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We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.
Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.
Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
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I had a mate who "batted for the other side" and he was in a gay football league. He was an ardent Wolverhampton Wanderers fan and had their initials tattooed on his buttocks. Every time he went to pick up the soap in the shower, all his mates would go "WoW".
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In reply to Post #2775
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"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!"
I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.
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In reply to Post #2773
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I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that's Heinz sight.
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In reply to Post #2771
Took the wife out for dinner, we played footsie under the table, I had a steak and she got toad in the hole
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One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
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In reply to Post #2769 Good un that
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Just seen pep guardiola doing his weekly shopping.
I thought he’d be a Morrisons person but no, it’s LLLLLDL
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What do you say to a Contry and Western singer?
I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your dog died and your truck broke down!
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In reply to Post #2766
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Took a girl home after working the doors last night.
After a few drinks at mine, we went upstairs & while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope thats not that fat one from last week".
The girl said "What the fook was that?" "I said its that fooking memory foam mattress"
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In reply to Post #2764
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In reply to Post #2762 Pmsl
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BREAKING NEWS :
Man shot in city centre today with a starting pistol.
Police are keeping an open mind but think it may be race related.
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In reply to Post #2760
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A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the Pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Arr, well,” said the Pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Arrrr, well” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of a big fat Albatross flew over. As I looked up, the ******* thing only went and shat in me eye didn't it, Arrrr!”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird ****”
“Arr, bejasus lad it was me first day with this feckin hook!”
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In reply to Post #2756
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In reply to Post #2755 Pmsl
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In reply to Post #2754 Heard that one a long time ago
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A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months:
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him. "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me. 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" 🤣
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
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Some good uns there
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In reply to Post #1 Ive just recently spent my entire life savings on a gender reassignment operation"………………now I haven’t got a sausage
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In reply to Post #2750 Love it lol
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I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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I asked a hundred young housewives,
"What's your favourite shower gel?"
the top answer was,,
WTF are you doing in my shower?
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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time."
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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I got a phone call from the school today to inform me my boy was being expelled,
"why" I asked?
"he's been playing doctors and nurses with a girl", the headmaster replied.
I said,"but all kids do that, it's no reason for expulsion".
"he's removed her bloody appendix"
Oh!
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In reply to Post #2744
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2 carp anglers called Dave and Stuart, are seated either side of a table in a
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er......
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A woman knocked on the door today, She said she was collecting for a local swimming pool and would I like to contribute, so I gave her a bucket of water.
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In reply to Post #2741 sign in a shop window
"We sell everything"
Paddy goes in and asks for a chicken jumper,
salesman says I'll go out the back and check,
comes back a few minutes later with a brown
paper bag, gives it to Paddy and says that will
be £6, Paddy pays and goes out, he stops
and looks into the bag, there is a condom and
nothing else, Paddy storms back into the shop
and says I asked for a chicken jumper, salesman
says sorry sir we are out of them, the closest
we have is a pullover for a cock.
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Dave and Carol came round for an evening of poker,
all was going well till I dropped a card, I went under
the table to pick it up and noticed Carol came commando
(no drawers), after a while we decided to have a break, I
went in to the kitchen followed by Carol, she said did you
see anything you liked under the table, yes I said, she said
you can have it for £50, I agreed and she said come round
Friday afternoon thats when Dave plays golf, Friday came,
she got Rogered I paid and left, Dave came home and asked
did Jim come round this afternoon, she sheepishly said yes,
and did he give you £50, she nodded, oh thats good, he came
by the club this morning to borrow £50 and he would pay it
back today.
Now that's a poker plater.
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Cucumber`s are great for your memory 40 years ago someone shoved one up my m8s bum and he still remembers it
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In reply to Post #2737
True story, once went into Pulse and Cocktails, some weird goings on in the mega store
After laughing at all the outfits, rubber fists, arms and what have you , the one that made me chuckle the most was a brown arse with an hole and two handles on the side, bit like a dinner tray, WTF
Imagine the wife catching you with that under the bed, all of a sudden the dildo looks like a teaspoon
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In reply to Post #2736 Heres 1 for ya Scozza, you can relate to this.
When a girl buys a Vibrator, it's cool, but when a guy buys that FcukMaster 5000 Pro Latex blow up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating pussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic orgasm 7.1 surround sound system, he's a perv, Just don't make sense to me.
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In reply to Post #2735
You be careful Jim having a sense of humour these days
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In reply to Post #2733 Crackers, yeah, thats me, hope your keeping well
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In reply to Post #2733 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, mounted the pavement wiped out 2 fences and a shed, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby buggy. For a second everything went quiet, then the passenger said,
fcuk me your touchy I only tapped you on the shoulder to ask you something,
The driver said today is my first day as a cabbie I've been driving a hearse for the last 12 years.
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In reply to Post #2732 Crackers Jim
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Dear Marge
Yesterday my boyfriend said anal sex could relieve
constipation, I wasn't sure about that but after a long
chat I agreed to give it a go, so, we got down to it, he
shoved his spam ram into the chocolate box and
banged away for what felt like eternity, then he shot
his muck and pulled out, glad that was over, he phoned
me this morning to say it didn't work and he wants to
do it again, what should I do.
Sue Brown, West Yorkshire.
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The village doctor was about to retire and
a much younger doc came to take over, old
doc said come with me on my rounds and
meet some of the patients, in the 1st cottage
the woman complained about stomach pains,
old doc said try to eat less fruit then they left,
young doc said "you didn't examine her" how
did you reach that conclusion, old doc said
when I dropped my pen I saw a lot of banana
skins in the bin, in the next cottage the woman
said she was tired all the time, the young doc said
take it easy, do less for the church, when they
got out side old doc said I know that lady very
well and she is a church warden, but how did
you reach your decision, young doc said when
I dropped my pen I saw the vicar under the bed.
