CarpForum Thread : Joke Thread : Carp Fishing Forum




Already registered? [Log-In] New user? [Register]	Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service? Click HERE to see how



Home	Who's Online	Member List	Gallery	Downloads	Fish Ins	Weather
Rules / Usage	Help / FAQs	Search	Articles		The Carp Shop

New Posts: 0

Joke Thread
[Log-In] [Register]

Mr-Magoo

Posts: 9617

#2090 28 Jan 2014 at 6.26pm

two giants walking up and down the lengh and breadth of britain.
one says to the other " where are we ? " 1st giant reaches down through the clouds and says " essex"
2nd giant says" how do you know ?", 1st giant says " i can feel range rovers and great big houses "
as they move up the country the 2nd giant says " where are we now ? " 1st giant reaches down and says "manchester" 2nd giant says " how do you know ? ", 1st giant says " i can feel old trafford "
as they move along a bit further 2nd giant says " where are we now" 1st giant reaches down and says " liverpool " 2nd giant says " how do you know that " 1st giant says " some **** has just nicked me watch "

Great-Blondini

Posts: 11794

[ MODERATOR ]

#2089 28 Jan 2014 at 5.22pm

In reply to Post #2088
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
�Tommy, why do you look so sad?� asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: �My Dad�s a stripper in a gay bar.�
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

�Sometimes, he doesn�t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men�s pleasure.�

There were gasps around the classroom.

The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: �Is all that true, Tommy?�
>
>
>

�No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.�

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#2088 21 Jan 2014 at 8.27pm

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

jimmyAd

Posts: 8974

#2087 21 Jan 2014 at 5.47am

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI
>
> "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
>
> This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
> Liverpudlian youngsters.
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
> how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
> in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
> existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
> worth of high tech equipment.
>
> It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
> team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
> advantage over every other team.
>
> However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
> practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
> four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
> re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
> of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
> the shower.
>
>
>

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#2086 20 Jan 2014 at 10.22pm

Emotional scenes in Coronation Street. Hayley Cropper stiff for the first time in 15 years!

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2085 12 Jan 2014 at 2.55pm

DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes", the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS". "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." "But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid", the owner says. "�10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden"

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2084 11 Jan 2014 at 4.27pm

50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
. . . T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread . . .

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week ! !

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominater"!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.

ASH

Posts: 182

#2083 10 Jan 2014 at 10.00pm

House for sale in Tewkesbury
4 Bed
2 Bath
Ample parking for 30 boats

From a Northener to all those down south, remember we are are are in it together. How much is your ****ing house worth now.

Fozzy

Posts: 17232

aka Elephant Man

#2082 1 Jan 2014 at 6.40pm

In reply to Post #2080

Mr-Magoo

Posts: 9617

#2081 1 Jan 2014 at 11.01am

In reply to Post #2080

jimmyAd

Posts: 8974

#2080 1 Jan 2014 at 11.00am

A zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie
Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so
Geordie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for �500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin� on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle
United Football Club fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Geordie stated, "You gotta givvus another week to
come up with the �500"

happy new year Foz

ASH

Posts: 182

#2079 31 Dec 2013 at 4.29pm

I wonder what 2014 will bring!

Apart from 300,000 Romanians and Bulgarians.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#2078 30 Dec 2013 at 8.19pm

Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.

And that he is "Still an arrogant German c**t."

(but really hope you get better)

buzzbomb

Posts: 57

#2077 30 Dec 2013 at 0.41am

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you got to feed him through real slow.

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2076 29 Dec 2013 at 1.01pm

Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart
i hope it wont smell what should i do?" i replied Put new
batteries in yer hearing aids


	Page: 43.6666666666667 of 182





� Copyright 2002-2022 - www.CarpForum.co.uk	contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk