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Joke Thread
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ralph69

Posts: 10074

#2228 27 Feb 2015 at 7.55pm

In reply to Post #2223

luckyjim

Posts: 3221

#2227 25 Feb 2015 at 7.22pm

The ol gell at number4 lost her husband a couple of weeks ago, missing him and feeling suicidal she decides to end her life by using his old service revolver, not wanting to suffer she phones the doctor to find out exactly where her heart is, just below your left breast the doc said, later that day she was admitted to hospital with serious gun shot wounds to her left knee

elltell

Posts: 1074

#2226 22 Feb 2015 at 6.57am

An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T�was �Fifty Shades of Grey�.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread�

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn�t weathered well;
She�s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You�d see just why I spluttered,
I�d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I�d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit �.
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
�Step on the other one!�

Well readers, I can�t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1074

#2225 22 Feb 2015 at 6.53am

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold
or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Fred really got worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Fred
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to
find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen
the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the
park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the
world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I
sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich
and she filed rape charges against me; and, at
89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into
court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Tel

elltell

Posts: 1074

#2224 22 Feb 2015 at 6.52am

A girl goes out with a bloke for the first time. He asks her what she wants to do. "I want to get weighed" she says. He takes her to a weighing machine and gets her to weigh herself.

This happens a few times before the bloke gets fed up and takes her home. Her father greets her and asks if she had a good time.
>
>
>
>
>
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"Wousy" she says.!!!!!!

Tel

luckyjim

Posts: 3221

#2223 19 Feb 2015 at 6.14pm

I had just bought a big bag of dry dog food when the lady behind me in the queue asked if I had a dog, no I said its for my diet, it worked well before so I�m gonna do it again, how doe�s it work? Fill your pockets with the nuggets and when you feel hungry take one out and eat it, you have to be careful though, last time I did it I nearly died, I woke up in hospital 12lb lighter with tubes coming out from everywhere, MY GOD she said did the nuggets poison you? No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setters arse and a car hit me.

deaffred

Posts: 4639

#2222 18 Feb 2015 at 10.04pm

In reply to Post #2220
Pmsl , that's a cracker !!!!!

luckyjim

Posts: 3221

#2221 17 Feb 2015 at 10.23pm

In reply to Post #2220

Four-Candles

Posts: 1134

#2220 17 Feb 2015 at 11.01am

In reply to Post #2219
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

luckyjim

Posts: 3221

#2219 16 Feb 2015 at 8.43pm

In reply to Post #2218
oooo

ralph69

Posts: 10074

#2218 14 Feb 2015 at 9.47pm

In reply to Post #2217
The wife suggested we spice up our sex life with a little role play, I'll be a prostitute she said , good , ill be Peter sutcliffe

luckyjim

Posts: 3221

#2217 14 Feb 2015 at 6.18pm

The nun roared out of the convent in her car, 2 minutes later the police stopped her,she lowered the window the cop unzipped his fly, "Oh no" she said "not the breathalyzer again".

Richard_Barnard

Posts: 2302

aka NFFC_Carper86

#2216 14 Feb 2015 at 9.05am

In reply to Post #2215

luckyjim

Posts: 3221

#2215 13 Feb 2015 at 8.40pm

A woman asks her husband "would you like some breakfast" ? no thanks he said the Viagra has put me off food, later in the day she asks "how about lunch darling?" he said I'm still not hungry it must be the Viagra, that evening she says its time for dinner would you like steak and chips? I'll not bother thanks this Viagra has put me off food altogether, well would you mind getting off me I'm starving.

Four-Candles

Posts: 1134

#2214 11 Feb 2015 at 2.40pm

In reply to Post #2213

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,

AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL

THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,

"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"

SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS,

DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,

IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN

ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?

ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE,

DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW

ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,

DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY',

THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND? (I had never thought of that!)


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