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Two Jewish friends, Cohen and Zachary were chatting and suddenly Cohen blurted out, " I've got something important to tell you, I've just won the lottery and scooped 10 million pounds." "That's wonderful news", said Zach but being a more practical man said, "Yes but what about the begging letters?" Cohen though about it for a moment and replied "Oh yes, I'll still keep on sending those!"
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I went to a seminar recently, and the speaker asked me to name something I was not very good with starting with the letter N.
Spelling I replied
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In reply to Post #2727 better safe than sorry, don't want to get "Banged" up, if you know what I mean.
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In reply to Post #2726 I saw the funny side, I guess others wouldn’t
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In reply to Post #2724 not in good taste.
I will remove.
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In reply to Post #2723
Crackers Jim, nice to see somebody with a sense of humour, jokes seem to be a thing of the past sadly
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In reply to Post #2722
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2 guys in court for dealing drugs for the 1st time, judge says
I'll give you a chance to prove you will not do it again, go out
this weekend and see how many people you can get to stop
taking drugs and I will see you both back here on Monday,
back in court the judge asks the 1st guy what kind of weekend
did you have, he said pretty good I got 17 to stop
taking drugs, judge says thats good how did you do that,
I drew 2 circles 1 small and 1 big, I told them that when you start
taking drugs your brain is the big one and after tacking drugs your
brain is the small one, well done says the judge, then asks the 2nd guy
how about you, he said I got 138 to stop, judge says wow what did
you do, I did the same with 2 circles and told them the small one
is your ass when you go to prison and.....
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A woman stopped me in the street and asked
"do you want to buy a ticket for the police mans ball"
I said sorry luv I don't dance, she said "its a raffle".
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A boy asks his dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
dad says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pound. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pound. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The boy asks his mother. “Mum, if someone gave you a million pound, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then asks his sister, if someone gave you a million pound, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, Definitely!
The boy goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve worked it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million pound, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.
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Was in B&Q earlier on today, and some c*nt in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking…..luckily enough i got the first few punches in
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I was walking the dog today, around a nice country village, and noticed a beautiful cottage with a for sale sign in the garden…… as I was admiring the cottage the current owner came out, and i asked if i could look round……
He replied you look round enough to me you fat tw@t
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I kid asks his mum and dad why they decided to name his sister Teresa. "We'll", replied his dad, "both me and your mother both really love easter and teresa is an anagram of easter". "Anyway, whats with all the questions Alan?"
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In reply to Post #2716 Crackers
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A guy goes to India for a penis transplant, it was
recommended that he has the baby elephant trunk,
a few weeks later he was in a restaurant with
his new girlfriend, he feels a happy movement in his
under crackers, YES, he thinks tonight could be
the night, then all of a sudden his Hampton burst
out of his pants shoots up onto the table takes an
apple and goes back down, WOW says the girl,
can you do that again, yes he says my old chap
can but my arse cant take another apple.
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In reply to Post #2714
I know some people are very worried about the rising cost of petrol, but it doesn't bother me too much as I always just put £30 in ...
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Ive just seen on Sky Sports that Everton cannot sell any tickets whatsoever this season….
They havent been sanctioned, they just cant sell any tickets
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Today I thought I'd go for a game of golf at my local golf club, and a woman playing golf hits me near by
She rushes over to me and I am rolling on the the ground, screaming!! In pain with my hands between my legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve my pain. Since she is a doctor, I agreed, She gently moves my hands to my side, and unzips my zipper and puts her hands inside, She massages me tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
I replied: "It feels great! but I still think my thumb is broken".
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Janet Street Porter goes into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif". The barman says, "I'd seriously doubt it luv!".
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Boy
Mum, is it bad to have a penis?
Mum
No it isn't, why do you ask.
Boy
Dad's upstairs trying to pull his off.
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Responce:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
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After the recent murders of Tony the Tiger, the Honey Monster and the Coco Pop Chimp, police believe that they are looking for a cereal killer!
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I went fishing with Gazza. He gave me a chocolate bar and I ate it. "Oh Gazza", I said, "this taste of coconut". "Oh aye, it's bounty", he replied.
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A young guy starts work in a super store, manager says I'll serve a couple of customers so you get the idea on what to do, he asks a lady "can I help you" she wants a hose pipe, we have 10, 20, or a 30ft, she takes the 30, he says can I interest you in a lawn mower, "why" she asks, your going to water the lawn why not cut it, ok she buys a lawn mower.
He asks a guy the same question, he wants fertiliser, we have 5, 10, or 20KG bags, he buys the 10, when asked about the lawn mower he agrees with the reason and buys one.
Its now the youngsters turn, he asks a woman can I help you, she wants some tampons, he says we have 5, 10 or a 15 pack which one would you like, she takes the 15 pack, the youngster then asks would you like a lawn mower, she says why the hell would I want a lawn mower, he replies well, your weekend is f***** you may as well cut the grass.
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Some Johovah Witnesses knocked on Paddy's door. He said he didn't know there was an accident!
Did you hear about the Jewish Detective who had a tip-off?
I once took my car to a Jewish garage to have it Simonized. When I picked it up a few hours later I found out they had chopped 3 inches off the exhaust pipe!
