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   Old Thread  #2259 29 Mar 2015 at 7.20am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

I was staggering home from the pub the other night, and decided to take a short cut through the park. A woman came up to me in the shadows, and said "Fancy a shag luv"? Only twenty quid"

Well, I was drunk, I'd never been with a tart before, and it was only twenty quid, so I said yes.We were just getting into our stride when all of a sudden there was a flash of torch light and a cop's voice said "What's going on here, then?"

"I was just making love to my wife, Officer", I replied

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise" said the cop

"Neither did I until you shone your torch in her face!"

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2258 29 Mar 2015 at 5.41am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

Spanish Maid
The Spanish maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2257 29 Mar 2015 at 5.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
This house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no
Way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
Door with a suitcase
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night
And heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£289,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike.

Tel

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   Old Thread  #2256 28 Mar 2015 at 11.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2255

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2255 28 Mar 2015 at 1.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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old tread but board ...cant believe after all that sh*t them two got back together ????me bum cheeks lol
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   Old Thread  #2254 26 Mar 2015 at 9.20am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

Two policemen call into the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes!"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2253 24 Mar 2015 at 11.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2252 24 Mar 2015 at 7.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Brought myself satellite tv today,
Saving up for a rocket now so I can watch it
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   Old Thread  #2251 23 Mar 2015 at 7.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A dyslexic pimp just bought a warehouse
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   Old Thread  #2250 22 Mar 2015 at 8.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A bloke from a building site went into the pub, says to the barman....we just dug up a skeleton of a woman, barman asks how do you know it was a woman, the mouth was still open.
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   Old Thread  #2249 22 Mar 2015 at 10.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Cracker
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   Old Thread  #2248 22 Mar 2015 at 5.04am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn
baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave
it a dead leg instead.

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2247 22 Mar 2015 at 1.06am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on
stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2246 21 Mar 2015 at 2.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2245 20 Mar 2015 at 5.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
Tel
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