your tits." I replied.
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Viagra has been great for my sex life...
But my frequent need to urinate has stained my bathroom ceiling tiles piss yellow.
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My doctor has told me I have to stop eating Findus frozen meals.
I have to reduce my Shergar intake.
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In reply to Post #1057
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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After my wife fainted, the nurse asked, "Is she afraid of needles?"
"No, it was because you told her she wouldn't be able to eat for 24 hours after it
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The government has passed a new bill in parliament.Now Gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money.Its called the "Knobseekers Allowance". .
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My doctor told me I was extremely sick today.
I only asked him to add another finger during the prostate examination
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What will happen in the first lesbian divorce case?
How will both of them get three quarters of everything?
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In reply to Post #1047
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My wife said that she wants to take more risks in the bedroom.
So I've stuck tiny splinters of glass to all but one of her vibrators..
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"What do you want from me for your birthday?" asked my nan, "It has to be cheap."
I said, "A blow job would be great."
"No chance," she replied.
I said, "A blow job is free, nan."
"A what job?" she asked
"A blow job!" I shouted in her ear.
"Oh, I thought you said a nose job," she laughed. "Pull your pants down then."
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After 15 years of marrige im pleased to announce that iv finally found the wifes cl1toris
Its on her sister
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In reply to Post #1047
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I thought it would be funny to phone my wife and fart down the phone.
Later, I asked her, "Any interesting phone calls lately?"
She replied, "Just a voicemail from some ********!"
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So, all dogs are going to have to have microchips from 2016.
Fu*k that, mine's getting Pedigree Chum as usual.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. “So what’s the good news?” he asks.
The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”
The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
“Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?”
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pu$$y.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common
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A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pu$$y?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then
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In reply to Post #1039
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In reply to Post #1040
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I was the driving examiner for a nice young lady, and I said, "This test will last about 40 minutes."
"That's quite long," she moaned. "Can it be done any faster?"
"Sure love," I winked. "How about a blowjob and I'll give you a pass."
"Just fcuk off Dad, you said you'd be helpful."
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British Humour
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
Was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn
To politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair
Reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
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Valentines Day:
Dinner: £70
Drinks: £50
Taxi: £20
Hotel: £300
The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period.. PRICELESS
The look on her face when you shove it up her ass.. EPIC
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In reply to Post #1036
A Palestine model was shot dead in Israel today.
Hope it wasn't Grommit!
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In reply to Post #1033
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In reply to Post #1033
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A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
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Bob is shaving in the bathroom when his adopted teenage son comes in to take a piss. Even though he tries not to look, Bob can't help notice that the boy has an enormous dick.
"Where the fcuk did you get that from, Johnny?" says Bob.
"My dick?" says Johnny. "Well, every time I get into bed with a chick I bang my cock five times on the edge of the bed, been doing it for years."
Bob just can't get this out of his mind all day, so when he eventually decides to join his wife in bed, he bangs his cock five times on the edge of the bed.
"Careful, Johnny," says his wife. "Bob's still around somewhere."
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As the doctors rushed about in the operating room, my head was in a daze. Slowly but surely I could feel my life ebbing away. The lads holidays I'm going to miss, spontaneous piss ups a long distant thing of the past, so many unfulfilled dreams that would never happen.
As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.
"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
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I started my first day as a telephone operator for The Suicide Helpline this morning and I had a call from some guy.
He said, "I'm currently walking towards a railway track deciding on whether or not to get hit by a train and end my life."
"Don't do it," I said, "Do you think that you could hold the line for just a minute?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Well, do that then," I said, "Electrocuting yourself is a much manlier way to go."
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In reply to Post #1029
Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest.
2nd goes to Peter Odemwingie.
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In reply to Post #1027
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In reply to Post #1024
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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for
$ 10,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for
$100,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"No!," says the little old man... "That costs
too much!
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"Match-fixing: Champions League tie played in England 'was fixed'"
'No idea what you're talking about' Said Alex Ferguson as he bundled Howard Webb into a taxi.
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In reply to Post #1024
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Rocky Has Broken His Leg And His Friend Bob Comes Over To See Him.Bob: “How Are You Doing?”Rocky: “Fine, Hey, Do Me A Favor Go Upstairs & Get Me My Slippers, My Feet Are Freezing”Bob Goes Upstairs & Sees Rocky’s Hot Twin Sisters Laying On The Bed.Bob: “Your Brother Sent Me Up To Have Sex With You Girls”Twins: “Prove It”Bob (Shouting): “Hey Rocky, Both Of Them?”Rocky (Shouting Back): “Of Course, What’s The Point Of Fcuking One
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A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?
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My wife has got a tattoo on her inner thigh of a sea shell,
When I put my ear to it, I can smell the sea.
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I said to the wife, "I'm horny."
"What you want me to do?"
"Give me a sh@g."
"Oh, really?"
"No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache
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What separates men from animals?
A bucket of cold water..
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In reply to Post #1018
I,m loving this thread , shame the other one went 
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $1,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $1 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about"
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
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A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.
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herb decided to propose to Sandi, but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. "She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis. "Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb"s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches long!
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So a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer go to a bar right before Christmas and they're taking about what they got for their wife's! The doctor said he got get a diamond necklace and I trip to Jamaica so if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has the trip. The lawyer got his wife a 80 flat screen tv and a car so if she doesn't like the tv, she still has the car. The engineer got his wife pearl earrings and a dildo. The other two, confused, asked why he got the dildo. He replied, "So if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go fcuk herself!
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In reply to Post #1013
great thread
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Two elderly men had been without sex for several years and decided they needed to visit a whore house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men, so she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her tits, she farted and flew out the window".
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In reply to Post #1011
You put yer transfer in....
You transfer out....
In out in out you f*ck yer club about...
You do the Odumwhingie, you turn yer car around..
Thats what its all about....
Ooooh Odumwhingie ooooh Odumwhingie.
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An elderly man......was stopped by the police at around 2 a.m. in the morning.
He was asked by a policeman where he was going at that time of night/early morning.
The old boy replied:" i'm on my to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,..as well as smoking and staying out very late!."
The police officer then asked:
Really?! where and who is giving that kind of lecture at this unearthly hour?
The man replied:..........That would be my wife!.
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When my brother got sent to jail,he didn't take it well at all.Refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at anyone who came near him,smeared his own $hit up the walls.
after that we never played Monopoly again.
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I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch,but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach.
On the floor.
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A resent survey found that one in three women are just as f--king stupid as the other two.
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some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.
I was minding my own business then "Bosch".
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In reply to Post #1005
That's a classic
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In reply to Post #1
I rang babe station last night
The girl answered and said "hi how can I help you?"
I said, "fcking hide. I've lost the tv remote and my bird is coming down the stairs"
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I was getting dressed when the prostitute said to me, "You're the first man to give me an orgasm."
"That's OK love," I said to her. "No need to give me that ****."
"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?
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They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.
Somebody came in speaking English
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In reply to Post #1001
Never Argue with a Woman
One afternoon, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a bailiff in his boat,
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good Afternoon, Ma'am..
What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, mr bailiff, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the bailiff,
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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In reply to Post #999
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In reply to Post #999
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A very fat man saw an ad:
"lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.
He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6am.
The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying:
"u catch me u fcuk me!" & the girl starts running.
He starts running but doesn't catch her. During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.
However he loses 5 kg.
He then asks for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt saying:
"u catch me u fcuk me".
He loses 10 kg that week.
So he thought this program is awesome!
Lets try the 25 kg!
So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "Are you sure?
its really tough!".
he said "YES!"
Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a big black gay man in just underwear saying..
"If I catch you, I will fcuk you.."
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In reply to Post #997
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'Yes It hasn't been proven yet but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this little gem to cook...............you're gone.
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As I sat down with a cup of tea to watch a porno, my flatmate laughed and said,
"You want to be careful mate, you'll go blind."
I laughed, but he was right.
I'd left the spoon in the cup.
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In reply to Post #1
My wife would never leave me..................................
"She'd hate to see me happy!"
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Bought my missus a hamster fur coat for christmas, we went to the fair last night and she was on the big wheel for 3 hours
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The Swansea ball boys night got even worse when he got home to find his mum being shagged by John Terry
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I was having routine sex with the wife last night when I suddenly surprised her.
I produced a massive rubber dildo from under the bed and went to work on her pussy.
After she came she said "oh my god I can't believe you went out and bought that"
"I didn't," I replied I borrowed it off gay Alan at work.
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I was busting for a sh1t at the petrol station, so passing the counter assistant I said, "Fill her up for me would you?"
"That'll be £302.56," he said on my return.
"What?" I exclaimed. "But the car only takes 40 litres!"
"I know, but your wife needed 58 sausage rolls
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In reply to Post #978
if that was torres , do ya think he would have missed
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To be honest I'm really disappointed in Lance,he's making young innocent drug users think cycling is cool!I reckon he misread what he was taking and thought it was add-a-bollock steroids.
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Tesco in trouble again as human DNA found in Welsh lamb.
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Joey Barton must be a right annoying c..t....he's only been in France 5 minutes and they are all leaving to come to Newcastle.
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In reply to Post #985
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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What’s the useless skin around a vagina called?
The woman
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!
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In reply to Post #982
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Jen's friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.
"When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it," says Jen.
The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.
"How did it go, then?" asks Jen. "Wonderfully!" beams Amy. "Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea
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A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men.
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In reply to Post #978
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In reply to Post #978
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I walked over, the little boy must of known what I wanted but he cowardly bent over trying to stop me getting what I wanted from him. As I came cautiously up behind he dropped to the floor cupping what I wanted to see the most, I put my arms around his stomach to tease his arms away, it didn't work so I tried to force his arms away so I could get a good glance at what I was here for, but still the child resisted... By now my patients was wearing thin so I angrily kicked him and took the ball from him, stupid ball boy.
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In reply to Post #973
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My wife has the most breathtaking vagina.
One time, she opened her legs and killed the budgie.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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police are searching for 2 peados who are posing as work men, clearing snow from primary school, advised to be on the look out for JIMMY SHOVEL and GARY GRITTER
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A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though.
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I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park
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In reply to Post #957
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Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham. The teacher begun calling out the names of the pupils;
"Mustafa al Eih Zeri?" "here."
"Achmed el kbul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek?" "Here"
"Ali Addul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin kadir?" "here"
"Ali son al Len" Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
She repeated,"is there any child here called Ali Son al Len?"
A girl rose and said,Sorry teacher.I think that's me.It's pronounced Alison Allen.
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In reply to Post #969
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Hazard kicked the ball boy for keeping the ball.Torres would've missed him, Cole would have shot him and Terry would've shagged his mother!!!Chelsea through and through.
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The wife told me to get the broken camp bed mended as her mother was coming to stay this weekend.
"I don't need to bother" I said.
"Oh, and whys that?" my wife asked.
"Cows can sleep standing up" I replied.
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Roman Abramovich has just bought that Swansea ball boy for 14 million after keeping possession longer than any Chelsea player.
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In reply to Post #954
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What's the difference between Eden Hazard and Jimmy Savile?
One beats ball boys, the other one beats boys' balls.
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My wife stood modelling the new underwear she'd ordered.
"What do you think"she asked.
I said "Its different to how it is in the catalogue."
"How is it different?"she said.
I replied,"I don't have a hard on....!"
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In reply to Post #961
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In reply to Post #961
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I walked into the chemist's today.
"Excuse me" I said to the girl behind the counter. "Do you have any Tena pads? The wife's sent me for some."
"Of course we do sir." She replied. "A big box?"
"Yes." I told her.
"Fcukking massive, actually !!!
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In reply to Post #954
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In reply to Post #954
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In reply to Post #957
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People should give lance Armstrong a break after everything he's done for charity, like when he donated a bollok to help mend Harry redknapps face
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A potential first could happen in this season league cup final,with 2 teams from outside England reaching the final.Swansea from Wales and Bradford from Pakistan.
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People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing.
When i was on drugs i couldn't even find my bike
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In reply to Post #946
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In reply to Post #939
thats the best :D HAHAHAHAH
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In reply to Post #949
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A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.
Some time later, the train enters a tunel and all goes black, then suddenly they hear a big slap. As the train exits the tunnel there's the American with the side of his face all red wearing a look of shock.
In the mind of the ugly woman, "That American tried to grope the gorgeous girl and she slapped him!"
In the mind of the gorgeous woman, "That American tried to grope me, but got the ugly woman instead and she slapped him!"
In the mind of the American, "That Canadian tried to grope the gorgeous woman and she tried to slap him but got me instead!"
In the mind of the Canadian, "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap that fcuking American again
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #946
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Banta: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?
Santa: Get an Irish virginity test kit.
Banta: What's that?
Santa: Get a can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.
Banta: What? Are you mad?
Santa: Paint your right ball red and the other blue, as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen'
Hit her head with the shovel !
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Does anyone know how David Blunkets first Helicopter lesson went the other day?
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In reply to Post #940
Cracking lad!!!
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My girlfriends' name is Lana.
I love fcuking her backwards.
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In reply to Post #941
Fours goodens their sik
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?’
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "b@stard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and b@stard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Sh1t" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fcuk" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and b@stards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh1t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fcuking the turkey!
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A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today.
