CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2308 28 Jun 2015 at 12.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The young girl next door bought some new knickers made by Tupperware, she say's they're not that comfortable but they do keep everything fresh.
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2307 19 Jun 2015 at 8.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My mate Mark phoned me up last night, I said wot you phoning me for at 4 o'clock in the morning? he said I can't sleep there was somebody outside my window calling me, who was it? nobody was there except a dog with a hair-lip barking.
Richard_Barnard is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Richard_Barnard (Richard)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Richard_Barnard
Posts: 2302
aka NFFC_Carper86
   Old Thread  #2306 19 Jun 2015 at 6.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2304
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2305 18 Jun 2015 at 1.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Marvelman: Hello Superman what have you been up to today?

Superman: Oh just flying around putting the world to right.

Marvelman: that must get boring after a while.

Superman: yeah it doe's but I spotted Wonderwoman sun bathing in the nude so I flew down at the speed of light and
give her one.

Marvelman: Blimey I bet that surprised her.

Superman: yeah but not as much as the surprise the Invisible man got who was giving her one at the time.

luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2304 11 Jun 2015 at 8.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!




A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
"Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork? "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
A while later, the rabbi said "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for a while.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2303 10 Jun 2015 at 10.51am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
BREAKING NEWS
It has been reported that at the junction of the M25 and A1M a massive hole has appeared in the road and the police are looking into it.

An elephant was seen on the M1 doing a ton, the AA suggest drive carefully and treat it as a roundabout.
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10074
   Old Thread  #2302 6 Jun 2015 at 1.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2301
My mate thinks he's smart , he told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at his face
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10074
   Old Thread  #2301 30 May 2015 at 11.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2300



A man walks into the doctors and says , " every time I masturbate I shout , come on arsenal"
The doctor replies " most w@nkers do "
stymie is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of stymie (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
stymie
Posts: 734
   Old Thread  #2300 30 May 2015 at 9.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2299
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10074
   Old Thread  #2299 28 May 2015 at 3.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2298
Blimey , that Kym marsh don't hang around .
After her latest love split , she's only gone and married Steve Macdonald
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2298 21 May 2015 at 8.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2297

I was trying to remember the one about a line of elephants each holding the tail with their trunk of the one in front crossing a railway line and the train hit them and pulls them inside out.

Anyone know this one?
denty is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of denty (Mark)
Contact details supplied to MODs
denty
Posts: 918
   Old Thread  #2297 21 May 2015 at 1.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2296
The old ones are always the best
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2296 19 May 2015 at 7.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!


Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5
more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or
third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs,
Ethel!"
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3219
   Old Thread  #2295 16 May 2015 at 6.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!


The sergeant asked a new recruit for his name, to which he replied, "Mack." The sergeant said, "Sorry, I need your full name." The recruit replied, "That is my name."

The sergeant then pointed out that everyone had a Christian name and a surname. The recruit replied, "I was christened John Thomas McDangle originally, but now I'm known simply as Mack."

The sergeant is a little curious and asks for an explanation.

"Well, I left school at 16 and, because I was extremely bright, was admitted to medical school. I qualified before I was 21, thus becoming John Thomas McDangle, MD. But most people considered me too young to practise medicine, so I decided to do further study. I chose theology.

"On completion of these studies I became John Thomas McDangle, MD, DD. Then, unfortunately I got into a bit of trouble with a lady of ill repute and contracted VD.

"The medical board removed my MD, the church removed my DD, the VD removed my John Thomas. I had nothing left to dangle, so now I am just known as Mack."
stymie is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of stymie (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
stymie
Posts: 734
   Old Thread  #2294 15 May 2015 at 8.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2293
Bloke goes to the doctors.

Doc "Hi there, what seems to be the problem?"

Bloke "Erm... bit embarrassed to tell you if I'm honest doctor"

Doc "Nothing to worry about, I can guarantee you that there won't be anything wrong that I haven't happened across before"

Bloke "Well, ok then. It's my erm... little feller doctor, I think there's something wrong with it"

Doc "Ok, you best show me it, once again try not to be worried, I have seen it all before, I can assure you"

"Bloke "Well... Ok then"

He proceeds to unzip and slaps it on the table

Doc " F..K ME! What the hell is that? It's bright orange!

Bloke " I did say there was something wrong doc"

Doc, gathering himself "Yes, ahem... sorry for the outburst... ok then. Does it hurt?

Bloke " Nope, no pain at all"

Doc "Have you been under any stress of late? Worried about anything?

Bloke "Nope, I'm happy as larry, no worries at all"

Doc " Quite unusual, never seen an orange one before. Any marital problems? Wife left you or anything?

Bloke "No, happily single"

Doc "This has got me baffled. Any work problems?"

Bloke "No doc, I live off an inheritance, don't have a job and don't need one."

Doc "How bizarre. Could you explain to me what your daily routine consists of?"

Bloke "Not much really doc, I just spend most days watching porn and eating wotsits"
Page: 25 of 178  
  
   Copyright 2002-2020  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk