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 #2523 26 Dec 2016 at 8.30pm | |   |
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In reply to Post #1
Seasonal advice - don't drink and drive.
Last night for example, I was out with the lads and had a few pints followed by several whiskies. So I decided it was better to take a bus home. On the way I passed a patrol car stopping all the cars and doing breath tests. Boy was I glad, and I got home safely.
Which was lucky really, because I'd never driven a bus before, and can't remember where I got it from...
Tel
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#2522 23 Dec 2016 at 3.53pm | | |
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The wife got out of the shower and said "as a special Christmas treat I've shaved my pussy, you know what that means" I said "yeah the ****ing drain is blocked again".
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#2521 17 Dec 2016 at 1.20pm | | |
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Just got a new high tech bed for Christmas, the "Micro wave" type........you get a full nights sleep in 20 minutes 
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#2520 15 Dec 2016 at 8.49pm | | |
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Years ago I once walked in on my nan giving my grandad a nosh , I was in total shock coz I thought she
Buried it with the rest of him
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#2519 12 Dec 2016 at 10.05pm | | |
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Just watched a scouse family on family fortunes , you should have seen there faces when Vernon Kay said you have a chance to steal
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#2518 11 Dec 2016 at 11.13am | | |
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In reply to Post #2517
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#2517 24 Nov 2016 at 2.55pm | | |
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paddy spot's a tasty bird with big jugs at a party, he go's over to her and gets her several drinks then asks "do you want to come back to my place so we can make love" she said I would but I'm on my menstrual cycle, paddy says that's ok you go on ahead and I'll follow on my Honda.
O god .....the old ones are still the......old ones......
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#2516 21 Nov 2016 at 5.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2515
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#2515 21 Nov 2016 at 8.40am | | |
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My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.” 
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#2514 18 Nov 2016 at 1.07pm | | |
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#2513 18 Nov 2016 at 10.56am | | |
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The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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#2512 18 Nov 2016 at 9.08am | | |
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Another 'best joke of all time' 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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#2511 16 Nov 2016 at 8.41pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2507
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#2510 16 Nov 2016 at 9.19am | | |
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What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
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#2509 16 Nov 2016 at 9.14am | | |
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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