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In reply to Post #936
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Katie Price's dad dropped the phone and rushed to her house with his snow shovel, expecting to have to dig her out of massive snow drifts.
It turned out, Katie misunderstood when her dad had asked how many inches she's had.
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In reply to Post #932
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In reply to Post #933
(Reels pls. now)
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This morning, I spent an hour digging out the car because of the snow. I then spent a further hour digging the road clear to get my car out of the street. On getting onto the street, my car broke down, so I abandoned it and walked the seven miles to work.
At one point I had to take shelter in a bus stop as the blizzards were that bad they were forcing me back, but I still pushed on. Finally, two hours late I arrived for work, to be greeted by my boss.
"Bloody hell Dave, I'm surprised you're here. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't come in with all this snow" he said.
"Well" I said, "My wife made me come in."
"Really?" he asked. "What did she say?"
"Don't bother going to work, we can spend all day in bed."
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I was in Asda earlier, this thick fcuking chav bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.
"£1.03 please"
"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.
"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought fcuk it, I'll pay by card.
"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.
I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."
Don't fcuk with a tired Irishman...
That is all.
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New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup,
he has bought himself a new telly.
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Since it started snowing the wife keeps on looking through the window.....If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in!
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In reply to Post #928
After Tesco's horesmeat scandal they have now found traces of zebra in there barcodes.
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I don't know why there's all that fuss about Tesco's "horse meat" beef burgers.
Carling's been made out of donkey's piss for years!
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In reply to Post #925
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In reply to Post #925
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One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.
"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"
Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.
"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."
The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.
The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...
"Why are you crying?" says the lion.
"It hurts," says the rabbit.
"And why the fcuk are you laughing?" says the lion.
"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms.
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The wife said to me, "I bet you can't go one whole day without cracking a joke about my periods."
"You're on," I said.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #921
gettin decent again this thread been some funny stuff
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In reply to Post #920
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.
Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"
The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.
As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.
The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."
The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"
"Sure did, Dad. I got a f_ck for a duck, a duck for a f_ck, and 24 bucks for a f_cked-up duck
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In reply to Post #904
Chocked on my tea with that one
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Apparently,some of the horses were molested before being put into the burgers at Tesco.
police are asking people who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.........
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A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel,blankets,sleeping bag,extra clothing,including a scarf,hat,gloves,24hrs supply of food and drink,de-icer,rock salt,torch,tow rope,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads.I looked a right c--t on the bus this morning.
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Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning. If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.
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In reply to Post #913
especially just after paying my corporation tax to the tramps
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks
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What's a pelican, an ostrich and the HM Revenue got in common?
They can all stick their bills up their arse!
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In reply to Post #911
post 904 brilliant
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In reply to Post #910
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A stranger text me last night asking me to meet him in the woods so he could see my penis.
The weirdo never turned up!!
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Tesco's are bringing out a new range of beef burgers called Fernando Torres............100% Pony.
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If you thought Tesco's burger scandal was bad,it has emerged that Iceland have been selling Quarter Panda's.
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I made a curry the other night and sat down to eat it.On the telly there was a advert for Oxfam.They showed a starving poor family covered with flies and dying.With a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face l thought,"f--K me this curry's hot!"
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A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
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In reply to Post #904
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.
"No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day."
The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"
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Now Tesco are taking veggie burgers off the shelves as well. Supposedly they've discovered traces of UniQuorn!
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Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,camel toe found in Primark leggings.
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All these protests going on in India over the gang rape death.Who's manning the phones?
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My friend ended up in hospital after eating burgers containing horse meat from Tesco. He's in a stable condition but he still has the trots.
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In reply to Post #898
Just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.
Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall
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Kids today don't know how lucky they are, they can access porn with one single click of the mouse on a PC to fulfill their personal masturbation needs.
When I was a kid, I had to make do with typing '58008' in the calculator to get my kicks!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I was in the cafe in Tesco ordering my food and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a fiver each way
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In reply to Post #893
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park.... then the electricity goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the fcuking garage this time?”
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your @rses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are p1ssed off about the two-hour delay, please see the fcuking bitch in the kitchen.
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Took a bird home after night clubbing last night and after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs.
While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed that said 'i hope thats not that fat bitch from last week'.
The bird said what the f**k was that?!
I said its that b@stard memory foam mattress...
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My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.....every time I take them down there's a f--king protest!
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Tesco aren't the only supermarkets selling meat from horses.
I've been buying My Lidl Pony for years now.
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Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some burgers.
So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
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Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat,but surprisingly high in Shergar,What are the odds in that?
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Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,just checked the date on mine and..........Their off.
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In reply to Post #884
#885
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Got the lads from the AA to tow me home in the snow last night..
it was a right laugh 6 pissed up guy's pulling me on a sledge
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I said to a Polish friend at work, "Can you lend me any cash till payday?"
He said, "What we talking?"
Typical, I thought, first mention of money and he no longer speaks English.
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I had to get my wife a birthday present so dashed down to the High St. today. Jessops shut. HMV shut. Comet shut. Ann Summers open.
**** it, I'll stick a tenner in her card.
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In reply to Post #881
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"Put your arms up, it makes it better."
Great when you're at a theme park, quite off putting when you're fingering Katie Price.
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In reply to Post #879
Boom!!!!
I can't wait to tell her that one later
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"It won't be long before we're having sex again!" I told the wife. "I've bought some tablets that'll finally give me an erection."
"Oh babe, when can we start?" she winked.
"As soon as they start working!" I smiled, "So here, take two now, they're slimming pills."
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Ive finally found something the wifes arse dont look big in............the ****ing distance
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I've just been into the loft and found a 1979 copy of the TV Times.......or as its now known-the sex offenders register!!
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In reply to Post #874
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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some funny stuff lads
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Mike and Bob are swimming when they see a pregnant woman drowning.
They quickly pull her to safety.
Mike starts giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Bob takes off the woman's panties and puts his mouth on her pussy.
Mike says, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
Bob replies, "You save the mother, I'll save the child!"
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In reply to Post #869
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A Leeds fan, an Chelsea fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks."
The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the Chelsea fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the manc fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the manc fan said, "Potatoes".
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In reply to Post #869
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Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Liverpool scarf.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Manc fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Mancs."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now F**K OFF!!"
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In reply to Post #867
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Female weightlifter goes to the doctor" i've been taking steroids & seem to have grown a cock".
"Anabolic" asks the Dr.
"No just a cock" says the woman.
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In reply to Post #864
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In reply to Post #864
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The reason Alex Ferguson chews so much gum is that after sucking off all the officials before the match starts, old whiskey nose then has to spend the rest of the game getting the taste out of his mouth.
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In reply to Post #861
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I was watching the undateables last night and there was a blonde girl on it who due to a stroke a few years ago,now struggles to talk and start conversation.
Undateable? She's perfect.
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The missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits.
She returned home relieved to be told it was her belly botton
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LFC have decided to appeal the 2 red cards Howard Webb will give them against Man Utd on Sunday.
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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone."its what he would have wanted"!!
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In reply to Post #857
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What's the difference between my wife and a cart horse?
The horse doesn't kick when you whack your load on its back.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to showit to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he
pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it
to the rancher. "See this f@cking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers
given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up
and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and
yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F@CKING BADGE!"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I fcuked a chick with OCD the other day. She liked to do stuff in alphabetical order, So we started with Anal then to the Blowjob, then Cowgirl leading to Doggy.. Then I got up n got dressed, at this point she started yelling at me but I said I've done E n Ejaculated so now I'm doing F, G and H to which she asked whats that ?? So I replied
- Fcuking Going Home
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In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
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In reply to Post #851
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.All his professionalism goes right out the window...He tells her to take off her pants,she does,and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?",she replies,"Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies,"Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that fcuking ice cream van hadn't come along, he’d still be alive!
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I went to school and i was taught that:
Pussy meant a cat, Sex meant a gender, Bitch is a female dog, Dick was a name, Bang was a sound, Rubber was an eraser, head meant a part of the body, 69 was just a number.
And then i came across all you dirty b@stards and my education was ruined.
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In reply to Post #840
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In reply to Post #844
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In reply to Post #844
Two guys were in bed together, that had been going at it all day.
One of the chaps gets out of bed and said to the other.
'' I'm going to the toilet, now don't have a **** while I'm gone''
'' ok I promise I won't ''
When the chap returns from the toilet he discovers cum on the ceiling, all over the walls and all over the bed sheets, he turns to his boyfriend and said. '' how could you, you promised me that you wouldn't **** while I was gone, get out we are finished I never want to see you again''
'' I didn't ****, all I did was fart''
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In reply to Post #1
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.
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In reply to Post #840
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In reply to Post #840
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A guy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear,
"I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fcuker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!
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In reply to Post #838
2 parrots sitting on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish?
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I saw David and Victoria Beckham at a party last night.
I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind."
"I'm not." he replied.
I said, "So what's with the white stick?"
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In reply to Post #836
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.
Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly sucking on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"
The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."
Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think
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For the women who have heavy periods, there's bodyform.
For men who have to put up with them, there's chloroform.
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When my mate and I walked into an 'anything goes' club in Amsterdam, we couldn't believe our eyes:
I said, "I'm so f**king horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."
"Yeah, me too" he smiled.
"F**k off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."
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Real men don't wear pink.
They eat it.
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I don't care if my wife spits or swallows.
As far as I'm concerned, she earned that cum and she can do whatever she wants with it.
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I've been using the same gag to get woman into bed for over five years now.
I should get a new one really,this one's got blood on it.
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I've just heard that the man who had the recent hand transplant has been caught shoplifting in Tesco,turns out the donor was a scouser
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I was on my way home and see me dwarf neighbour waiting at the bus stop so I stopped and said jump in.
He said he';d sooner walk.So i done me zip back up on my back pac and carried on walking.
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1 inch - are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly
3 inch - never been so unsatisfied in my life
4 inch - I've had bigger
5 inch - good, but not enough
6 inch - about right
8 inch - perfect
10 inch - it's hurting my insides
12 inch - I'm absolutely destroyed
How do you rate your pizza?
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. The Queen promptly pulls out a douche bottle and starts cleaning her vagina.
St. Peter then asks Dolly why she thinks she is worthy of entering heaven. In response, Dolly flashes her boobs.
He then proceeds to open the gates, letting Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why the Queen was let through and not her, Peter replies, "A royal flush beats a wild pair."
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In reply to Post #824
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My mate just said, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."
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People tell me I don't understand anal sex.
It's not my fault, I just haven't found a woman with a vagina big enough for my arse to fit into yet
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In reply to Post #822
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'Phone rings, woman answers.
Pervert with heavy breathing says, 'I bet you have a tight arse, with no hair.'
Woman replies 'Yes, he's watching the football. Who shall I say is calling?'
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In reply to Post #818
And any Newcastle fans a bit peed off they are losing their idol, apparently the club have an offer on for only £3 you can have the letters "stard" added on to your existing shirt.
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So a bloke has a hand transplant.. Surely they should have called it a handjob
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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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In reply to Post #817
Anyway..... Back on track..
Chelsea fans wanting to save money on a Demba Ba replica shirt?
Just cut off the word 'DROG' from the one you wore last season.
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In reply to Post #815
writting pakistani is one thing writting paki is another thing ,so lets kill the story here and write a funny joke.
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In reply to Post #814
Chill out,you don't have to be Pakistani to be a c--t,this is a joke tread and as for your post before that,you lost me there .be happy
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In reply to Post #788
saying paki **** is not nice is it
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In reply to Post #787
must have used all ur hair for embroidery
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The wife wasn't too happy when I told her I wanted a full-sized tattoo of Megan Fox's face.
"I won't lie and tell you I like the idea." She said.
"And where would you like that?"
"Well if I'm honest," I told her..
"Somewhere between your hairline and your chin."
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In reply to Post #808
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"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow.
Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.
Cop: Excuse me mam, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?
Driver: Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.
Cop: Mam, the speed limit is 55mph, the sign you saw was for this road, Highway 14.
Driver: Oh my, that makes a lot of sense now. I apologize & I'll make sure I look closer at the signs.
The cop then looks around the car & notices that all of the passengers look like they've seen a ghost.
Cop: Is everyone alright?
Driver: Oh yes. They'll be fine. They always have that look on their face after I drive on highway 151
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Last. Nite I had a w**k just before 12 so it felt like the whole country was behinds counting down a cheering me on!
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In reply to Post #806
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I got 3 young kids and work all year to make sure they get what they want christmas morning, only for that fat **** with the beard to get all the credit.....my fault really for marrying her
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In reply to Post #798
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In reply to Post #802
Happy new year to you all. I am contacting you now as I suffer from premature congratulations.
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In reply to Post #778
true so true
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In reply to Post #801
Sicko......
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In reply to Post #800
necrophilliach,
i used to be one of those till some rotten **** split on me
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What's a necrophiliac's favourite position?
Decomposition.
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In reply to Post #798
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b@stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.
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In reply to Post #795
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Just watched a Stan Boardman DVD and this was on - the old ones are the best
Stan Boardman
And another:
A mother in the UK has given birth to a 16lb baby..... the hospital staff are taking bets on who'll walk first.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the
cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire
and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What
kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot ar$ehole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!
