CarpForum Thread : Joke Thread : Carp Fishing Forum




Already registered? [Log-In] New user? [Register]	Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service? Click HERE to see how



Home	Who's Online	Member List	Gallery	Downloads	Fish Ins	Weather
Rules / Usage	Help / FAQs	Search	Articles		The Carp Shop

New Posts: 0

Joke Thread
[Log-In] [Register]

ralph69

Posts: 10042

#2299 28 May 2015 at 3.37pm

In reply to Post #2298
Blimey , that Kym marsh don't hang around .
After her latest love split , she's only gone and married Steve Macdonald

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2298 21 May 2015 at 8.14pm

In reply to Post #2297

I was trying to remember the one about a line of elephants each holding the tail with their trunk of the one in front crossing a railway line and the train hit them and pulls them inside out.

Anyone know this one?

denty

Posts: 916

#2297 21 May 2015 at 1.10pm

In reply to Post #2296

The old ones are always the best

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2296 19 May 2015 at 7.11pm

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5
more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or
third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs,
Ethel!"

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2295 16 May 2015 at 6.40pm

The sergeant asked a new recruit for his name, to which he replied, "Mack." The sergeant said, "Sorry, I need your full name." The recruit replied, "That is my name."

The sergeant then pointed out that everyone had a Christian name and a surname. The recruit replied, "I was christened John Thomas McDangle originally, but now I'm known simply as Mack."

The sergeant is a little curious and asks for an explanation.

"Well, I left school at 16 and, because I was extremely bright, was admitted to medical school. I qualified before I was 21, thus becoming John Thomas McDangle, MD. But most people considered me too young to practise medicine, so I decided to do further study. I chose theology.

"On completion of these studies I became John Thomas McDangle, MD, DD. Then, unfortunately I got into a bit of trouble with a lady of ill repute and contracted VD.

"The medical board removed my MD, the church removed my DD, the VD removed my John Thomas. I had nothing left to dangle, so now I am just known as Mack."

stymie

Posts: 712

#2294 15 May 2015 at 8.16pm

In reply to Post #2293
Bloke goes to the doctors.

Doc "Hi there, what seems to be the problem?"

Bloke "Erm... bit embarrassed to tell you if I'm honest doctor"

Doc "Nothing to worry about, I can guarantee you that there won't be anything wrong that I haven't happened across before"

Bloke "Well, ok then. It's my erm... little feller doctor, I think there's something wrong with it"

Doc "Ok, you best show me it, once again try not to be worried, I have seen it all before, I can assure you"

"Bloke "Well... Ok then"

He proceeds to unzip and slaps it on the table

Doc "

F..K ME! What the hell is that? It's bright orange!

Bloke " I did say there was something wrong doc"

Doc, gathering himself "Yes, ahem... sorry for the outburst... ok then. Does it hurt?

Bloke " Nope, no pain at all"

Doc "Have you been under any stress of late? Worried about anything?

Bloke "Nope, I'm happy as larry, no worries at all"

Doc " Quite unusual, never seen an orange one before. Any marital problems? Wife left you or anything?

Bloke "No, happily single"

Doc "This has got me baffled. Any work problems?"

Bloke "No doc, I live off an inheritance, don't have a job and don't need one."

Doc "How bizarre. Could you explain to me what your daily routine consists of?"

Bloke "Not much really doc, I just spend most days watching porn and eating wotsits"

ralph69

Posts: 10042

#2293 15 May 2015 at 7.03pm

In reply to Post #2292
Saw a young lad today leaning against a wall having a joint and a can of beer,
I said to him ," shouldn't you be at school" ?
He said ," don't be so stupid , I'm only four " .

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2292 9 May 2015 at 4.53pm

Father Murphy was going to have a week�s holiday but there was no one to take confession so he went to the synagogue to ask rabbi Cohen could he help, yes my boy what do I have to do?
Father Murphy said come round to the church and sit with me to see how it�s done, after a while the first one arrives, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin? I have stolen from the shop, how many times? 3 times father, put �5 in the collection go back in church and pray for forgiveness, the next one go�s in the box and asks for forgiveness what is your sin? I have lied to my children father, how many times asks father Murphy 3 times father, put �5 in the collection and pray for forgiveness, father says to the Rabbi now you have a go, before long the next one comes in the box, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin m�boy, I have been unfaithful to my wife, how many times? Once he said, well go and do 2 more we�ve got a special on this week 3 for a fiver.

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2291 25 Apr 2015 at 9.52am

A woman says to her husband darling you know I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a minor op in the fanny department and the nurse asked if I could shave the old minnie moo before I get there, as you shave every morning I wondered if you would do it for me? of course I will, get yer trollies off, he lathers up the velvet valley and starts, hows it going darling? not bad, nearly done just one more thing, can you make it do this >
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2290 24 Apr 2015 at 9.55pm

The front door slams, the woman says to her lover that�s my husband hide in the wardrobe, as he does a boys voice says ITS DARK IN HERE, the guy says don�t tell anyone will you, I NEED A NEW PAIR OF FOOTY BOOTS, ok I�ll get you some, a couple of weeks later the same thing happens as the guy gets in the wardrobe ITS DARK IN HERE, ok what do you want this time, I WANT A NEW BALL AND A SHIRT, ok son I�ll sort it, the next Saturday the boy and his dad are at the park having a kick about, dad says where did you get the new kit? The boy tells him, dad says that's not very nice you must go to church and confess your sins, the boy goes in the confession box and says ITS DARK IN HERE, a voice from the other side says f*** me not you again.

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2289 21 Apr 2015 at 9.56am

In reply to Post #2288

heathrow

Posts: 8287

#2288 21 Apr 2015 at 0.13am

In reply to Post #2287
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2287 18 Apr 2015 at 11.16am

In reply to Post #2286
I'm not Pancake, I'm Boxing

ralph69

Posts: 10042

#2286 18 Apr 2015 at 8.16am

In reply to Post #2285
Also , some people are named depending on what day it is when they were born ,
I e st George's day , they call them George
St Patrick's day , they call them Patrick
Something else I've taught you that is young pancake

luckyjim

Posts: 3169

#2285 13 Apr 2015 at 7.08pm

A North American Indian boy sat chatting with his dad when he asks
How do we get our name pops?
It's your mother's decision, as you are born
mum looks around to see what's going on and chooses a name
like running bear, bald eagle, jumping fish and so on, why do you ask 2 dogs F******


	Page: 25 of 178





� Copyright 2002-2020 - www.CarpForum.co.uk	contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk