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 #2259 29 Mar 2015 at 7.20am | |   |
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I was staggering home from the pub the other night, and decided to take a short cut through the park. A woman came up to me in the shadows, and said "Fancy a shag luv"? Only twenty quid"
Well, I was drunk, I'd never been with a tart before, and it was only twenty quid, so I said yes.We were just getting into our stride when all of a sudden there was a flash of torch light and a cop's voice said "What's going on here, then?"
"I was just making love to my wife, Officer", I replied
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise" said the cop
"Neither did I until you shone your torch in her face!"
Tel
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#2258 29 Mar 2015 at 5.41am | | |
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Spanish Maid
The Spanish maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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#2257 29 Mar 2015 at 5.36am | | |
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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
This house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no
Way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
Door with a suitcase
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night
And heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£289,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike.
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#2256 28 Mar 2015 at 11.50am | | |
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In reply to Post #2255
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#2255 28 Mar 2015 at 1.40am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
old tread but board ...cant believe after all that sh*t them two got back together ????me bum cheeks lol
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#2254 26 Mar 2015 at 9.20am | | |
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Two policemen call into the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes!"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
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#2253 24 Mar 2015 at 11.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2252
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#2252 24 Mar 2015 at 7.07pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2251
Brought myself satellite tv today,
Saving up for a rocket now so I can watch it
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#2251 23 Mar 2015 at 7.53pm | | |
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A dyslexic pimp just bought a warehouse 
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#2250 22 Mar 2015 at 8.13pm | | |
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A bloke from a building site went into the pub, says to the barman....we just dug up a skeleton of a woman, barman asks how do you know it was a woman, the mouth was still open.
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#2249 22 Mar 2015 at 10.52am | | |
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In reply to Post #2248
Cracker
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#2248 22 Mar 2015 at 5.04am | | |
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Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn
baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave
it a dead leg instead.
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#2247 22 Mar 2015 at 1.06am | | |
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The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on
stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him
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#2246 21 Mar 2015 at 2.56pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2243
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#2245 20 Mar 2015 at 5.17pm | | |
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I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
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