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 #1017 3 Feb 2013 at 2.48pm | |   |
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A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#1016 3 Feb 2013 at 2.45pm | | |
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herb decided to propose to Sandi, but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. "She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis. "Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb"s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches long!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#1015 3 Feb 2013 at 2.37pm | | |
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So a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer go to a bar right before Christmas and they're taking about what they got for their wife's! The doctor said he got get a diamond necklace and I trip to Jamaica so if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has the trip. The lawyer got his wife a 80 flat screen tv and a car so if she doesn't like the tv, she still has the car. The engineer got his wife pearl earrings and a dildo. The other two, confused, asked why he got the dildo. He replied, "So if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go fcuk herself!
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#1014 2 Feb 2013 at 5.28pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1013
 great thread
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#1013 2 Feb 2013 at 11.36am | | |
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Two elderly men had been without sex for several years and decided they needed to visit a whore house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men, so she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her tits, she farted and flew out the window".
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#1012 1 Feb 2013 at 8.34pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1011
You put yer transfer in....
You transfer out....
In out in out you f*ck yer club about...
You do the Odumwhingie, you turn yer car around..
Thats what its all about....
Ooooh Odumwhingie ooooh Odumwhingie. 
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#1011 1 Feb 2013 at 7.51pm | | |
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An elderly man......was stopped by the police at around 2 a.m. in the morning.
He was asked by a policeman where he was going at that time of night/early morning.
The old boy replied:" i'm on my to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,..as well as smoking and staying out very late!."
The police officer then asked:
Really?! where and who is giving that kind of lecture at this unearthly hour?
The man replied:..........That would be my wife!.
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#1010 1 Feb 2013 at 7.07pm | | |
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When my brother got sent to jail,he didn't take it well at all.Refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at anyone who came near him,smeared his own $hit up the walls.
after that we never played Monopoly again.
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#1009 1 Feb 2013 at 6.53pm | | |
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I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch,but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach.
On the floor.
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#1008 1 Feb 2013 at 6.50pm | | |
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A resent survey found that one in three women are just as f--king stupid as the other two.
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#1007 1 Feb 2013 at 6.48pm | | |
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some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.
I was minding my own business then "Bosch".
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#1006 1 Feb 2013 at 6.37am | | |
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In reply to Post #1005
That's a classic 
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#1005 31 Jan 2013 at 5.41pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
I rang babe station last night
The girl answered and said "hi how can I help you?"
I said, "fcking hide. I've lost the tv remote and my bird is coming down the stairs"
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#1004 30 Jan 2013 at 9.13pm | | |
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I was getting dressed when the prostitute said to me, "You're the first man to give me an orgasm."
"That's OK love," I said to her. "No need to give me that ****."
"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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#1003 30 Jan 2013 at 7.40pm | | |
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They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.
Somebody came in speaking English
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