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Joke Thread
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deaffred

Posts: 4818

#1019 3 Feb 2013 at 9.06pm

In reply to Post #1018

I,m loving this thread , shame the other one went

sik

Posts: 2391

#1018 3 Feb 2013 at 6.42pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $1,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $1 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about"
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger

sik

Posts: 2391

#1017 3 Feb 2013 at 2.48pm

A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1016 3 Feb 2013 at 2.45pm

herb decided to propose to Sandi, but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. "She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis. "Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb"s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches long!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1015 3 Feb 2013 at 2.37pm

So a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer go to a bar right before Christmas and they're taking about what they got for their wife's! The doctor said he got get a diamond necklace and I trip to Jamaica so if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has the trip. The lawyer got his wife a 80 flat screen tv and a car so if she doesn't like the tv, she still has the car. The engineer got his wife pearl earrings and a dildo. The other two, confused, asked why he got the dildo. He replied, "So if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go fcuk herself!

Johntadley

Posts: 1069

#1014 2 Feb 2013 at 5.28pm

In reply to Post #1013

great thread

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1013 2 Feb 2013 at 11.36am

Two elderly men had been without sex for several years and decided they needed to visit a whore house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men, so she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her tits, she farted and flew out the window".

chris9

Posts: 4408

#1012 1 Feb 2013 at 8.34pm

In reply to Post #1011
You put yer transfer in....
You transfer out....
In out in out you f*ck yer club about...
You do the Odumwhingie, you turn yer car around..
Thats what its all about....
Ooooh Odumwhingie ooooh Odumwhingie.

ljb

Posts: 580

#1011 1 Feb 2013 at 7.51pm

An elderly man......was stopped by the police at around 2 a.m. in the morning.
He was asked by a policeman where he was going at that time of night/early morning.
The old boy replied:" i'm on my to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,..as well as smoking and staying out very late!."

The police officer then asked:
Really?! where and who is giving that kind of lecture at this unearthly hour?

The man replied:..........That would be my wife!.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1010 1 Feb 2013 at 7.07pm

When my brother got sent to jail,he didn't take it well at all.Refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at anyone who came near him,smeared his own $hit up the walls.

after that we never played Monopoly again.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1009 1 Feb 2013 at 6.53pm

I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch,but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach.

On the floor.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1008 1 Feb 2013 at 6.50pm

A resent survey found that one in three women are just as f--king stupid as the other two.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1007 1 Feb 2013 at 6.48pm

some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.
I was minding my own business then "Bosch".

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1006 1 Feb 2013 at 6.37am

In reply to Post #1005
That's a classic

Doyle

Posts: 2148

#1005 31 Jan 2013 at 5.41pm

In reply to Post #1
I rang babe station last night
The girl answered and said "hi how can I help you?"
I said, "fcking hide. I've lost the tv remote and my bird is coming down the stairs"


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