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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#615 27 Nov 2012 at 8.22pm

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.So off home he goes, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He holds it up to his ear and begins to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Bolton, parts of Stoke on Trent and anywhere in N.Wales – and Sunderland

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3448

#614 27 Nov 2012 at 6.13pm

In reply to Post #609
1 of the best in ages that lad !!!!

carpy09

Posts: 13092

#613 27 Nov 2012 at 6.06pm

In reply to Post #609

carpy09

Posts: 13092

#612 27 Nov 2012 at 6.04pm

In reply to Post #608

sik

Posts: 2391

#611 27 Nov 2012 at 5.30pm

In reply to Post #609

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#610 27 Nov 2012 at 5.22pm

In reply to Post #609

SlugHunter

Posts: 22699

#609 27 Nov 2012 at 10.17am

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxing' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying' over a beer.

Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxing' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..." He paused and took a big gulp of beer. "She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

sik

Posts: 2391

#608 27 Nov 2012 at 8.54am

I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over:"Anything I can do for you?" She purred."Yeah" I said, "get your tits out.""Ooh...you like my titties do ya?" She giggled."No love" I said, "they're dangling in my curry.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#607 27 Nov 2012 at 6.57am

Just found out my Grand dad was half Irish and half Chinese.
he is called pat Noodle.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#606 25 Nov 2012 at 8.26pm

In reply to Post #605
I'm at the doctors surgery,and they don't know why I have this rather nasty rash on my ********.Guess I'II have to wait for the doctor now,these other patients are f--king clueless.