A dyslexic bloke was wondered around the piste not knowing what to do. He went up to a bloke and said, "I'm confused, am I supposed to zig-zag or is it zag-zig?" "Don't ask me", replied the bloke, "I'm a tobogganist". "Oh, I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please", he replied.
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A woman go's into a bar, throws her arm in the air showing very hairy armpits and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", you could hear a pin drop, the drunk at the other end of the bar shouts "give the ballerina a drink", a while later she does the same again, throws her arm in the air and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", the drunk calls the barman and says give the ballerina a drink, barman whispers to the drunk its your money and your choice but why do you call her a ballerina? drunk replies any woman that throw her legs that high must be a ballerina.
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In reply to Post #2703 3 bloke talking one said the fastest thing must be electricity because you switch the light switch and the light comes on straight away
2nd one says no its got to be sound thats the fastest you open your mouth say something and the sound is instant
the 3rd man say nope your both wrong its got to be Diarrhea thats the fastest
the other 2 laughed and said how do you explain that ?
well last night I woke up in the night with Diarrhea and before I could turn the light on or shout I had **** myself
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In reply to Post #2702 Keir Starmer
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no ******* bike!"...
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In reply to Post #2 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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In reply to Post #2698 Bloke goes to the sperm bank with his wife, they are trying for kids and he can’t get her pregnant. He decides to go for some tests.
Doctor comes over “if you would like to go in the cubicle over there and get me a sample in this bottle we will get It analysed. There are some magazines on the side if you need them”
His wife and the doctor are waiting outside. After 10 minutes of banging and clattering and all kinds of moaning noises his wife knocks on the door “have you done it yet?
“No”he replies “go away and keep quite, I am trying to concentrate”
After another 5 minutes the doctor knocks on the door, “are you alright in there?
Go away he says, I am trying my best, they stood waiting...
After another 5 minutes the door finally flys open and he staggers out of the cubicle dripping in sweat.“Well doctor, i can’t believe this, I’ve had it in my left hand, I’ve had it in my right hand, I have even had it in my mouth, I also trapped it in the gap of the door and I still can’t get the lid off this ****ing bottle
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In Ireland, a young kid sits sobbing his heart out on his doorstep. A man walks past as says "What's the matter child?" "It's me mam", the kid wails "She's just died." "Sweet mother of Jesus, that is bad news" replied the man, "Shall I call a priest?" "No, it's alright" replied the kid, "I'm pretty upset as it is and don't want a sore bum as well!"
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In reply to Post #2683 What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall - “Dam!”
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In reply to Post #2 What’s a fish’s favorite musical instrument? - A bass drum.
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Oxford University commissioned a study to understand why the penis has a bulbous tip. After several years research and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to heighten the sexual pleasure gained by the male.
Not to feel left out, Cambridge University also commissioned a study and after several years and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to heighten the pleasure gained by the female.
The Jocks felt they had to chip in their two pennyworth and commissioned Glasgow University to conduct a study. After several years and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to stop the male from smashing into his forehead!
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In reply to Post #2693 Love it, although I admit had to think about it a few moments
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A women has been married for a few years and visits her mother. During the conversation, she mentioned that there had been some problems "in the bedroom." "I've been married to your father for 30 years and so nothing nothing you say can shock me." she said. "Well" replied the daughter, "he wants to stick it in my other other hole." "That's disgusting" boomed the mother, "I hope you refused." "Oh, of course I did" replied the daughter, "I don't want a houseful of bloody kids!"
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Not the best of drives from Tiger Woods, straight in the rough
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In reply to Post #2690 Or watch this one. An American women is terrified after the Trump election debacle and screams into her phone, priceless!
Heavy Metal Karen
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2689 I've seen a few of his videos. Bloody brilliant. You should check out the one with the angry shoppers...
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Watch this, the funniest thing I've ever seen on YouTube. Two religious nutcases handing down their judgement on Covid 19, while a bloke accompanies it with a heavy metal overlay.
Absolute nutters!
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I had a gay mate who played football in a "pink" league. He was a big Wolverhampton Wanders fan and had their initials tattooed on his buttocks. Every time he dropped the soap in the shower and went to pick it up, all his mates said "WoW!"
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in reply to # 2682
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In reply to Post #2683 Crackers
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My mate just rang me and he has unfortunately caught Covid 19 from his cat....dont ask meow
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A vicar happened to chance upon a young girl walking her dog. "Hello little girl, what's your name?" he enquired. "Rosemary", she replied. "My mummy was going to call me Mary but whilst lying in the garden, a rose petal fell on her tummy with me inside and so she called me Rosemary". "Oh, that's lovely" said the vicar. "And what's your doggies name?" "Porky", she replied. "It's that because he's a little bit fat?" asked the vicar. "No", she replied, "it's because he f*cks pigs!"
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A man with no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
Three women, from England , Wales and Scotland were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said “No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, “No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said,
“'Ave ya ever been f*cked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
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Watched a Bollywood porn movie last night, Come Dan Singh.
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An Indian man has being arrested for assaulting his wife.
Chindda Gudandproppa denies all charges.
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Few days ago I was diagnosed as being colour blind. Didn’t see that coming, came right out of the purple.
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A homo sexual visited the Doctors and said, "I've been a bit promiscuous recently and I've got a sore bum, can you give me anything for it?" The Doctor wrote out a note and handed it to him. As he was walking out the door, the bloke said, "'Ere what's this? Ten pints of lager, vindaloo curry washed down with liver salts. Will that cure it?" "Probably not" replied the Doctor, "but at least it should remind you what your arse should be used for!"
