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Joke Thread
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ralph69

Posts: 10194

#2293 15 May 2015 at 7.03pm

In reply to Post #2292
Saw a young lad today leaning against a wall having a joint and a can of beer,
I said to him ," shouldn't you be at school" ?
He said ," don't be so stupid , I'm only four " .

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2292 9 May 2015 at 4.53pm

Father Murphy was going to have a week’s holiday but there was no one to take confession so he went to the synagogue to ask rabbi Cohen could he help, yes my boy what do I have to do?
Father Murphy said come round to the church and sit with me to see how it’s done, after a while the first one arrives, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin? I have stolen from the shop, how many times? 3 times father, put Ł5 in the collection go back in church and pray for forgiveness, the next one go’s in the box and asks for forgiveness what is your sin? I have lied to my children father, how many times asks father Murphy 3 times father, put Ł5 in the collection and pray for forgiveness, father says to the Rabbi now you have a go, before long the next one comes in the box, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin m’boy, I have been unfaithful to my wife, how many times? Once he said, well go and do 2 more we’ve got a special on this week 3 for a fiver.

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2291 25 Apr 2015 at 9.52am

A woman says to her husband darling you know I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a minor op in the fanny department and the nurse asked if I could shave the old minnie moo before I get there, as you shave every morning I wondered if you would do it for me? of course I will, get yer trollies off, he lathers up the velvet valley and starts, hows it going darling? not bad, nearly done just one more thing, can you make it do this >
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luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2290 24 Apr 2015 at 9.55pm

The front door slams, the woman says to her lover that’s my husband hide in the wardrobe, as he does a boys voice says ITS DARK IN HERE, the guy says don’t tell anyone will you, I NEED A NEW PAIR OF FOOTY BOOTS, ok I’ll get you some, a couple of weeks later the same thing happens as the guy gets in the wardrobe ITS DARK IN HERE, ok what do you want this time, I WANT A NEW BALL AND A SHIRT, ok son I’ll sort it, the next Saturday the boy and his dad are at the park having a kick about, dad says where did you get the new kit? The boy tells him, dad says that's not very nice you must go to church and confess your sins, the boy goes in the confession box and says ITS DARK IN HERE, a voice from the other side says f*** me not you again.

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2289 21 Apr 2015 at 9.56am

In reply to Post #2288

heathrow

Posts: 8290

#2288 21 Apr 2015 at 0.13am

In reply to Post #2287
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2287 18 Apr 2015 at 11.16am

In reply to Post #2286
I'm not Pancake, I'm Boxing

ralph69

Posts: 10194

#2286 18 Apr 2015 at 8.16am

In reply to Post #2285
Also , some people are named depending on what day it is when they were born ,
I e st George's day , they call them George
St Patrick's day , they call them Patrick
Something else I've taught you that is young pancake

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2285 13 Apr 2015 at 7.08pm

A North American Indian boy sat chatting with his dad when he asks
How do we get our name pops?
It's your mother's decision, as you are born
mum looks around to see what's going on and chooses a name
like running bear, bald eagle, jumping fish and so on, why do you ask 2 dogs F******

ralph69

Posts: 10194

#2284 12 Apr 2015 at 7.00pm

In reply to Post #2283
Bet she was a Geordie

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2283 12 Apr 2015 at 6.25pm

In reply to Post #2282
I like Ray, especially in Vincent (apart from Scum)

I was walking past the chippie the other night and saw a tasty looking bird outside eating a bag of chips with her draws round her ankles, I said scuse me miss did you know your under-ctackers are round your ankles? OH GOD she said has he finished.

ralph69

Posts: 10194

#2282 12 Apr 2015 at 5.55pm

In reply to Post #2281
Tbh mate I heard ray winstone tell it the other night on some programme , thought you'd been watching it aswell

Cracker tho

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2281 12 Apr 2015 at 5.27pm

In reply to Post #2280
I don't know where it came from, I've known it for donkeys years

ralph69

Posts: 10194

#2280 11 Apr 2015 at 11.00pm

In reply to Post #2279
I know where that came from . Goodun innit

luckyjim

Posts: 3399

#2279 11 Apr 2015 at 7.51pm

A guy comes home from work mid afternoon to catch his wife and lover at it, he lives on the 11th floor of a tower block and the lift is out of action, he finally gets to his flat and bursts in shouting "WHERE IS HE " I'll kill him, looks around but nothing, just happens to look out of the kitchen window to see a man running from the block, he opens the window turns round looking for something to throw and decide its the fridge, as he launches it he collapses and dies.
Up at the pearly gates Peter stands waiting for him, how did you end up here? Peter was told the story ok you may entre, next was a guy with terrible head wounds, and you, said Peter? I was running for the bus so i wouldn't be late for the evening shift when crash and I'm here, ok said Peter go in, Peter was about to close the gate when he noticed a guy in a pair of underpants blue and shivering with cold, what are you doing here? well I was sitting in this fridge minding my own business.......


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