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In reply to Post #793
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A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school. (robot slaps son)
Son: Okay I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)
Son: Okay, I was watching porn.
Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)
Mum: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mum)
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #791
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3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, & one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings & suspenders, black leather basque, black knee high boots and a leather face mask. Later the engaged woman says, "My man jumped me and sex me all night!" The mistress adds, "Me too. We had wild, dirty sex till dawn!" The married woman says, "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said, 'What's for dinner Batman?'"
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In reply to Post #788
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In reply to Post #788
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a Sikh and a Pakistani were driving in opposite directions one night and as they passed each other their cars collided.To their amazement neither was hurt but both cars are destroyed.
in celebration of their luck they agreed to put their differences aside from that moment on.The Sikh goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey.He hands it to the Pakistani and says"l know Muslims don't normally drink but who's gonna know".The Pakistani says "may the Sikhs and the Muslims live together forever in peace and harmony"and then gulps down half the bottle.
He goes to hand the bottle to the Sikh who replies,"no thanks, I'll just wait till the cops get here you paki c--t.
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My wife is a mute.She communicates by embroidery.
It's her own version of sign language,sew to speak.'
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In reply to Post #780
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In reply to Post #780
Quality
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off was doing here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22 year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live
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In reply to Post #780
gud un!!!!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #778
clever ian
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Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
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In reply to Post #775
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In reply to Post #775
beltin!!!!!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
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In reply to Post #769
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In reply to Post #764
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #770
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In reply to Post #770
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What is white, the size of a smartie and can induce a cardiac arrest in a 74 year old man within one second?
Paul Daniels door bell
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Breaking news; FA to introduce sponge footballs and safety helmets after van Persie near death experience.
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In reply to Post #767
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I can't wait to unwrap and open 'Footballers' Cluedo' tomorrow.
I bet it was 'Ashley Williams' in 'The Liberty Stadium' with 'The Ball'.
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In reply to Post #764
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Paul Daniels has revealed that, 40 years ago he picked up a hitchhiker and kissed her intimately only to discover she was a schoolgirl. He has therefore escaped 4 decades of prison and a media hate campaign.
Now *that's* magic!!
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In reply to Post #761
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What's the best way to kill a rapist?
Well according to Alex Ferguson....its tapping him on the head with a football.
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In reply to Post #757
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I have lost my phone, so if you find it I can explain the pictures.
I suspected my hamster had hypothermia so I needed to stick him somewhere warm, quickly
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I haven't washed my van for a few weeks now. I caught a tramp writing a message on it this morning.
It said, "I wish my wife was this clean
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As we laid in bed I dipped my finger into the wife's fanny.
She got a bit upset and said can't you just lick your finger to turn the page.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I'm selling my pet python on ebay.
Some bloke just rang up and asked is it big?
I said ****ing massive.
He said how many feet?
I said none, it's a fcuking snake
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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"How much for the huge washing machine?" I asked the lady in the shop today.
"£1.50" she replied.
"You've got yourself a fcuking deal," I said, dragging it out of the launderette.
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My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
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In reply to Post #752
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I used to date a dental nurse called Jean. She was good at two things, doing drugs and giving blowjobs.
She was known as oral, high Jean.
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In reply to Post #749
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In reply to Post #749
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A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said there had been invented a new machine that would transfer-by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they returned home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
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In reply to Post #747
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In reply to Post #746
A couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was packed.
As the wife walked through a store she was surprised to look
around and see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so
worried, she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into
about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop."
"Well, I'm in the pub next door to it."
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In reply to Post #745
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This Christmas shopping is a load of w@nk.
I went to boots....and they don't sell boots....
I went to Selfridge and they don't sell fridges....
went to Curry's.....not a curry in site!
So I tried Virgin Megastore and what a fcuking disappointment that was....
It had closed down in 2007
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In reply to Post #742
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.
Apparently they have a patent on overpriced crap for A***holes.
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Fred Talbot is forecasting some unpleasant showers.
Mainly the ones in prison
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My wife was dressing for work and said..."How come your cock doesn't get as hard it used to?"
as she tucked her tits into her knickers!
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Went to the doctors yesterday suffering from premature ejaculation. Doctor said, "This must be very stressful for your wife." I said,
"To be honest it's getting on her tits."
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In reply to Post #734
Pmsl
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I ran my hands over her breasts, untied her legs, spread them and lifted them in the air to reveal her waiting juicy hole, I pushed in as much as I could until she could take no more.....
Right that's the turkey stuffed now to peel the potatoes....
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I was in town shopping today and stopped a woman in the street.
"Excuse me love, have you any idea where I can get a decent jumper?"
"Have you tried Fat Face?" she replied.
"Good idea," I said.
"Do you know anywhere?" I said, turning to my wife.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #734
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In reply to Post #733
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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The missus packed my bags and kicked me out last week.
As I walked down the garden path she shouted "I hope you live a miserable life and die a slow painful death you ****!"
"Make your bloody mind up, do you want me to go or not?"
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"Why do men always fall asleep after they cum?", asked my wife.
"I don't know", I replied, struggling to open my eyes.
"Well, get off the toilet, I need a sh1t."
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i phoned up the fishing helpline today and said
im crap at fishing , can you give me some tips,
the man said , okay , can you hold the line,
i replied no
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My kids keep taking the pi$$ out of my alzheimer's. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas and find no eggs under the bonfire.
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I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier..
After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi.
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Hi Lads
I've been in hospital.
Just to let you know that im back home.
The doctors think that I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicssilicovalcanoconiosis,but at the moment its hard to say.
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Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.
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Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy
cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra
and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her
pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it
on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.
'I'll bet you feel good' she continued.
'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17
I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the
National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000
and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that
and I thought she would get up and go.
But she took my hand off her thigh and put it
up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm
as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again she said, 'I'll bet you do.
In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have.
In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds
left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half
of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping
past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of
would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored
a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds
'til full time. We were still behind by one point,
but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,
more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under
her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp
of soft cotton and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man:
Have you ever felt such a perfect c@nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered,
'I missed the kick.' !!
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In reply to Post #724
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I've got my hands full with my new Lesbian neighbours.
Binoculars in one, cock in the other.
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So the world is due to end on the 21st of December...
I hope I'm sitting next to Alex Ferguson when it happens, as he'll get 10 minutes longer than everyone else.
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"Why are your eyes red?" I asked my teenage son.
"I've been smoking dope, Dad," he said.
So I punched him in the face. The lying little emo ****er's been crying again.
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In reply to Post #720
cruel , but ****ing funny
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It's freezing cold outside, frost and fog everywhere.
But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive?
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In reply to Post #718
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In reply to Post #1
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** R...on, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did....
And then she said,
"Do whatever you want.
So . . . .
here I am !
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The wife came downstairs the other night just after having a bath and said to me,"I've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"I replied " Yeah fu**ing plugs blocked again."
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Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked "What am I getting for Christmas?"
She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This"
I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.
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My mum caught me going through her knicker drawer last night.
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.
"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."
"I thought you was being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"
I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."
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In reply to Post #713
two idiots sitting in the pub discussing there next adventure
a bloke sitting nearby says , sorry , i couldnt help overhearing you discussing going
to the sun in a spacehip.
do you not realise that as you get close to it you will disintergrate because of the
intense heat it produces.
ah yes , weve already thought of that says the idiot, and thats why weve decided to go at night
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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel
to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be fcukin alive
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One of Britain's first ever sex-swap patients has been awarded the MBE.
Missing Bell End?
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Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked "What am I getting for Christmas?" She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This" I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.
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I remember my dad telling me, "Son. Only ever gamble what you don't mind losing."It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new "dad".
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so tulisa"s new album has been labelled a flop..she must have tried to suck it off !!
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the expectation was unbearable.
It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fcukin trolley over here fatty, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2.
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my missus said , youre football mad you are , you love tottenham more than you love me.
i said , i ****ing love arsenal more than i love you.
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The wife wanted sex so I lay on the bed, waiting.
Eventually she entered the bedroom,naked.
"Hi darling!" she said "I thought tonight we'd try something different."
"Different, how?" I asked.
"I'm thinking anal" she said
"Anal!? That's disgusting and.... unhygienic!" I cried.
"Don't worry, I've washed thoroughly. I think it will be a pleasurable experience."
"Pleasurable for you maybe. But then it's always all about you isn't it? It's always sucking your nipples then licking you to orgasm while you scream and moan."
"Well, tonight it will be anal, then nipples, then clitoris. Or we can get your mate, Dave, over again. He did anything I asked. He's an animal! And you like to watch, remember?"
"I thought I'd like to watch" I said "But turns out I don't. So, ok then"
"Good boy." she said as she lowered her backside to my face.
That'll teach me to drink and drive, I thought, as I readied my tongue. I fcuking hate being paralysed from the neck down.
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In reply to Post #702
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In reply to Post #702
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In reply to Post #702
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Breaking News.Nurse Jacintha Sadanas has turned up safe and well .In a phone call to an Australian radio broadcaster she said "Beat that for a f--king wind up"
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Dear Deirdre,my boyfriends a right dick!He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.I didn't believe him but after some persuasion he talked me into it and shagged me up the ar$e really hard. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.What should i do? A.Blonde essex
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I tried having sex with my mum whilst I was drunk last night.
She pushed me off and said, "What is wrong with you?"
"I'm really sorry," I replied, as I sat on the edge of the bed, "It must be the alcohol."
"Either that or you don't fancy me anymore." she said, slapping my flaccid penis.
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In reply to Post #697
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What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?....
Nurses can take a temperature.
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RIP. SIR PATRICK MOORE
The man was a genius of an astronomer but even he couldn't figure out what them 3 f--king stars on man city's shirt mean.
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Its been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro,
as Man city fans no longer have any need for them.
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In reply to Post #688
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In reply to Post #688
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I was telling the lads in the pub about all the sex I'd been having with a Thai woman.
"We've been shagging non-stop for a month," I bragged.
One lad said, "She must've had her period at some point..."
I winked and said, "We don't have that problem."
They looked disgusted and said, "Is she a ladyboy?"
I said, "No. She's 85."
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In reply to Post #684
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In reply to Post #688
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"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old.
The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.
When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
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I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"
l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge.'
"She giggled and said, 'Is that because you're a smooth ride?"
l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by fcuking dogs!!"
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I said to the wife, "will you take it up the @rse?""You're f..king sick you are" she screamed."A lot of blokes ask their wives that" I said."Not when they're holding a fire extinguisher" she said
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See they are getting ready for the 2016 Olympics in Brazil... Already throwing money at Rio !!
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"I'm never going to get a woman," moaned my mate."
Try using shower gel." I advised him.
"You think smelling better might help me?" he asked.
"No, but it'll make your lonely w@nks more enjoyable."
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I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all
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I'm not saying my new girlfriend is a sl@g or anything, But by the looks of her f@nny, I'm thinking it's more of a suggestion box
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I was shagging my blonde girlfriend when she said, "Cum all over me and I will not leave your bedroom until I've licked it all up."
3 years on she's still in my bedroom. **** knows how my jizz got onto her elbow.
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So Rio Ferdinand has had a coin thrown at him by a Manchester City supporter...It's a case of 'The fan hitting the ****'.
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The worst letter i've ever wrote:
Dear Jim ,please can you fix it for me to go on its a knock out!.
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l was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when i asked,"how are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," She said.
"Bit of a player in your day?" l laughed.
"no," "my dad had no arms!!"
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In reply to Post #1
I Was in the pub chatting to a nice lady when she says do you fancy a bit in the car, well what could I say apart from bloody hell yeah. One thing led to another when a policeman knocked on the window and says what's going on in there, well the Women went mad shouting and screaming at the copper. At which point the copper arrests me for............having an offensinve person on my weapon!!!!!!
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Ladbrokes must be sh**ting themselves right now.
If Des O'Connor is next, I've landed a 7 paedo accumulator.
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In reply to Post #674
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Paddy goes to a florist & says "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"Paddy says "A t1t w@nk..!
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The doctor has advised me to avoid saturated fat.
So I've stopped shagging the missus in the shower.
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dp 
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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breath test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy.
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Santa say's to his elf "i am getting sick of this .Its the same old sh-t every year.Running around like a c--t,in this stupid red costume,and at the end of it all l always end up with is nowt."The elf say's"Now you Know how Steven Gerrard Feels".
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In reply to Post #668
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Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner to me....sitting at the table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more.....!!
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"So," I asked, "Are you still on for a cock up your arse later?"
My wife looked shocked, "I can't believe you just asked me that in front of the whole pub!"
"Really?" I replied. "I can't believe you thought I was talking to you. Come on Ron. Let's get out of here."
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In reply to Post #665
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In reply to Post #665
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Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't f.ck
her
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Paddy asked his wife what she'd like for Christmas? She said, "I'd love a black I-Pad."
So he punched her.
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In reply to Post #660
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In reply to Post #661
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I've opened a bakery recently and a lady phoned me up,wanting a cake
with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS"written on it.l thought it was weird
but made it anyway.Mrs Cox was f--king furious when i delivered it.so
was her son,Issac
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I threw a second-hand, charity shop sweater at my wife earlier, saying
"There you go, merry Christmas."
