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 #898 16 Jan 2013 at 7.55pm | |   |
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Kids today don't know how lucky they are, they can access porn with one single click of the mouse on a PC to fulfill their personal masturbation needs.
When I was a kid, I had to make do with typing '58008' in the calculator to get my kicks!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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#897 16 Jan 2013 at 7.31pm | | |
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I was in the cafe in Tesco ordering my food and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a fiver each way
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#896 16 Jan 2013 at 6.09pm | | |
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In reply to Post #893
 
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#895 16 Jan 2013 at 1.07pm | | |
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The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#894 16 Jan 2013 at 1.05pm | | |
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One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park.... then the electricity goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the fcuking garage this time?”
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#893 16 Jan 2013 at 1.02pm | | |
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your @rses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are p1ssed off about the two-hour delay, please see the fcuking bitch in the kitchen.
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#892 16 Jan 2013 at 12.32pm | | |
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Took a bird home after night clubbing last night and after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs.
While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed that said 'i hope thats not that fat bitch from last week'.
The bird said what the f**k was that?!
I said its that b@stard memory foam mattress...
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#891 16 Jan 2013 at 12.16pm | | |
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My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.....every time I take them down there's a f--king protest!
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#890 16 Jan 2013 at 12.08pm | | |
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Tesco aren't the only supermarkets selling meat from horses.
I've been buying My Lidl Pony for years now.
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#889 16 Jan 2013 at 12.04pm | | |
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Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some burgers.
So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
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#888 16 Jan 2013 at 11.45am | | |
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Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat,but surprisingly high in Shergar,What are the odds in that?
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#887 16 Jan 2013 at 11.41am | | |
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Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,just checked the date on mine and..........Their off.
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#886 15 Jan 2013 at 8.32pm | | |
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In reply to Post #884
#885
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#885 15 Jan 2013 at 8.18pm | | |
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Got the lads from the AA to tow me home in the snow last night..
it was a right laugh 6 pissed up guy's pulling me on a sledge
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#884 15 Jan 2013 at 8.03pm | | |
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I said to a Polish friend at work, "Can you lend me any cash till payday?"
He said, "What we talking?"
Typical, I thought, first mention of money and he no longer speaks English.
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