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I was sat in with the careers teacher at school with my parents. "Your son shows no aptitude for his lessons, is constantly late, rude to his teachers and shows no empathy for his fellow pupils" was his assessment of my performance. "As far as jobs go, his career path will be severely limited". "Perhaps he could be a lavatory cleaner?" chipped in my Dad. "Or he could always works on the bins" my Mum said hopefully. "No, I don't think he would suitable" was my teachers honest but brutal reply. "There must be something he could do?" pleaded my father. The teacher sighed and said, "I'm afraid the only option for him is to be a controller at First Bus".
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Wife “will you stop playing with yourself”
Husband “ but the. Doctor said i can touch myself whenever i want”
Wife “NO he never, he said “you may have a stroke at anytime”
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10 years ago today my mate came running in the bar tears streaming down his face shouting" Its a boy " "Its a boy "
We have never been to thailand since .😀
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I got a job at the local pasta factory but only lasted a few days due to me making a fusilli mistakes.
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In reply to Post #2672
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Why can't Trump enter the Whitehouse soon ,
Because it's forbiden
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In reply to Post #1 My therapist told me to write letters to the people i hate then burn them , so , i'm just wondering what to do with the letters now !
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Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I have ever seen
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What do you say to a Country and Western singer?
"Sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your truck broke down and your dog died!"
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The barmen says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve time travelers in here".
A time traveler walks into a pub........
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In reply to Post #2664 I bought a dozen bees from a bee keeper,when I checked i realised he had made a mistake and gave me 13,nice chap said keep it its a free bee.
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2663
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Met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area the other day.
He had a Wigan address.
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https://youtu.be/QMKWmmU63aU
Watch from just before 2 mins
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In reply to Post #2660 That was brilliant 🤣
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Not a joke as such but very funny
LINK
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What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce and a tomato?.
Chicken Caesar salad.
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In reply to Post #2657
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Deliveroo are changing their name
To Deliver flu...
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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What do you call a constipated detective?
....
....
No sh*t sherlock
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In reply to Post #2644
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Took the wife out for a romantic dinner tonight. We played footsie under the table. I had lasagna, she got toad in the hole
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me and the wife sat down for dinner, she nearly choked to death when I told her I put ginger in the curry, Christ.....she loves that cat.
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In reply to Post #2651
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Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pains, doc checks him out and says well I can't find anything wrong, must be the drink, Paddy says ok doc I'll come back when your sober.
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In reply to Post #2649 Gutted as my beloved pet mouse named Elvis died recently due to getting caught in a trap.
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Paddy says to Mick I've just found a pen, is it yours? Mick replies give it here, then writes on a scrap of paper, yes says Mick, it is mine, Paddy says how can you be so sure, Mick says its MY hand writing.
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In reply to Post #2646
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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To the person who stole my glasses....
I will find you....
I have contacts
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2644
Brilliant
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A guy was going into the mental home, he stopped and asked the doctor "how do you judge wether a patient is sane or not" the doc replied "we fill a bath with water and put a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket next to it and ask the patient to empty the bath", ah, I get it, the normal person will choose the bucket, the doc said "no, the normal person will pull the plug, would you like a bed near the window.
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The lad asked me if I’d bring him 6 cans of sprite over and when i was almost there I realised I’d picked 7 up.
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In reply to Post #2639
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A guy goe's to the doctor's complaining about a little bump in the middle of his forehead, Doc say's have you been attacked or had an accident? no replies the guy, doc ask's doe's it hurt?, no, Doc gave him some cream and said if it dosn't go down in a week come back, a week passes and the guy goe's back, look doc it's getting bigger, Mmmm says the doc, its beginning to stick out more, doc says keep applying the cream and I will make some enquiries, another week passes, the guy is back to see the doc, now the bump resembles a sausage, doc says it looks like a very rare complaint called Penisitis which means it will grow to the size of your penis, FFS said the guy, are you telling me every time I have a shave and look in the mirror I'm going to see this cock on my forehead, No said the doc your nuts will be covering your eye's you won't see a thing.
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In reply to Post #2640 I've just finished reading Victoria Beckham's autobiography. It tells about why she denied having a boob job, the real truth about herself and the things most precious in her life. It's called "The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe!"
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In reply to Post #2638 talking about Viagra, my granddad went to the chemist and asked for half a dose of Viagra, the guy behind the counter said sorry we don't sell half measures but why do you only want half? granddad said I don't want a full blown stiffy just enough to stop me p1ssing on my slippers.
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Its been a funny old day today
it started off really well when I found a hat full of money !!
but then I got chased by a loony man with a guitar ?
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In reply to Post #2637 Viagra is just a trade name, now the license has expired you can buy the generic drug Mycoxafloppin.
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I was watching the viagra connect advert earlier, 4.3 million men in the U.K. experience erectile problems?
Looking at 20 million of the fat arsed ugly woman in the UK I can understand why
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The Mrs asked ‘what do i excel in’, wasn’t too impressed when I told her ‘underwear’.
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Angie: Hey Sharon, I don’t feel well, I have a very sore throat.
Sharon: ooo that’s bad, when I have a sore throat I give me old man a blow job and the next day there’s a big improvement, try that, it can’t do any harm.
2 days later
Angie: Hey Sharon, I did wot you said and it doe’s work but your old man didn’t believe it was your idea.
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In reply to Post #2633
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In reply to Post #1 Paddy:why do scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat Murphy :cos if they fall forward they would still be in the boat
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Just been recommended the Adam Ant diet.....
‘Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever’.
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In reply to Post #2630 People are always asking what will you be doing next year....