She burst into tears and cried "You don't ****ing love me any more, do you?"
"Of course I do, look." I said.
"There's three X's on it's label, you fat bitch."
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Kate Middleton has just announced she's 4 weeks pregnant,coincidentally John Terry has been injured
for five weeks.........Hmmmm
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Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.
We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
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In reply to Post #656
bumped into noel edmounds the other day,so i said to him if you dont give me a 100k,i will tell the police i gave you a **** on swap shop, deal or no deal........
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One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labour with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was OK and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mum mum guess what?"
"What?"
I pi$$ed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mum mum guess what I pi$$ed out a bullet."
So the mum told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mum mum guess what?"
The mum said "let me guess you pi$$ed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
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In reply to Post #654
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How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
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In reply to Post #652
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Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where's your f@cking Ferrari??
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In reply to Post #647
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My missus has asked for something in silk for Christmas...
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the f--king wrong colour!
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In reply to Post #647
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Kate Middleton fell pregnant because William wasn’t able to use one of the best forms of contraception.
A tit ****.
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Having green fingers is usually a good thing.
Unless you're with the hulk's daughter when he arrives home.
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In reply to Post #644
I was at a restaurant amd my waitress had a black eye....so i ordered rreeeaallllyyyy slow, because she obviously doesnt listen!
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My mate from Toxteth has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.I asked him which website he saw them on.he replied "Google Earth"
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For years I thought I had a birthmark on my arse. It turned out to be a cigar burn.
Hows about that then?
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The wife has been missing for over a week now.Police said to prepare for the worst,so I've been to the charity shop to get all her cloths back!
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My wife,being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that,when I'm in a good mood,it turns green and,when I'm in a bad mood,it leaves a big f--king red mark on her forehead.
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The Jeremy Kyle Christmas song...
12 cans of Carling,11 DNA tests,10 Dads to choose from 9 teeth between them.8 squeezed in tracksuits 7 stinking smack-rats,6 Dun lop trainers,5 STOLEN RINGS 4 fat sl-gs 3 ugly ****s 2 timing c--ts..and a wa-ker who parades them on TV.
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I'm getting really excited-only 3 more Chelsea managers until Christmas.
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In reply to Post #637
Thumbs up on that one
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In reply to Post #636
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said ‘yes’, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that's fair, . . . . . tit for tat.
You won't hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. I gotta lilo.
Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic,
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £100,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running."
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at my Chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Marion) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few seconds.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
That's when she beat the crap out of me....
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In reply to Post #633
Nice yan
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In reply to Post #633
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In reply to Post #633
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In reply to Post #632
i was chatting to a gypsy bird in the pub last night when she asked "would you like to come back to mine for a good time" she was'nt f***in kidding either..i went on the waltzers,the ghost train & the dodgems, i even came home with a goldfish!
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In reply to Post #631
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The BBC have cancelled Bob The Builder, apparently they don't trust anyone who can fix it now...
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Sad news Marti Pellow has Arthritis.
He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
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A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor… Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads:
“Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I love you.”
He asks his son about what happened last night, his son told:
When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady! Leave me alone… I’m married!”
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In reply to Post #1
Stephen Hawking returned from his first date in 10 years with a black eye, bruises, scrapes, and a twisted ankle. Apparently she stood him up.
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All these years thinking i had a birth mark on my ar$e,now it turns out to be a cigar burn,hows about that then!
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In reply to Post #622
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Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.
She said, "If you help me find it I will let you **** my fanny all night."
I said, "What does it look like?"
She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."
I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."
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In reply to Post #622
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In reply to Post #622
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As I stripped off my dates clothes I said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but did you used to be a man?"
"Damn," she replied, "I've spent £20,000 on surgery, have great tits, a nice tight pussy and a body to die for. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your mum's sewed 'KEV' nametags in all of your clothes."
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In reply to Post #617
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In reply to Post #615
like it
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #617
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Yoko Ono is going in the jungle to advise on bush tucker survival. The slitty eyed f@cker has managed to live off a dead beatle for the last 30 years
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My son asked me why oysters are Aphrodisiacs.
"Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies."
"Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"
"You tell me," I replied, "you were the last one near it."
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In reply to Post #615
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.So off home he goes, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He holds it up to his ear and begins to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Bolton, parts of Stoke on Trent and anywhere in N.Wales – and Sunderland
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In reply to Post #609
1 of the best in ages that lad !!!!
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In reply to Post #609
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In reply to Post #608
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #609
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In reply to Post #609
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Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxing' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxing' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..." He paused and took a big gulp of beer. "She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over:"Anything I can do for you?" She purred."Yeah" I said, "get your tits out.""Ooh...you like my titties do ya?" She giggled."No love" I said, "they're dangling in my curry.
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Just found out my Grand dad was half Irish and half Chinese.
he is called pat Noodle.
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In reply to Post #605
I'm at the doctors surgery,and they don't know why I have this rather nasty rash on my ********.Guess I'II have to wait for the doctor now,these other patients are f--king clueless.
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In reply to Post #602
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In reply to Post #602
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In reply to Post #602
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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In reply to Post #597
Didn't they also do 'bald headed woman' in the tune of 'more than a woman' Brian?
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Gianfranco Zola says he hates the chelsea ''merry-go-round'' management system.Probably because he's too small to go on it.
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In reply to Post #597
"Cheers for that",can't stop f--king singing it know,played it loud so my daughter and missus could hear and now they are doing my head in with it
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In reply to Post #595
You learn something new every day Brian
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In reply to Post #594
Deirdre. the original joke, as it were, was about deirdre & lorraine.
actually, it was a story given on an old capital radio show spoof of radio 1`s "our tune" i think.
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My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee
Unfortunately Lorraine died.At her funeral he stood up and sang."I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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My girlfriend walked in last night to see me sitting on the sofa, arms crossed.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
I said, "Have you seen the size of that **** you left down the toilet?"
"Sorry, I forgot to flush," she replied. "Is it big?"
"Yes, it's twice the size of my penis!" I said. "I've been asking you for anal for months!"
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When i heard Stephen Hawking had reached 70,I thought,F--k me that's one powerful wheelchair....!!
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Experts have predicted that by 2025 you will be no more than six feet away from an ex Chelsea manager.
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In reply to Post #589
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In reply to Post #1
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
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In reply to Post #587
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Paddy walks into the doctors straight in to the doctors room and boots him right in the knackers and says "thats for telling my wife she's got a nice F@nny"" i told her she had Acute Angina " the doctor replied
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I walked into WH Smiths and asked "do you have that new self help book for men with small cocks?"Girl says "I don't think its in yet."I said"yeah that's the one.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #584
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In reply to Post #581
Some goodens their mate
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In reply to Post #580
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In reply to Post #579
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over.
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Apparently Lady Gaga's developed a nut allergy.
Guess that explains the recent rash on her inner thighs.
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In reply to Post #567
That's brilliant Noj!!!
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In reply to Post #572
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hes a big headed **** aint he
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The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"
"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."
"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
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Cyril Smith accused of abusing kids throughout his career.well I'm sorry,but if you cant outrun that fat c..t you deserved f..king.
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Seeing all those kids on children in need really makes me appreciate how lucky i am.Mine have all grown up and f..ked off.
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My new girlfriend gives ma marks out of ten when we have sex.Last night for example i shoved it right up her a jacksy and she yelled "nine,nine!"
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Getting old is a terrible thing.This morning i went upstairs then forgot why,so i went back down to try to jog my memory......... That's when i $hit myself.
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Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.
I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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An oap is heading down the m1 to visit an old friend, suddenly he receives a phone call from his daughter.
"Dad be careful, I've just heard on the radio there's a nutter driving the wrong way down the m1"
"Not just the one love, there's bloody hundreds of the ****s!"
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In reply to Post #565
Latest football results: Real Madrid - 1 Surreal Madrid - fish
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"After stubbing his cigar in my eye because I wouldn't suck his cock, I hope that ******* Savile rots in hell."
P.Bear, BBC Studios, London.
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Just been to a bestiality orgy.
Every man and his dog was there.
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In reply to Post #558
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In reply to Post #560
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In reply to Post #558
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In reply to Post #559
ADULT SCRABBLE.
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect.
P N E S I
The people who wrote spine became doctors...
The rest are sadly the sort of people that are my friends!.
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In reply to Post #557
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I just got sacked from my new job as a bingo caller.
Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69
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2 interesting facts about me:
firstly, my knob is the same length as three Argos pens
second fact, I'm banned from Argos
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In reply to Post #554
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Horse Racing officials have apologised to Frankie Dettori after a random drug test showed excessively high amounts of testosterone.It appears his blood sample got mixed up with Clare Balding's.
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The wife walked in last night and took her bra off, with a cheeky wink she said "Suck my titties".
"Piss off" I said,
"They've been on the floor"
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In reply to Post #552
There both shocking you fell for that one
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In reply to Post #551
Much
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In reply to Post #550
Is that better Gareth
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In reply to Post #549
Mods i find that last joke deeply offensive and would like it removed please
WE ARE MILLWALL SUPER MILLWALL NO ONE LIKES US WE DON'T CARE
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Snow white arrived home one evening to find her home destroyed by fire.She was especially worried because she'd left all seven dwarves asleep inside.As she scrambled among the wreckage,frantically calling their names,suddenly she heard the cry,"palace for the cup"."Thank goodness",sobbed Snow White.At least Dopey's still alive.
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In reply to Post #543
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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dp
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a$$hole
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Paddy is in a disco, he ask's girl "How about a sh@g" She replies "i'm on my menstrual cycle". "Great" says paddy "i'm on my scooter, i'll follow u home!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #539
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In reply to Post #539
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In reply to Post #539
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An 83 year old gentleman arrived in paris by plane.as he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern french lady asked if he had been to paris before.he admitted he had indeed previously .the lady sarcastically said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir.
The gentleman said i didn't have to show it last time.Impossible!!the woman said,you british have always had to show your passports to get through here.
The man responded by whispering,well when i came ashore on the beach on D day in 1944,i couldn't find any f--king french men to give it too! WEAR YOUR POPPY WITH PRIDE
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In reply to Post #537
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In reply to Post #536
My missus says she wants 5grand. I asks what for?
I want bigger boobs she says.
You don't need 5grand love, all you need is a piece of toilet roll,
Rub it between your boobs I say.
Really will it work?
Course it will, look what its done for your arse.
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Jimmy Savile spots Whitney Houston in Hell."Now then now then Whitney, what are you doing down here?""Something i shouldn't" she said "Too much pure crack in my dressing room.""That's exactly the reason I'm here." he replied.
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John Terry has criticised the chelsea fan who did monkey gestures on Wednesday.
"He added to arch his back more and make his arms longer".
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As my wife lay dead on the floor with the weapon next to her the detective said"do you want to tell me what happened?"l was cleaning it and it went off"i replied "its a f--king bow and arrow sir" He shouted.
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Clive Dunn's death reminds me of one of his catchphrases from Dad's Army:The Germans-they don't like it up em!
At least half of my extensive porn collection would prove this to be untrue.
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In reply to Post #531
hold your wish
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a fairy granted me a wish today , i said "i want to live forever"
the fairy said "sorry , cant do that"
i said " ok then , i want to die when arsenal win the league"
the fairy said " you crafty sod"
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In reply to Post #528
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I absolutely love my wifes @rse.It's not sexy or anything,but everytime i see it,i know she's f--king off
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I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing."Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd."Your thong," I replied with a wink.Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
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Who am i ??
I was all over the tv in the 70s and 80s but i have been largely obscure for the past 25 years.
I am closely linked with music of the 60s.
I am famous for wearing tacky shiny shell suits and sh-t haircuts.
I have been in trouble with the police and despised by the whole country......
And the answer is...............................A Liverpool Fan.
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have you been struggling to make ends meet just now?
Do your outgoings far exceed your income?
Is the cost of this Christmas be coming a f--king big worry?
Well now would be a good time indeed to say Jimmy Savile w@nked you off....
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In reply to Post #523
i thought it was funny,in fact i nicked it and stuck it on facebook some people take things too seriously it was a joke
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In reply to Post #523
thats sick mate
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joke removed,due to lack of adult sense of humour,its only a joke you womble
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In reply to Post #515
breaking news......tropical storm Sandy has now been officially upgraded to 'British Summer'
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I told my wife that the chemistry has gone from our relationship.
She can't get anti-depressants any more and I've run out of Viagra.
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I got so sick of the trick and treaters the other night that i turned out the light and pretended i'm not in.
F--k the ships.My lighthouse,my rules
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I woke up this morning and my wife was getting ready for work.I said,"that blouse is a bit see through and it needs a f--king good ironing",she glared and said, "What blouse?"
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In reply to Post #512
like alot
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In reply to Post #516
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Went to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl brought me a Chelsea shirt, I said I think you misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count.
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In reply to Post #514
The Mayor of New York has said that the Halloween Parade will still go ahead as planned. In fact he says he is expecting a record number of floats
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Mark Clattenburg reported by chelsea for "inappropriate Language" Apparently he called Torres a striker.
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Police have spoken to Freddie starrs 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together
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if Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist remark then chelsea will be left with no option but to make him captain
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I shouted up the stairs to my 10 year old daughter,
"Grab the dirty washing off my bedroom floor, make sure you get it all this time, it's not hard!"
