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   Old Thread  #1452 28 Mar 2013 at 7.25am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1451 27 Mar 2013 at 8.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... She's 21 and her name's Lucy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


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   Old Thread  #1450 27 Mar 2013 at 8.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1449 27 Mar 2013 at 8.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1448 27 Mar 2013 at 7.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1447 27 Mar 2013 at 7.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1446 27 Mar 2013 at 7.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
So in the space of a few days, we've gone from Rio not wanting to play in the England team, to the England team not wanting to play in Rio...
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   Old Thread  #1445 27 Mar 2013 at 7.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Gary Neville's father has being arrested on suspicion of indecent assault.

Van Persie could have been killed,' said a furious Alex Ferguson.
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   Old Thread  #1444 27 Mar 2013 at 7.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got fired on my first day as a Masseuse today.Apparently "Finishing off on my face" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
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   Old Thread  #1443 27 Mar 2013 at 7.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1442 27 Mar 2013 at 7.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Neville Neville father of Gary and Phil Neville has been charged with sexual assault,if found guilty he runs the risk of getting himself a bad name!
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   Old Thread  #1441 27 Mar 2013 at 6.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got talking to a freaky tattooed chick in a nightclub. As she leaned in and stroked my leg she whispered into my ear, "Tell me, have you ever had a bird sh1t all over your chest?"

"Only once," I replied, "and that was my own fault really for falling asleep under a tree."
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   Old Thread  #1440 27 Mar 2013 at 4.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1439 27 Mar 2013 at 4.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1438 27 Mar 2013 at 3.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fcuk is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!
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