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 #282 27 Aug 2012 at 5.19pm | |   |
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a thug,a racist,an adulterer and a footballer walk in to a pub.
the barman says,"what can i get you Mr Terry?"
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#281 24 Aug 2012 at 2.21pm | | |
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I have a little Sat nav
It sits there in my car
- A Sat nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are -
I have a little Sat nav
I'll have it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Sat nav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other road user
Has this advanced device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's very fraught
So why don't I just trade it in
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
And makes sure I am fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed
Despite all these advantages
I know I've friends who scoff
The truth is I can't find the way
To turn the damned thing off.
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#280 24 Aug 2012 at 10.19am | | |
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I was talking to Andy Gray earlier. He told me FIFA 13 is so realistic that when it rains you get to see Sian Masseys nipples through her shirt.
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#279 23 Aug 2012 at 7.01pm | | |
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In reply to Post #278
ah did ya.. classic aint it :D
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#278 23 Aug 2012 at 11.15am | | |
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In reply to Post #277
I posted that one a while back,still makes me chuckle reading it again though.....  
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#277 20 Aug 2012 at 9.56pm | | |
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Text the missus to see what she was up to, she said Gavin from autoglass was injecting his special resin into her crack.. Now i'm not normally a suspicious person, but i've got the car!
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#276 19 Aug 2012 at 12.26pm | | |
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In reply to Post #275
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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#275 19 Aug 2012 at 10.16am | | |
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chinese man rings boss "me no work i sick" boss says "when im sick i fcuk my wife try that" 2hours later chinese man rings back "me better, you got nice house
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#274 16 Aug 2012 at 5.57pm | | |
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Old framer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son,this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i cant dig the field by myself,i know if you were here ,you would help me .
The son writes back;dad don't even think of digging the field because that's were i buried the money i stole.
The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The following day the son wrote again......Now plant your potatoes dad.......its the best i can do from here. 
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#273 16 Aug 2012 at 5.57pm | | |
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#272 16 Aug 2012 at 10.57am | | |
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In reply to Post #269
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#271 16 Aug 2012 at 10.54am | | |
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A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she has a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of steaming hot dog sh1t over her carpet and says, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog sh1t from your carpet, i will eat what's left" "Well" she says "I hope you are f.....g hungry because the electricity was cut off this morning
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#270 16 Aug 2012 at 0.51am | | |
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Believe it or not, i do actually have better things to do with my wednesday evenings!
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#269 16 Aug 2012 at 0.50am | | |
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Robin Van Persie and Wayne rooney will now be known as ... Fatman and Robin
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#268 16 Aug 2012 at 0.49am | | |
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