"The sock next to your side of the bed is." she replied.
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In reply to Post #509
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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In reply to Post #508
I think I might have put my clocks back a bit too far. I've just seen on the news that Gary Glitter has been arrested for being a paedophile.
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My mate was in the pub going on about the amazing sex he had last night with his girlfriend.
''Oh,she was a real dirty bitch,wanted it every way"
I well and truely smashed her back doors in.
Unfortunately for him she overheard his boasting whilst making her way back to the table.
''Excuse me love,with a dick that small,it felt more like you were just picking the lock''.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky"...
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Woman finds her hubby in bed with a female midget! furious, she screams 'You promised you wouldn't cheat again!' Husband says 'Can't you see I've cut down
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In reply to Post #501
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Just bought the wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
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In reply to Post #501
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Tony blackburn was invited to a pool party.When he turned up he had Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter with him.The host said to Blackburn,"you deaf b-----d,i said bring a pair of speedos!!"
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Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said "its probably caused by you being a fat b-----d.""how can being fat cause a cold?",she asked.I said,"coz your heads never out of the f---king fridge!!"
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In reply to Post #499
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I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
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The iPad Mini
For when you haven't got enough space in your bag for an iPad but still want to show people that you're a c#%t.
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"you spend far too much time on that computer"
Possibly a bit harsh,but as one of Stephen hawking's closest friends,i felt someone had to tell him.
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My girlfriend got the sack today.
That will teach her for sleeping with her mouth open
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In reply to Post #491
thats a good un
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In reply to Post #493
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In reply to Post #492
text from dog
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In reply to Post #491
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The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
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In reply to Post #488
lol
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I just received a call from an Indian telemarketer.
So I handed the phone to my three year old son and told him that Santa Claus is on the phone. Their conversation has been going on for ages!
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I've been going through some real money troubles. Realising this, my Gran gave me her pearl earrings. "They've been passed down through the generations," she said, "but needs must. "Great. Now I'm broke and I look super gay as well.
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In reply to Post #486
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I was standing in a bar and this little chinese guy comes in the pub,stands next to me and starts drinking.
I said to him "do you know any of those martial arts things like kung fu karate or ju-jitsu? He says "no why the f--k you ask me dat? is it coz i chinese? No i said its because you're drinking my pint you little c--t.
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In reply to Post #477
just spat cheese n crackers at me lap top
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Four words to dread hearing after sex....."howz about that then"
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In reply to Post #482
Ditto
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In reply to Post #474
Just read this one to my wife and she thinks it sums up our relationship - bless her lol
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In reply to Post #480
Picture edited slightly as the swear filter cannot.
but i am sure you get the drift
How many times have we been 'up there without one!'
My work is done here.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I met a girl in the bar one night and after we talked for a while she started rubbing my leg and said wow you are a big lad arnt you ...well i like to think so ......now this girl had the sort of lips that you would imagine her to be able to suck a golf ball through 800 yds of garden hose. I later found out that she was from a showmans family . When we left the pub she said shall we go back to mine for sum fun ...ohhh yess .....i wnet on the dodgems twice the waltzers three times wild mouse twice and spent an hour in the haunted mansion....i was f...ed after all that
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In reply to Post #469
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In reply to Post #477
got my halloween outfit.blonde wig,tracksuit,gold chain and cigar,that should scare the little f--kers
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paddy says 2 Murphy "have u seen the news" 3 cliff walkers have fallen 2 their deaths"!!! unbelievable said Murphy,cant believe they all had the same name
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In reply to Post #474
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My wife being the romantic sort,just sent me a text.........if you are sleeping.....send me your dreams.......if you are laughing.....send me your smile,if you are eating.......send me a bit,if you are drinking.....send me a sip,if you crying ....send me your tears,i love you x...i replied.....l am having a sh-t.What should i do?
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heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night,moaning,groaning & banging the headboard off the wall.
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over,cracked her head & was knocking on wall with her stick for help.........feel a bit guilty about that w--k now!
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Jimmy saville's last request was that after his death his ashes were to be put into an etch-a-sketch so that kids can still fiddle with his kn-b
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Just heard,George Clooney is making a new film about the life of Jimmy Saville,
it's called
"oh she's eleven".....
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The nonce wings in prisons are now referred to as Saville row.
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A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
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After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday there are 2 things you should know..
First her f.... is tight a real struggle to get it in,
second the staff at Madame Tussaud's are real miserable f..k..s with no sense of humour.
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It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Saville in 1963
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In reply to Post #465
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Fifa have asked fans their views on tonights england game being called off...
"Its a disgrace. I've spent hundreds on travel & accomodation and have to get back to england for work in the morning". . . said a poland fan
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The Polish F.A. have found a solution to their water logged pitch....
They've phoned Jordan and asked to borrow one of her Tampax.
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In reply to Post #460
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In reply to Post #460
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In reply to Post #460
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McDonalds are proud to announce their new burger - The McSaville.
84 year old matured meat, sandwiched between 13 year old baps
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In reply to Post #458
splashley
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Perfect pitch conditions for ashley young........Actually have a pool to dive into .
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Two female radio presenters claim that they were groped on air by Dave Lee Travis.
One was asked 'Were you grabbed by the Hairy Cornflake?
'.'No the tits' she replied.
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The first rule of fight club is...Don't be Audley Harrison.
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Michael Jackson= Outlandish clothes and Jewellry.
.Gary Glitter=Outlandish clothes and Jewellry.
.Jimmy Saville=Outlandish clothes and Jewellry
.Mr.T must be ****ting himself.
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In reply to Post #451
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Pope has his annual mot to be informed he has a terminal illness which can be cured-if he has sex with a woman.
He advises his most trusted cardinal that he will do this on 4 conditions
-The woman must be blind so that se cannot see who I am
- She must be deaf so that she cannot hear who I am
-She must be mute so that if she does know who I am she cannot tell
The cardinal looks at the Pope somewhat confused and asks what the 4th condition is
-Big tits, says the Pope.
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In reply to Post #451
only boxer with a cauliflower arse
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Congratulations to Audley Harrison.
He's beaten Katie Price's record for 'most time on your back after being fisted.'
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In reply to Post #449
Right section dodge
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Susan Boyle has jumped to the defence of Jimmy Saville,saying she was on jim,ll fix it when she was 13 and he never touched her....!
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I was lucky enough to appear on several TV programmes when I was a child in the 70's and 80's and I can confirm that none of the presenters tried to molest me.Although Johnny Ball did Reveal All.
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In reply to Post #44
Having the nickname 'Horse' is a sure fire way of getting birds back to mine.
They quickly lose interest however when I stop halfway to have a **** in the middle of the road.
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In reply to Post #6
Two elephants fell off a cliff BOOM BOOM (RIP tommy Cooper)
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I think that Emile Heskey could have played better if he spent more time training and less time endorsing Premier Inn.
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In reply to Post #440
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In reply to Post #440
brilliant ha ha
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In reply to Post #439
Extract from Shades of grey….
He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again.
Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now.
Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!
>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
> "Oh! Okay! park the freaking car yourself you SMUG B!!!!!!!!!"
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In reply to Post #437
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In reply to Post #435
while he had both hands on youre shoulders
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"Rooney to be given armband on Friday."
By next week he's hoping to be able to retreive bricks from the deep end.
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I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice
.Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.
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In reply to Post #432
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When will these Jimmy savile allegations ever end?Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.
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Fifty Shades of Grey Hair.....The missus bought a Paperback
down W H Smith, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left t.t!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
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The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"
"This is my lottery win" said the photographer "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied "two million dollars".
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper "they must have seen you coming!...
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In reply to Post #424
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The police force were having problems getting recruits so they had a recruitment drive. An englishman, scotsman and an irishman went to join. First in was the englishman and the sergeant says tommy if you can answer one question your in. Who killed John F Kennedy. The englishman says Lee Harvey Oswald. Sergeant says your in go through to the back and get your uniform. Next man in is Jock seargeant
asks him who killed JFK. The scotsman says Lee Harvey Oswald. Same thing go through to the back get your uniform. Paddy walks in and the sergeant says we are having problems recruiting for the peelers get this one question right and your in. Who killed John F Kennedy? Paddy looks quizzically and answers I don't know. The sergeant says ok go through to the back and think about it. On the way Paddy meets the englishman and scotsman dressed in police uniform. They say look Paddy we haven't been in the police five minutes and we are on traffic duty. Paddy replies by Jesus I'm not even in yet and I'm on a murder enquiry...
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Condoms don't necessarily guarantee safe sex anymore......a friend of mine was wearing one when he was beaten up by his birds husband.
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In reply to Post #1
Sori guys
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In reply to Post #423
seriously?!?
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When I was a contestant on countdown,
Rachel Riley asked me to pick my numbers.
"Two large and four small please."She said.
"They are, 25,75,6,9,3,8. And the target is 476.
After sitting blankly staring for the 30 seconds.I was asked.
Jamie,what have you got?"
"A hardon." I replied.
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Post 419 has been suppressed because of a offensive/sensitive nature
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In reply to Post #419
84Biglad
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In reply to Post #419
lol!!!
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Paddy & Murphy driving down the road when Paddy say's to Murphy" Stick your head out of the window & tell me if my indicator's working?!
"Murphy sticks his head out & shouts "Yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no......"
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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What do we want ???
Action on Jimmy Saville's sex crimes
When do we want it ??
Now then Now then
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This sexy girl came up to me in a club last night and said, "Why the f**k have you been staring at me for ages with your tongue sticking out?""I was undressing you in my mind," I said, "but I was struggling to take your bra off."
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In reply to Post #415
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just sh.t in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that
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What has two wings and a halo? A Japanese phone. Wing, Wing! HALO?
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Man comes home to find his mate sha..ing his wife so he stabs the f..ker to death ...his wife says "carry on like that and you'll have no mates left
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more scandal for the BBC as someone is now saying they saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird
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Breaking news! A mob of dyslexic parents have just beaten up Jimmy Sommerville
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Now then! Now then! What has jimmy saville and acne got in common ? They both come on a girls face when she's 14....... How's about that then?!
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In reply to Post #407
Sorry mods didnt see the swear word in that joke
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The Pope went to Northern Ireland. He asked Paddy what he thought of County Down, he replied - it's been ***** since Carol Vorderman left.
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I will not have a bad word said about Jimmy Saville. When I was a boy he fixed it for me to go on a camping trip with Gary Glitter.
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The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
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JD Sports are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits..
They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.
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Oops!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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John Reilly was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahea
d of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it....
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old one but still worthy..
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" say
s Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
I kicked her in the face."
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In reply to Post #394
gud un lad!!
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In reply to Post #388
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In reply to Post #394
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In reply to Post #394
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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In reply to Post #391
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Police were called to a cemetery in Leeds last night after local residents reported hearing the sound of clanging metal.Turned out it was just Jimmy Saville turning in his grave.
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Dear Jim
,Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me.
Yours sincerely,
Jeremy Forrest, 30.
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Heres a joke.......
Your vigina should be called jasmine.......
because it always got al-lad-in
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In reply to Post #388
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Whats gareth gates and jeremy forrest got in common??
They both been fu**ed by stammers!
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In reply to Post #386
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What do Rio Ferdinand and Jeremy Forrest have in common?
Both have absolutely fcuk all chance of getting Bale.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fek off, you won't bring it back."
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In reply to Post #382
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In reply to Post #382
FFS.......
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Paddy's wife comes home from work to find he has nailed all her sex toys to the wall she screams you silly fooker paddy i said i wanted a DADO RAIL
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In reply to Post #379
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really like to see your handsome face ." She said James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" Oh please? The girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Really, I can't", He replies. "my wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asks once more time and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into to bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and says, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
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A bra and some jump-leads walked into a bar.The barman says I'm not serving u two! Your off your t.ts and your mate looks like he's gonna start something
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Two eggs boiling in a pan, one egg says to the other.. "I've got a huge crack!" the other egg replies "Stop f...ing teasing me, i'm not hard yet
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In reply to Post #375
fantastic
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In reply to Post #1
Hi, I'm hosting a charity disco and raffle night on the 6th October, to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come then let me know.
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I don't like to blow my own trumpet...but I just can't help myself since I had my bottom ribs removed.
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Sky Sports News Latest - The next 4 weekends of Premier League football are under threat as footballers struck down by a severe outbreak of diarrhoea.
They are all shi**ing themselves over John Terry's whereabouts during his 4 match ban.
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Well, whilst JT now has 4 games to sit out of he's probably gonna be bored....... If I was a Chelsea player i'd be making sure my wife/girlfriend goes overboard on the sunbeds and fake tan, he's less likely to be interested then
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In reply to Post #369
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In reply to Post #369
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A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
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In reply to Post #364
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For some reeson,
I've never yet won a gaim of skrabel.
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I got a rash after tipping a can of lager into my wife's fanny and then lapping it out.
The doctor's advised me against ***** drinking.
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In reply to Post #364
i wouldnt think her fannys that tight
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After sha**ing Cheryl Cole yesterday, I think there are two things you should know..
First, her fanny is tight as f**k, a real struggle to get in.
Second the staff at Madame Tussauds are miserable f**kers with no sense of humour.