How do I know it’s not as if I have 2020 vision
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Special thanks to my neighbour who lent me some sheeting to put on the windscreen during this freezing weather.
Ta Pauline.
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What do you call a french man wearing open toe shoes?
Felipe Falope!
Happy Brexit, whoops....Happy New Year!
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In reply to Post #2627 What is a chickens favourite footwear?
Reebok, bok, bok, bokarrr
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In reply to Post #2626 Indeed you do.
Happy Xmas mate.
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In reply to Post #2625 You have to laugh, all in a night out
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In reply to Post #2624
What a lad.
My mate took the bus from the bus station, dropped the lads off at twigg street and as they were getting off asked them for the fare.,...
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In reply to Post #2623 No, different initials. Quite a few years ago now. Its the same lad who drive a JCB on a night out through a supermarket window of a “southern holiday” resort. Quite a character, got sent down
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In reply to Post #2622 Stranglely enough my mate did the same....
Not the same mate is it, couldn’t be, surely?.
Initials of my mate who did that........C.B
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In reply to Post #2619 Good un that
Reminds me of a lad I know who once pinched a coach and did the same, took all his mates home
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In reply to Post #2619
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Skeleton goes into a bar, orders a pint of lager and a mop.
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In reply to Post #2618 A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the shots Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my van at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
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Went to the doctors the other day , he told me to take up a hobby that gets me out of the pub ,
So I started smoking again
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In reply to Post #2615 10 Pinter that
What’s the most popular owl in the world?
Tea towel
Why do they call pirates, pirates?
Cause they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
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In reply to Post #2615
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My son said to me ‘what rhymes with orange’. I said ‘it doesn’t’.
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In reply to Post #2613
Tampax have announced that they are to replace the string with tinsel, but only for the Christmas period.
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Was late the other day on my way to work. Got stuck behind a tractor as the driver was shouting ‘the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is nigh’. I think it was farmer Geddon.
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In reply to Post #2611 Son- Dad why is my sister called Teresa
Dad- Because you’re mum loves Easter - it’s an anagram
Son- Thanks Dad
Dad- No problem Alan
🥊🥊
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In reply to Post #2610
I’m here all week...
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In reply to Post #2609 Now that's better .
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In reply to Post #2608 The letter ‘u’ would appropriately fit in there somewhere.
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In reply to Post #2607 Hmmm
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What goes in and out and stinks of p155?.
Your grandparents doing the Hokey Cokey.
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In reply to Post #2605
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In reply to Post #2604 , i went into the jewellers today and said to the fella , " I've come to buy a watch " , he said analogue , I said no , just the watch
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In reply to Post #2603 That's a bit insensitive, I had to put my dog down today.
Weighed a bloody ton.
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In reply to Post #2602 I went to the dentist today he said say aahhhh , I said why , he said coz my dog died
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In reply to Post #2601 Hold up... Black footballers staying away from football grounds because of racism!
What feck is west hams excuse then cause they have not turned up this season🤣
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2600 You're a wrong 'un ralphy
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In reply to Post #2599 Sorry mate , never saw them , thought you was on about carpypats post from 6years ago 😂
Anyway , what do you call a black man ...............😂
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2598 Peace and love man....
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In reply to Post #2597 Stop being so PC and get you hair cut.
Bloody hippies
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2596 Alright ralphy.
There was a load of posts about offensive jokes and I was putting my pov across.
But... now they've all gone!
Maybe I'm losing my marbles in my old age!
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In reply to Post #2595 Wtf are you on about malster ?
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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Have to say that the mods got it right.
The argument that if people are offended then they shouldn't read the thread just doesn't wash (sorry ralphy). Should black footballers who are offended by racist chants be told they should avoid football grounds? Of course not. If your sister complains some prat felt her bum in a club would you say she shouldn't go clubbing?
It's a public forum and the mods need to regulate accordingly.
If that means you are going to sulk and not post then maybe bit says more about what you find funny than what others find offensive.
Keep the thread going. I often have a good laugh reading it. It's almost as funny as some of magoos posts on the footy thread
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In reply to Post #2593 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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In reply to Post #2548 To the thief that stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now.
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Q. What's the difference between football and Tommy Robinson ?
A. Footballs coming home
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*****s are like ****ing kebabs , you only wanna eat one when you're ****ing piss3d
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In reply to Post #2587 Mate of mine has just got a job at a funeral directors.
He ran up to the owner and said "Hey Boss, that little old lady over there has got a prawn sticking out from between her legs".
The boss went to have a look and said "You stupid sod, that's her clitoris".
"Well it tasted like a prawn" he said.
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The old Guy went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the toilet during the night, then said: I must be blessed, God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm finished", later that day, the doc called the old guys wife and said: "his test results were fine, but he claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the toilet at night,”
wife said “the silly old sod, he’s been peeing in the fridge again”.
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In reply to Post #2586
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In reply to Post #1 Got back from the lake the other day and found my wife in bed with my best friend..
Obviously I kicked her out, I'm not going to stand for it! As for my best friend I sat down with him, looked him straight in the eyes and said 'bad dog'
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In reply to Post #1 My therapist told me that a good way to let go of my anger was to write letters to the people I hate and to burn them.
I did that, and the hereapists suggestion was right, I do feel a lot better.
But now I am wondering if I should I keep the letters?
Tel
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In reply to Post #1 I arrived at the bus stop the other day to find a rather plump lady waiting.
"When's it due"? I asked.
"I'm not pregnant you cheeky git" she replied.
"I meant the bus you fat c*nt" I said.
