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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#1846 18 Jun 2013 at 6.57pm

In reply to Post #1845

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1845 17 Jun 2013 at 8.06pm

What's Stuart Hall getting for Christmas? The bunk bed above Ken Barlow.

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#1844 15 Jun 2013 at 8.20pm

In reply to Post #1843
I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to f**k off.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1843 13 Jun 2013 at 8.48pm

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the fcukin jar open!

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1842 13 Jun 2013 at 8.28pm

What's got thirteen brains and one head?

The Yorkshire Rippers Hammer.

teamxray1

Posts: 6682

#1841 13 Jun 2013 at 8.24pm

Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2053

#1840 13 Jun 2013 at 6.15pm

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

I think judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is wa*king off to a porn film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 14 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1839 12 Jun 2013 at 5.27pm

One day, three scientists were having a discussion about how much an elephant sh1ts in one year. The scientists all had very different opinions on this and decided that the only way to find out would be to do an experiment.
The experiment involved putting a cork into an elephants @rse and leaving it there for one year. All of the scientists agreed that this was a good way to measure how much the elephant would sh1t in one year. However, one of the scientists pointed out that once the cork is removed the explosion of sh1t could be imense. So in the year they spent waiting to remove the cork they trained a monkey to remove the cork.

The day had arrived to remove the cork, the monkey was in position and the scientists went to their positions.

The first one said,"I'm not taking any chances, I'm standing half a mile away!"

The second one insisted,"I think your still too close, I'm standing mile away!"

The third one announced,"Well I think your both crazy, I'm standing two miles away!"

With the scientists in position the monkey was instructed over radio to remove the cork. The elephant screamed and the explosion of sh1t was enormous. The scientist standing two miles away was covered up to his ankles in sh1t, thinking to himself,"This isn't too bad, could be worse."
He walked up to the second scientist who was up to his waist in sh1t. He was fuming, "I should have listened to you, look at me I'm up to my fcuking waist in elephant sh1t!"
They both walked up to the first scientist who was standing only half a mile away. He was covered up to his neck in sh1t but was giggling to himself. They said to him,"Why the hell are you laughing, your up to your neck in elephant sh1t... What's so funny?"

"I'm just thinking about the fcuking monkey", came the reply.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1838 12 Jun 2013 at 5.17pm

The other night, I was on my first date with a girl I really like. Everything was going great, the conversation was flowing brilliantly and we got to the point where we were just asking random questions, when she asked...

"If you can name any part of me, what would it be and what would you call it?"

After a moment or two I replied...
"It would be your mouth and I would call it handy"

Almost immediately, with a puzzled look on her face she asked...
"Oh, Why call it handy?"

To which I said...
"So, whenever you are bored, alone or just feeling down, I can cum in handy"

I haven't heard from her since.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1837 12 Jun 2013 at 5.07pm

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. �OK, you,� he says, pointing to Vito, �How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don�t lie, I�m St. Peter you know. �Vito hangs his head and replies, �Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.�St. Peter says, �OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.�He looks at Eddie and asks, �How many times did you cheat on your wife?�Eddie replies, �I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.�St. Peter says, �OK, your car in heaven is that Lada, goodbye.�He then looks at Jacob and asks, �And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?�Jacob lifts his head high and replies, �I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!�St. Peter replies, �Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!�A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.Vito asks, �Hey! What's the matter with you? We should be crying! We�re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!�Jacob, between sobs replies, �I just saw my wife on a skateboard!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1836 12 Jun 2013 at 5.07pm

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Grown-Up' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Grown-Up' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Grown-Up' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH1T.

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1835 9 Jun 2013 at 5.57pm

The Incredible Hulk has just text me a picture of a cucumber

I think....?

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1834 8 Jun 2013 at 9.03pm

In reply to Post #1833
They all do the full circle in the end......

Probably suppressible these days.

Doesn't need it now does it.....

KenTownley

Posts: 29903

#1833 8 Jun 2013 at 6.58pm

In reply to Post #1824
That one dates back to my teenage years...and I am now well old!

In my youth we would tell it in the voice of a fella with a cleft pallet.

"Worth!" he replies. "There I am, clinging to the window ledgth, freething cold, nothing on, covered in pith, when all of a thudden her husband thez he needs a thit. So he comths up to the window and thits out of it....all over me!"

etc. etc.

"Yeth, but when I looked down I wath only sith inthes off the gwound."

Probably suppressible these days.

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#1832 8 Jun 2013 at 6.38pm

In reply to Post #1831
I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around................................I felt like I was on The Voice.


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