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Joke Thread
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catfish1

Posts: 1629

#907 18 Jan 2013 at 12.01pm

I made a curry the other night and sat down to eat it.On the telly there was a advert for Oxfam.They showed a starving poor family covered with flies and dying.With a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face l thought,"f--K me this curry's hot!"

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#906 18 Jan 2013 at 10.51am

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!

Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#905 18 Jan 2013 at 10.13am

In reply to Post #904

sik

Posts: 2391

#904 18 Jan 2013 at 10.08am

Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

"No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day."

The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"

shed

Posts: 1384

#903 17 Jan 2013 at 11.07pm

Now Tesco are taking veggie burgers off the shelves as well. Supposedly they've discovered traces of UniQuorn!

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#902 17 Jan 2013 at 10.58am

Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,camel toe found in Primark leggings.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#901 17 Jan 2013 at 10.56am

All these protests going on in India over the gang rape death.Who's manning the phones?

Doyle

Posts: 2148

#900 16 Jan 2013 at 9.45pm

My friend ended up in hospital after eating burgers containing horse meat from Tesco. He's in a stable condition but he still has the trots.

JimD

Posts: 2646

#899 16 Jan 2013 at 8.36pm

In reply to Post #898
Just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.
Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#898 16 Jan 2013 at 7.55pm

Kids today don't know how lucky they are, they can access porn with one single click of the mouse on a PC to fulfill their personal masturbation needs.

When I was a kid, I had to make do with typing '58008' in the calculator to get my kicks!

sik

Posts: 2391

#897 16 Jan 2013 at 7.31pm

I was in the cafe in Tesco ordering my food and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a fiver each way

carpy09

Posts: 12606

#896 16 Jan 2013 at 6.09pm

In reply to Post #893

sik

Posts: 2391

#895 16 Jan 2013 at 1.07pm

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!

sik

Posts: 2391

#894 16 Jan 2013 at 1.05pm

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, �We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.�

Bob�s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, �We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.�

Bob�s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, �We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park.... then the electricity goes out.

Bob�s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, �Honey, I don�t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?�

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, �Why don�t you just leave it in the fcuking garage this time?�

sik

Posts: 2391

#893 16 Jan 2013 at 1.02pm

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your @rses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are p1ssed off about the two-hour delay, please see the fcuking bitch in the kitchen.


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