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Joke Thread
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elltell

Posts: 1547

#2270 7 Apr 2015 at 10.05pm

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home . As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door , the guy starts feeling horny . With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling , he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's to risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you...."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on , and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled , and in a sleepy voice,

she says :

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it...or if need be mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Tel

benjcarper

Posts: 9

#2269 6 Apr 2015 at 6.32am

In reply to Post #1
I love a good summertime water fight with the neighbourhood kids me and my kettle always win

ralph69

Posts: 10397

#2268 5 Apr 2015 at 8.40pm

In reply to Post #2265

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2267 5 Apr 2015 at 8.24pm

I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs so I called the RSPCA.

"That's terrible", the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not really sure, but it would explain the suitcase."

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2266 5 Apr 2015 at 8.21pm

The wife accused me of ruining her Birthday yesterday. "********" I said I didn't even know it was your Birthday.
Tel

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2265 5 Apr 2015 at 9.34am

A Japanese couple are arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex
Husband " Sukitaki"
Mojitaka!

"Wife replies : " Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!

Husband says angrily : " Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees , literally begging "Mimi
nakondinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

Now I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this you don't understand any Japanese .
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex

Tel

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2264 4 Apr 2015 at 5.01pm

A family from the south traveled north to a wedding reception, the sleeping arrangements were a bit tricky and left a 30 year old man and his dad sharing a double bed, after the bash most were drunk and went to bed, in the early hours the dad starts moving around and disturbing his son, whats a matter dad? oh I'm feeling a bit horny and I've a throbbing hard on so I'm gonna see yer mom and give her a right good portion, well you better take me with you it's my cock yer holding

ralph69

Posts: 10397

#2263 3 Apr 2015 at 9.11pm

In reply to Post #2261

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2262 3 Apr 2015 at 7.51am

In reply to Post #2261
Excellent

Tel

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2261 2 Apr 2015 at 5.40pm

Two guys in the maternity waiting room, the nurse comes in....Mr Wilson you are the father of a lovely girl, 5lb 4oz , well done mate said the other guy, the nurse comes back....Mr Smith you are the father of a big boy 8lb 6oz, Yeees shouts Smiffy built like a chimney stack, nurse comes back....its twins you have another boy 7lb 10oz oh yeah built like a chimney stack, nurse returns again Mr Smith its triplets this one is 7lb 4oz....eeeeha shouts Smiffy built like a chimney stack me, nurse says yeah well you better get it swept they're all black

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2260 31 Mar 2015 at 5.03am

Diarrhoea is hereditory it runs in your jean's !

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2259 29 Mar 2015 at 7.20am

I was staggering home from the pub the other night, and decided to take a short cut through the park. A woman came up to me in the shadows, and said "Fancy a shag luv"? Only twenty quid"

Well, I was drunk, I'd never been with a tart before, and it was only twenty quid, so I said yes.We were just getting into our stride when all of a sudden there was a flash of torch light and a cop's voice said "What's going on here, then?"

"I was just making love to my wife, Officer", I replied

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise" said the cop

"Neither did I until you shone your torch in her face!"

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2258 29 Mar 2015 at 5.41am

Spanish Maid
The Spanish maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Se�ora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Se�ora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2257 29 Mar 2015 at 5.36am

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
This house is �289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no
Way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
Door with a suitcase
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night
And heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
�289,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike.

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1547

#2256 28 Mar 2015 at 11.50am

In reply to Post #2255

Tel


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