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   Old Thread  #892 16 Jan 2013 at 12.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Took a bird home after night clubbing last night and after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs.

While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed that said 'i hope thats not that fat bitch from last week'.

The bird said what the f**k was that?!

I said its that b@stard memory foam mattress...
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   Old Thread  #891 16 Jan 2013 at 12.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.....every time I take them down there's a f--king protest!
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   Old Thread  #890 16 Jan 2013 at 12.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Tesco aren't the only supermarkets selling meat from horses.

I've been buying My Lidl Pony for years now.
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   Old Thread  #889 16 Jan 2013 at 12.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some burgers.

So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
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   Old Thread  #888 16 Jan 2013 at 11.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat,but surprisingly high in Shergar,What are the odds in that?
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   Old Thread  #887 16 Jan 2013 at 11.41am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,just checked the date on mine and..........Their off.
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   Old Thread  #886 15 Jan 2013 at 8.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #884




#885
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   Old Thread  #885 15 Jan 2013 at 8.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Got the lads from the AA to tow me home in the snow last night..

it was a right laugh 6 pissed up guy's pulling me on a sledge
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   Old Thread  #884 15 Jan 2013 at 8.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I said to a Polish friend at work, "Can you lend me any cash till payday?"

He said, "What we talking?"

Typical, I thought, first mention of money and he no longer speaks English.
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   Old Thread  #883 15 Jan 2013 at 6.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I had to get my wife a birthday present so dashed down to the High St. today. Jessops shut. HMV shut. Comet shut. Ann Summers open.

**** it, I'll stick a tenner in her card.
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   Old Thread  #882 15 Jan 2013 at 10.55am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #881
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   Old Thread  #881 14 Jan 2013 at 8.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Put your arms up, it makes it better."

Great when you're at a theme park, quite off putting when you're fingering Katie Price.
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   Old Thread  #880 14 Jan 2013 at 8.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Boom!!!!

I can't wait to tell her that one later
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   Old Thread  #879 14 Jan 2013 at 5.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"It won't be long before we're having sex again!" I told the wife. "I've bought some tablets that'll finally give me an erection."

"Oh babe, when can we start?" she winked.

"As soon as they start working!" I smiled, "So here, take two now, they're slimming pills."
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   Old Thread  #878 14 Jan 2013 at 11.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Ive finally found something the wifes arse dont look big in............the ****ing distance
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