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Joke Thread
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Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2095

#1292 11 Mar 2013 at 6.36pm

According to a recent survey in Cosmopolitan, an astonishing ninety percent of women have secretly fantasised about being raped.

Unfortunately, I only ever get the other ten percent.

ralph69

Posts: 10194

#1291 11 Mar 2013 at 6.00pm

a bloke goes downstairs and says to his missus
"quick , go upstairs and have a look at the size of that jobbie i just done up there"
she says no , thats discusting
he says , go on , please , its a good 2 pounder
in she went , holding her nose , looked in the pan and said , theres nothoing in there.
he said no , not in there , its on the scales

carpy09

Posts: 12865

#1290 11 Mar 2013 at 5.43pm

In reply to Post #1288

3 goodens their sik

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1289 11 Mar 2013 at 3.04pm

I arrived home early from work last night and spotted an unfamiliar car parked in my driveway.

I walked through the door and heard moaning from upstairs.

I quietly walked up the stairs and the moaning got louder. I opened my bedroom door and there I saw my wife, fukcing another man.

"What the fukc is going on here?" I shouted

"What was going through your fukcing head when you decided to fukc that disgusting piece of sh1t?!"

"I'm sorry, baby! I can explain!" My wife cried

"Quiet you!" I snapped "I'll get to you in a minute"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1288 11 Mar 2013 at 11.06am

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you fcuk of I'm trying to take a dump!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1287 11 Mar 2013 at 10.56am

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1286 11 Mar 2013 at 10.53am

little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1285 10 Mar 2013 at 7.53pm

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure are fine." said the doctor to the female patient.

"Now let me see that little thing which gets you Ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The woman swings into action, removes her knickers and spreads her legs.

"No, No,Put your clothes back on," said the doctor"Just show me your fukcing tongue!"

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1284 10 Mar 2013 at 12.31pm

I got home at 3 am,steaming drunk,and half a kebab down my shirt.my wife had a fit.
i thought i'll sort her out in the morning, I'm not going to let her epilepsy ruin my night".

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1283 10 Mar 2013 at 12.27pm

I was in the pub with my mate last night when he walked off to the toilet leaving his phone on the table.As i was just about to up date his face book status,it started ringing and i could see it was my wife's number,"Hello"i said,answering it."Hey sexy"she purred,"i'm currently masturbating on the bed and i want you to come here and .f--k me." "you silly bitch,"i said,"Why didn't you just ring my phone?"

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1282 10 Mar 2013 at 8.11am

My mate Dave asked me what I had bought for Mothers Day.

"Stockings, silky underwear, lube, a few new sex toys to try out and have booked a room for the two of us at the Hilton."

"Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate mate?" He replied.

"Oh no its not for my Mum mate, it's all for yours."

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1281 9 Mar 2013 at 7.38pm

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges �500 for the bull and �50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.

Brian_Woolsey

Posts: 21632

#1280 9 Mar 2013 at 11.26am

In reply to Post #1278
thats very good!

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3446

#1279 8 Mar 2013 at 10.07pm

My wife said to me, "Ian,
make me feel like I'm 15 again".

So I ate a pack of Scampi Fries and made her sniff my fingers.

Keebs

Posts: 3201

#1278 8 Mar 2013 at 3.10pm

In reply to Post #1277
A Catholic walks into a Mosque - the Imam asks "Why the wrong faith?"


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