CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1405 24 Mar 2013 at 1.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Told the wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty
carpy09 has used site within the last 5 mins
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 12712
   Old Thread  #1404 24 Mar 2013 at 10.02am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1400
Adder_Noir is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Adder_Noir (Chris)
Adder_Noir
Posts: 3035
   Old Thread  #1403 24 Mar 2013 at 9.44am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1400
That is very, very funny
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1402 24 Mar 2013 at 9.43am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy goes to the florist and says,id like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "certainly,what are you after?"Paddy says,"A tit w..k and maybe one up the arse
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1401 24 Mar 2013 at 9.37am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
For me,sex is like spreading butter on toast.Its possible with a credit card ,but much easier with a knife
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1400 24 Mar 2013 at 9.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I called the R.S.P.C.A today and said,"ive just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs,"
"That's terrible,"she replied."Are they moving?" "I'm not sure,to be honest,"i said,"But that would explain the suitcase."
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1399 23 Mar 2013 at 6.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1398
I was on the ghost train at my local funfair last night.
Should of heard the kids screaming for all they were worth.

Anyone would think they'd never seen a cock before.........
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1398 23 Mar 2013 at 6.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A priest was caught masturbating by his altar boy.He said,"what are you doing father?" "Its called .......,he replied,"you'll be doing this soon." "Why,father?"he asked.Because my arms f..king killing me.
Mr-Bean-Laden has used site within the last 5 mins
View the profile of Mr-Bean-Laden (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2051
   Old Thread  #1397 23 Mar 2013 at 6.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I stayed in a Premier Inn last night with the family. I went to reception and said “I hope the pornography on the TV is disabled”. The receptionist shouted at me, “you sick *******, it’s normal porn”
stonethrower is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of stonethrower (Mick)
Contact details supplied to MODs
stonethrower
Posts: 851
   Old Thread  #1396 22 Mar 2013 at 10.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1395
PPPIKER is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of PPPIKER (Gareth)
Contact details supplied to MODs
PPPIKER
Posts: 529
   Old Thread  #1395 22 Mar 2013 at 11.30am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1394
1)Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

2)The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

3)I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.....

4)My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

5)I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

6)After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on!

7)I woke up this morning at 8am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I re member ed McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

8)Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

9)The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you honey. All the others kept me awake all night!"

10)My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

11) A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

12) A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

13)I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

















SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22684
   Old Thread  #1394 22 Mar 2013 at 9.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1393
jimmyAd is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of jimmyAd (Jim)
Contact details supplied to MODs
jimmyAd
Posts: 8818
   Old Thread  #1393 22 Mar 2013 at 4.11am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1392
Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22684
   Old Thread  #1392 20 Mar 2013 at 10.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My girlfriend wanted me to give her a messy facial.

So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22684
   Old Thread  #1391 20 Mar 2013 at 10.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I bought some kangaroo condoms today.

They're for the gland down under.
Page: 86.3333333333333 of 179  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2021  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk