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Joke Thread
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ralph69

Posts: 10136

#2327 9 Sept 2015 at 8.42pm

In reply to Post #2326
Even more valuable lesson learned today.......
Don't keep ralgex and anusol next to each other

ralph69

Posts: 10136

#2326 8 Sept 2015 at 9.35pm

Valuable lesson learned this morning ,"...........
Don't keep anusol and Colgate on the same shelf

BrownSBran

Posts: 2

#2325 28 Aug 2015 at 1.35am

In reply to Post #2310
Lol such long topic

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2324 23 Aug 2015 at 12.41pm

After too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
(the house of horizontal refreshment)
JimmyAd notices green lumps
On his wedding tackle. So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Jim, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2323 18 Aug 2015 at 8.58pm

In reply to Post #2322
You think thats bad, when I went to piss in the sink someone left the tap running, I was there for ages

ralph69

Posts: 10136

#2322 17 Aug 2015 at 6.14pm

In reply to Post #2321
I'm thinking about kicking my missus out , every time I try and have a piss in the sink it's always
full of washing up .

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2321 5 Aug 2015 at 8.56pm

Our dog died yesterday, the wife named him Cigarette I don�t know why, he had no legs but he always seemed to be happy, I�m gonna miss taking him out for a drag

elltell

Posts: 1104

#2320 5 Aug 2015 at 8.43pm

In reply to Post #2319

Tel

ralph69

Posts: 10136

#2319 3 Aug 2015 at 11.12pm

My bird told me today that being fat was in her genes ,
I told her , bollox , you look fat in a skirt as well

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2318 18 Jul 2015 at 4.40pm

What makes up
100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U
V W X Y Z

Is represented
as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
= 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
= 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
= 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there.

It�s the Bull**** and ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know WHY some people are where they are!

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2317 17 Jul 2015 at 7.14pm

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, Its what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother; 'Don't eat it, it's an a***hole!'

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2316 17 Jul 2015 at 11.45am

I was asking Mick and Paddy what sort of work they did, all sorts of things, but the most memorable was the one they did at Heathrow airport refueling Concord, they were going about their duties one day when a drop of fuel spilt out of the nozzle and on to Micks hand, being a true Guinness drinker he licked it off, wow he said that's good, try some Paddy, after a while the pair was well and truly Brahms and Liszt, falling about under the plane giggling and laughing, next morning Micks phone rings hhhhh hello, Mick! its Paddy how are you? oh not too bad got a dry mouth, why? Paddy says whatever you do DON'T fart coz I'm phoning from Bahrain

stymie

Posts: 745

#2315 15 Jul 2015 at 7.17pm

In reply to Post #2314
An elderly guy is getting a bit concerned for his wife, she seemed unwell so he took her to the doctors for a check up. After about an hour in the waiting room the doctor approached him. "Well Mr Smith, we have run all kinds of tests but I am afraid to say the results are inconclusive, it seems she may have aids or alzheimers, we just cant tell" "oh dear, that's not good" replied Mr Smith. "What do you suggest I do? "Take her for a drive out to the middle of the woods and drop her off. If she finds her way back home, don't f**k her"

luckyjim

Posts: 3335

#2314 15 Jul 2015 at 7.06pm

In reply to Post #2313

PPPIKER

Posts: 529

#2313 15 Jul 2015 at 3.28pm

In reply to Post #2312
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !

Tis me, ..........................
I've quit Drinking !"


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