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   Old Thread  #2172 10 Oct 2014 at 10.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic
sex:

Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this, as if you
understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex, you need
help.
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   Old Thread  #2171 4 Oct 2014 at 8.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.

"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."

"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."

"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."

"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"

"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
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   Old Thread  #2170 4 Oct 2014 at 10.03am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

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   Old Thread  #2169 4 Oct 2014 at 10.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

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   Old Thread  #2168 4 Oct 2014 at 9.58am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

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   Old Thread  #2167 19 Sept 2014 at 2.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
OK it's Friday so a few quickies

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were the Hovis Witnesses.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam say they can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:
time to change supplier I think.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be a Pharaoh Rocher...


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma...the other's got a dodgy tikka!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'I thought they were mine, but have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my fantastic body?
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours just to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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   Old Thread  #2166 18 Sept 2014 at 9.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Scotland opens the voting at 7.00 am. Is that their plan to get people to vote on their way to the pub?


England 1 (Salmond og) Scotland 0
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   Old Thread  #2165 12 Sept 2014 at 2.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
A guy goes into his local supermarket for a pack of beer, he sees they have a BOGOF on so he purchase two packs. Puts them into his open Morgan and proceeds to drive home, he has to stop at some traffic hold up and a very attractive young lady walking past observes the booze and asks. "would you be interested in swapping some beer for sex"

"what sort of beer you got" he replies!!!!!
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2164 12 Sept 2014 at 2.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
wanted to rent her spare room out!!

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2163 12 Sept 2014 at 2.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck. And you can talk!"

"Correct," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks,drinks beer,eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?"

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And a big tent and a ringmaster?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement and says,"Why on earth would they want a plasterer?"
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2162 8 Sept 2014 at 4.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2161

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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   Old Thread  #2161 1 Sept 2014 at 9.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Ballerina ?

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a HUGE, hairy armpit, as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man
among ye hare will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. Down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

Shamus, the bartender, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

Shamus approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'

Paddy replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2160 1 Sept 2014 at 8.46am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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   Old Thread  #2159 27 Aug 2014 at 3.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2153


Brilliant
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2158 16 Aug 2014 at 8.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2157
I see the police have taken away cliff Richards computers and confirmed the fact that they have found them to contain some disturbing content .

Let's hope it's porn and not some new songs
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