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Joke Thread
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shed

Posts: 1392

#2578 19 Dec 2017 at 12.48pm

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

elltell

Posts: 1160

#2577 26 Oct 2017 at 10.38pm

In reply to Post #2576

Tel

Paulepsom

Posts: 109

#2576 26 Oct 2017 at 8.06pm

In reply to Post #2575
It's hard to find any good chemistry jokes anymore
All the best Argon

luckyjim

Posts: 3466

#2575 29 Sept 2017 at 8.39pm

In reply to Post #2574

Teacher. OK class, when we visited the farm today can you tell me what sounds we heard.

Sarah. I heard Bah Bah.

James. I heard snort snort.

Billy. I heard "get off that f****** tractor"
.

lincs-carper

Posts: 750

#2574 26 Sept 2017 at 6.47am

Donald trump goes to the hospital for a circumcision. The doctor says I can not operate on this man, There's no end to this p#@ck!!

luckyjim

Posts: 3466

#2573 23 Sept 2017 at 5.59pm

Mick says to Paddy "why did you name your dogs Rolex & Timex"?
Paddy replied coz there're watch dogs

lincs-carper

Posts: 750

#2572 21 Sept 2017 at 0.03am

I came home from work tonight and the missus says "can I have £5000."
What for I ask her.
She says I want it for a boob job.
You don't need £5000 I said, all you need is a bit of toilet roll. Rub it in between your boobs twice a day and your boobs will be enormous.
Really, she said.

Of course, look what it's done for your arse.

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2571 19 Sept 2017 at 7.33am

One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2570 18 Sept 2017 at 4.34am

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

mal

Posts: 7189

#2569 16 Sept 2017 at 8.43pm

I hate my insomnia

But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas

mal

Posts: 7189

#2568 16 Sept 2017 at 8.41pm

Handy tip.

When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'

luckyjim

Posts: 3466

#2567 16 Sept 2017 at 7.06pm

A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2566 16 Sept 2017 at 2.12am

A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.

There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.

The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.

Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.

He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2565 15 Sept 2017 at 6.02am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

CharleMagne

Posts: 17

#2564 14 Sept 2017 at 5.49am

In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.


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