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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#728 18 Dec 2012 at 4.59pm

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#727 18 Dec 2012 at 3.00pm

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.

sik

Posts: 2391

#726 18 Dec 2012 at 9.31am

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy

cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra

and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her

pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.

She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it

on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good' she continued.

'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17

I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the

National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000

and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that

and I thought she would get up and go.

But she took my hand off her thigh and put it

up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm

as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again she said, 'I'll bet you do.

In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have.

In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds

left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half

of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping

past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of

would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,

chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored

a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds

'til full time. We were still behind by one point,

but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.�

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,

more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under

her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp

of soft cotton and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man:

Have you ever felt such a perfect c@nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered,

'I missed the kick.' !!

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#725 17 Dec 2012 at 7.15pm

In reply to Post #724

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#724 17 Dec 2012 at 4.51pm

I've got my hands full with my new Lesbian neighbours.

Binoculars in one, cock in the other.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#723 16 Dec 2012 at 3.48pm

So the world is due to end on the 21st of December...

I hope I'm sitting next to Alex Ferguson when it happens, as he'll get 10 minutes longer than everyone else.

MrGrantski

Posts: 953

#722 15 Dec 2012 at 4.17pm

"Why are your eyes red?" I asked my teenage son.

"I've been smoking dope, Dad," he said.

So I punched him in the face. The lying little emo ****er's been crying again.

ralph69

Posts: 10270

#721 15 Dec 2012 at 4.01pm

In reply to Post #720

cruel , but ****ing funny

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#720 15 Dec 2012 at 3.54pm

It's freezing cold outside, frost and fog everywhere.

But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive?

ralph69

Posts: 10270

#719 15 Dec 2012 at 1.18am

In reply to Post #718

tinofmaggots

Posts: 5835

#718 14 Dec 2012 at 8.30pm

In reply to Post #1
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"**** R...on, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did....

And then she said,

"Do whatever you want.

So . . . .

here I am !

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#717 14 Dec 2012 at 5.55pm

The wife came downstairs the other night just after having a bath and said to me,"I've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"I replied " Yeah fu**ing plugs blocked again."

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#716 14 Dec 2012 at 5.13pm

Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked "What am I getting for Christmas?"

She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This"

I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#715 14 Dec 2012 at 3.53pm

My mum caught me going through her knicker drawer last night.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.

"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."�

"I thought you was being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"

I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."

ralph69

Posts: 10270

#714 14 Dec 2012 at 3.41pm

In reply to Post #713
two idiots sitting in the pub discussing there next adventure
a bloke sitting nearby says , sorry , i couldnt help overhearing you discussing going
to the sun in a spacehip.
do you not realise that as you get close to it you will disintergrate because of the
intense heat it produces.
ah yes , weve already thought of that says the idiot, and thats why weve decided to go at night


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