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Joke Thread
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catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1010 1 Feb 2013 at 7.07pm

When my brother got sent to jail,he didn't take it well at all.Refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at anyone who came near him,smeared his own $hit up the walls.

after that we never played Monopoly again.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1009 1 Feb 2013 at 6.53pm

I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch,but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach.

On the floor.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1008 1 Feb 2013 at 6.50pm

A resent survey found that one in three women are just as f--king stupid as the other two.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1007 1 Feb 2013 at 6.48pm

some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.
I was minding my own business then "Bosch".

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1006 1 Feb 2013 at 6.37am

In reply to Post #1005
That's a classic

Doyle

Posts: 2148

#1005 31 Jan 2013 at 5.41pm

In reply to Post #1
I rang babe station last night
The girl answered and said "hi how can I help you?"
I said, "fcking hide. I've lost the tv remote and my bird is coming down the stairs"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1004 30 Jan 2013 at 9.13pm

I was getting dressed when the prostitute said to me, "You're the first man to give me an orgasm."

"That's OK love," I said to her. "No need to give me that ****."

"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?

sik

Posts: 2391

#1003 30 Jan 2013 at 7.40pm

They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.

Somebody came in speaking English

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#1002 30 Jan 2013 at 3.23am

In reply to Post #1001
Never Argue with a Woman

One afternoon, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a bailiff in his boat,

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good Afternoon, Ma'am..

What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, mr bailiff, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the bailiff,
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

carpy09

Posts: 13304

#1001 29 Jan 2013 at 12.41pm

In reply to Post #999

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1000 29 Jan 2013 at 12.28pm

In reply to Post #999

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#999 29 Jan 2013 at 10.54am

A very fat man saw an ad:

"lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.

He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6am.

The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying:

"u catch me u fcuk me!" & the girl starts running.

He starts running but doesn't catch her. During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.

However he loses 5 kg.

He then asks for the 10kg program.

Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt saying:

"u catch me u fcuk me".

He loses 10 kg that week.

So he thought this program is awesome!

Lets try the 25 kg!

So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "Are you sure?

its really tough!".

he said "YES!"

Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a big black gay man in just underwear saying..

"If I catch you, I will fcuk you.."

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#998 29 Jan 2013 at 9.10am

In reply to Post #997

sik

Posts: 2391

#997 28 Jan 2013 at 6.50pm

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.

They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'Yes It hasn't been proven yet but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this little gem to cook...............you're gone.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#996 28 Jan 2013 at 1.32pm

As I sat down with a cup of tea to watch a porno, my flatmate laughed and said,

"You want to be careful mate, you'll go blind."

I laughed, but he was right.

I'd left the spoon in the cup.


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