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In reply to Post #1 A priest was called to perform an exorcism on a chicken coop.
He managed to rid it of a poultrygeist.
Tel
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In reply to Post #1 A friend’s wife asked him what he was doing today.
“Nothing planned” was his reply.
She then reminded him that he had done nothing the previous day.
Quick as a flash he came back with.
“I know. I haven’t finished yet”
Tel
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guy goes into the clinic says "I've got a strawberry up my arse" Doc says I've got some cream for that.
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In reply to Post #2577 Bill & Ben lying in bed.
Bill says "Flibber, flobba, flibber flobba"
Ben says "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"
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In reply to Post #2578
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
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In reply to Post #2576
Tel
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In reply to Post #2575 It's hard to find any good chemistry jokes anymore
All the best Argon
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In reply to Post #2574
Teacher. OK class, when we visited the farm today can you tell me what sounds we heard.
Sarah. I heard Bah Bah.
James. I heard snort snort.
Billy. I heard "get off that f****** tractor"
.
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Donald trump goes to the hospital for a circumcision. The doctor says I can not operate on this man, There's no end to this p#@ck!!
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Mick says to Paddy "why did you name your dogs Rolex & Timex"?
Paddy replied coz there're watch dogs
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I came home from work tonight and the missus says "can I have £5000."
What for I ask her.
She says I want it for a boob job.
You don't need £5000 I said, all you need is a bit of toilet roll. Rub it in between your boobs twice a day and your boobs will be enormous.
Really, she said.
Of course, look what it's done for your arse.
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One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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I hate my insomnia
But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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Handy tip.
When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'
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A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.
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A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.
There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.
The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.
Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.
He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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In reply to Post #2559 Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.
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In reply to Post #2561
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In reply to Post #2560 Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...
Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....
"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."
At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.
Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.
Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...
"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...
"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy
No there's a train coming!!
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Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin
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Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"
Woman replies "why's that"
Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".
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Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.
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In reply to Post #2556 I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.
"google earth"
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In reply to Post #2555 Excellent
Dad theres a bloke at the door with a bald head
Tell him to **** off I've got one
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In reply to Post #2553 Dad , there's a bloke knocking the door with a beard .
Well no wonder I couldn't ****ing hear him.
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In reply to Post #2552
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I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.
So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".
To which he told me to f#ck off.......
Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
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I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".
So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
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I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
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I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"
can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said
no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.
Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
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Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2543
i went to the zoo the other day
all they had was a little oriental sounding dog
it was a shih tzu
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In reply to Post #2546 Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
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A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
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In reply to Post #2543 Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention
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In reply to Post #2543 Brilliant clean fun.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2542 I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"
Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?
Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian
Assistant. ----- I doupt it
Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish
Assistant. ----- Proberly not
Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish
Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Tel
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In reply to Post #2539 What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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An unemployed man went into a job center in Devon and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Enticed by the job title, he went in
and asked the clerk for details of the position.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist .
You have to help the women out of there underwear , lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.
"The annual salary is 125.000 , and if you are interested you will have to travel to Inverness Scotland ".
"Good grief....Is that where the job is?"
"No sir..... that's where the end of the line is for applicants right now.
😂😂
Tel
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Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target. 🎯
From the kitchen wife asks the husband :
"What are u doing?"
Husband : "MISSING YOU DARLING"
👍
Tel
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a 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom, the 7 year old says it's time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast I'll start then you, OK, the 4 year old says yeah OK, they go down and mum says what do you want for breakfast? the 7 year old says Coco pops Bitch, whack, he gets a clout round the head and ends up on the floor, she turns to the 4 year old and says what about you, well it won't be f***ing Coco pops.
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2532
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two cannibal's eating a clown (not me) one turns to the other and says does this taste funny to you?
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In reply to Post #1 Donald trump goes to the hospital for his circumcision. The doctor walks in and says "I cannot operate on this man, there's no end to this *****"
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In reply to Post #2531
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Boy says to mum , I've got the biggest nob at nursery , is it because I'm a scouser , no she replies
It's because you're 28 and a ****ing retard now be a good lad and don't get you're spaghetti hoops
Down you're Liverpool shirt
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If someone tries to assassinate president Trump will his bodyguards shout Donald , Duck
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Kids know far to much these days , today in the doctors waiting room a little girl was playing with
Ken and Barbie dolls imitating the doggy position . I bent down and whispered , you'll end up
With baby dolls if you keep doing that , she replied I don't think so dickhead , he's doing her up
The ar$e
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Got chatting to this bird in a club the other night and she whispered in my ear "fancy coming back to mine , I've got a fanny like a polo " , to right I said .
Got her home and dropped her draws then I gasped , she said you look shocked , I said i thought you meant
The mint , not the ****ing hatchback
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A guy goes in to a pub, he grabs a guy at the bar, sticks a gun up his trumpet and says "who's been shagging my wife"? The barman laughed and said "you don't have enough bullets".
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The wife had her teeth whitened last night, but to be honest I think most of it went on her chin.
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In reply to Post #2522 👍🏼😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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As it is the time of the year.
A little boy asks his mother: "Mom, can I have a puppy for Christmas?"
His mother replies: "You'll have turkey same as everybody else."😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #1 A couple are out shopping before Christmas and get separated in the crowds.
After a while the wife phones the husband to ask where he is.
The husband replies: "Do you remember 5 years ago when were looking in the window of that little jewellers? The one where you saw that beautiful diamond bracelet; and I said that one day in the future, when I could afford it, I would buy it for you."
