CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2132 26 Jun 2014 at 7.54am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2131
Adoption

Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon"

Made me chuckle!!!!!
Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2131 26 Jun 2014 at 7.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2130
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2130 26 Jun 2014 at 7.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2129
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow


”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”


“Sticks”, said Paddy


Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2129 26 Jun 2014 at 7.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2128
A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
Well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'



The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.


She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.



The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Tel
diddster is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of diddster (David)
diddster
Posts: 273
   Old Thread  #2128 11 Jun 2014 at 7.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2127
The-Don is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of The-Don (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
The-Don
Posts: 110
   Old Thread  #2127 10 Jun 2014 at 10.58am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove all of the fruit that you brought back up your ass without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3446
   Old Thread  #2126 1 Jun 2014 at 7.25am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.

She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.
ralph69 has used site within the last 5 mins
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10194
   Old Thread  #2125 30 May 2014 at 8.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2124
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2124 30 May 2014 at 8.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2123
ANd another!!!!

Traffic Jam

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2123 30 May 2014 at 8.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2122
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

Well it made me chuckle!!

Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2122 30 May 2014 at 8.04am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2121
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bob myself.'
_________________________
Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2121 30 May 2014 at 8.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2120
Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.
Tel
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1117
   Old Thread  #2120 30 May 2014 at 7.58am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2119
Golf or Sex?

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says.

"You already know how to play golf!"

Tel
dmc0162 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of dmc0162 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
dmc0162
Posts: 193
   Old Thread  #2119 12 May 2014 at 7.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Breaking news David Moyes has just signed for SKY!!!

He starts fitting his first satellite dish on Monday

WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3446
   Old Thread  #2118 28 Apr 2014 at 7.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2116
They gone from the chosen one to the cheating one..
Page: 38.3333333333333 of 180  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2021  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk