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Joke Thread
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carpy09

Posts: 13304

#648 3 Dec 2012 at 6.42pm

In reply to Post #647

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#647 3 Dec 2012 at 6.29pm

Kate Middleton fell pregnant because William wasn’t able to use one of the best forms of contraception.

A tit ****.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#646 3 Dec 2012 at 5.05pm

Having green fingers is usually a good thing.

Unless you're with the hulk's daughter when he arrives home.

Carpbinhio

Posts: 479

#645 3 Dec 2012 at 1.34pm

In reply to Post #644
I was at a restaurant amd my waitress had a black eye....so i ordered rreeeaallllyyyy slow, because she obviously doesnt listen!

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#644 2 Dec 2012 at 5.37pm

My mate from Toxteth has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.I asked him which website he saw them on.he replied "Google Earth"

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#643 2 Dec 2012 at 11.40am

For years I thought I had a birthmark on my arse. It turned out to be a cigar burn.

Hows about that then?

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#642 2 Dec 2012 at 9.40am

The wife has been missing for over a week now.Police said to prepare for the worst,so I've been to the charity shop to get all her cloths back!

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#641 2 Dec 2012 at 9.37am

My wife,being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that,when I'm in a good mood,it turns green and,when I'm in a bad mood,it leaves a big f--king red mark on her forehead.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#640 2 Dec 2012 at 9.32am

The Jeremy Kyle Christmas song...
12 cans of Carling,11 DNA tests,10 Dads to choose from 9 teeth between them.8 squeezed in tracksuits 7 stinking smack-rats,6 Dun lop trainers,5 STOLEN RINGS 4 fat sl-gs 3 ugly ****s 2 timing c--ts..and a wa-ker who parades them on TV.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#639 2 Dec 2012 at 9.24am

I'm getting really excited-only 3 more Chelsea managers until Christmas.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#638 2 Dec 2012 at 9.22am

In reply to Post #637

Thumbs up on that one

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#637 1 Dec 2012 at 11.42pm

In reply to Post #636
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said ‘yes’, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that's fair, . . . . . tit for tat.

You won't hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. I gotta lilo.

Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic,

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £100,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running."

My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at my Chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Marion) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few seconds.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the crap out of me....

Snapper1725

Posts: 1050

#636 1 Dec 2012 at 9.47pm

In reply to Post #633

Nice yan

carpy09

Posts: 13304

#635 1 Dec 2012 at 7.52pm

In reply to Post #633

ralph69

Posts: 10273

#634 1 Dec 2012 at 7.05pm

In reply to Post #633


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