The wife, choking back the tears replies:
"Oh yes darling, I remember"
"Well" said the husband "I'm in the pub next door 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #1 Seasonal advice - don't drink and drive.
Last night for example, I was out with the lads and had a few pints followed by several whiskies. So I decided it was better to take a bus home. On the way I passed a patrol car stopping all the cars and doing breath tests. Boy was I glad, and I got home safely.
Which was lucky really, because I'd never driven a bus before, and can't remember where I got it from...
Tel
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The wife got out of the shower and said "as a special Christmas treat I've shaved my pussy, you know what that means" I said "yeah the ****ing drain is blocked again".
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Just got a new high tech bed for Christmas, the "Micro wave" type........you get a full nights sleep in 20 minutes
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Years ago I once walked in on my nan giving my grandad a nosh , I was in total shock coz I thought she
Buried it with the rest of him
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Just watched a scouse family on family fortunes , you should have seen there faces when Vernon Kay said you have a chance to steal
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In reply to Post #2517
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paddy spot's a tasty bird with big jugs at a party, he go's over to her and gets her several drinks then asks "do you want to come back to my place so we can make love" she said I would but I'm on my menstrual cycle, paddy says that's ok you go on ahead and I'll follow on my Honda.
O god .....the old ones are still the......old ones......
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In reply to Post #2515
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My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
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The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Another 'best joke of all time'
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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In reply to Post #2507
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What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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In reply to Post #2507
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In reply to Post #2506 A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend carp fishing with his mate.
When he finally got home on Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife!
After two hours she stopped nagging and said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Farmer in a field rounding his sheep up with his dog. Man walks around the corner and says to the farmer, hey farmer, if I can tell you how many sheep you have got in that field in the next 3 seconds can I have one?
Farmer says, Ok then, try it, Man replies, 787.
The farmer astonished, how did you know that, man replies, I'm just good with numbers. Ok mate, fair play, get yourself up the field and get one
The man comes walking down with the hill, the farmer says, Oi, if I can tell you where you come from can I have my sheep back.
Bloke says, yeah, fair play, the farmer replies, Dublin, Southern Ireland. The man replies **** me, how did you know that?
Farmer replies, put the ****ing dog down...
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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Joke of the day
Why We Vote in November :D
Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."
"Why's that?"
"Better selection of turkeys!"
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Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador", "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?', No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear, 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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In reply to Post #2500
Nice one
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95% of scousers admit to having sex in the shower , the other 5% ain't been inside yet .
Alright malster
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In reply to Post #1 hi all. here's my joke of the day:
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me.
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My missus told me she was leaving me because I'm immature and we should set a date so we can talk about the state of our marriage .
She can **** off if she thinks I'm doing that in the middle of the conker season .
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In reply to Post #2494 And yours
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In reply to Post #2493 so doe's yours
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In reply to Post #2490 Yes she does
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In reply to Post #2478 Can't stop laughing, luckyjim
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In reply to Post #2489 PMSL
I had a wife, once lol
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In reply to Post #2489
Sounds like my wife but she doesn't take it up the arse and she's useless with the kids
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In reply to Post #2488 The old bill knocked my door last night holding a picture of my wife, they said " excuse me sir , is this you're wife" , l said "yes" . He replied " I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus " . I said "I know , but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids .
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went to a show the other night, there was a hypnotist, boy he was good, swinging his pocket watch left to right and back again he had 7 guys under his spell in no time, as he turned to the audience he stumbled and dropped the watch, it broke into a thousand pieces, as he bent down to pick up the bits he said f*** me and what I saw in the next 5 minutes will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home, feeling well randy and full of confidence he leans his hand on the wall and says "darling will you give me a blowjob"
"no my parents will see us"
"oh come on who's gonna see us at this hour"
"no, can you imagine if we get caught"
"oh come on they're all asleep"
"no its just too risky"
"please please I love you so much"
"I love you too but I just can't "
"I beg you"
then the landing light goes on and the girls sister comes down the stairs, in a sleepy voice says "dad says give him a blowjob, or I can do it, or if need be he'll do it but for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"
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| mal | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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Jack Wiltshire has fallen out of the transfer window and will be out for four months
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Mick O'Reilly raised his beer glass and said "here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me lovely wife", he won the best toast of the night, went home and told the wife, aye did you now, what was the toast? "here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife", next day the wife bumps into one of Mick's drinking pals, hello Mary he chuckles I see Mick won the best toast of the night and it was about you, yes she said though I'm a bit surprised he's only been in there twice in the last 4 years, the first time I had to pull his ear to make him come and the second he fell asleep.
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Paddy is holding down a good job at The Natural History museum then one day a Yank said hey buddy what is that? paddy replied that boss is a Mammoth it's very old, really, how old is it? this one is 4 million years 8 months, Wow said the yank, how can they get the age so accurate? well said paddy it was 4 million years old when I got the job and I've been hear 8 months now.
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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In reply to Post #2480 brill
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Went to my first Isis birthday party today , musical chairs was a bit slow but **** me pass the parcel weren't half quick .
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My neighbor just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line ,
**** me , I nearly sh1t her pants
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A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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In reply to Post #2 A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!
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In reply to Post #1 My missus left me because of my obsession with the footy , bitch , we'd been together ten seasons
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In reply to Post #2473 Paddy opens Micks fridge and asks him why he keeps a empty bottle of milk in their.
In case somebody wants a black coffe you thick **** was his reply
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In reply to Post #2472 I met our postman at the gate the other day, I don't know what surprised him more, the fact that I was naked or the fact that I knew where he lived
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Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
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In reply to Post #2470 There's an Englishman , Irishman ,Scotsman and normally a Welshman but he's still in France
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In reply to Post #2469 Word has it that the Welsh have found another use for their sheep. .....it's called wool.
