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Joke Thread
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shed

Posts: 1384

#1707 13 May 2013 at 4.11pm

In reply to Post #1705

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1706 13 May 2013 at 10.40am

In reply to Post #1704

sik

Posts: 2391

#1705 13 May 2013 at 8.15am

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1704 13 May 2013 at 8.11am

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1703 13 May 2013 at 7.54am

In reply to Post #1701

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1702 13 May 2013 at 7.24am

The last time I saw this much fuss about an old man finishing his career in Manchester

Ken Barlow was being led away in handcuffs

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1701 12 May 2013 at 6.06pm

"I've been waiting for you."She whispered as she bent over pulling up her nighty."Now get over here and stick it in my arse".
I hate suppository time at Grandma's house.

carpy09

Posts: 12605

#1700 12 May 2013 at 2.02pm

In reply to Post #1695

sik

Posts: 2391

#1699 12 May 2013 at 1.59pm

In reply to Post #1698

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1698 12 May 2013 at 1.48pm

After having a good sh!t, I sprayed my aftershave to cover up the smell.

Now my bathroom just smells like a sh!t is getting ready for a night out.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1697 12 May 2013 at 11.55am

In reply to Post #1695

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1696 12 May 2013 at 11.52am

In reply to Post #1692

sik

Posts: 2391

#1695 12 May 2013 at 9.59am

Ben and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as airplane
mechanics in Bristol One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ben says, "Bloody hell, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me
too I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to
try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of plastic cups high octane
fuel and get completely smashed.
The next morning Ben wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels Bloody GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, " How do you feel this morning?" Ben says, "I feel
bloody marvelous . How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a
hangover?" Ben says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,
nothing. We ought to do this more often." Hesitating Jim says, well there's just one
thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in SCOTLAND

sik

Posts: 2391

#1694 12 May 2013 at 9.51am

A teacher was standing at the front of the class and she said, "I'd like you to tell me what you think sex is."
Little Jenny at the front put her hand up and said, "I saw a doggie on top of another doggie - is that sex, miss?"
"Yes, good girl," she said.
Then little Paul put his hand up and said, "I saw my mummy jumping up and down on my daddy in bed, is that sex miss?"
"Yes, good boy, Paul.
And then little Tommy stood up at the back of the class and shouted, "miss, I was watching telly the other day and I saw seven Indians on top of John Wayne, is that sex?"
The teacher said, "no, Tommy."
He stood back up and said, "I didn't think it was."
The teacher said, "why didn't you think it was?"
Tommy stood up again and said, "I knew it would take more than seven indians to fcuk John Wayne.

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1693 12 May 2013 at 8.23am

What's Green and smells like bacon?

Kermits fingers.


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