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Joke Thread
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ralph69

Posts: 10074

#1187 24 Feb 2013 at 4.31pm

arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005
the crazy frog was number one
eight years on , he's still there

sik

Posts: 2391

#1186 24 Feb 2013 at 4.04pm

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," . "This is a job for Mama!

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1185 24 Feb 2013 at 12.58pm

In reply to Post #1184

sik

Posts: 2391

#1184 24 Feb 2013 at 11.55am

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's t1ts, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to sh@g his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fcuking pots!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1183 24 Feb 2013 at 11.52am

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little b@stard was going to bark

sik

Posts: 2391

#1182 24 Feb 2013 at 11.49am

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1181 24 Feb 2013 at 11.45am

So I was in a Pub in Essex when in walks this group of girls. I go straight up to one of them and say "If I buy you a drink will you come into the toilets with me?"

"Yeah alright" she replies.... So I buy her a bottle of WKD and lead her into the toilets. I push her into a cubicle and I get my hands straight up her skirt and into her knickers.

That's when she says "Oi!!! T1ts first, I ain't a sl@g

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1180 24 Feb 2013 at 8.13am

In reply to Post #1178

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1179 24 Feb 2013 at 7.46am

"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.

"Eggs," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"

"Wool," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"

"Fcuking homework," says Little Johnny.

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1178 24 Feb 2013 at 6.27am

Katie Price is at the clinic having her new pregnancy checked out.

"And if we scan here, we can see the babys head!" beams the nurse

"Thats great!" says Price

All of a sudden the nurse looks concerned.

"Whats up?" says Price

"It appears theres something else in your womb, something much larger in the background!"

"Oh don't worry about that, thats Bob the Paparazzi photographer, he's doing some pictures for Hello! magazine."

MrGrantski

Posts: 953

#1177 23 Feb 2013 at 7.28pm

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a **** what you think."

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3442

#1176 23 Feb 2013 at 12.29pm

In reply to Post #1172

ilovefishingme

Posts: 1454

#1175 23 Feb 2013 at 10.24am

In reply to Post #1165
nearly wet myself laughing at that one

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1174 23 Feb 2013 at 9.22am

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your @rsehole before prison, ..."

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1173 23 Feb 2013 at 8.43am

In reply to Post #1171


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