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   Old Thread  #1086 12 Feb 2013 at 3.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1085 12 Feb 2013 at 1.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks
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   Old Thread  #1084 12 Feb 2013 at 1.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m fcuking coming!
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   Old Thread  #1083 12 Feb 2013 at 1.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works.
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   Old Thread  #1082 12 Feb 2013 at 1.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have fcuking ironed it first!"
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   Old Thread  #1081 12 Feb 2013 at 1.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1080 12 Feb 2013 at 9.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I thought I'd buy my wife a vibrator to try and spice up our sex life.

"Can I help you?" said the Ann Summers assistant.

"I'm after a vibrator for my wife, I replied, "but I didn't realise they came in so many sizes and different colours"

"Yes they do." She said, "but then again they all do the same job."

"Okay then, I'll take that tartan one over there"

"That's not for sale sir."

"Why not?"

"Because it's my flask."
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   Old Thread  #1079 11 Feb 2013 at 1.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife had been scheduled to have her massive vagina reduced, when we were informed the operation would take the surgeon twelve hours to complete.

Thanks to my connections however, I managed to have it done in only six.

I had a man on the inside.
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   Old Thread  #1078 11 Feb 2013 at 11.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was travelling towards a village in Africa, when I saw one of the locals up a tree, sawing a huge branch off. I then realised that he was sawing between himself and the trunk.

I said to him, "Oi, if you're not careful, tha branch is going to break and you're going to fall out of that tree".

He looked at me with a vacant expression on his face and continued sawing.

Two minutes later, he came crashing to the ground, picked himself up, dusted himself off, looked at me and then ran off towards the village screaming, "There's a prophet coming, there's a prophet coming".
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   Old Thread  #1077 11 Feb 2013 at 1.03am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
I saw a big girl wearing a t-shirt that said Guess. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
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   Old Thread  #1076 10 Feb 2013 at 5.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was shocked in Amsterdam, when I saw a sign advertising 'duck sex'.

Then I got knocked out by two people fcuking on a swing.
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   Old Thread  #1075 10 Feb 2013 at 11.31am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1074 10 Feb 2013 at 11.30am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1073 10 Feb 2013 at 11.25am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."
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   Old Thread  #1072 10 Feb 2013 at 10.26am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.

The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fcuking Newmarket.
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