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We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.
Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.
Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
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 #2667 6 Oct 2020 at 10.53am | |   |
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What do you say to a Country and Western singer?
"Sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your truck broke down and your dog died!"
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#2666 26 Sept 2020 at 5.06pm | | |
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The barmen says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve time travelers in here".
A time traveler walks into a pub........
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#2665 25 Sept 2020 at 9.54pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2664
I bought a dozen bees from a bee keeper,when I checked i realised he had made a mistake and gave me 13,nice chap said keep it its a free bee.
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 |  | |
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#2664 22 Sept 2020 at 11.15pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2663
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#2663 22 Sept 2020 at 8.19pm | | |
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Met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area the other day.
He had a Wigan address.
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#2662 27 Aug 2020 at 4.49pm | | |
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https://youtu.be/QMKWmmU63aU
Watch from just before 2 mins
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#2661 22 Aug 2020 at 2.50pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2660
That was brilliant 🤣
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#2660 14 Aug 2020 at 11.32am | | |
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Not a joke as such but very funny
LINK
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#2659 29 Jul 2020 at 9.51pm | | |
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What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce and a tomato?.
Chicken Caesar salad.
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#2658 5 Apr 2020 at 0.20am | | |
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In reply to Post #2657
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#2657 22 Mar 2020 at 7.06pm | | |
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Deliveroo are changing their name
To Deliver flu...
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2656 24 Feb 2020 at 1.07am | | |
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What do you call a constipated detective?
....
....
No sh*t sherlock
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#2655 29 Jan 2020 at 11.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2644
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#2654 18 Jan 2020 at 9.22pm | | |
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Took the wife out for a romantic dinner tonight. We played footsie under the table. I had lasagna, she got toad in the hole 
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#2653 4 Dec 2019 at 11.19pm | | |
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me and the wife sat down for dinner, she nearly choked to death when I told her I put ginger in the curry, Christ.....she loves that cat.
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#2652 2 Dec 2019 at 11.13pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2651
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#2651 2 Dec 2019 at 2.49pm | | |
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Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pains, doc checks him out and says well I can't find anything wrong, must be the drink, Paddy says ok doc I'll come back when your sober.
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#2650 1 Dec 2019 at 10.00pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2649
Gutted as my beloved pet mouse named Elvis died recently due to getting caught in a trap.
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#2649 20 Oct 2019 at 1.15pm | | |
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Paddy says to Mick I've just found a pen, is it yours? Mick replies give it here, then writes on a scrap of paper, yes says Mick, it is mine, Paddy says how can you be so sure, Mick says its MY hand writing.
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#2648 15 Oct 2019 at 11.37pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2646
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2647 15 Oct 2019 at 10.36pm | | |
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To the person who stole my glasses....
I will find you....
I have contacts
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2646 6 Oct 2019 at 12.29pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2644
Brilliant
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#2645 6 Oct 2019 at 12.16pm | | |
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A guy was going into the mental home, he stopped and asked the doctor "how do you judge wether a patient is sane or not" the doc replied "we fill a bath with water and put a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket next to it and ask the patient to empty the bath", ah, I get it, the normal person will choose the bucket, the doc said "no, the normal person will pull the plug, would you like a bed near the window.
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#2644 23 Sept 2019 at 2.39pm | | |
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The lad asked me if I’d bring him 6 cans of sprite over and when i was almost there I realised I’d picked 7 up.
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#2643 23 Sept 2019 at 2.20pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2639
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#2642 8 Sept 2019 at 6.25pm | | |
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A guy goe's to the doctor's complaining about a little bump in the middle of his forehead, Doc say's have you been attacked or had an accident? no replies the guy, doc ask's doe's it hurt?, no, Doc gave him some cream and said if it dosn't go down in a week come back, a week passes and the guy goe's back, look doc it's getting bigger, Mmmm says the doc, its beginning to stick out more, doc says keep applying the cream and I will make some enquiries, another week passes, the guy is back to see the doc, now the bump resembles a sausage, doc says it looks like a very rare complaint called Penisitis which means it will grow to the size of your penis, FFS said the guy, are you telling me every time I have a shave and look in the mirror I'm going to see this cock on my forehead, No said the doc your nuts will be covering your eye's you won't see a thing.
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#2641 8 Aug 2019 at 6.49am | | |
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In reply to Post #2640
I've just finished reading Victoria Beckham's autobiography. It tells about why she denied having a boob job, the real truth about herself and the things most precious in her life. It's called "The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe!"
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#2640 30 Jul 2019 at 3.25pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2638
talking about Viagra, my granddad went to the chemist and asked for half a dose of Viagra, the guy behind the counter said sorry we don't sell half measures but why do you only want half? granddad said I don't want a full blown stiffy just enough to stop me p1ssing on my slippers.
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#2639 14 Jul 2019 at 6.59pm | | |
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Its been a funny old day today
it started off really well when I found a hat full of money !!
but then I got chased by a loony man with a guitar ?
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#2638 10 Jul 2019 at 6.01pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2637
Viagra is just a trade name, now the license has expired you can buy the generic drug Mycoxafloppin.
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#2637 12 Jun 2019 at 9.42pm | | |
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I was watching the viagra connect advert earlier, 4.3 million men in the U.K. experience erectile problems?
Looking at 20 million of the fat arsed ugly woman in the UK I can understand why
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#2636 31 Mar 2019 at 8.36pm | | |
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The Mrs asked ‘what do i excel in’, wasn’t too impressed when I told her ‘underwear’.
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#2635 16 Mar 2019 at 12.47pm | | |
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Angie: Hey Sharon, I don’t feel well, I have a very sore throat.
Sharon: ooo that’s bad, when I have a sore throat I give me old man a blow job and the next day there’s a big improvement, try that, it can’t do any harm.
2 days later
Angie: Hey Sharon, I did wot you said and it doe’s work but your old man didn’t believe it was your idea.
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#2634 2 Mar 2019 at 9.29pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2633
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#2633 1 Mar 2019 at 9.03pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Paddy:why do scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat Murphy :cos if they fall forward they would still be in the boat
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#2632 10 Feb 2019 at 9.59am | | |
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Just been recommended the Adam Ant diet.....
‘Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever’.
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#2631 8 Feb 2019 at 3.12pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2630
People are always asking what will you be doing next year....
How do I know it’s not as if I have 2020 vision
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#2630 30 Jan 2019 at 1.53pm | | |
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Special thanks to my neighbour who lent me some sheeting to put on the windscreen during this freezing weather.
Ta Pauline.
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#2629 1 Jan 2019 at 9.48am | | |
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What do you call a french man wearing open toe shoes?
Felipe Falope!
Happy Brexit, whoops....Happy New Year!
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#2628 26 Dec 2018 at 11.49pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2627
What is a chickens favourite footwear?
Reebok, bok, bok, bokarrr
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#2627 25 Dec 2018 at 0.12am | | |
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In reply to Post #2626
Indeed you do.
Happy Xmas mate.
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#2626 24 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2625
You have to laugh, all in a night out 
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#2625 24 Dec 2018 at 7.16pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2624
What a lad.
My mate took the bus from the bus station, dropped the lads off at twigg street and as they were getting off asked them for the fare.,...
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#2624 24 Dec 2018 at 5.56pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2623
No, different initials. Quite a few years ago now. Its the same lad who drive a JCB on a night out through a supermarket window of a “southern holiday” resort. Quite a character, got sent down
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#2623 24 Dec 2018 at 4.55pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2622
Stranglely enough my mate did the same....
Not the same mate is it, couldn’t be, surely?.
Initials of my mate who did that........C.B
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#2622 24 Dec 2018 at 10.39am | | |
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In reply to Post #2619
Good un that
Reminds me of a lad I know who once pinched a coach and did the same, took all his mates home
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#2621 23 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2619
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#2620 23 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm | | |
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Skeleton goes into a bar, orders a pint of lager and a mop.
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#2619 19 Dec 2018 at 8.36am | | |
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In reply to Post #2618
A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the shots Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my van at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
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#2618 18 Dec 2018 at 6.46pm | | |
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Went to the doctors the other day , he told me to take up a hobby that gets me out of the pub ,
So I started smoking again
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#2617 12 Dec 2018 at 8.39pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2615
10 Pinter that
What’s the most popular owl in the world?
