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I came back from town to find my grandah sitting in the garden bollock naked from the waist down ........ so I asked him .... grandah what the f#ck you doing... get back into the house .....
he replied ..... well son I was sitting out here yesterday with nae shirt on and I got a stiff neck ......
so today .... this is yer grannys idea .
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Today at the gym ... i found a hole in my trainer ...
big enough to put my finger in ..
she has made a formal complaint .... and im now banned fae the gym .. 
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the misses said tae me ...
How do you never pull a cracker at Christmas ?
...
dunno I replied .. must be the ***** aftershave yae buy me every year
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I went tae the local club last night ....
they played the twist ... I done the twist ...
they played ' jump around .. I jumped around
they played ' come on eileen .......
ehhh I got kicked oot and barred for that one
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I went tae the hospital wae a toilet brush stuck up my arse ...
what happened here sir .. asked the doctor ...
well pal .. i met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ...
ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things ???
naw pal i said ... ma f#ckin wife was hame
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In reply to Post #2058
Got my first Xmas card today from the Tourette's society.
Wasn't anything special,but it's the thought that ****s
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In reply to Post #2057
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I did not know Britain had begun a new space mission.
"Hello Euston, this is Apollo. The ceiling has landed."
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In reply to Post #2055
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'Hello, Is this the Police Station?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve police officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, jack pal". Lol.
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I bumped into an old school friend today.He started talking about his well paid job,and his expensive sports car,then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,"she's beautiful,isn't she?"I said,"if you think she's beautiful,you should see my wife!"
He said,"Why is she a stunner?"
I said, "no,she a f**king optician!"
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I went to my premature ejaculation support group meeting today.But it turns out its tomorrow.
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The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty....I watched all 50 minutes of it and didn't see her once! She's still not home and I'm getting hungry!!
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In reply to Post #2049
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In reply to Post #2049
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NON Carp stuff