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 #735 19 Dec 2012 at 9.23pm | |   |
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In reply to Post #733
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| | | noj | | Posts: 10686 |  | | Social photographer... | |
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#734 19 Dec 2012 at 7.28pm | | |
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The missus packed my bags and kicked me out last week.
As I walked down the garden path she shouted "I hope you live a miserable life and die a slow painful death you ****!"
"Make your bloody mind up, do you want me to go or not?"
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#733 19 Dec 2012 at 6.37pm | | |
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"Why do men always fall asleep after they cum?", asked my wife.
"I don't know", I replied, struggling to open my eyes.
"Well, get off the toilet, I need a sh1t."
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#732 19 Dec 2012 at 4.46pm | | |
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i phoned up the fishing helpline today and said
im crap at fishing , can you give me some tips,
the man said , okay , can you hold the line,
i replied no
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#731 19 Dec 2012 at 4.05pm | | |
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My kids keep taking the pi$$ out of my alzheimer's. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas and find no eggs under the bonfire.
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#730 19 Dec 2012 at 10.06am | | |
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I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier..
After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi.
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#729 19 Dec 2012 at 8.56am | | |
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Hi Lads
I've been in hospital.
Just to let you know that im back home.
The doctors think that I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicssilicovalcanoconiosis,but at the moment its hard to say.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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#728 18 Dec 2012 at 4.59pm | | |
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Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it
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#727 18 Dec 2012 at 3.00pm | | |
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#726 18 Dec 2012 at 9.31am | | |
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Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy
cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra
and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her
pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it
on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.
'I'll bet you feel good' she continued.
'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17
I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the
National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000
and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that
and I thought she would get up and go.
But she took my hand off her thigh and put it
up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm
as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again she said, 'I'll bet you do.
In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have.
In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds
left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half
of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping
past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of
would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored
a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds
'til full time. We were still behind by one point,
but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,
more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under
her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp
of soft cotton and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man:
Have you ever felt such a perfect c@nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered,
'I missed the kick.' !!
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#725 17 Dec 2012 at 7.15pm | | |
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In reply to Post #724
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#724 17 Dec 2012 at 4.51pm | | |
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I've got my hands full with my new Lesbian neighbours.
Binoculars in one, cock in the other.
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#723 16 Dec 2012 at 3.48pm | | |
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So the world is due to end on the 21st of December...
I hope I'm sitting next to Alex Ferguson when it happens, as he'll get 10 minutes longer than everyone else.
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#722 15 Dec 2012 at 4.17pm | | |
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"Why are your eyes red?" I asked my teenage son.
"I've been smoking dope, Dad," he said.
So I punched him in the face. The lying little emo ****er's been crying again.
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#721 15 Dec 2012 at 4.01pm | | |
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In reply to Post #720
 cruel , but ****ing funny
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