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Whilst sha**ing my wife last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, "It's like f**king an inflatable sex doll."She looked at me completely shocked.
"You're not helping yourself here." I said.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
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In reply to Post #1
I came home to find my Thai wife shagging the postman.
He was bent over the kitchen table with the tears streaming down his cheeks.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!!!
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In reply to Post #354
belter!!
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"Scientists reveal there are fewer than one hundred adult cod in the whole North Sea."
Clearly the Cod population has taken a battering...
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It's a good job Apple didn't invent bread.
They'd ruin the person that first sliced it.
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In reply to Post #354
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An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
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In reply to Post #352
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In reply to Post #351
Me and my flat chested wife went to a marriage guidance councellor. The bloke asked me what seems to be the problem, to which I replied "Dolly Parton here thinks I am too sarcastic".
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Q ~ Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A ~ The wife will always blow your bonus
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In reply to Post #349
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My wife started flashing her nipples trying to get into a club.
I shouted, "For ****'s sake, love, pull your skirt down!"
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In reply to Post #344
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I phoned a Chinese restaurant last night and the man said,"Hello, I'm Wan King the chef:L" I said,"No worries, I'll call back later
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In reply to Post #344
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Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 days. Why don't you answer the phone? Girl replies, those are Our opening times you tw@t
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A midget woman goes to the doctors and complains Dr I have a very itchy fanny". the doctor inspects and says," Duhhh It's the fur on top of your ugg boots!!"
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In reply to Post #339
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In reply to Post #334
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couple of crackers there ian
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Man goes to Marks & Spencers to buy her wife a maternity bra.... Shop assistant asks "What bust?". Man says "The f.....g condom
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Wife buys some crotchless undies.. puts her leg up on sofa and says to hubby "'want some of this?" hubby replies "f..k off! Look what it's done to your knickers
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In reply to Post #334
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In reply to Post #334
I told the wife to read this one, she did then said "was it his brother or something?"
Bless her............Blonde & all that
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lv just been down my garden and saw my dog shagging a cabbage silly ba....d must have thought it was a collie
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race Evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."!!
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'The guy left. A few days later, the same guy....'How long before I can get a haircut?'The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How lo
ng before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .The guy left.The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back. 'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves? 'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'!!
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"A Vodka Martini please mate," I said as I pushed my way in front of two massive women in the cocktail bar."That's very rude!" one of them said, "Just for that you can buy ours! That'll be two margaritas.""And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cu*ts please."
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Two couples on holiday, and husbands Paul and Dave decide to try and get their ladies to wife swap. Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her time of the month so he's got one up on Dave. They agree that at breakfast they'll tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged the other's missus. Next morning Paul grins and taps twice, looks across at Dave who smiles then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella!
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In reply to Post #325
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In reply to Post #324
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In reply to Post #327
haha i like that
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In reply to Post #324
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In reply to Post #326
What's a good friendship and a nice sandwich got in common? both completely ruined once you put your penis in it
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In reply to Post #322
haaaaaaaaaaa
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3 woman sat drinking& talking about sexy pet names they have for their husbands.
1st one says, I call mine, The dentist because he knows how to drill and fill me.
2nd one says,I call mine, the miner, cause of his long dark shaft.
3rd one says, I call mine, the postman. The other 2 woman smile and ask why? She replys, cause his sacks are always full, he takes ages to come & if he can't deliver at the front, he'll try round the back!
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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her!
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In reply to Post #322
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In reply to Post #318
some crackers their mate
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One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and under the bed she found a bondage-S&M magazine. Highly upset she showed it to her husband.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"
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Man teases his ex-wife's new husband: "So, dude how was the second-hand Stuff?"
New husband: "Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new
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A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time
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Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands Shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a p1ss yesterday, I came three times
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A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.
Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.
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In reply to Post #1
Is not every joke offensive in some way or another ? its not meant to hurt anyone,its just a JOKE !!! its funny and it makes people laugh,it should not be taken seriously
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In reply to Post #313
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When the Pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down.. he said "It's not the same since Carol Vordeman left"..
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he give you the $800 he owes me?”
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Some sl.g was giving me a hand job last night. "You're really good at this," I said, "what's your secret?" "Years of practice," she giggled."You've done this to loads of guys then? I asked."No" came the reply, "my name used to be Derek."
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In reply to Post #309
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A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAF.CKA!".
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Man pinches wife's breasts and says if we firm these up we can get rid of the bra. Wife grabs his penis & says if we firm this up we can get rid of the milkman
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I got in touch with my inner self today.Thats the last time i buy Tesco value toilet roll.
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After 100 years at the bottom of the Atlantic Irish divers were amazed that the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full
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if ever one day you feel down and out and think that life couldn't get any worse..just remember, YOU were once the strongest, fastest little sperm
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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
......
1. Weight-lifting commentator:
'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator:
'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her m
other.'
......
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst:
'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer:
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst:
'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator:
'Julian D1cks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven D1cks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator:
'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too fooking late pal, I've already done the paperwork"
What goes round, comes around
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Apparently Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Yeah, must be a pain in the a..e having random strangers turn up at your door
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"Does this dress make me look slutty?" Asked my girlfriend in the shop changing room.I just rolled my eyes and shared an ironic look with her husband
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In reply to Post #300
Paddy and Murphy go to a fancy dress party
And the theme is emotions
People are dressed as 'rage', fear' and 'happiness'
Paddy is naked apart from having his dick stuck in a Pear
Murphy is also naked with his dick in a bowlful of custard
'So what have you two come as ?' asks someone
Paddy says 'I'm deep in despair'
Murphy says ' I'm fuc@ing disgusted'
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In reply to Post #298
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In reply to Post #298
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Mick Hucknalls been arrested after being caught sha..in a rabbit a police source said he was holding back the ears & singing bunnys 2 tight 2 mention
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In reply to Post #296
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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the
sign? It says, 'Private property - Keep Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball
there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then
walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe
every pr1ck should have two balls
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In reply to Post #288
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In reply to Post #286
quality
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Apparently FIFA 13 is so realistic that if you start a season as Spurs, it's impossible to finish above Arsenal..
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In reply to Post #286
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There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs 5% liked the look , 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence ......
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I called my ex today and she said, "Stop stalking me? I have a restraining order against you which says you aren't allowed within 50 metres of me.""I know. I just thought you might like a game of frisbee later
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Shall we go back to my place, then?" I asked the girl in the bar. "But I hardly know you!" she protested. I stared at her. "You've not been a prostitute for long have you?"
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I thought i'd be nice and buy the wife some lingerie."Thanks honey but this is a girls training bra" she said,"I know", i replied "i was hoping we could re-train yours, they're down to your knee's
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I took a girl back to my flat last night and we done it doggy style all night.We didn't plan it that way, that's just how she passed out.
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A man wanted to have sex with his secretary, he said to her, i will give you 1000 dollar i will throw it on the floor you will bend down and i will be through before you pick it. The woman called her husband on phone and told him about it. The husband says, ask him for 3000 dollar and make sure you pick the money fast before he zips down. After waiting for the wife's call about 1hr the husband calls and asked what hapened? the wife replied. Honey call me back please, The Idiot used Coins!!!
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I'm not exactly saying my mate's good with the women... but put it this way - he's seen more f**cking t**t than John terrys bathroom mirror.
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In reply to Post #283
paul gascoine been spotted in essex with a tin of whiskers
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Sky Reporter "So Peter, What would you be if you weren't a footballer?"..Peter Crouch "A Virgin".
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a thug,a racist,an adulterer and a footballer walk in to a pub.
the barman says,"what can i get you Mr Terry?"
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I have a little Sat nav
It sits there in my car
- A Sat nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are -
I have a little Sat nav
I'll have it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Sat nav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other road user
Has this advanced device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's very fraught
So why don't I just trade it in
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
And makes sure I am fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed
Despite all these advantages
I know I've friends who scoff
The truth is I can't find the way
To turn the damned thing off.
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I was talking to Andy Gray earlier. He told me FIFA 13 is so realistic that when it rains you get to see Sian Masseys nipples through her shirt.
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In reply to Post #278
ah did ya.. classic aint it :D
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In reply to Post #277
I posted that one a while back,still makes me chuckle reading it again though.....
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Text the missus to see what she was up to, she said Gavin from autoglass was injecting his special resin into her crack.. Now i'm not normally a suspicious person, but i've got the car!
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In reply to Post #275
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chinese man rings boss "me no work i sick" boss says "when im sick i fcuk my wife try that" 2hours later chinese man rings back "me better, you got nice house
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Old framer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son,this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i cant dig the field by myself,i know if you were here ,you would help me .
The son writes back;dad don't even think of digging the field because that's were i buried the money i stole.
The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The following day the son wrote again......Now plant your potatoes dad.......its the best i can do from here.
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In reply to Post #269
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A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she has a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of steaming hot dog sh1t over her carpet and says, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog sh1t from your carpet, i will eat what's left" "Well" she says "I hope you are f.....g hungry because the electricity was cut off this morning
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Believe it or not, i do actually have better things to do with my wednesday evenings!
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Robin Van Persie and Wayne rooney will now be known as ... Fatman and Robin
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In reply to Post #263
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In reply to Post #263
Belarusian shot put gold medallist Nadzeya Ostapchuk has tested positive for a banned substance.
Testicles.
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In reply to Post #1
Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell....
it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.
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In reply to Post #261
Paddy buys the new automatic BMW...
He drives the car perfectly well during the day,
but at night it just won't move at all
he tries driving the car at night for a week but still
no luck.
He then furiously calls the BMW dealer,
the technician asks, "Sir, you are sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger Paddy replies, " What do you take for an idiot!!? I use D for the day and N for the night
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In reply to Post #256
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I got a new deodorant today, the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome...
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i,ve been buying a lot of beer recently.....god,i hope i'm not becoming a shopaholic
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my sex change from male to female,went really well yesterday.
It was so successful,i'm still trying to reverse out of the f--king hospital car park.
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In reply to Post #256
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room comple
tely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat
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Apparently Rebecca Adlington's going to retire from swimming and become a wine taster.
She thinks she's got a nose for it.
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In reply to Post #253
sailing results are in ,,,, gb have taken gold .
usa have taken silver. somalia have taken a middle age couple from weymouth ,
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In reply to Post #243
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In reply to Post #238
A pirate walks into a bar and the bar man says I haven't seen you in a long time are you ok.
Pirate says I'm fine gives us a pint. The bar man says how you come by your wooden leg,
Pirate says we ended up in a fire fight with a British frigate in the bay of Biscay a cannon ball took my leg off hence the wooden one. And how did you come by your hook, we boarded a Spanish gallion looking for treasure ended up in a sword fight and had my hand cut of so I got this hook, the bar man says we'll what happened with eye , pirate says we where sailing out of port great flock of segulls overhead and one cr--ped in my eye, hang on says the barman you don't lose an eye because of bird poo. The pirate says it was the first day out with my HOOK.
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In reply to Post #243
Sik, I like that story
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'50 SHADES OF CHAV'
Chapter 1.....
50 shades of Chav."As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His
favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had fcuked his tea up after failing to de- frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ass. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which is rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.
To be continued...
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The phone rings, a woman answers. A pervert,says;"I bet you have a tight hairless ass hole ."Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV; who shall I say is calling
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Q ~ What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A ~ Full
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Husband hires a hit man 2 kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man says I would shoot her just below her left tit. Husband says i want her dead not knee capped
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is it just me or have you noticed how much the chinese swimmers have improved since morcambe bay in 2004 ?
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In reply to Post #243
Kin iphone!!
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In reply to Post #243
Beltin!!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,
' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says,
'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, !
'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Bugger it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WHY DON'T You shut the hell up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
ONLY WHEN HES P1SSED
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #239
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Two married women go to a bar for a girls' night out.
After way too many cocktails, they decide they should walk home.
Stumbling past a graveyard, they both decide they need to pee, and nip in and squat behind some tombstones. They realize they don't have any kleenex for wiping, so one girl takes off her panties, uses them to wipe and throws them away. The other one doesn't want to spoil her exp
ensive matching bra and panty set, so she scratches around in the dark and finds a ribbon from a wreath, which does the job.
After that they make their way home.
The next day, husband No. 1 phones husband No.2. He says "This girls' night out thing has got to stop! Last night my wife came home with no panties on!" Husband No. 2: "That's nothing! My wife came home with a card stuck on her ass that read 'From all of us at the fire station. We'll never forget you!!"
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So Drogba leaves and moves to China. A few weeks later China clean up in the Olympic diving medals. Coinicidence?
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600 million Indians were plunged into darkness today...when the country's main electricity supplier fell off his bike.
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In reply to Post #2
A man walking along Redcar beach trips on an old bottle sticking out the sand ,so he digs it up and gives it a good rub to clean it of suddenly out pops a Genie, many thanks man says the Genie I've been stuck in that bottle for 2 thousand years right I'll be of now, hang on a minute mate says the man you owe me three wishes for letting you out, NoNo mate that only happens in Arabian night tales , still he says you did get me out the bottle I'll give you one wish what would you wish for, I've always want to see America, no problem well go on my magic carpet , the man says know I can't I'm always air sick same on ships always sea sick , look build me a motorway from this beach to New York , the Genie says man that will take me a fortnight, is there anything easier that I might get you, the man says some times I get lonely I could do with a good woman but she must be clever a good cook witty and a good conversationalist in short she has to be PERFECT. The Genie says and what was your first wish again ?