Tea towel
Why do they call pirates, pirates?
Cause they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
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#2616 1 Dec 2018 at 9.29pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2615
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#2615 1 Dec 2018 at 9.11pm | | |
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My son said to me ‘what rhymes with orange’. I said ‘it doesn’t’.
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#2614 24 Nov 2018 at 5.41pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2613
Tampax have announced that they are to replace the string with tinsel, but only for the Christmas period.
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#2613 19 Nov 2018 at 5.15pm | | |
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Was late the other day on my way to work. Got stuck behind a tractor as the driver was shouting ‘the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is nigh’. I think it was farmer Geddon.
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#2612 22 Oct 2018 at 7.39pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2611
Son- Dad why is my sister called Teresa
Dad- Because you’re mum loves Easter - it’s an anagram
Son- Thanks Dad
Dad- No problem Alan
🥊🥊
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#2611 10 Oct 2018 at 10.31pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2610
I’m here all week...
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#2610 9 Oct 2018 at 10.27pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2609
Now that's better .
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#2609 9 Oct 2018 at 8.51am | | |
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In reply to Post #2608
The letter ‘u’ would appropriately fit in there somewhere.
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#2608 1 Oct 2018 at 11.52pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2607
Hmmm
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#2607 23 Sept 2018 at 10.23pm | | |
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What goes in and out and stinks of p155?.
Your grandparents doing the Hokey Cokey.
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#2606 23 Sept 2018 at 11.19am | | |
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In reply to Post #2605
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#2605 29 Aug 2018 at 9.44pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2604
, i went into the jewellers today and said to the fella , " I've come to buy a watch " , he said analogue , I said no , just the watch
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#2604 29 Aug 2018 at 6.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2603
That's a bit insensitive, I had to put my dog down today.
Weighed a bloody ton.
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#2603 27 Aug 2018 at 6.35am | | |
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In reply to Post #2602
I went to the dentist today he said say aahhhh , I said why , he said coz my dog died
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#2602 26 Aug 2018 at 1.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2601
Hold up... Black footballers staying away from football grounds because of racism!
What feck is west hams excuse then cause they have not turned up this season🤣
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2601 14 Aug 2018 at 10.07pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2600
You're a wrong 'un ralphy
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#2600 14 Aug 2018 at 8.47pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2599
Sorry mate , never saw them , thought you was on about carpypats post from 6years ago 😂
Anyway , what do you call a black man ...............😂
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2599 14 Aug 2018 at 8.33pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2598
Peace and love man....
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#2598 14 Aug 2018 at 8.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2597
Stop being so PC and get you hair cut.
Bloody hippies 
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2597 14 Aug 2018 at 7.36pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2596
Alright ralphy.
There was a load of posts about offensive jokes and I was putting my pov across.
But... now they've all gone!
Maybe I'm losing my marbles in my old age!
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#2596 14 Aug 2018 at 5.13pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2595
Wtf are you on about malster ?
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2595 14 Aug 2018 at 11.11am | | |
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Have to say that the mods got it right.
The argument that if people are offended then they shouldn't read the thread just doesn't wash (sorry ralphy). Should black footballers who are offended by racist chants be told they should avoid football grounds? Of course not. If your sister complains some prat felt her bum in a club would you say she shouldn't go clubbing?
It's a public forum and the mods need to regulate accordingly.
If that means you are going to sulk and not post then maybe bit says more about what you find funny than what others find offensive.
Keep the thread going. I often have a good laugh reading it. It's almost as funny as some of magoos posts on the footy thread
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#2594 7 Aug 2018 at 9.31am | | |
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In reply to Post #2593
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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#2593 6 Aug 2018 at 10.01pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2548
To the thief that stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now.
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#2592 21 Jun 2018 at 6.44pm | | |
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Q. What's the difference between football and Tommy Robinson ?
