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Joke Thread
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WaftyCranker

Posts: 3446

#1212 26 Feb 2013 at 8.11pm

"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend."On my tits" she whispered, "do it on my tits""Really? You sure?""Yes! Quickly!! For me""Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific!

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3446

#1211 26 Feb 2013 at 8.08pm

In reply to Post #1207
Good un

sik

Posts: 2391

#1210 26 Feb 2013 at 7.40pm

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b@stard! You've been playing golf!

carpy09

Posts: 12865

#1209 26 Feb 2013 at 6.15pm

In reply to Post #1206

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1208 26 Feb 2013 at 6.09pm

In reply to Post #1207

sik

Posts: 2391

#1207 26 Feb 2013 at 5.57pm

Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

sik

Posts: 2391

#1206 26 Feb 2013 at 5.53pm

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit" The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my d1ck I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b@stard!!"

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1205 26 Feb 2013 at 5.20pm

After a date with a homeless girl, I took her back to mine and said "would you like to spend the night here?"

"I would love to" she said.

"Great," I replied, "well just make yourself feel at home."

She gave me a look of disgust and slept in the garden.

carpy09

Posts: 12865

#1204 26 Feb 2013 at 2.21pm

In reply to Post #1203

sik

Posts: 2391

#1203 26 Feb 2013 at 1.18pm

a boy walked in on his mam and dad having sex, his dad said were making you a brother/sister,the boy replies,do her doggy style id rather have a puppy

Adder_Noir

Posts: 3035

#1202 26 Feb 2013 at 9.38am

I was sitting down on the floor having a dump the other day as usual. When someone walked in and told me what a toilet is for I almost fell off my stool.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1201 26 Feb 2013 at 9.25am

*For Sale*

30 pairs of Katie Price's knickers.

All still in original packaging.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1200 26 Feb 2013 at 9.24am

What's got one leg and ruins other people's lives?

Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1199 25 Feb 2013 at 7.22pm

In reply to Post #1198

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1198 25 Feb 2013 at 2.44pm

I read a while back that the plastic used to make ping-pong balls is highly toxic, so I've been painting them brown and feeding them to my wife, disguised as meatballs in order to kill her.

I hope it works.

If not, I'll have a hell of a time trying to drown the bitch.


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