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Joke Thread
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SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1725 16 May 2013 at 4.42pm

My wife warned me not to even think about sticking my cock in her arse when taking her doggie style, but its been obsessing me for ages.

And when one of my favorite Motown classics came on the radio I took a deep breath and went for it.

I just couldn't resist the temptations.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1724 16 May 2013 at 3.38am

In reply to Post #1722

sik

Posts: 2391

#1723 16 May 2013 at 3.37am

In reply to Post #1720

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1722 15 May 2013 at 9.53pm

A man with a penis for a nose is standing in a bar, "How do I drink my pint without my nose dipping in it?" he sobbed to the barmaid.

"Come here," she said spitting on the palm of her hand, "it's not hard."

deaffred

Posts: 4675

#1721 15 May 2013 at 9.53pm

There is a new cofee shop opening in Liverpool for the younger clientele

Tarbucks

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1720 15 May 2013 at 6.57pm

Liza Tarbuck must be really embarrassed.
Not because of her father's arrest.
But because shes a fat,talentless ****.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1719 15 May 2013 at 6.53pm

In reply to Post #1718
David Moyes has said he's going to find it really hard to leave Everton as his car is still sitting on bricks.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1718 15 May 2013 at 6.49pm

In reply to Post #1713

carpy09

Posts: 12713

#1717 15 May 2013 at 5.49pm

In reply to Post #1715

carpy09

Posts: 12713

#1716 15 May 2013 at 5.44pm

In reply to Post #1711

sik

Posts: 2391

#1715 15 May 2013 at 4.28pm

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1714 15 May 2013 at 4.24pm

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
>
> The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
>
> Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
>
> "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>
> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
>
> "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
>
> That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
>
> The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
>
> The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
>
> The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
>
> The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
>
> The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

sik

Posts: 2391

#1713 15 May 2013 at 4.19pm

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1712 15 May 2013 at 4.14pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the fcukin remote

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1711 15 May 2013 at 9.56am

An old man went to the pharmacy to buy Viagra.

"Could I have 6 pills, and could they be split into quarters please?"

"I can split them" said the Pharmacist. "But a quarter of a pill won't give you a full erection."

"I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection. I just want it too poke out enough that I don't piss on my slippers!"


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