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Joke Thread
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elltell

Posts: 1071

#1459 31 Mar 2013 at 7.21am

Two businessmen in the centre of Lymington
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“Must be doing well... Only the two of you left."

elltell

Posts: 1071

#1458 31 Mar 2013 at 7.03am

Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!!!

Sad news I'm afraid, a man has recently died at a chocolate factory after a pile of boxes fell on to him.
He tried in vain to save himself, and when he called for help and shouted" the Milky Bars are on me"................. Everyone just cheered

harveyboy

Posts: 1077

#1457 30 Mar 2013 at 6.58pm

In reply to Post #1456
carol vorderman recently fell down the stairs i believe-word has it she hit 2 from the top and 3 from the bottom

tmrCarper

Posts: 494

#1456 30 Mar 2013 at 1.59pm

I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life guard noticed and blew his whistle so ****ing loud I nearly fell in...

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1455 28 Mar 2013 at 7.42pm

In reply to Post #1454

more like a couple of bucks

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#1454 28 Mar 2013 at 5.37pm

In reply to Post #1453
Need some advice, just been offered 8 legs of venison for £20...is that two deer?

sik

Posts: 2391

#1453 28 Mar 2013 at 7.38am

In reply to Post #1451

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1452 28 Mar 2013 at 7.25am

In reply to Post #1451

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#1451 27 Mar 2013 at 8.22pm

In reply to Post #1450
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... She's 21 and her name's Lucy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'