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 #2388 16 Jan 2016 at 12.53pm | |   |
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My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
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#2387 13 Jan 2016 at 6.56pm | | |
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Do you know what the first sign of Madness is ,
Suggs walking up you're drive
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#2386 12 Jan 2016 at 3.47pm | | |
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I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.
I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called A couple of drinks with the girls after work.
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#2385 12 Jan 2016 at 11.12am | | |
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Sean Connery walks into a cake shop in Sauchiehall Street and says to the woman serving, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
The woman replies, "No your right, it's a macaroon"
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#2384 10 Jan 2016 at 7.34pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2383
 
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#2383 8 Jan 2016 at 7.33pm | | |
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I went down to the morgue to identify my wife's body when just before the Mortician lifted the sheet some gas escaped resulting in a farting sound.
"I'm sorry, " he said, "this happens sometimes. "
"No need to lift the sheet, " I replied, "I would recognise that smell anywhere. "
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#2382 5 Jan 2016 at 9.27pm | | |
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Why are some people so thick . Was out with my dog today this bloke came up to me and said what's that ?
So I told him , it's a dog
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#2381 4 Jan 2016 at 5.53pm | | |
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A woman goes to the doctor and says I think I'm pregnant will you examine me so I know for sure, OK says doc get your kit off and jump on this (pointing to the couch) after a brief fondle in all departments the doc says no....it's wind, thank you says woman and goes home to tell her husband, a week goes bye and she visits the doc again.....I'm sure I'm pregnant will you check again for me........after another fondle in the canyon and everywhere else he says no as I said before its wind.....oh OK she says.....goes home and tells the old fella the news.....NO NO that's not right I'll come with you....doc confirms to them both "its wind".......the old geezer says your 100% sure.....yes says the doc.....with that the fella slaps his bobby dangler on the desk and says.....what do you think this is.........a bloody bicycle pump.
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#2380 3 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2379
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#2379 3 Jan 2016 at 1.01pm | | |
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I saw a woman coming out of a building chanting "I MUST I MUST IMPROVE MY BUST" I said to her what's this all about, she said its a new type of enlargement therapy, I thought I would investigate, as I went into the lobby a guy came out chanting "HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
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#2378 3 Jan 2016 at 12.47pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2377
Wife says to husband what would you say if you caught me in bed with your best friend
I'd call you a lesbian
no no what if it was a mas, what would you do I'd kick his guide dog
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#2377 1 Jan 2016 at 9.30pm | | |
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2 New Years Resolutions:
- Wash hands after taking a sh1t at work.
- Improve on my Big Mac preparation time.
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#2376 1 Jan 2016 at 6.38pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2375
Bloke says to his missus , why don't you tell me when you've had an orgasm?
She says , because I don't like ringing you at work
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#2375 31 Dec 2015 at 10.16pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2374
Why did Adele cross the road,
To say hello from the other side
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#2374 29 Dec 2015 at 6.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2373
stick that on the footy thread and get lashed
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