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Joke Thread
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stusid

Posts: 688

#254 4 Aug 2012 at 6.10pm

In reply to Post #253
sailing results are in ,,,, gb have taken gold .
usa have taken silver. somalia have taken a middle age couple from weymouth ,

carpy09

Posts: 12400

#253 3 Aug 2012 at 6.51pm

In reply to Post #243

Patrick2

Posts: 3

#252 3 Aug 2012 at 10.32am

In reply to Post #238
A pirate walks into a bar and the bar man says I haven't seen you in a long time are you ok.
Pirate says I'm fine gives us a pint. The bar man says how you come by your wooden leg,
Pirate says we ended up in a fire fight with a British frigate in the bay of Biscay a cannon ball took my leg off hence the wooden one. And how did you come by your hook, we boarded a Spanish gallion looking for treasure ended up in a sword fight and had my hand cut of so I got this hook, the bar man says we'll what happened with eye , pirate says we where sailing out of port great flock of segulls overhead and one cr--ped in my eye, hang on says the barman you don't lose an eye because of bird poo. The pirate says it was the first day out with my HOOK.

Patrick2

Posts: 3

#251 3 Aug 2012 at 10.12am

In reply to Post #243
Sik, I like that story

sik

Posts: 2391

#250 3 Aug 2012 at 8.06am

'50 SHADES OF CHAV'

Chapter 1.....

50 shades of Chav."As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His
favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had fcuked his tea up after failing to de- frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ass. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which is rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.

To be continued...

sik

Posts: 2391

#249 3 Aug 2012 at 7.07am

The phone rings, a woman answers. A pervert,says;"I bet you have a tight hairless ass hole ."Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV; who shall I say is calling

sik

Posts: 2391

#248 3 Aug 2012 at 7.03am

Q ~ What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A ~ Full

sik

Posts: 2391

#247 3 Aug 2012 at 6.58am

Husband hires a hit man 2 kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man says I would shoot her just below her left tit. Husband says i want her dead not knee capped

Mr-Magoo

Posts: 9385

#246 2 Aug 2012 at 8.34pm

is it just me or have you noticed how much the chinese swimmers have improved since morcambe bay in 2004 ?

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#245 2 Aug 2012 at 8.28pm

In reply to Post #243
Kin iphone!!

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#244 2 Aug 2012 at 8.27pm

In reply to Post #243
Beltin!!

sik

Posts: 2391

#243 2 Aug 2012 at 7.44pm

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,

' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,

'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:

'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, !

'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Bugger it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says,

'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,

'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T You shut the hell up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

ONLY WHEN HES P1SSED

sik

Posts: 2391

#242 2 Aug 2012 at 8.43am

In reply to Post #239

sik

Posts: 2391

#241 2 Aug 2012 at 8.41am

Two married women go to a bar for a girls' night out.
After way too many cocktails, they decide they should walk home.
Stumbling past a graveyard, they both decide they need to pee, and nip in and squat behind some tombstones. They realize they don't have any kleenex for wiping, so one girl takes off her panties, uses them to wipe and throws them away. The other one doesn't want to spoil her exp
ensive matching bra and panty set, so she scratches around in the dark and finds a ribbon from a wreath, which does the job.
After that they make their way home.
The next day, husband No. 1 phones husband No.2. He says "This girls' night out thing has got to stop! Last night my wife came home with no panties on!" Husband No. 2: "That's nothing! My wife came home with a card stuck on her ass that read 'From all of us at the fire station. We'll never forget you!!"

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#240 1 Aug 2012 at 6.33am

So Drogba leaves and moves to China. A few weeks later China clean up in the Olympic diving medals. Coinicidence?


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