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   Old Thread  #2567 16 Sept 2017 at 7.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.
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   Old Thread  #2566 16 Sept 2017 at 2.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.

There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.

The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.

Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.

He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.
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   Old Thread  #2565 15 Sept 2017 at 6.02am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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   Old Thread  #2564 14 Sept 2017 at 5.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.
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   Old Thread  #2563 10 Sept 2017 at 5.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.
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   Old Thread  #2562 7 Sept 2017 at 5.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2561
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   Old Thread  #2561 6 Sept 2017 at 5.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2560
Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...

Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....

"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."

At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.

Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.

Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...

"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...

"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy

No there's a train coming!!
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   Old Thread  #2560 6 Sept 2017 at 2.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin
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   Old Thread  #2559 1 Sept 2017 at 9.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"

Woman replies "why's that"

Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".
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   Old Thread  #2558 31 Aug 2017 at 7.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.
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   Old Thread  #2557 30 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2556
I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.

"google earth"
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   Old Thread  #2556 30 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2555
Excellent

Dad theres a bloke at the door with a bald head
Tell him to **** off I've got one
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   Old Thread  #2555 29 Aug 2017 at 9.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2553
Dad , there's a bloke knocking the door with a beard .

Well no wonder I couldn't ****ing hear him.
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   Old Thread  #2554 29 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2553 29 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.

So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".

To which he told me to f#ck off.......

Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
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