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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#1486 3 Apr 2013 at 5.30pm

In reply to Post #1484

sik

Posts: 2391

#1485 3 Apr 2013 at 5.29pm

Essex girl in car crash says "i think i have concussion" paramedic asks "how many fingers have i got up?" the girl replies "oh god, my f@nny's paralysed too!

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1484 3 Apr 2013 at 2.38pm

The new guy in prison is approached by a huge bodybuilder type in the shower on his first night.

He says to him, "as you're new here, you get the choice". "Do you want sex with, or without spit?"

The guy is thinking, with spit won't hurt as much, so he says, "w- w -with spit".

The big guy shouts over, "Hey Spit, the new guy wants a threesome."

sik

Posts: 2391

#1483 3 Apr 2013 at 8.07am

My wife hates it when I say,"You're just like your mother!"

Actually,she hates it when I say anything during sex.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1482 3 Apr 2013 at 8.05am

Don't worry about the rising tensions in North Korea,we've sent the B52's over.

They'll soon surrender once they've had to listen to Love Shack a few times

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1481 2 Apr 2013 at 7.01pm

Glory holes in public toilets give me the willies.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1480 2 Apr 2013 at 4.34pm

WARNING ABOUT EBAY

Be careful what you buy on ebay - if you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent �95, plus tax and shipping, on a penis enlarger.

They sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

SlugHunter

Posts: 22684

#1479 2 Apr 2013 at 4.30pm

In reply to Post #1478

sik

Posts: 2391

#1478 2 Apr 2013 at 1.52pm

A bloke runs into a pub, grinning and says to the landlord, "The beers are on me - my wife just ran off with my best friend!"
The landlord smiled and said, "Well, that's a shame. Why aren't you sad?"
"Sad?" the bloke replies, "They've saved me a fortune. They were both pregnant!"

Q. What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
A. The Pitbull gets to finish

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1477 2 Apr 2013 at 8.22am

In reply to Post #1476

sik

Posts: 2391

#1476 1 Apr 2013 at 9.54pm

One day little Johnny was at the farm with his uncle..
Little Johnny asked his uncle, 'hey uncle, whats the difference between potentially and realistically?'
Little johnnys uncle then said, 'go in and ask your auntie Mavis if she'll have sex with the mail man for a million bucks'
Little Johnny went and asked his auntie the same question..
His auntie Mavis then said, 'well with the way things are going at the moment i would!'
Little Johnny went back and told his uncle what she had said....
His uncle then turned around and said, 'okay then, go and ask your in uncle sherell if she'll do the same thing'
Little Johnny went and asked his cousin sherell if she'd have sex with the mail man for a million bucks!'
His cousin sherell said, 'well durr, what kind of a question is that!'
Little Johnny went and told his uncle what she had said..
His uncle then turns around and says, 'well, there ya go, potentially we're sitting on 2 million bucks! But realistically im just living with a couple of whores

sik

Posts: 2391

#1475 1 Apr 2013 at 8.28pm

In reply to Post #1474

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1474 1 Apr 2013 at 7.19pm

There were 3 sisters living together 92, 94 and 95 yrs. old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"

The 94 yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"

The 92 yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1473 1 Apr 2013 at 6.54pm

In reply to Post #1462

sik

Posts: 2391

#1472 1 Apr 2013 at 6.34pm

Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.

A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.

After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, �I couldn�t help but notice, but you don�t appear to have any ears.� Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: �Do you notice anything different about me?� She replied: �Well, you have no ears.� Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: �Do you notice anything different about me?�

To his surprise, the young man answered: �Yes. You wear contact lenses.� Tom was shocked, and said, �What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?�

The young man replied, �Well, it�s obvious really. You can�t wear glasses if you haven�t got any fcuking ears!


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