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   Old Thread  #263 13 Aug 2012 at 8.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell....

it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.
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   Old Thread  #262 13 Aug 2012 at 4.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Paddy buys the new automatic BMW...
He drives the car perfectly well during the day,
but at night it just won't move at all
he tries driving the car at night for a week but still
no luck.
He then furiously calls the BMW dealer,
the technician asks, "Sir, you are sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger Paddy replies, " What do you take for an idiot!!? I use D for the day and N for the night
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   Old Thread  #261 12 Aug 2012 at 12.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #260 12 Aug 2012 at 7.21am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got a new deodorant today, the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome...
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   Old Thread  #259 7 Aug 2012 at 5.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
i,ve been buying a lot of beer recently.....god,i hope i'm not becoming a shopaholic
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   Old Thread  #258 7 Aug 2012 at 5.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
my sex change from male to female,went really well yesterday.
It was so successful,i'm still trying to reverse out of the f--king hospital car park.
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   Old Thread  #257 6 Aug 2012 at 6.14am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #256 6 Aug 2012 at 1.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room comple
tely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat
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   Old Thread  #255 4 Aug 2012 at 7.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Apparently Rebecca Adlington's going to retire from swimming and become a wine taster.

She thinks she's got a nose for it.
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   Old Thread  #254 4 Aug 2012 at 6.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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sailing results are in ,,,, gb have taken gold .
usa have taken silver. somalia have taken a middle age couple from weymouth ,
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   Old Thread  #253 3 Aug 2012 at 6.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #252 3 Aug 2012 at 10.32am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #238
A pirate walks into a bar and the bar man says I haven't seen you in a long time are you ok.
Pirate says I'm fine gives us a pint. The bar man says how you come by your wooden leg,
Pirate says we ended up in a fire fight with a British frigate in the bay of Biscay a cannon ball took my leg off hence the wooden one. And how did you come by your hook, we boarded a Spanish gallion looking for treasure ended up in a sword fight and had my hand cut of so I got this hook, the bar man says we'll what happened with eye , pirate says we where sailing out of port great flock of segulls overhead and one cr--ped in my eye, hang on says the barman you don't lose an eye because of bird poo. The pirate says it was the first day out with my HOOK.
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   Old Thread  #251 3 Aug 2012 at 10.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Sik, I like that story
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   Old Thread  #250 3 Aug 2012 at 8.06am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!


'50 SHADES OF CHAV'

Chapter 1.....

50 shades of Chav."As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His
favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had fcuked his tea up after failing to de- frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ass. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which is rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.

To be continued...




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   Old Thread  #249 3 Aug 2012 at 7.07am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The phone rings, a woman answers. A pervert,says;"I bet you have a tight hairless ass hole ."Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV; who shall I say is calling
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