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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#1147 19 Feb 2013 at 6.49am

The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1146 19 Feb 2013 at 6.48am

Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand

sik

Posts: 2391

#1145 19 Feb 2013 at 6.44am

Donald Duck walked into a chemist & asked for a packet
of condoms.
"Certainly, Sir" said the lady behind the counter, "& shall I
put them on your bill"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am,
a D1ckhead

sik

Posts: 2391

#1144 19 Feb 2013 at 6.41am

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try
artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the
table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor
started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but�" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.
"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1143 19 Feb 2013 at 6.36am

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then
he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows
it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the
little b.gger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his @rse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender
is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the bloke.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his @rse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says
the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

craigboi007

Posts: 115

#1142 18 Feb 2013 at 9.03pm

In reply to Post #1139

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2015

#1141 18 Feb 2013 at 8.51pm

There's nothing less romantic than wiping cum off your girlfriend's belly after sex.

Except doing it before.

carpy09

Posts: 12597

#1140 18 Feb 2013 at 8.39pm

In reply to Post #1136

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1139 18 Feb 2013 at 8.33pm

In reply to Post #1138

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no... I never found her head."

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1138 18 Feb 2013 at 8.30pm

John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1137 18 Feb 2013 at 8.18pm

In reply to Post #1131

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1136 18 Feb 2013 at 7.55pm

I remember my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy packet of condoms at. A pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a shop and ask for that kind of stuff.

It was a girl working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the sh1t out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1135 18 Feb 2013 at 7.42pm

In reply to Post #1133

craigboi007

Posts: 115

#1134 18 Feb 2013 at 7.32pm

In reply to Post #1133
what have women and tornado's got in common.....

they are both wet and windy, when they leave they take half the house with them

craigboi007

Posts: 115

#1133 18 Feb 2013 at 7.31pm

In reply to Post #1132
what have women and KFC got in common.....

well, when you have finished with the breast and thigh, you a have greasy bucket to stick you bone in.


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