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   Old Thread  #809 1 Jan 2013 at 6.23pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow.

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.

Cop: Excuse me mam, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?

Driver: Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.

Cop: Mam, the speed limit is 55mph, the sign you saw was for this road, Highway 14.

Driver: Oh my, that makes a lot of sense now. I apologize & I'll make sure I look closer at the signs.

The cop then looks around the car & notices that all of the passengers look like they've seen a ghost.

Cop: Is everyone alright?

Driver: Oh yes. They'll be fine. They always have that look on their face after I drive on highway 151
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   Old Thread  #808 1 Jan 2013 at 8.12am  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Last. Nite I had a w**k just before 12 so it felt like the whole country was behinds counting down a cheering me on!
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   Old Thread  #807 31 Dec 2012 at 9.13pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #806
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   Old Thread  #806 31 Dec 2012 at 8.39pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got 3 young kids and work all year to make sure they get what they want christmas morning, only for that fat **** with the beard to get all the credit.....my fault really for marrying her
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   Old Thread  #805 31 Dec 2012 at 3.45pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #798
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   Old Thread  #804 31 Dec 2012 at 2.28pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Happy new year to you all. I am contacting you now as I suffer from premature congratulations.
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   Old Thread  #803 31 Dec 2012 at 2.27pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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true so true
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   Old Thread  #802 31 Dec 2012 at 12.07pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Sicko......
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   Old Thread  #801 31 Dec 2012 at 12.01pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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necrophilliach,
i used to be one of those till some rotten **** split on me
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   Old Thread  #800 31 Dec 2012 at 11.25am  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's a necrophiliac's favourite position?

Decomposition.
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   Old Thread  #799 31 Dec 2012 at 11.16am  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #798 31 Dec 2012 at 7.04am  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b@stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.
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   Old Thread  #797 30 Dec 2012 at 6.46pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #796 30 Dec 2012 at 4.55pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just watched a Stan Boardman DVD and this was on - the old ones are the best

Stan Boardman


And another:

A mother in the UK has given birth to a 16lb baby..... the hospital staff are taking bets on who'll walk first.


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   Old Thread  #795 30 Dec 2012 at 2.29pm  Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the
cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire
and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What
kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot ar$ehole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!
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