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In reply to Post #236
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Having watched the opening ceremony, I must say...
I've seen better Bond girls.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Susan Boyle has just released her new book .... "50 shaves a day
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I called around to my new girlfriend's place last night with a big bunch of flowers for her. She opened the door, saw the flowers, and dragged me inside. She laid back on the couch, pulled her skirt up, ripped her knickers off and said, "This is for the flowers.""Don't be silly', I replied, 'You must have a vase somewhere
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Last night I was.sat on the edge of the bed pulling of my boxers and the wife said to me....please dont do that to the dogs.
She told me that a small penis doesnt bother her during sex...personally I would rather she didnt have one
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions ". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d*ck."
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In reply to Post #229
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little Johnny is taking a shower
with his mother and says, "Mom,
what are those things on your
chest!?" Unsure of how to reply,
she tells Johnny to ask his dad at
breakfast tomorrow, quite
certain the matter would be
forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The
following morning he asked his
father the same question. His
father, always quick with the
answers, says, "Why Johnny,
those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them
up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and
asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad
comes home from work a few
hours early. Johnny runs out of
the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's
dying!!" His father says, "Calm
down son! Why do you think
Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is
blowing up Mommy's balloons
and she's screaming, "Oh God,
I'm coming
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In reply to Post #227
A African bloke walked into my pub holding a bucket this afternoon.
He handed me the bucket and said,"can you fill this up with water?"
i said; "f--k sake how many miles have you walked for this?"
He said,
"none you cheeky c--t l'm the window cleaner."
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In reply to Post #224
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In reply to Post #224
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In reply to Post #224
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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In reply to Post #222
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My mate tried that new drug meow! meow! it's very good, so far he has had a sleep in front of fire, had a bowl of milk, been for a s..t in his next door's garden Oh and can lick his own balls!!
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In reply to Post #220
**** off ginger or ille tell em the one about your small appendige
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| | | Fozzy | | Posts: 17232 | | | aka Elephant Man | |
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In reply to Post #219
You are to comedy what Ronald McDonald is to the vegan movement
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Im'e not sure who invented the halal meat slicer, but you can bet Abu Hanza had a hand in it !
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I bet Katie Price could find Wally in about five seconds if he had his cock hanging out.
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I pulled up outside a school and said to a young girl, "I'll give you some sweets if you get in the car."She replied, "F**k off dad. You bought the damn Skoda now you have to live with it."
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In reply to Post #215
i rang babe station the other night , a woman answers and says "hi ,what can i do for you , i said
"****ing hide, my wifes coming and ive lost the remote"
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A mosquito landed on my balls...
Hardest decision of my life.
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In reply to Post #213
The Giggle loop
If you remember the series Coupling you will remember Jeff explaining this
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our local flasher was going to retire. but after giving it much thought,has decided to stick it out for a bit longer
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I turned to my mother-in-law and said, "That look really suites you, I wish you'd looked like that twenty years ago."My wife shouted across the room, "What the f... you doing near my mother's coffin?"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #208
went down a treat this cracker
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In reply to Post #208
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I got home from work last night to find my wife missing and a message scrawled across the living room wall in her lipstick:We've got your wife. If you want to see her again do not call the cops. Wait by your phone for our ransom demands!!This is going to cost me a fortune.£7.99 a roll, that fu**ing wallpaper!
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In reply to Post #203
Nice 1 si...
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #205
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In reply to Post #203
Knicked.
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In reply to Post #203
.......
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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renault and ford have joined forcesto create the perfect small car for women,mixing the clio and the taurus they have designed the clitaurus,its comes in pink,the average male car thief wont be able to find it let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a bitch to start in the mornings
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In reply to Post #199
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In reply to Post #194
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Rio Ferdinand has stoked up the furore by endorsing a tweet calling Ashley Cole a 'Choc Ice' - brown on the outside, white on the inside - for supporting John Terry.
I think Rio is forgetting his own mum is white. Does that make her a '99'?.
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After John Terry was acquitted of making racist remarks, Chelsea have confirmed that the million pounds they paid to draft Ron Atkinson in as Duty Magistrate was money well spent.
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In reply to Post #196
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will turn into a proper anti-social ****.
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In reply to Post #194
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In reply to Post #194
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy Im going to eat that pussy when the kids leave. so I m saving him!"
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In reply to Post #192
'Big black dude rapes skinny Eastern European chick'
Pretty much describes my favourite type of porn.
And the Women's Wimbledon Final.
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What an unbelievable acheivement,
first the champions league, now didier drogba has won wimbledon!
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The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.
Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.
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BREAKING NEWS: A fire has broken out in Robin van Persie's North London penthouse.Police suspect Arsene.
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In reply to Post #187
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In reply to Post #187
My mate called round earlier. "I didn't know you had a dog," he said."Yeah, we got him about a week ago. Poor little sod had been abandoned.""Abandoned?" He said, "Who'd abandon a friendly little fella like him?""Makes you wonder doesn't it," I replied, "But some cruel ******* had just left him tied to a post outside the supermarket."
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In reply to Post #186
I rang babe station the other nite,a woman answers and says
"hi sexy what can i do for you"I said fecking hide,my wifes coming and I've lost the remote
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In reply to Post #185
thanks to "50 shades of grey"the wifes kindle now smells like "50 cans of tuna"
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In reply to Post #167
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In reply to Post #180
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In reply to Post #182
The wife crawled into bed last night. I stroked her hair, then worked my way down her body until I was gently rubbing her pussy. We then had passionate sex for 10 minutes.Then, just as I climaxed, I had a realisation.
I live alone with the dog.
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In reply to Post #180
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #180
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I was in Australia with the wife recently, when she was stung right on her downstairs by a wasp,
i phoned a local doctor, who turned out to be a bit of a laid back surfer type,
"Doc, please help me"
"Hey man, what's up?"
"My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up"
"Bummer, dude"
"Cheers Doc, bye"
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In reply to Post #174
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In reply to Post #177
Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother.
Taxi Vader.
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Katie Price has been quoted as saying that 'Megan Fox or Kelly Brook could play her in any film adaptations of her books' as they come across as glamorous peopleIn related news Peter Beardsley has insisted that Brad Pitt play him in his upcoming football biopic
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In reply to Post #175
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England shock. Wayne Rooney has tested positive for a performance enhancing rug.
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I was sat crying on the bus when an old woman came over and asked if I was ok."I've done something really embarrassing," I replied, tears streaming down my face."Aww, it cant be that bad" she frowned, giving me her hankichief."I'm afraid it is," I sniffed, wiping the sh!t off my legs with it.
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In reply to Post #169
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In reply to Post #169
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I went to a fancy dress party and saw a bloke with what looked like a rabbit hanging out of his mouth:"Nice one" I laughed, "you must be Warren.""No mate, I'm Dave" he said, "I've just got a hare-lip."
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Little know fact Danny wellbecks father is a bomb disposal expert called stan
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In reply to Post #167
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In reply to Post #166
A group of blokes, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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My mate just told me that Rodney is dead.RIP Nicholas Lyndhurst.
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the queens corgis are pleased philip is out of hospital
there not getting blamed for pi$$ing on the settee anymore
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My mate does a brilliant bird impression. He takes about 4 fcking hours to get ready for a night out.
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When David Beckham scored for England, all the kids wanted Beckham haircuts. Sorry, Lescott, but I can't see this catching on.
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Joey Barton got attacked outside a Gay nightclub??? those Gay men really dont like c*nts do they!
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Someone just asked Rolf Harris, "Are you that bloke from the 70's who did 'Two Little Boys'?" He replied, "No that was Gary Glitter"
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In reply to Post #158
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Joey Barton was assaulted outside a nightclub in Liverpool last night.Merseyside Police are treating the incident as hilarious.
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Gary Cahill has just gone off with a head injury. Joleon Lescott has just come on with one.
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My wife said I've got no respect for the The Queen. I nearly choked on my swan sandwich.
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In reply to Post #150
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In reply to Post #154
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Did anyone hear the one about the chelsea fan that couldnt get a refund on his man city shirt after chelsea won the champs league??
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In reply to Post #151
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In reply to Post #150
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An Englishman, an Irish man, and a Scotsman have all had the Liverpool job. No wonder the clubs a joke
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If Euro 2012 is being held in Poland, shouldn't England have qualified as co-hosts?
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Me and the wife like to do it doggy style. First I beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.
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Breaking news: Police arrest drunk middle-aged woman screaming "Where are you? Let's be avin' you" outside Paul Lambert's house.
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In reply to Post #146
"Have you ever tried Ethopian food?..."
"no"
"Neither have they"
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In reply to Post #145
My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"
I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."
"I don't ****ing believe you!" he shouted.
"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"
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My girlfriend said "No more going to the strip club with your mates.... I've decided to strip for you right here in our flat"
I said "Great! ...... I'll call the boys and tell them to bring beer"
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In reply to Post #131
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I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"
"Then."
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In reply to Post #141
Turns out John Terry didn't sleep with Bridge's ex after all, someone else did and he just took the credit
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In reply to Post #140
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Didier Drogba has confirmed that he is to leave Chelsea when his contract ends and is rumoured to be heading to China next month... The Chinese Olympic diving coach, Zhou Jihong, says he'll be a welcome addition to his squad for the summer games.
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In reply to Post #138
John Terry is going to his daughter's sports day tomorrow...he's wearing his PE kit incase she wins
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I've decided to take the John Terry approach to dinner tonight.I'm going to put on my chef hat to serve up the Sunday roast after my Mum spent all day cooking it.
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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In reply to Post #132
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In reply to Post #134
The omens were not good for Munich from the start. I mean they did kick off at 1945.
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In reply to Post #131
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Beware ebay scam....just bought a penis enlarger and received a magnifying glass with the instructions...DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT
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Liverpool have appointed Ken Dodd as their new manager so they dont have to change the initials on the tracksuit.
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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A bloke's wife is feeling adventurous and suggests they go to a strip club.
When the couple arrive at a club the doorman says "hi dave".
"how does he know you?" asks dave's wife.
"He's on my darts team" he replies.
As they go inside the barman says "hi dave, the usual?".
Before his wife pipes up he explains he drinks in the local so knows his usual tipple.
They take their seat when suddenly a dancer waves and yells "private dance in the back room dave?"..
With that his wife storms out before he can explain, he chases her out of the door and hails a taxi..
As the couple get in the cab driver turns around and says "****ing hell dave, you've pulled a right ****ing dog this week!"
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How do you get a cork back in a champagne bottle?
Ask a Man u fan.
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Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing 
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There's a lot of man utd fans feeling blue today. Not because they lost the league, because they now support city.
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In reply to Post #125
Quality
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In reply to Post #123
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In reply to Post #124
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
... ... 'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar
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In reply to Post #123
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the **** have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."
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Ann Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel for women... now when their man goes down, he can have a bevvy as well..!
Anti-drink campaigners, however, want it banned amid fears of 24 hour m1nge drinking......
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In reply to Post #1
A big ole bird goes to the doc's and says "doc i've got a lump in each boob?"
.....Doc reply's " its you knee's love!!"
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In reply to Post #119
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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Give a man a fish, and he'll feed his family for a day.
Give him a fishing rod, and he'll **** off for the whole weekend.
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In reply to Post #1
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In reply to Post #116
My mate set me up on a blind date....
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right bloody idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!!!!!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The lady next door came to my door asking if I knew anything about her washing missing from her clothes line.I almost sh.t her pants
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In reply to Post #114
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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!
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In reply to Post #111
After our divorce i killed the wife and dumped her body but kept her *****. my new girlfriend hasn't a clue when i say im going upstairs to have a go on the ex box
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In reply to Post #110
Stephen hawking just came back from his first date in years!His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. apparently she stood him up!
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In reply to Post #109
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman, its very rewarding and the sex is great but its also very challenging. It took me ages to get her husbands voice right!!
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In reply to Post #108
I have been arrested for wasting police time, i thought i saw a kangaroo in my garden!! but it turned out to just be the neighbours grey hound taking a crap.
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In reply to Post #107
the village idiot gets pulled by the old bill while driving his horse box
where you going , asks the copper
taking my horses to the races , says the idiot
the old bill looks in the box and sees its empty and says , theres nothing in there
i know says the idiot , im taking the non runners first
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My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday.
l was so f--king angry!
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers??
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In reply to Post #102
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I've got this magical cow that can talk. I keep it outside most of the time, but sometimes you can hear it saying some hilarious things,Like 'Let me in, for God's sake, I'm your wife
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I found my girlfriend dead in the bed the other day. She just lay there lifeless, so I deceided to s.ag her one last time. All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!!! Honestly some people are sick in the fcuking head
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I looked on the roof of the supermarket today, to see a fat chick standing up there."What are you doing?" I shouted up to her."I'm sick of being teased about my weight!" She cried. "I'm killing my self.""Come on, there's kids round," I replied. "And they'll start singing fcuking Humpty Dumpty
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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This chap went to India for a cheap penis extension operation.The surgeon said, "I can fit you with a baby elephant's trunk for 3000 pounds.""Excellent," said the chap. "Go ahead."6 weeks later he's having dinner with his new girlfriend when his new cock shoots out of his trousers, steals an apple off the table and disappears back inside his trousers."That was amazing," said his girlfriend. "Can you do it again?""Sorry," he said, "I don't think my ar.e could manage another apple
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In reply to Post #99
sik by name
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In reply to Post #99
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I said, "Gran, I think this milk is off."She said,
Well, it's been along time since anyone sucked my nipples
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In reply to Post #97
Went swimming the other day and while at the deep end I decided to have a cheeky Piss.
