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   Old Thread  #1046 6 Feb 2013 at 6.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1045 6 Feb 2013 at 5.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. “So what’s the good news?” he asks.

The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”

The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”

So the doctor performs the operation.


A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

“Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?”

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
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   Old Thread  #1044 6 Feb 2013 at 4.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pu$$y.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common
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   Old Thread  #1043 6 Feb 2013 at 4.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pu$$y?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then
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   Old Thread  #1042 6 Feb 2013 at 2.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1041 6 Feb 2013 at 12.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1040 6 Feb 2013 at 11.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was the driving examiner for a nice young lady, and I said, "This test will last about 40 minutes."

"That's quite long," she moaned. "Can it be done any faster?"

"Sure love," I winked. "How about a blowjob and I'll give you a pass."

"Just fcuk off Dad, you said you'd be helpful."
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   Old Thread  #1039 6 Feb 2013 at 11.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
British Humour

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word

Was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn

To politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair

Reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
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   Old Thread  #1038 6 Feb 2013 at 9.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Valentines Day:

Dinner: £70

Drinks: £50

Taxi: £20

Hotel: £300

The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period.. PRICELESS

The look on her face when you shove it up her ass.. EPIC
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   Old Thread  #1037 6 Feb 2013 at 6.42am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A Palestine model was shot dead in Israel today.

Hope it wasn't Grommit!
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   Old Thread  #1036 5 Feb 2013 at 11.34am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1035 5 Feb 2013 at 10.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1034 5 Feb 2013 at 10.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
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   Old Thread  #1033 5 Feb 2013 at 10.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob is shaving in the bathroom when his adopted teenage son comes in to take a piss. Even though he tries not to look, Bob can't help notice that the boy has an enormous dick.

"Where the fcuk did you get that from, Johnny?" says Bob.

"My dick?" says Johnny. "Well, every time I get into bed with a chick I bang my cock five times on the edge of the bed, been doing it for years."

Bob just can't get this out of his mind all day, so when he eventually decides to join his wife in bed, he bangs his cock five times on the edge of the bed.

"Careful, Johnny," says his wife. "Bob's still around somewhere."
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   Old Thread  #1032 5 Feb 2013 at 10.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
As the doctors rushed about in the operating room, my head was in a daze. Slowly but surely I could feel my life ebbing away. The lads holidays I'm going to miss, spontaneous piss ups a long distant thing of the past, so many unfulfilled dreams that would never happen.

As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.

"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
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