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Joke Thread
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Mr-Magoo

Posts: 9617

#246 2 Aug 2012 at 8.34pm

is it just me or have you noticed how much the chinese swimmers have improved since morcambe bay in 2004 ?

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#245 2 Aug 2012 at 8.28pm

In reply to Post #243
Kin iphone!!

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#244 2 Aug 2012 at 8.27pm

In reply to Post #243
Beltin!!

sik

Posts: 2391

#243 2 Aug 2012 at 7.44pm

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,

' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,

'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:

'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, !

'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Bugger it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says,

'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,

'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T You shut the hell up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

ONLY WHEN HES P1SSED

sik

Posts: 2391

#242 2 Aug 2012 at 8.43am

In reply to Post #239

sik

Posts: 2391

#241 2 Aug 2012 at 8.41am

Two married women go to a bar for a girls' night out.
After way too many cocktails, they decide they should walk home.
Stumbling past a graveyard, they both decide they need to pee, and nip in and squat behind some tombstones. They realize they don't have any kleenex for wiping, so one girl takes off her panties, uses them to wipe and throws them away. The other one doesn't want to spoil her exp
ensive matching bra and panty set, so she scratches around in the dark and finds a ribbon from a wreath, which does the job.
After that they make their way home.
The next day, husband No. 1 phones husband No.2. He says "This girls' night out thing has got to stop! Last night my wife came home with no panties on!" Husband No. 2: "That's nothing! My wife came home with a card stuck on her ass that read 'From all of us at the fire station. We'll never forget you!!"

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#240 1 Aug 2012 at 6.33am

So Drogba leaves and moves to China. A few weeks later China clean up in the Olympic diving medals. Coinicidence?

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#239 1 Aug 2012 at 6.31am

600 million Indians were plunged into darkness today...when the country's main electricity supplier fell off his bike.

Patrick2

Posts: 3

#238 31 Jul 2012 at 2.18pm

In reply to Post #2
A man walking along Redcar beach trips on an old bottle sticking out the sand ,so he digs it up and gives it a good rub to clean it of suddenly out pops a Genie, many thanks man says the Genie I've been stuck in that bottle for 2 thousand years right I'll be of now, hang on a minute mate says the man you owe me three wishes for letting you out, NoNo mate that only happens in Arabian night tales , still he says you did get me out the bottle I'll give you one wish what would you wish for, I've always want to see America, no problem well go on my magic carpet , the man says know I can't I'm always air sick same on ships always sea sick , look build me a motorway from this beach to New York , the Genie says man that will take me a fortnight, is there anything easier that I might get you, the man says some times I get lonely I could do with a good woman but she must be clever a good cook witty and a good conversationalist in short she has to be PERFECT. The Genie says and what was your first wish again ?

Great-Blondini

Posts: 11794

[ MODERATOR ]

#237 28 Jul 2012 at 3.30pm

In reply to Post #236

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#236 28 Jul 2012 at 2.47pm

Having watched the opening ceremony, I must say...

I've seen better Bond girls.

sik

Posts: 2391

#235 25 Jul 2012 at 10.10am

Susan Boyle has just released her new book .... "50 shaves a day

sik

Posts: 2391

#234 25 Jul 2012 at 9.02am

I called around to my new girlfriend's place last night with a big bunch of flowers for her. She opened the door, saw the flowers, and dragged me inside. She laid back on the couch, pulled her skirt up, ripped her knickers off and said, "This is for the flowers.""Don't be silly', I replied, 'You must have a vase somewhere

jimmyAd

Posts: 8974

#233 24 Jul 2012 at 9.25pm

Last night I was.sat on the edge of the bed pulling of my boxers and the wife said to me....please dont do that to the dogs.

She told me that a small penis doesnt bother her during sex...personally I would rather she didnt have one

carpy09

Posts: 13304

#232 24 Jul 2012 at 8.27pm

In reply to Post #229


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