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   Old Thread  #2327 9 Sept 2015 at 8.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2326
Even more valuable lesson learned today.......
Don't keep ralgex and anusol next to each other
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   Old Thread  #2326 8 Sept 2015 at 9.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Valuable lesson learned this morning ,"...........
Don't keep anusol and Colgate on the same shelf
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   Old Thread  #2325 28 Aug 2015 at 1.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Lol such long topic
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   Old Thread  #2324 23 Aug 2015 at 12.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
After too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
(the house of horizontal refreshment)
JimmyAd notices green lumps
On his wedding tackle. So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Jim, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
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   Old Thread  #2323 18 Aug 2015 at 8.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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You think thats bad, when I went to piss in the sink someone left the tap running, I was there for ages
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   Old Thread  #2322 17 Aug 2015 at 6.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I'm thinking about kicking my missus out , every time I try and have a piss in the sink it's always
full of washing up .
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   Old Thread  #2321 5 Aug 2015 at 8.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Our dog died yesterday, the wife named him Cigarette I donít know why, he had no legs but he always seemed to be happy, Iím gonna miss taking him out for a drag
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   Old Thread  #2320 5 Aug 2015 at 8.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Tel
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   Old Thread  #2319 3 Aug 2015 at 11.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My bird told me today that being fat was in her genes ,
I told her , bollox , you look fat in a skirt as well
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   Old Thread  #2318 18 Jul 2015 at 4.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

What makes up
100% in life?



Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:


If:

A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U
V W X Y Z

Is represented
as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
= 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
= 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
= 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there.

Itís the Bull**** and ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know WHY some people are where they are!
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   Old Thread  #2317 17 Jul 2015 at 7.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, Its what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother; 'Don't eat it, it's an a***hole!'
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   Old Thread  #2316 17 Jul 2015 at 11.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was asking Mick and Paddy what sort of work they did, all sorts of things, but the most memorable was the one they did at Heathrow airport refueling Concord, they were going about their duties one day when a drop of fuel spilt out of the nozzle and on to Micks hand, being a true Guinness drinker he licked it off, wow he said that's good, try some Paddy, after a while the pair was well and truly Brahms and Liszt, falling about under the plane giggling and laughing, next morning Micks phone rings hhhhh hello, Mick! its Paddy how are you? oh not too bad got a dry mouth, why? Paddy says whatever you do DON'T fart coz I'm phoning from Bahrain
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   Old Thread  #2315 15 Jul 2015 at 7.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2314
An elderly guy is getting a bit concerned for his wife, she seemed unwell so he took her to the doctors for a check up. After about an hour in the waiting room the doctor approached him. "Well Mr Smith, we have run all kinds of tests but I am afraid to say the results are inconclusive, it seems she may have aids or alzheimers, we just cant tell" "oh dear, that's not good" replied Mr Smith. "What do you suggest I do? "Take her for a drive out to the middle of the woods and drop her off. If she finds her way back home, don't f**k her"
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   Old Thread  #2314 15 Jul 2015 at 7.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2313 15 Jul 2015 at 3.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2312
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !

Tis me, ..........................
I've quit Drinking !"
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