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Joke Thread
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SlugHunter

Posts: 22679

#1098 12 Feb 2013 at 10.14pm

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better

Than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: Jor huzban he say so.

Wife: Oh yeah?

Maria: The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: Jor hozban didā

Wife increasingly agitated: Oh he did, did he?

Maria: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, And did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No Senora¦ The gardener did.

Wife: So how much do you want?

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1097 12 Feb 2013 at 6.57pm

B&Q have know been dragged into the food scandal, apparently they have been selling wood floors with lamb in it.

carpy09

Posts: 12420

#1096 12 Feb 2013 at 6.46pm

In reply to Post #1088

carpy09

Posts: 12420

#1095 12 Feb 2013 at 6.46pm

In reply to Post #1085

carpy09

Posts: 12420

#1094 12 Feb 2013 at 6.45pm

In reply to Post #1084

carpy09

Posts: 12420

#1093 12 Feb 2013 at 6.44pm

In reply to Post #1082

SlugHunter

Posts: 22679

#1092 12 Feb 2013 at 5.52pm

She didn't try to hide her disappointment when she pulled my cock out.

"You fcuking liar!" She said, "You told me it was 12 inches."

"It is," I insisted, "You just need to calculate the volume."

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1091 12 Feb 2013 at 5.47pm

In reply to Post #1090
Findus to sponsor Crystal Palace as they have been 100% pony for over 50 years...........

sik

Posts: 2391

#1090 12 Feb 2013 at 5.42pm

In reply to Post #1088

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1089 12 Feb 2013 at 5.14pm

A source has just told me,that Odemwingie has just arrived at the Vatican...

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1088 12 Feb 2013 at 5.12pm

In reply to Post #1087
I was working in Tesco's re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7,when in walks the blonde girl l'd scored with last night.she said "Oi! you told me you were a stunt pilot......you lying bast--d" I replied "No,I told you l was part of the Ariel display team.....!

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1087 12 Feb 2013 at 5.05pm

In reply to Post #1084

SlugHunter

Posts: 22679

#1086 12 Feb 2013 at 3.03pm

In reply to Post #1084

sik

Posts: 2391

#1085 12 Feb 2013 at 1.59pm

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks

sik

Posts: 2391

#1084 12 Feb 2013 at 1.50pm

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m fcuking coming!


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