CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #282 27 Aug 2012 at 5.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
a thug,a racist,an adulterer and a footballer walk in to a pub.
the barman says,"what can i get you Mr Terry?"
Benjio21 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Benjio21 (Ben)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Benjio21
Posts: 146
   Old Thread  #281 24 Aug 2012 at 2.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I have a little Sat nav
It sits there in my car
- A Sat nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are -

I have a little Sat nav
I'll have it all my life
Itís better than the normal ones
My Sat nav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other road user
Has this advanced device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's very fraught
So why don't I just trade it in
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
And makes sure I am fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed

Despite all these advantages
I know I've friends who scoff
The truth is I can't find the way
To turn the damned thing off.
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3442
   Old Thread  #280 24 Aug 2012 at 10.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was talking to Andy Gray earlier. He told me FIFA 13 is so realistic that when it rains you get to see Sian Masseys nipples through her shirt.
MrGrantski is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of MrGrantski (Grants)
Contact details supplied to MODs
MrGrantski
Posts: 953
   Old Thread  #279 23 Aug 2012 at 7.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #278
ah did ya.. classic aint it :D
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22684
   Old Thread  #278 23 Aug 2012 at 11.15am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #277
I posted that one a while back,still makes me chuckle reading it again though.....
MrGrantski is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of MrGrantski (Grants)
Contact details supplied to MODs
MrGrantski
Posts: 953
   Old Thread  #277 20 Aug 2012 at 9.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Text the missus to see what she was up to, she said Gavin from autoglass was injecting his special resin into her crack.. Now i'm not normally a suspicious person, but i've got the car!
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22684
   Old Thread  #276 19 Aug 2012 at 12.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #275
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #275 19 Aug 2012 at 10.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
chinese man rings boss "me no work i sick" boss says "when im sick i fcuk my wife try that" 2hours later chinese man rings back "me better, you got nice house
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #274 16 Aug 2012 at 5.57pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Old framer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son,this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i cant dig the field by myself,i know if you were here ,you would help me .
The son writes back;dad don't even think of digging the field because that's were i buried the money i stole.
The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The following day the son wrote again......Now plant your potatoes dad.......its the best i can do from here.
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #273 16 Aug 2012 at 5.57pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22684
   Old Thread  #272 16 Aug 2012 at 10.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #269
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #271 16 Aug 2012 at 10.54am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she has a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of steaming hot dog sh1t over her carpet and says, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog sh1t from your carpet, i will eat what's left" "Well" she says "I hope you are f.....g hungry because the electricity was cut off this morning
Samjones_94 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Samjones_94 (Sam)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Samjones_94
Posts: 513
   Old Thread  #270 16 Aug 2012 at 0.51am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Photobucket

Believe it or not, i do actually have better things to do with my wednesday evenings!
Samjones_94 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Samjones_94 (Sam)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Samjones_94
Posts: 513
   Old Thread  #269 16 Aug 2012 at 0.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Robin Van Persie and Wayne rooney will now be known as ... Fatman and Robin

Photobucket
Samjones_94 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Samjones_94 (Sam)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Samjones_94
Posts: 513
   Old Thread  #268 16 Aug 2012 at 0.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Photobucket
Page: 161 of 179  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2021  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk