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Joke Thread
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SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1299 12 Mar 2013 at 2.52pm

My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.

He committed suicide last night.

I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.

"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed.

"He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.

"Why not?" She sniffed.

"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1298 12 Mar 2013 at 7.17am

Teacher asks William to spell pope.
William says there's no pope.
Teacher says just spell pope.
So William says p.o.f.p.e.
Teacher says there's no f in pope.
William says i f..k..g told you that.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1297 12 Mar 2013 at 7.13am

Just got back from a gamblers Anonymous meeting.
They put me next to a fruit machine addict it was
f..k..g horrible the c... was nudging me all night.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1296 12 Mar 2013 at 7.09am

Cardinal O'Brien said goodbye at mass for the last time yesterday
After the emotional ceremony all the alter boys said "they were touched".

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1295 12 Mar 2013 at 7.07am

I've never lasted long enough to see the end of a porno but apparently it's where the woman unzips the guys trousers and gets his .... out.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1294 11 Mar 2013 at 8.03pm

In reply to Post #1293

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1293 11 Mar 2013 at 8.02pm

Football News: Reading Manager - Brian McDermott, has been fired by the club.

Entertainment News: Brian McDermott returns to presenting Masterchef.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2219

#1292 11 Mar 2013 at 6.36pm

According to a recent survey in Cosmopolitan, an astonishing ninety percent of women have secretly fantasised about being raped.

Unfortunately, I only ever get the other ten percent.

ralph69

Posts: 10393

#1291 11 Mar 2013 at 6.00pm

a bloke goes downstairs and says to his missus
"quick , go upstairs and have a look at the size of that jobbie i just done up there"
she says no , thats discusting
he says , go on , please , its a good 2 pounder
in she went , holding her nose , looked in the pan and said , theres nothoing in there.
he said no , not in there , its on the scales

carpy09

Posts: 14064

#1290 11 Mar 2013 at 5.43pm

In reply to Post #1288

3 goodens their sik

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1289 11 Mar 2013 at 3.04pm

I arrived home early from work last night and spotted an unfamiliar car parked in my driveway.

I walked through the door and heard moaning from upstairs.

I quietly walked up the stairs and the moaning got louder. I opened my bedroom door and there I saw my wife, fukcing another man.

"What the fukc is going on here?" I shouted

"What was going through your fukcing head when you decided to fukc that disgusting piece of sh1t?!"

"I'm sorry, baby! I can explain!" My wife cried

"Quiet you!" I snapped "I'll get to you in a minute"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1288 11 Mar 2013 at 11.06am

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you fcuk of I'm trying to take a dump!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1287 11 Mar 2013 at 10.56am

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1286 11 Mar 2013 at 10.53am

little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1285 10 Mar 2013 at 7.53pm

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure are fine." said the doctor to the female patient.

"Now let me see that little thing which gets you Ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The woman swings into action, removes her knickers and spreads her legs.

"No, No,Put your clothes back on," said the doctor"Just show me your fukcing tongue!"


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