|
|
|
|
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #775
 
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #775
 beltin!!!!!
|
|
| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
|
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better. 
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #769
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #764
|
|
| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
|
In reply to Post #770
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #770
|
|
|
|
What is white, the size of a smartie and can induce a cardiac arrest in a 74 year old man within one second?
Paul Daniels door bell
|
|
|
|
|
Breaking news; FA to introduce sponge footballs and safety helmets after van Persie near death experience.
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #767
|
|
|
|
I can't wait to unwrap and open 'Footballers' Cluedo' tomorrow.
I bet it was 'Ashley Williams' in 'The Liberty Stadium' with 'The Ball'.
|
|
|
|
In reply to Post #764
|
|
| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
|
|
|
|
Paul Daniels has revealed that, 40 years ago he picked up a hitchhiker and kissed her intimately only to discover she was a schoolgirl. He has therefore escaped 4 decades of prison and a media hate campaign.
Now *that's* magic!!
|
|
NON Carp stuff