A. Footballs coming home
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#2591 12 Jun 2018 at 10.35pm | | |
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#2590 15 Apr 2018 at 3.42am | | |
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*****s are like ****ing kebabs , you only wanna eat one when you're ****ing piss3d
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#2589 22 Mar 2018 at 7.52am | | |
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In reply to Post #2587
Mate of mine has just got a job at a funeral directors.
He ran up to the owner and said "Hey Boss, that little old lady over there has got a prawn sticking out from between her legs".
The boss went to have a look and said "You stupid sod, that's her clitoris".
"Well it tasted like a prawn" he said.
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#2588 15 Mar 2018 at 5.43pm | | |
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The old Guy went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the toilet during the night, then said: I must be blessed, God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm finished", later that day, the doc called the old guys wife and said: "his test results were fine, but he claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the toilet at night,”
wife said “the silly old sod, he’s been peeing in the fridge again”.
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#2587 25 Feb 2018 at 11.56am | | |
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In reply to Post #2586
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#2586 24 Feb 2018 at 7.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Got back from the lake the other day and found my wife in bed with my best friend..
Obviously I kicked her out, I'm not going to stand for it! As for my best friend I sat down with him, looked him straight in the eyes and said 'bad dog'
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#2585 11 Feb 2018 at 0.23am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
My therapist told me that a good way to let go of my anger was to write letters to the people I hate and to burn them.
I did that, and the hereapists suggestion was right, I do feel a lot better.
But now I am wondering if I should I keep the letters?
Tel
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#2584 31 Jan 2018 at 2.32pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
I arrived at the bus stop the other day to find a rather plump lady waiting.
"When's it due"? I asked.
"I'm not pregnant you cheeky git" she replied.
"I meant the bus you fat c*nt" I said.
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#2583 30 Jan 2018 at 11.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
A priest was called to perform an exorcism on a chicken coop.
He managed to rid it of a poultrygeist.
Tel
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#2582 30 Jan 2018 at 11.12pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
A friend’s wife asked him what he was doing today.
“Nothing planned” was his reply.
She then reminded him that he had done nothing the previous day.
Quick as a flash he came back with.
“I know. I haven’t finished yet”
Tel
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#2581 14 Jan 2018 at 7.35pm | | |
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guy goes into the clinic says "I've got a strawberry up my arse" Doc says I've got some cream for that.
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#2580 5 Jan 2018 at 7.17am | | |
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In reply to Post #2577
Bill & Ben lying in bed.
Bill says "Flibber, flobba, flibber flobba"
Ben says "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"
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#2579 21 Dec 2017 at 7.15pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2578
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#2578 19 Dec 2017 at 12.48pm | | |
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
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#2577 26 Oct 2017 at 10.38pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2576
Tel
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#2576 26 Oct 2017 at 8.06pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2575
It's hard to find any good chemistry jokes anymore
All the best Argon
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#2575 29 Sept 2017 at 8.39pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2574
Teacher. OK class, when we visited the farm today can you tell me what sounds we heard.
Sarah. I heard Bah Bah.
James. I heard snort snort.
Billy. I heard "get off that f****** tractor"
.
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#2574 26 Sept 2017 at 6.47am | | |
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Donald trump goes to the hospital for a circumcision. The doctor says I can not operate on this man, There's no end to this p#@ck!!
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#2573 23 Sept 2017 at 5.59pm | | |
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Mick says to Paddy "why did you name your dogs Rolex & Timex"?
Paddy replied coz there're watch dogs
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#2572 21 Sept 2017 at 0.03am | | |
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I came home from work tonight and the missus says "can I have £5000."
What for I ask her.
She says I want it for a boob job.
You don't need £5000 I said, all you need is a bit of toilet roll. Rub it in between your boobs twice a day and your boobs will be enormous.
Really, she said.
Of course, look what it's done for your arse.
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#2571 19 Sept 2017 at 7.33am | | |
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One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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#2570 18 Sept 2017 at 4.34am | | |
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A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2569 16 Sept 2017 at 8.43pm | | |
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I hate my insomnia
But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2568 16 Sept 2017 at 8.41pm | | |
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Handy tip.
When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'
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#2567 16 Sept 2017 at 7.06pm | | |
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A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.
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#2566 16 Sept 2017 at 2.12am | | |
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A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.
