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Joke Thread
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jimmyAd

Posts: 8934

#1657 7 May 2013 at 6.15pm

In reply to Post #1656
Ralphy...i just found a pen...is it yours mate

ralph69

Posts: 10219

#1656 7 May 2013 at 6.00pm

walked into the pub yesterday and found a pen on the floor
said to the village idiot at the bar " is this yours mate "
give it here he said , ill try it.
yep , its mine he replied
i said " how do you know"
he said , coz thats my handwriting

carpy09

Posts: 13092

#1655 7 May 2013 at 12.10pm

In reply to Post #1652

wingnutt1

Posts: 511

#1654 7 May 2013 at 11.08am

In reply to Post #1
.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1653 7 May 2013 at 8.50am

In reply to Post #1652

nwpiker41

Posts: 8093

#1652 6 May 2013 at 10.36pm

In reply to Post #1651
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?" I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat Cow.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22699

#1651 6 May 2013 at 6.42pm

In reply to Post #1650

sik

Posts: 2391

#1650 6 May 2013 at 4.17pm

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22699

#1649 6 May 2013 at 10.09am

An alcoholic, a sex addict and a pothead, all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from earth and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods.

Satan first approaches the alcoholic, What is it that you would like to have, to which the alcoholic responds, I want the finest brew, wine and liquor you can get me?. Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine and of course the purest grain alcohol, each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste; a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, WHOOA WHO!! in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks What is it that you would like to have?, to which the sex addict responds WOMEN! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!. Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs and some short, some have tight pussies and some have shaved pussies. All of the women are hot, naked and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks. What is it that you would like to have?, to which the pothead responds, Well, that's easy! I want the best weed you got. Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pot head was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style (like with his legs crossed), took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looks at him curiously, shuts the door and locks it.

**ONE HUNDRED YEARS PASS**

Satan returns to the first room (remembering the alcoholic), unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked covered in his own vomit and ****, screaming 'HELP!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!'. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan then returns to the second room (remembering the sex addict), unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan finally arrives at the third and final room (remembering the pothead), unlocks and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan?s evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched; just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, What's wrong?. A tear rolls down the pothead?s cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies, 'Got a lighter, man?'

SlugHunter

Posts: 22699

#1648 5 May 2013 at 8.10pm

In reply to Post #1647

sik

Posts: 2391

#1647 5 May 2013 at 5.22pm

I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back,"OMG really?"

I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1646 5 May 2013 at 4.45pm

In reply to Post #1644

SlugHunter

Posts: 22699

#1645 5 May 2013 at 4.16pm

In reply to Post #1644

sik

Posts: 2391

#1644 5 May 2013 at 3.53pm

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22699

#1643 5 May 2013 at 10.00am

I came home from a college to find a sexy woman sunbathing topless in the neighbour's back garden.

She was listening to her ipad and had a towel covering most of her face, so I had to take my chance by quickly pulling out my cock and ejaculating over my mum's flowerbeds.

As I walked back into the house with a smile on my face, my dad said, "Did you say hello to the new neighbour?"

"No, is she nice?" I asked.

"She's not bad for a tranny," he replied.


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