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catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1777 28 May 2013 at 4.06pm  0  Login    Register
I was watching football when the wife sat beside me,stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered,"fancy a ****?"
I said, "you're after something" "No i'm not," she protested.
"Yes you are,"i said. "You're after match of the day.Come back in an hour.
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2213
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #1776 27 May 2013 at 6.51pm  0  Login    Register
I met a bloke from Oklahoma this morning.

In my garden.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1775 27 May 2013 at 1.52pm  0  Login    Register
Lionel Richie is to be opening a kebab shop just for Muslims, Halal is it meat your looking for!
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1774 27 May 2013 at 1.50pm  0  Login    Register
"I can't believe they show this rubbish on TV, just because it is a cup final. It's not real football, the players are sub-standard and nobody is really interested."

"That's very sexist" said my wife, "Women's football has come a long way in recent years, it is now professional and has a strong domestic league and international competitions."

"Who's talking about Women's football, I mean the Scottish Cup"
ralph69
Posts: 10386
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1773 26 May 2013 at 7.13pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1769
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1772 26 May 2013 at 1.02pm  0  Login    Register
Little Johnny: "Let's see, £6,000 for materials, £4,000 for labour, then there's the electrics and the plumbing. Will do the job for 12,000."

Little Patel: "I am sorry, I know my shop needs this extension but I have only £9,000 to offer you, Plus all your discounted grocery needs."

Teacher: "What on earth is going on here?"

Little Johnny: "Please miss, we are playing cowboys and Indians."
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1771 26 May 2013 at 7.18am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1770
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1770 24 May 2013 at 11.21pm  0  Login    Register
Bill Kenwright was in Tesco the other day,.,. he saw an old lady struggling to reach a box on the top shelf..............

"Can you manage love"? he asked....

"**** off" she shouted.., "I don't want the bloody job either"
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1769 24 May 2013 at 11.11am  0  Login    Register
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
carpy09
Posts: 13985
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1768 24 May 2013 at 7.46am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1766
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1767 23 May 2013 at 9.28pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1764
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1766 23 May 2013 at 9.18pm  0  Login    Register
A business man is dating a girl who is addicted to sex.

He really loves her, and of course hes a man so he doesn't mind it.

Well because he has to travel a lot for his job but he was afraid his girl would cheat on him. So he went to an adult store in search of something for her to use. A clerk came up to him and asked him what he was looking for, he explained his situation and the clerk told him that he had just the perfect thing for him. He led the business man to the back of the store and pulled out a wooden box. He explained "alright, inside this box is a voodoo dildo. All you gotta do it say voodoo dildo whatever it is you want it too and open the box. Like this: Voodoo dildo the door,"he opened the box and the dildo jumped out and went over and started humping the door. "To get it back in all you gotta do is say voodoo dildo back in the box." and the dildo got back in. So the man bought it and took it home. He explained to his girlfriend that all she had to do when she got horny was tell the dick "voodoo dick my pussy" and it would do it. So he left and went on his trip. Not long after his girl got horny so she opened the box and said "voodoo dildo my pussy" it jumped out and started giving it too her. Well after hours and hours of amazing satisfaction, she realized she didnt know how to make it stop. So after trying and trying she got into her car and decided to go to the hospital, on the way she swerved all over the road. A passing cop saw this and pulled her over. The woman explained the situation and the cop scoffed and said "Hah...voodoo dildo my arse"
ralph69
Posts: 10386
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1765 23 May 2013 at 6.46pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1756
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1764 23 May 2013 at 2.32pm  0  Login    Register
"You know, it was roasting in bed last night.." I said to the wife.

"But with you there, it was like sleeping next to a fridge."

"Oh come on!" She protested.

"You can't say I'm cold."

"No, you're not." I agreed.

"But you ARE huge and full of food."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22752
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1763 22 May 2013 at 8.47pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1760
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