There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.
The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.
Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.
He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.
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#2565 15 Sept 2017 at 6.02am | | |
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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#2564 14 Sept 2017 at 5.49am | | |
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In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.
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#2563 10 Sept 2017 at 5.41pm | | |
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.
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#2562 7 Sept 2017 at 5.40pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2561
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#2561 6 Sept 2017 at 5.46pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2560
Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...
Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....
"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."
At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.
Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.
Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...
"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...
"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy
No there's a train coming!!
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#2560 6 Sept 2017 at 2.28pm | | |
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Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin
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#2559 1 Sept 2017 at 9.24pm | | |
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Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"
Woman replies "why's that"
Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".
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#2558 31 Aug 2017 at 7.37pm | | |
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Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.
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#2557 30 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2556
I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.
"google earth"
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#2556 30 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2555
Excellent
Dad theres a bloke at the door with a bald head
Tell him to **** off I've got one
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#2555 29 Aug 2017 at 9.07pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2553
Dad , there's a bloke knocking the door with a beard .
Well no wonder I couldn't ****ing hear him.
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#2554 29 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2552
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#2553 29 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm | | |
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I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.
So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".
To which he told me to f#ck off.......
Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
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#2552 29 Aug 2017 at 8.58pm | | |
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I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".
So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
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#2551 29 Aug 2017 at 8.41pm | | |
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I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
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#2550 29 Aug 2017 at 6.33pm | | |
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I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"
can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said
no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.
Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
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#2549 22 Aug 2017 at 9.27pm | | |
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Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2548 11 Aug 2017 at 3.03pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2543
i went to the zoo the other day
all they had was a little oriental sounding dog
it was a shih tzu
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#2547 23 Jul 2017 at 10.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2546
Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
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#2546 23 Jul 2017 at 4.53pm | | |
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A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
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#2545 24 Jun 2017 at 8.27am | | |
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In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention
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#2544 23 Jun 2017 at 11.45pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.
Tel
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#2543 6 Jun 2017 at 12.39pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2542
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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#2542 12 May 2017 at 4.16pm | | |
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a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"
Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?
Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian
Assistant. ----- I doupt it
Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish
Assistant. ----- Proberly not
Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish
Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.
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#2541 30 Mar 2017 at 3.38pm | | |
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Tel
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#2540 14 Mar 2017 at 8.06pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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#2539 12 Mar 2017 at 8.28am | | |
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An unemployed man went into a job center in Devon and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Enticed by the job title, he went in
and asked the clerk for details of the position.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist .
You have to help the women out of there underwear , lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.
"The annual salary is 125.000 , and if you are interested you will have to travel to Inverness Scotland ".
"Good grief....Is that where the job is?"
"No sir..... that's where the end of the line is for applicants right now.
😂😂
Tel
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#2538 5 Mar 2017 at 10.12am | | |
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Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target. 🎯
From the kitchen wife asks the husband :
"What are u doing?"
Husband : "MISSING YOU DARLING"
👍
Tel
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#2537 4 Mar 2017 at 2.13pm | | |
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a 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom, the 7 year old says it's time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast I'll start then you, OK, the 4 year old says yeah OK, they go down and mum says what do you want for breakfast? the 7 year old says Coco pops Bitch, whack, he gets a clout round the head and ends up on the floor, she turns to the 4 year old and says what about you, well it won't be f***ing Coco pops.
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2536 13 Feb 2017 at 1.43pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2532
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#2535 31 Jan 2017 at 6.09pm | | |
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two cannibal's eating a clown (not me) one turns to the other and says does this taste funny to you?
