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   Old Thread  #2086 20 Jan 2014 at 10.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Emotional scenes in Coronation Street. Hayley Cropper stiff for the first time in 15 years!
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   Old Thread  #2085 12 Jan 2014 at 2.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes", the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS". "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." "But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid", the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden"
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   Old Thread  #2084 11 Jan 2014 at 4.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!


50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
. . . T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread . . .

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week ! !

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominater"!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.

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   Old Thread  #2083 10 Jan 2014 at 10.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
House for sale in Tewkesbury
4 Bed
2 Bath
Ample parking for 30 boats

From a Northener to all those down south, remember we are are are in it together. How much is your ****ing house worth now.

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aka Elephant Man
   Old Thread  #2082 1 Jan 2014 at 6.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2080
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   Old Thread  #2081 1 Jan 2014 at 11.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2080
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   Old Thread  #2080 1 Jan 2014 at 11.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie
Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so
Geordie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for £500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin’ on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle
United Football Club fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Geordie stated, "You gotta givvus another week to
come up with the £500"



happy new year Foz
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   Old Thread  #2079 31 Dec 2013 at 4.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I wonder what 2014 will bring!

Apart from 300,000 Romanians and Bulgarians.
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   Old Thread  #2078 30 Dec 2013 at 8.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.

And that he is "Still an arrogant German c**t."

(but really hope you get better)
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   Old Thread  #2077 30 Dec 2013 at 0.41am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you got to feed him through real slow.
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   Old Thread  #2076 29 Dec 2013 at 1.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart
i hope it wont smell what should i do?" i replied Put new
batteries in yer hearing aids
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   Old Thread  #2075 29 Dec 2013 at 12.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.

The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.

After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.

After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.

The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "
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   Old Thread  #2074 29 Dec 2013 at 12.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
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   Old Thread  #2073 28 Dec 2013 at 8.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2071

Brilliant PMSL
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   Old Thread  #2072 27 Dec 2013 at 4.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2071
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