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Joke Thread
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catfish1

Posts: 1629

#926 20 Jan 2013 at 8.11am

In reply to Post #925

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#925 19 Jan 2013 at 6.37pm

One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why the fcuk are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2059

#924 19 Jan 2013 at 10.55am

The wife said to me, "I bet you can't go one whole day without cracking a joke about my periods."

"You're on," I said.

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#923 19 Jan 2013 at 7.24am

sik

Posts: 2391

#922 18 Jan 2013 at 10.53pm

In reply to Post #921
gettin decent again this thread been some funny stuff

carpy09

Posts: 12724

#921 18 Jan 2013 at 10.41pm

In reply to Post #920

sik

Posts: 2391

#920 18 Jan 2013 at 9.33pm

A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.

Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"

The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.

As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.

The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."

The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"

"Sure did, Dad. I got a f_ck for a duck, a duck for a f_ck, and 24 bucks for a f_cked-up duck

deaffred

Posts: 4678

#919 18 Jan 2013 at 7.51pm

In reply to Post #904

Chocked on my tea with that one

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#918 18 Jan 2013 at 7.44pm

Apparently,some of the horses were molested before being put into the burgers at Tesco.
police are asking people who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.........

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#917 18 Jan 2013 at 6.34pm

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel,blankets,sleeping bag,extra clothing,including a scarf,hat,gloves,24hrs supply of food and drink,de-icer,rock salt,torch,tow rope,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads.I looked a right c--t on the bus this morning.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2059

#916 18 Jan 2013 at 6.24pm

Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning. If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#915 18 Jan 2013 at 6.12pm

In reply to Post #913

especially just after paying my corporation tax to the tramps

sik

Posts: 2391

#914 18 Jan 2013 at 5.47pm

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#913 18 Jan 2013 at 5.30pm

What's a pelican, an ostrich and the HM Revenue got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse!

ilovefishingme

Posts: 1459

#912 18 Jan 2013 at 1.52pm

In reply to Post #911
post 904 brilliant


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