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   Old Thread  #1886 2 Jul 2013 at 2.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went out with a girl last night and asked her back to my place.She said,"I just want to tell you,I don't sleep with someone on a first date."

I replied,"That's okay,once I've fcuked you I'll phone a taxi to take you home so you can sleep in your own bed.
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   Old Thread  #1885 2 Jul 2013 at 6.51am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1884 1 Jul 2013 at 10.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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got chatting to this bird in the pub last night and was telling her about my talent
of being able to tell what day of week a woman was born on , just by playing with her tits.
she stuck her chest out and said "go on then , prove it"
after about 3 minutes of me fondling her tits she says " well, what day was i born on then ?
i said , ****ing yesterday
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   Old Thread  #1883 1 Jul 2013 at 7.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"I shoved a firework up a rabbits @rse this weekend" said Little Johnny

"Johnny!" Exclaimed his teacher disgustingly, "Rectum"

Johnny replied "Yes it did, blew his boll**ks off Miss"
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   Old Thread  #1882 1 Jul 2013 at 5.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
just chatting to a fit bird in the pub and i asked her what her name was and she said carman, why i asked "because i like cars and men" whats your name she asked me "beer t1ts
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   Old Thread  #1881 1 Jul 2013 at 5.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I can only fcuk the wife using a lubricant.

About 8 pints normally
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   Old Thread  #1880 1 Jul 2013 at 5.43am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man at work calls home and his 8 years old
daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the
phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey
you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room
with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want
you to do:put the phone down onthe
table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom
door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car
has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the
phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of
the bed naked,ran round the room
screaming,tripp
ed over,and knocked her head
on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.
He jumped out the window into the
swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know
you emptied the water last week.He hit the
bottom and I think he’s dead.”

After a really long pause this time...Daddy
says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a
swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713”
“Sorry wrong number....!!!!”
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   Old Thread  #1879 30 Jun 2013 at 7.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1878 30 Jun 2013 at 4.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1877 30 Jun 2013 at 4.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1876 30 Jun 2013 at 2.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1875 30 Jun 2013 at 2.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend's stockings as she crossed her legs. So I whispered in her ear, "We know how this ends, so let's leave now before the final curtain. I've got plans for you."

She said, "We can't, it would be rude to get up and walk out."

I said, "Of course we can."

She said, "Dave, it's your wife's funeral.
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   Old Thread  #1874 30 Jun 2013 at 8.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What does a perverted frog say? ...Rubbit.
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   Old Thread  #1873 30 Jun 2013 at 8.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I just said hello to my neighbour who has Alzheimer's and Tourette's.

"Hello c*nt. Nice to see you" he said, "who are you? F**k off."
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   Old Thread  #1872 29 Jun 2013 at 4.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I've installed a two-way mirror in my daughter's bathroom, but I'm taking it back to the shop tomorrow.

All I can see is me looking stupid with my dick in my hand.
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