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   Old Thread  #650 3 Dec 2012 at 9.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #647
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   Old Thread  #649 3 Dec 2012 at 8.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My missus has asked for something in silk for Christmas...
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the f--king wrong colour!
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   Old Thread  #648 3 Dec 2012 at 6.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #647 3 Dec 2012 at 6.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Kate Middleton fell pregnant because William wasn’t able to use one of the best forms of contraception.

A tit ****.
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   Old Thread  #646 3 Dec 2012 at 5.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Having green fingers is usually a good thing.

Unless you're with the hulk's daughter when he arrives home.
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   Old Thread  #645 3 Dec 2012 at 1.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I was at a restaurant amd my waitress had a black eye....so i ordered rreeeaallllyyyy slow, because she obviously doesnt listen!
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   Old Thread  #644 2 Dec 2012 at 5.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My mate from Toxteth has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.I asked him which website he saw them on.he replied "Google Earth"
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   Old Thread  #643 2 Dec 2012 at 11.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
For years I thought I had a birthmark on my arse. It turned out to be a cigar burn.

Hows about that then?
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   Old Thread  #642 2 Dec 2012 at 9.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife has been missing for over a week now.Police said to prepare for the worst,so I've been to the charity shop to get all her cloths back!
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   Old Thread  #641 2 Dec 2012 at 9.37am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife,being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that,when I'm in a good mood,it turns green and,when I'm in a bad mood,it leaves a big f--king red mark on her forehead.
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   Old Thread  #640 2 Dec 2012 at 9.32am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The Jeremy Kyle Christmas song...
12 cans of Carling,11 DNA tests,10 Dads to choose from 9 teeth between them.8 squeezed in tracksuits 7 stinking smack-rats,6 Dun lop trainers,5 STOLEN RINGS 4 fat sl-gs 3 ugly ****s 2 timing c--ts..and a wa-ker who parades them on TV.
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   Old Thread  #639 2 Dec 2012 at 9.24am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I'm getting really excited-only 3 more Chelsea managers until Christmas.
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   Old Thread  #638 2 Dec 2012 at 9.22am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Thumbs up on that one
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   Old Thread  #637 1 Dec 2012 at 11.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said ‘yes’, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that's fair, . . . . . tit for tat.


You won't hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. I gotta lilo.

Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic,

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £100,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running."

My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at my Chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Marion) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few seconds.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the crap out of me....



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   Old Thread  #636 1 Dec 2012 at 9.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Nice yan
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