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Joke Thread
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CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2571 19 Sept 2017 at 7.33am

One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2570 18 Sept 2017 at 4.34am

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

mal

Posts: 7953

#2569 16 Sept 2017 at 8.43pm

I hate my insomnia

But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas

mal

Posts: 7953

#2568 16 Sept 2017 at 8.41pm

Handy tip.

When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2567 16 Sept 2017 at 7.06pm

A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2566 16 Sept 2017 at 2.12am

A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.

There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.

The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.

Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.

He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2565 15 Sept 2017 at 6.02am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2564 14 Sept 2017 at 5.49am

In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2563 10 Sept 2017 at 5.41pm

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2562 7 Sept 2017 at 5.40pm

In reply to Post #2561

jhhilton1983

Posts: 1469

#2561 6 Sept 2017 at 5.46pm

In reply to Post #2560
Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...

Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....

"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."

At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.

Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.

Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...

"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...

"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy

No there's a train coming!!

lincs-carper

Posts: 796

#2560 6 Sept 2017 at 2.28pm

Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin

Clobersauraus

Posts: 565

#2559 1 Sept 2017 at 9.24pm

Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"

Woman replies "why's that"

Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".

luckyjim

Posts: 3507

#2558 31 Aug 2017 at 7.37pm

Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.

stymie

Posts: 771

#2557 30 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm

In reply to Post #2556
I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.

"google earth"


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