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Joke Thread
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SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#1250 5 Mar 2013 at 3.08pm

I dragged a chubby bird home with me from the pub last night.

She went straight into the bedroom, got undressed and lay spreadeagled on the bed.

She said, "You know what I want, don't you?"

I said, "Yeah, the whole fukcing bed to yourself by the looks of things".

carppad

Posts: 528

#1249 5 Mar 2013 at 9.59am

In reply to Post #1248

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#1248 5 Mar 2013 at 9.53am

A little boy and his dad are in a queue at the supermarket checkout and in front of them is a really huge women.

The little boy looks her over,then says very loudly to his dad,"She's really huge and fat,isn't she daddy?"

The father is embarrassed and tries to get his son to quieten down.

But the boy yells out,"she's the fattest woman I have ever seen,just look at the size of her arse,daddy!"

The father apologizes to the woman and says to his son, "we don't talk about people who are different to us,son,and we don't use foul language, don't do it again!" the little boy seems to get the message and stands there quietly for awhile,but then the woman's beeper goes off and the little boy shouts, "LOOK OUT, daddy,she's going to fukcing back over you!!"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1247 5 Mar 2013 at 6.39am

In reply to Post #1246

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#1246 4 Mar 2013 at 11.11pm

Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"

carpy09

Posts: 13304

#1245 4 Mar 2013 at 7.05pm

In reply to Post #1240

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#1244 4 Mar 2013 at 5.42pm

In reply to Post #1240

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2171

#1243 4 Mar 2013 at 12.21pm

In reply to Post #1235

sik

Posts: 2391

#1242 4 Mar 2013 at 12.20pm

In reply to Post #1241

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#1241 4 Mar 2013 at 12.18pm

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1240 4 Mar 2013 at 10.37am

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1239 4 Mar 2013 at 10.35am

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows
her from, so he asks, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?" She replies, �No, I'm your son's math teacher

sik

Posts: 2391

#1238 4 Mar 2013 at 10.27am

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!

carpy09

Posts: 13304

#1237 3 Mar 2013 at 8.07pm

In reply to Post #1235

SlugHunter

Posts: 22715

#1236 3 Mar 2013 at 7.59pm

"I want to try anal", I said to my wife.

"But i've been having sex with an @rsehole for years", she replied.


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