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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#1412 24 Mar 2013 at 2.44pm

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT fcuking sh1t again

SlugHunter

Posts: 22686

#1411 24 Mar 2013 at 2.35pm

In reply to Post #1407

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1410 24 Mar 2013 at 2.16pm

In reply to Post #1407

carpy09

Posts: 12869

#1409 24 Mar 2013 at 2.01pm

In reply to Post #1408

4 goodens their sik

sik

Posts: 2391

#1408 24 Mar 2013 at 1.55pm

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fcuking talking aren't you?

sik

Posts: 2391

#1407 24 Mar 2013 at 1.54pm

My wife said she wanted bigger t1ts. I said "get some toilet paper and rub it in between ya t1ts every morning". She said "Dont be daft, how's that gonna work?" I said "Well you have been doing the same to ya @rse all y life and look at the size of that!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1406 24 Mar 2013 at 1.52pm

For a week, me and my mate decided to speak and act like we do on social networks.

We would say things like, "Steve likes this" or "Hashtag amazing".

It was all fun until he caught me outside his sister's room furiously masturbating.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1405 24 Mar 2013 at 1.51pm

Told the wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty

carpy09

Posts: 12869

#1404 24 Mar 2013 at 10.02am

In reply to Post #1400

Adder_Noir

Posts: 3035

#1403 24 Mar 2013 at 9.44am

In reply to Post #1400
That is very, very funny

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1402 24 Mar 2013 at 9.43am

Paddy goes to the florist and says,id like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "certainly,what are you after?"Paddy says,"A tit w..k and maybe one up the arse

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1401 24 Mar 2013 at 9.37am

For me,sex is like spreading butter on toast.Its possible with a credit card ,but much easier with a knife

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1400 24 Mar 2013 at 9.36am

I called the R.S.P.C.A today and said,"ive just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs,"
"That's terrible,"she replied."Are they moving?" "I'm not sure,to be honest,"i said,"But that would explain the suitcase."

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1399 23 Mar 2013 at 6.38pm

In reply to Post #1398
I was on the ghost train at my local funfair last night.
Should of heard the kids screaming for all they were worth.

Anyone would think they'd never seen a cock before.........

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1398 23 Mar 2013 at 6.34pm

A priest was caught masturbating by his altar boy.He said,"what are you doing father?" "Its called .......,he replied,"you'll be doing this soon." "Why,father?"he asked.Because my arms f..king killing me.


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