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#2534 31 Jan 2017 at 3.48pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Donald trump goes to the hospital for his circumcision. The doctor walks in and says "I cannot operate on this man, there's no end to this *****"
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#2533 24 Jan 2017 at 6.54pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2531
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#2532 24 Jan 2017 at 6.02pm | | |
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Boy says to mum , I've got the biggest nob at nursery , is it because I'm a scouser , no she replies
It's because you're 28 and a ****ing retard now be a good lad and don't get you're spaghetti hoops
Down you're Liverpool shirt
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#2531 23 Jan 2017 at 7.49pm | | |
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If someone tries to assassinate president Trump will his bodyguards shout Donald , Duck
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#2530 20 Jan 2017 at 1.23pm | | |
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Kids know far to much these days , today in the doctors waiting room a little girl was playing with
Ken and Barbie dolls imitating the doggy position . I bent down and whispered , you'll end up
With baby dolls if you keep doing that , she replied I don't think so dickhead , he's doing her up
The ar$e
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#2529 18 Jan 2017 at 6.43pm | | |
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Got chatting to this bird in a club the other night and she whispered in my ear "fancy coming back to mine , I've got a fanny like a polo " , to right I said .
Got her home and dropped her draws then I gasped , she said you look shocked , I said i thought you meant
The mint , not the ****ing hatchback
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#2528 7 Jan 2017 at 12.41pm | | |
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A guy goes in to a pub, he grabs a guy at the bar, sticks a gun up his trumpet and says "who's been shagging my wife"? The barman laughed and said "you don't have enough bullets".
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#2527 30 Dec 2016 at 8.35pm | | |
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The wife had her teeth whitened last night, but to be honest I think most of it went on her chin.
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#2526 30 Dec 2016 at 1.15am | | |
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In reply to Post #2522
👍🏼😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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#2525 26 Dec 2016 at 8.34pm | | |
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As it is the time of the year.
A little boy asks his mother: "Mom, can I have a puppy for Christmas?"
His mother replies: "You'll have turkey same as everybody else."😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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#2524 26 Dec 2016 at 8.31pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
A couple are out shopping before Christmas and get separated in the crowds.
After a while the wife phones the husband to ask where he is.
The husband replies: "Do you remember 5 years ago when were looking in the window of that little jewellers? The one where you saw that beautiful diamond bracelet; and I said that one day in the future, when I could afford it, I would buy it for you."
The wife, choking back the tears replies:
"Oh yes darling, I remember"
"Well" said the husband "I'm in the pub next door 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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#2523 26 Dec 2016 at 8.30pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Seasonal advice - don't drink and drive.
Last night for example, I was out with the lads and had a few pints followed by several whiskies. So I decided it was better to take a bus home. On the way I passed a patrol car stopping all the cars and doing breath tests. Boy was I glad, and I got home safely.
Which was lucky really, because I'd never driven a bus before, and can't remember where I got it from...
Tel
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#2522 23 Dec 2016 at 3.53pm | | |
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The wife got out of the shower and said "as a special Christmas treat I've shaved my pussy, you know what that means" I said "yeah the ****ing drain is blocked again".
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#2521 17 Dec 2016 at 1.20pm | | |
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Just got a new high tech bed for Christmas, the "Micro wave" type........you get a full nights sleep in 20 minutes 
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#2520 15 Dec 2016 at 8.49pm | | |
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Years ago I once walked in on my nan giving my grandad a nosh , I was in total shock coz I thought she
Buried it with the rest of him
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#2519 12 Dec 2016 at 10.05pm | | |
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Just watched a scouse family on family fortunes , you should have seen there faces when Vernon Kay said you have a chance to steal
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#2518 11 Dec 2016 at 11.13am | | |
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In reply to Post #2517
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#2517 24 Nov 2016 at 2.55pm | | |
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paddy spot's a tasty bird with big jugs at a party, he go's over to her and gets her several drinks then asks "do you want to come back to my place so we can make love" she said I would but I'm on my menstrual cycle, paddy says that's ok you go on ahead and I'll follow on my Honda.
O god .....the old ones are still the......old ones......
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#2516 21 Nov 2016 at 5.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2515
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#2515 21 Nov 2016 at 8.40am | | |
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My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
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#2514 18 Nov 2016 at 1.07pm | | |
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#2513 18 Nov 2016 at 10.56am | | |
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The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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#2512 18 Nov 2016 at 9.08am | | |
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Another 'best joke of all time'
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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#2511 16 Nov 2016 at 8.41pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2507
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#2510 16 Nov 2016 at 9.19am | | |
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What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
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#2509 16 Nov 2016 at 9.14am | | |
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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#2508 15 Nov 2016 at 11.48am | | |
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In reply to Post #2507
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#2507 15 Nov 2016 at 11.36am | | |
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In reply to Post #2506
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend carp fishing with his mate.
When he finally got home on Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife!
After two hours she stopped nagging and said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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#2506 9 Nov 2016 at 6.55pm | | |
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Farmer in a field rounding his sheep up with his dog. Man walks around the corner and says to the farmer, hey farmer, if I can tell you how many sheep you have got in that field in the next 3 seconds can I have one?
Farmer says, Ok then, try it, Man replies, 787.
The farmer astonished, how did you know that, man replies, I'm just good with numbers. Ok mate, fair play, get yourself up the field and get one
The man comes walking down with the hill, the farmer says, Oi, if I can tell you where you come from can I have my sheep back.
Bloke says, yeah, fair play, the farmer replies, Dublin, Southern Ireland. The man replies **** me, how did you know that?
Farmer replies, put the ****ing dog down...
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#2505 9 Nov 2016 at 7.08am | | |
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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#2504 8 Nov 2016 at 8.43am | | |
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Joke of the day
Why We Vote in November :D
Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."
"Why's that?"
"Better selection of turkeys!"
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#2503 7 Nov 2016 at 6.56pm | | |
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Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador", "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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#2502 7 Nov 2016 at 6.38pm | | |
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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?', No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear, 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2501 4 Nov 2016 at 1.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2500
Nice one
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#2500 3 Nov 2016 at 6.36pm | | |
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95% of scousers admit to having sex in the shower , the other 5% ain't been inside yet .
Alright malster 
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#2499 1 Nov 2016 at 11.50am | | |
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#2498 31 Oct 2016 at 7.12am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
hi all. here's my joke of the day:
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me.
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#2497 28 Oct 2016 at 9.28pm | | |
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My missus told me she was leaving me because I'm immature and we should set a date so we can talk about the state of our marriage .
She can **** off if she thinks I'm doing that in the middle of the conker season .
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#2496 25 Oct 2016 at 9.02pm | | |
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#2495 25 Oct 2016 at 7.30pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2494
And yours
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#2494 25 Oct 2016 at 7.04pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2493
so doe's yours 
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#2493 25 Oct 2016 at 10.35am | | |
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In reply to Post #2490
Yes she does
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#2492 25 Oct 2016 at 9.42am | | |
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In reply to Post #2478
Can't stop laughing, luckyjim
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#2491 5 Oct 2016 at 8.22pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2489
PMSL
I had a wife, once lol
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#2490 5 Oct 2016 at 8.20pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2489
Sounds like my wife but she doesn't take it up the arse and she's useless with the kids
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#2489 5 Oct 2016 at 8.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2488
The old bill knocked my door last night holding a picture of my wife, they said " excuse me sir , is this you're wife" , l said "yes" . He replied " I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus " . I said "I know , but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids .
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#2488 15 Sept 2016 at 9.15pm | | |
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went to a show the other night, there was a hypnotist, boy he was good, swinging his pocket watch left to right and back again he had 7 guys under his spell in no time, as he turned to the audience he stumbled and dropped the watch, it broke into a thousand pieces, as he bent down to pick up the bits he said f*** me and what I saw in the next 5 minutes will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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#2487 5 Sept 2016 at 11.06am | | |
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home, feeling well randy and full of confidence he leans his hand on the wall and says "darling will you give me a blowjob"
"no my parents will see us"
"oh come on who's gonna see us at this hour"
"no, can you imagine if we get caught"
"oh come on they're all asleep"
"no its just too risky"
"please please I love you so much"
"I love you too but I just can't "
"I beg you"
then the landing light goes on and the girls sister comes down the stairs, in a sleepy voice says "dad says give him a blowjob, or I can do it, or if need be he'll do it but for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"
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| | | mal | | Posts: 5597 | | |
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#2486 31 Aug 2016 at 10.58pm | | |
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#2485 31 Aug 2016 at 4.07pm | | |
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Jack Wiltshire has fallen out of the transfer window and will be out for four months
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#2484 18 Aug 2016 at 12.15pm | | |
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Mick O'Reilly raised his beer glass and said "here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me lovely wife", he won the best toast of the night, went home and told the wife, aye did you now, what was the toast? "here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife", next day the wife bumps into one of Mick's drinking pals, hello Mary he chuckles I see Mick won the best toast of the night and it was about you, yes she said though I'm a bit surprised he's only been in there twice in the last 4 years, the first time I had to pull his ear to make him come and the second he fell asleep.
