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Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Liverpool scarf.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Manc fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Mancs."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now F**K OFF!!"
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In reply to Post #867
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Female weightlifter goes to the doctor" i've been taking steroids & seem to have grown a cock".
"Anabolic" asks the Dr.
"No just a cock" says the woman.
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In reply to Post #864
 
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In reply to Post #864
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The reason Alex Ferguson chews so much gum is that after sucking off all the officials before the match starts, old whiskey nose then has to spend the rest of the game getting the taste out of his mouth.
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In reply to Post #861
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I was watching the undateables last night and there was a blonde girl on it who due to a stroke a few years ago,now struggles to talk and start conversation.
Undateable? She's perfect.
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The missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits.
She returned home relieved to be told it was her belly botton
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LFC have decided to appeal the 2 red cards Howard Webb will give them against Man Utd on Sunday.
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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone."its what he would have wanted"!!
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In reply to Post #857
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What's the difference between my wife and a cart horse?
The horse doesn't kick when you whack your load on its back.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to showit to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!
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