CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 12869
   Old Thread  #852 10 Jan 2013 at 7.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #851
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #851 10 Jan 2013 at 7.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.All his professionalism goes right out the window...He tells her to take off her pants,she does,and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?",she replies,"Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies,"Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 12869
   Old Thread  #850 10 Jan 2013 at 6.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #849
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #849 10 Jan 2013 at 6.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that fcuking ice cream van hadn't come along, he’d still be alive!
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22686
   Old Thread  #848 10 Jan 2013 at 5.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went to school and i was taught that:

Pussy meant a cat, Sex meant a gender, Bitch is a female dog, Dick was a name, Bang was a sound, Rubber was an eraser, head meant a part of the body, 69 was just a number.

And then i came across all you dirty b@stards and my education was ruined.
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #847 10 Jan 2013 at 8.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #840
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #846 10 Jan 2013 at 8.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #844
Zolaarmy is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Zolaarmy (Marky)
Zolaarmy
Posts: 10
   Old Thread  #845 10 Jan 2013 at 8.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #844
Two guys were in bed together, that had been going at it all day.

One of the chaps gets out of bed and said to the other.

'' I'm going to the toilet, now don't have a **** while I'm gone''

'' ok I promise I won't ''

When the chap returns from the toilet he discovers cum on the ceiling, all over the walls and all over the bed sheets, he turns to his boyfriend and said. '' how could you, you promised me that you wouldn't **** while I was gone, get out we are finished I never want to see you again''

'' I didn't ****, all I did was fart''

Frank-W is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Frank-W (Frank)
Frank-W
Posts: 697
   Old Thread  #844 10 Jan 2013 at 7.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3446
   Old Thread  #843 9 Jan 2013 at 7.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #840
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 12869
   Old Thread  #842 9 Jan 2013 at 7.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #840
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #841 9 Jan 2013 at 7.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him,

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear,

"I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #840 9 Jan 2013 at 7.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.

"Blue."

"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.

When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: "That mother fcuker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!
ricketyrig is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ricketyrig (Colin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ricketyrig
Posts: 418
   Old Thread  #839 9 Jan 2013 at 6.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #838
2 parrots sitting on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish?
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22686
   Old Thread  #838 9 Jan 2013 at 6.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I saw David and Victoria Beckham at a party last night.

I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind."

"I'm not." he replied.

I said, "So what's with the white stick?"
Page: 123.666666666667 of 180  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2021  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk