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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#809 1 Jan 2013 at 6.23pm

Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow.

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.

Cop: Excuse me mam, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?

Driver: Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.

Cop: Mam, the speed limit is 55mph, the sign you saw was for this road, Highway 14.

Driver: Oh my, that makes a lot of sense now. I apologize & I'll make sure I look closer at the signs.

The cop then looks around the car & notices that all of the passengers look like they've seen a ghost.

Cop: Is everyone alright?

Driver: Oh yes. They'll be fine. They always have that look on their face after I drive on highway 151

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#808 1 Jan 2013 at 8.12am

Last. Nite I had a w**k just before 12 so it felt like the whole country was behinds counting down a cheering me on!

carpy09

Posts: 13301

#807 31 Dec 2012 at 9.13pm

In reply to Post #806

jimmyAd

Posts: 8974

#806 31 Dec 2012 at 8.39pm

I got 3 young kids and work all year to make sure they get what they want christmas morning, only for that fat **** with the beard to get all the credit.....my fault really for marrying her

carpy09

Posts: 13301

#805 31 Dec 2012 at 3.45pm

In reply to Post #798

Bluemoon1

Posts: 468

#804 31 Dec 2012 at 2.28pm

In reply to Post #802
Happy new year to you all. I am contacting you now as I suffer from premature congratulations.

davecarp1

Posts: 418

#803 31 Dec 2012 at 2.27pm

In reply to Post #778
true so true

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#802 31 Dec 2012 at 12.07pm

In reply to Post #801
Sicko......

ralph69

Posts: 10270

#801 31 Dec 2012 at 12.01pm

In reply to Post #800
necrophilliach,
i used to be one of those till some rotten **** split on me

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#800 31 Dec 2012 at 11.25am

What's a necrophiliac's favourite position?

Decomposition.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#799 31 Dec 2012 at 11.16am

In reply to Post #798

sik

Posts: 2391

#798 31 Dec 2012 at 7.04am

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b@stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

carpy09

Posts: 13301

#797 30 Dec 2012 at 6.46pm

In reply to Post #795

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#796 30 Dec 2012 at 4.55pm

Just watched a Stan Boardman DVD and this was on - the old ones are the best

Stan Boardman

And another:

A mother in the UK has given birth to a 16lb baby..... the hospital staff are taking bets on who'll walk first.

sik

Posts: 2391

#795 30 Dec 2012 at 2.29pm

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the
cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire
and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What
kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot ar$ehole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!


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