Unfortunatly the life guard spotted me and I tell you what.
He blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in
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A guy walks into a bar and drinks ten pints of lager, then he says to the barman "Do you sell shorts?". Barman says "Of course we do." Good" he says, "Gimme a pair cause I just pissed myself!"
Guy walks into a bar and says "Can I have a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps?" Barman says "Sorry, we've only got plane."
Bloke sat at a table in the pub enjoying a nice pint of bitter. Woman walks over to him, puts her bum over his glass and farts into it, she casually walks away back to the bar. Bloke goes over to her and says "You fart in my Whitbread?" "No" she says, "I'm Tessa Sanderson".
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What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? The pickpocket spends his time snatching watches.
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Snow....Gods way of saying "stay in and save your petrol because its too ****ing expensive"
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Wikipedia has printed the following clarification :-
James Cameron is a man who directed a film about a captain steering his ship inexorably towards disaster
David Cameron is an English Prime Minister
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FOR SALE - 5 million shares in The British Jerry Can Co
Applications to Francis Maude, House of Commons, Westminster
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In reply to Post #1
My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences...
She failed to worship me.
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Our Grandad died of a Viagra overdose.
To this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.
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In reply to Post #83
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In reply to Post #83
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In reply to Post #87
the village idiot decides to sell his car , so his mate says to him
"before you sell it , wind the clock back a bit"
good idea says the idiot.
he sees him a few days later and asks him how he got on.
he says ive decided to keep it now , its only done 7000 miles
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In reply to Post #86
Wayne Rooney went to see Fabrice Muamba in hospital...."it was amazing to see him, and he even strung a sentence together" said Fabrice
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In reply to Post #85
mods.......thats a lot worse than mine!!!!!!
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In reply to Post #83
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 | | |
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When he thankfully regained consciousness, fabrice muamba asked about the football results. On being told that Torres had scored twice he replied 'bloody hell! How long was I out for?!?'
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In reply to Post #80
Predictive texting is for aunts!
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R.I.P. Jocky Wilson - not only a great darts player, but a great singer.I loved Reet Petite.
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In reply to Post #75
Being told that there is a cure for dyslexia is music to my arse
Fantastic.
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In reply to Post #1
What's hard, black and makes Tulisa look incompetent?
A microphone.
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In reply to Post #75
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an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub . . . .
the landlord turns round and says ''is this a joke!''
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In reply to Post #74
Being told that there is a cure for dyslexia is music to my arse
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Well if you cant take the piss out of women, ethnic minorities, vertically challenged, horizontally challenged or people of an obverse sexual polarity thats the local STD clinic fecked then
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In reply to Post #71
I agree the problem is most funny jokes are near the knuckle, I think it should be removed
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In reply to Post #70
As a nerd I agree like I said personally the sicker the joke the better in my case but I respect others may find it offensive so I don't post them .near the knuckle jokes great!!!
As has been said its a very fine line between offensive and near knuckle!!
Going to be my last post on the matter but can see the mods removing it before long
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In reply to Post #68
thats not a very funny joke......
the reason why someone who is possibly easily offended reads the joke thread, would be i guess,
to read some funny jokes??
this is a public forum, & there are more than just carp anglers that have access to it.
god forbid their opinion of us should be formed by a thread containing near-the-knuckle jokes.
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In reply to Post #68
you're joking
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In reply to Post #62
As it's a carp forum maybe we should remove all the non-carp section??
The problem with jokes is what is offensive to one is hilarious to someone else. What I fail to understand is why if someone is so easily offended (or a nerd ) do they bother to read it...
Think I'm gonna dip outta this thread in future it's pretty much dead, IMO it should be locked like the old fitty pics thread was...
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In reply to Post #65
Come on guys i didnt mean to come over all heavy and spoil the party!.
When a post has been supressed in the past its been said that the moderators have done so without explanation.I was merely being courteous, and giving the explanation that people often require. 
Carry on the thread, but please keep in mind whats been said, and keep the jokes coming .
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In reply to Post #63
I would also add that to those who don't know me may think I'm a total nerd by the last post .But for those that do will assure you that I am not I hope
Nerd.
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In reply to Post #64
I think it was mine mate...I won't bother in future either
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In reply to Post #62
Is that aimed at me?
Not 1 racist or pedophille joke has came from me at anytime on this forum, adult yes, but certainly not racist or pedophille content.
No more jokes from me guys
Sorry if anyone was offended.
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In reply to Post #62
I would also add that to those who don't know me may think I'm a total nerd by the last post .But for those that do will assure you that I am not I hope.
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In reply to Post #61
As an ex moderater on here it was me who reported the last thread due to the racist jokes.
I think those who are moaning need to realise that this is a carp forum and all members have been asked to refrain from posting jokes that can be deemed offensive.I have a sick sense of humour myself but the jokes I recieve mostly from friends via mobile phone I find could be deemed offensive I don't post here.I do this for various reasons but mostly for the following three¦
It may upset someone.
The moderators have posted asking not to.
But the most important one is I know its wrong.
Any one with half a brain cell should know what may cause offence and I for one don't want people to start saying that carpforum has dropped its standards and is allowing racist and pedophile jokes on its forum.
If you want to read sick jokes then there's plenty of other sites out there
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I was in a nightclub last night & i saw this hot bird across the dancefloor, i beckoned her over with my index finger."Yes, can i help you?" she smiledI said "well I've just made you come with one finger, just think what i could do with my whole hand"
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In reply to Post #58
I was gonna have a right old rant about having a joke removed!! It is what it is...a joke...nobody has died!!! If you think you are going to be possibly offended then don't look in this thread....any person could be offended by any of the jokes here....I'm more offended by some of the prices in the classifieds....what used to be a funny, harmless bit of humour has been spoilt....rant over...goodnight
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In reply to Post #58
if people dont like the jokes in this thread , then maybe they shouldn't read it
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In reply to Post #54
Its a very fine line that people walk on this thread,and a lot more than that joke could be deemed as sick .This makes moderating the thread quite tricky,and to be honest it would be easier to close the thread.
Instead we have put up a post 1000 and hope that the line isnt crossed,so that leaves a couple of options.
If anyone posts joke and you find it offensive, please pm a moderator and we will suppress it .The only other options are individual bans or locking the thread,so please think before posting and hopefully we wont have any issues.
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In reply to Post #54
but very funny
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A bloke phones up his local council office and says, 'I have just raped a fat ginger bird.' The council woman says, 'You should phone the police to confess.' The man replies, 'I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the ****ing lights in the park.'
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In reply to Post #52
your joke is sick mate
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Took the wife dogging last night.. Never again by the time she finìshed parking everyone else had ****ed off.
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.
As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"
She said, "Thirty quid."
I said, "Can you do twenty?"
"Yeah, okay" she replied.
I said, "Great, here's £600 then."
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My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I was chatting to the girl sitting next to me on the train this morning.For some reason, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of her tits
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A new sex study shows the 'doggie style' position is the most used by married couples . Husband sits up and begs. Wife rolls over and plays dead
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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This big girl walked over to me at the bar, lifted her leg up onto my stool and seductively showed me a tattoo that went up her inner thigh.What dya think? She said.My ex had one of them so i dumped her.What? A tattoo?No, i mean a fat belly
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I went to a sex shop and the lady behind the counter said "Hello, the S&M section is just over there."So I nodded my head. I would have thanked her but I had my gimp mask on at the time
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In reply to Post #42
I was watching a film with my little boy. He said "dad, I'm getting scared, is that lady going to die"? I said "probably son, judging by the size of that horses cock"....
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In reply to Post #42
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My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.
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As my wife regained consciousness after a six month coma, the doctor said:
"She's awake sir, you can speak to her."
"Ok" I said, "I'll ask you again, and this time I want the truth... where were you 'til midnight?"
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In reply to Post #39
Travelling on the tube this morning I was eyeing up this fit bird.
she tagged me and said
"What are you looking at"
I replied "8 to 16 years depending on how much you struggle"
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I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, "A meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69!
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To the lady driving in front of me, putting on make-up with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brake.... you're going to make me spill my beer.
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A lorry has arrived in London loaded with barbed wire and wooden posts.................................
turns out to be the Irish Olympic fencing team
i would just like to say that i hope the reference to irish ethnic origin isnt construde as being a racist slur against that great country and its people
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Since January 2011, Fernando Torres has had more managers than goals.
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TEXTING for over 40s
The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the more matured.....
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In!
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To save time and money, Chelsea have sacked their next manager too.
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'Sheffield Wednesday appoint Dave Jones as their new manager.'Sounds like a busy week for him... Considering he died on Wednesday.
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Went to a fancy dress party last weekend as a loaf of bread... f**k me the birds were all over me
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A lottery winner, from London, hassaid he wants to buy west ham, Though he states "I would have chosen abigger club if I had got more than threenumbers".
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In reply to Post #23
No, i wouldnt want my kids wife etc in here.... But thats why its a Forum for members.... Thus keeping my mum from here because she's not part of this social group
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As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition.
"The part's made for you," he said. "They want someone your age, height and build with an accent like yours, and it's being filmed about 5 minutes from your house."
"It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"
"It's a Crimewatch rape reconstruction."
"Erm... No... I'm busy that day..."
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In reply to Post #24
i was surprised that the forum didnt moderate them and allow the thread to continue
We have a busy enough time Moderating the Classifieds as well as the rest of the forum so to spend ages ploughing through toilet humour would not be welcome.
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In reply to Post #23
very true, Ken. i couldnt believe some of the jokes that were posted in this thread. although some of the more dodgy jokes may have been funny, i was surprised that the forum didnt moderate them and allow the thread to continue. it kind of snowballed, up to the point where the whole lot got chopped.
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In reply to Post #6
looks like this threads been ruined now,only decent thing on the forum
Doesn't say a lot for the rest of it then, does it?
Ask yourself this when posting...Would you like your kids, wife, mother or girlfriend to hear it? If the answer is no, then don't post it.
We have young kids as well as women as members so just because YOU don't find something offensive it does not mean that NOBODY is going to take offence.
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In reply to Post #21
You forgot one
What do you call a scouser in a suit ? ..... the accused
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apologies if any been on here before and to any of our scouse friends,
got sent by e-mail and thought i'd share.
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take
that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is
no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and
your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.____
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. ____
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up
to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to
drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort
the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is
£200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bull****ting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' ____
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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teacher says to class "gimme a 10 letter word" a boy says " masturbate" teacher says "ooh that's a mouthful" boy replies "no that's a blow job and that's only 7
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In reply to Post #14
bereaver...
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I opened the curtains this morning and waved to my son."Sir, can you step back so we can get him out," said the midwife
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The guy next door to me is always up late having really loud and rough sex.Kind of makes me happy I don't share my prison cell with anyone
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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Why is regular sex so important to you?" My wife asked me this morning."Imagine not breathing as much as you would like" I replied."Because if I don't get any tonight, that is what will happen to you
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In reply to Post #13
its not a matter of whether anyones offended by it, its up there under Rules/Usage as a forum rule...........
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I did not believe it when my mum told me Davey Jones had died.
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
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In reply to Post #7
didnt mean the racist ones just that nowadays things most people find funny theres always some1 whos offended by something thats just a joke 2 most people
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A guy in cricket whites staggers into A & E with his hand thrust between his legs
whatever happened to you asks the triage nurse as she leads him into a cubicle
hit with a cricket ball says the guy
drop your trousers and jump up onto the bed says the nurse as she goes to fetch the soothing cream
hows that says the nurse as she smothers his knob and goolies in cream
fantastic says the guy but my thumbs still killing me
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In reply to Post #10
hi guys,
i'am at A & E
Just a quick word of warning...........
the Dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is!!!!!!
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I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses.”
I thought that didn’t sound right so I tried again;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese.”
Nope, that still didn’t sound right;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi.”
Ahh **** it I thought;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.
P.S. Send me another one.”
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The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying on the bed licking a lollipop. She then slipped it up her snatch and gave it another lick. I said "careful with that, love. You need it to see the children across the road tomorrow."
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In reply to Post #7
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In reply to Post #6
why? it was only the funny jokes that made the other thread what it was.
it didn't need the racist or offensive jokes to get a laugh, the vast majority of jokes on there had me pissing myself!
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looks like this threads been ruined now,only decent thing on the forum
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In reply to Post #3
It is now
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I've been trying to flush a Flump down the toilet for 3 days now..'it's just taking the piss'
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In reply to Post #2
this thread is a joke
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In reply to Post #1
An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."
I said, "I know he has but at your age you shouldn't really be looking."
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NON Carp stuff