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In reply to Post #2466
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Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"
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In reply to Post #2466 boom boom ......boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
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A blokes fat wife walks into the kitchen and says , didn't you just hear me fall down the stairs ?
He says , sorry love , I thought you were watching the start of east Enders
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2 girls at the cinema watching a film.......after a while one girl turns to the other and says ere the bloke next to me is playing wiv imself..........oh just ignore him..........I can't he's using my hand.
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A daughter asked her mother, "how do you spell 'scrotum'?" mum replied, " you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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In reply to Post #2461 my sister had big problems being a kleptomaniac , when it was too much for her she would take something for it.
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In reply to Post #2460 Thinking of selling my hoover, its just collecting dust.
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In reply to Post #2459
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I said to my missus this morning , you look just like a saint "
She said , "ohh , do I really "
I said yeah, a ****ing Saint Bernard
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In reply to Post #2456
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In reply to Post #2456 Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading This..
You hang in there......
Tel
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How unlucky is my mate , he went in hospital today to have his tonsils out and some ****er turned the trolley round
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Last year my wife ran away with the neighbour.
I still miss him.
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Billy said to Johnny like your new phone, yeah said Johnny you’ll never guess how I got it, I came home early from Sunday school and caught mum and dad at it like rabbits so they bought me the phone to stay the full session you should try it, yeah says Billy I’ll give it a go, the next Sunday Billy go’s home early and catches his parents at it doggy fashion, as he stood in the doorway his dad says OH hello Billy what do you want? I wanna watch, ok son come in and sit over there.
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In reply to Post #2452 Well it made me chuckle when I had it arrive on my phone, almost as much as reading the football thread on here😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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In reply to Post #2449 That's quality
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In reply to Post #2449
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In reply to Post #2449
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In reply to Post #1 Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
The next quote is, “I had a dream!”
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”
“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”
“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “bloody Asians!”
“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”
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In reply to Post #2447
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In reply to Post #1 Two blokes walking through a jungle when they see a crocodile with a blokes head sticking out of its mouth. One says to his mate, look at that flash barsteward hes only got a lacoste sleeping bag
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Mick goes in to a flag shop to get a flag for the queen's birthday, bejazzus oy'll have a green union jack says Mick, the assistant is in tears with laughter and says they are red,white and blue, OK says Mick oy'll have a blue one
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In reply to Post #2442
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In reply to Post #2443
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Paddy gets the sack for doing the worst bricklaying on the site, he says to the gaffer I have a wife and 4 kids to support please keep me on, I can't afford to says the gaffer, OK OK says Paddy if I show you a wall that is worse than that will you keep me on? yeah ok I suppose so, Paddy shows him a wall that is pissed in every direction, jeeeeze says the gaffer that's really bad you can keep your job, oh thanks boss, by the way says the boss who did that? Paddy says I did.......
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Bloke next door , who I don't like asked how many rolls of wallpaper I bought for my lounge .
Twelve , I replied .
Next time I saw him he said , I got twelve and had six left over.
I said , so did I
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In reply to Post #1 Women are like parking spaces. When all the good ones are gone and when no one's looking, stick it in a disabled one.
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In reply to Post #2439 Wah - that censor thing works a bit too well!
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In reply to Post #2431 I was born in S****horpe - the joke about Tony will never be as bad as the joke about S****horpe - that always seemed to appear on the inside of the loo doors.
If Typhoo put the T in Britain - Who put the **** in S****horpe.
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In reply to Post #2437
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In reply to Post #1 Saw this in a local paper!!!!
"This is Lexi. She's an 14-week-old German Shepherd.
I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2434 And was he ?
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In reply to Post #1 As jesus was nailed to the cross, he looked down on his diciples and said...........don't ****ing touch my easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday!
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In reply to Post #2429
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In reply to Post #2430 I'm surprised they didn't call you sirry ****
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In reply to Post #2430
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In reply to Post #2429 I think I did get it really
When I worked in China - they called me Toe Lee
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In reply to Post #2428
What do you call a man with no shins................................................
TOE........KNEE = Tony!!!
not Tony59
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In reply to Post #2417 I don't get it....
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What's the difference between three cocks and a joke .?
You're mum can't take a joke
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A three foot midget go's into the gent's public toilet and points Percy to the porcelain, in walked a giant of a man with a twitch, after a minute or so the big guy looked down to the little guy and said isn't it funny you have the same affliction as me, the little guy looked up and said "affliction be buggered, every time you twitch you keep pissing in my ear".
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In reply to Post #2423
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In reply to Post #2423
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In reply to Post #1
Q. Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?.
A. Your wIfe will always "blow" your bonus!!
Tel
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All the following spoken in a west country farmers voice
Farmer Brown!
Yes farmer piles Giles
I hear you have a very rare pig, the same as me,
That's right I do, why do you ask?
If we get them together to mate, their offspring will earn us a fortune,
Right, mine is a male so to conserve his energy for the boncking session you bring your girl over to my farm in the morning
farmer Giles put her in a wheel barrow and off they go,
the deed was done
next morning
is she up the duff?
how do I tell?
she will be laying on her back with two feet in the air.
Oh no she's standing.
ok bring her back in the morning.
this go's on for a week
on the last day
is she laying on her back.....
No!
what's she doing
she's in the wheel barrow with a big grin on her face.
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#2421 26 Feb 2016 at 7.50pm | | |