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Joke Thread
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catfish1

Posts: 1629

#858 12 Jan 2013 at 9.37am

In reply to Post #857

SlugHunter

Posts: 22677

#857 11 Jan 2013 at 12.00pm

What's the difference between my wife and a cart horse?

The horse doesn't kick when you whack your load on its back.

sik

Posts: 2391

#856 11 Jan 2013 at 6.10am

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to showit to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!

sik

Posts: 2391

#855 11 Jan 2013 at 6.07am

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he
pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it
to the rancher. "See this f@cking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers
given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up
and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and
yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F@CKING BADGE!"

sik

Posts: 2391

#854 11 Jan 2013 at 6.04am

I fcuked a chick with OCD the other day. She liked to do stuff in alphabetical order, So we started with Anal then to the Blowjob, then Cowgirl leading to Doggy.. Then I got up n got dressed, at this point she started yelling at me but I said I've done E n Ejaculated so now I'm doing F, G and H to which she asked whats that ?? So I replied
- Fcuking Going Home

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 1971

#853 10 Jan 2013 at 9.42pm

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

carpy09

Posts: 12402

#852 10 Jan 2013 at 7.12pm

In reply to Post #851

sik

Posts: 2391

#851 10 Jan 2013 at 7.06pm

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.All his professionalism goes right out the window...He tells her to take off her pants,she does,and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?",she replies,"Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies,"Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

carpy09

Posts: 12402

#850 10 Jan 2013 at 6.52pm

In reply to Post #849

sik

Posts: 2391

#849 10 Jan 2013 at 6.23pm

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent�s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that fcuking ice cream van hadn't come along, he�d still be alive!

SlugHunter

Posts: 22677

#848 10 Jan 2013 at 5.47pm

I went to school and i was taught that:

Pussy meant a cat, Sex meant a gender, Bitch is a female dog, Dick was a name, Bang was a sound, Rubber was an eraser, head meant a part of the body, 69 was just a number.

And then i came across all you dirty b@stards and my education was ruined.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#847 10 Jan 2013 at 8.40am

In reply to Post #840

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#846 10 Jan 2013 at 8.39am

In reply to Post #844

Zolaarmy

Posts: 10

#845 10 Jan 2013 at 8.36am

In reply to Post #844
Two guys were in bed together, that had been going at it all day.

One of the chaps gets out of bed and said to the other.

'' I'm going to the toilet, now don't have a **** while I'm gone''

'' ok I promise I won't ''

When the chap returns from the toilet he discovers cum on the ceiling, all over the walls and all over the bed sheets, he turns to his boyfriend and said. '' how could you, you promised me that you wouldn't **** while I was gone, get out we are finished I never want to see you again''

'' I didn't ****, all I did was fart''

Frank-W

Posts: 697

#844 10 Jan 2013 at 7.00am

In reply to Post #1
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.


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