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   Old Thread  #1627 2 May 2013 at 9.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was sad to hear that Audley Harrison has hung up his gloves........he could have sold them on ebay as nearly new.
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   Old Thread  #1626 2 May 2013 at 11.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1625 2 May 2013 at 10.46am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was in Ikea with my wife yesterday and she asked "What's beech wood"

I smiled and said "Remember when we were in Spain and you were playing in the sand and wearing that bikini?"

"Ohhh...yeah.." she said, giggling.

"Yeah, it's what I would have got that day if you were'nt fat".
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   Old Thread  #1624 1 May 2013 at 9.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
my wife took two hours to get ready to go out last night.
she came downstairs and said " how do i look"
like a film star i replied
oh , really , which one?
i said ****ing lassie
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   Old Thread  #1623 1 May 2013 at 9.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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after a 10 game ban , he'll probbably die of starvation
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   Old Thread  #1622 1 May 2013 at 1.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My daughter went out on her first date yesterday, and I asked her how it went.

"Oh my god!" she said, "He was minging."

"In what way?" I said.

"He had greasy hair, manky teeth and really stinky breath."

"You never know, he might've been a really nice bloke," I replied.

"I know," she said, "But my standards are a lot higher than mum's were."
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   Old Thread  #1621 30 Apr 2013 at 7.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1620 30 Apr 2013 at 6.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I walked in the pub last night to see 2 big blokes in there 20s arm wrestling with a huge crowd cheering around them.

I walked over and said to them, "I could beat either of you two in arm wrestle, hands down."

"Dont make me laugh," one of them said. "You're about 60 years old."

"I know I am," I replied. "But I'm also a virgin."
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   Old Thread  #1619 30 Apr 2013 at 9.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A Mother in law said to her daughter in law, when the baby was born i don't mean to be rude,but he looks nothing like my son,the daughter lifted up her skirt and said,i don't mean to be rude but this is fanny not a ******* photocopier.
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   Old Thread  #1618 29 Apr 2013 at 1.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
All Liverpool fans can hope for is that Luis Suarez comes back even hungrier...
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   Old Thread  #1617 28 Apr 2013 at 5.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife and I were watching an old video of Emannuelle last night. Halfway through, she got up, winked, went off to the bedroom and came back a few moments later. She posed in the doorway wearing only black undies and suspenders, then purred "Don't I look just like Sylvia Kristel?"

"Mmmmmm," I replied, "you'd better get the vaseline, baby."

"No need," she smiled, "I'm already pretty excited...."

I said "it's to smear on my glasses."
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   Old Thread  #1616 28 Apr 2013 at 1.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1615 28 Apr 2013 at 1.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby girl.

"Congratulations!' says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby girl and says,

"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name her Sum Ting Wong.
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   Old Thread  #1614 28 Apr 2013 at 11.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1613 28 Apr 2013 at 11.28am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..
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