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#2483 13 Aug 2016 at 1.38pm | | |
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Paddy is holding down a good job at The Natural History museum then one day a Yank said hey buddy what is that? paddy replied that boss is a Mammoth it's very old, really, how old is it? this one is 4 million years 8 months, Wow said the yank, how can they get the age so accurate? well said paddy it was 4 million years old when I got the job and I've been hear 8 months now.
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#2482 4 Aug 2016 at 7.24pm | | |
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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#2481 4 Aug 2016 at 7.19pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2480
brill
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#2480 3 Aug 2016 at 7.46pm | | |
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Went to my first Isis birthday party today , musical chairs was a bit slow but **** me pass the parcel weren't half quick .
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#2479 2 Aug 2016 at 9.05pm | | |
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My neighbor just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line ,
**** me , I nearly sh1t her pants
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#2478 2 Aug 2016 at 8.46pm | | |
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A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
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#2477 2 Aug 2016 at 8.42pm | | |
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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#2476 19 Jul 2016 at 7.49am | | |
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In reply to Post #2
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!
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#2475 8 Jul 2016 at 5.12pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
My missus left me because of my obsession with the footy , bitch , we'd been together ten seasons
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#2474 8 Jul 2016 at 7.00am | | |
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In reply to Post #2473
Paddy opens Micks fridge and asks him why he keeps a empty bottle of milk in their.
In case somebody wants a black coffe you thick **** was his reply
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#2473 5 Jul 2016 at 7.45pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2472
I met our postman at the gate the other day, I don't know what surprised him more, the fact that I was naked or the fact that I knew where he lived
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#2472 2 Jul 2016 at 4.10pm | | |
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Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
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#2471 30 Jun 2016 at 2.19pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2470
There's an Englishman , Irishman ,Scotsman and normally a Welshman but he's still in France
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#2470 24 Jun 2016 at 3.40pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2469
Word has it that the Welsh have found another use for their sheep. .....it's called wool.
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#2469 5 Jun 2016 at 9.45am | | |
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In reply to Post #2466
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#2468 4 Jun 2016 at 11.24pm | | |
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Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"
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#2467 1 Jun 2016 at 11.48pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2466
boom boom ......boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
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#2466 1 Jun 2016 at 4.49pm | | |
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A blokes fat wife walks into the kitchen and says , didn't you just hear me fall down the stairs ?
He says , sorry love , I thought you were watching the start of east Enders
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#2465 1 Jun 2016 at 11.49am | | |
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2 girls at the cinema watching a film.......after a while one girl turns to the other and says ere the bloke next to me is playing wiv imself..........oh just ignore him..........I can't he's using my hand.
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#2464 1 Jun 2016 at 11.41am | | |
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A daughter asked her mother, "how do you spell 'scrotum'?" mum replied, " you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.
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#2463 1 Jun 2016 at 11.38am | | |
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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#2462 11 May 2016 at 10.56pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2461
my sister had big problems being a kleptomaniac , when it was too much for her she would take something for it.
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#2461 27 Apr 2016 at 7.11pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2460
Thinking of selling my hoover, its just collecting dust.
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#2460 26 Apr 2016 at 10.39pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2459
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#2459 26 Apr 2016 at 4.31pm | | |
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I said to my missus this morning , you look just like a saint "
She said , "ohh , do I really "
I said yeah, a ****ing Saint Bernard
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#2458 25 Apr 2016 at 9.46pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2456
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#2457 22 Apr 2016 at 9.34pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2456
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading This..
You hang in there......
Tel
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#2456 21 Apr 2016 at 5.59pm | | |
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How unlucky is my mate , he went in hospital today to have his tonsils out and some ****er turned the trolley round
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#2455 19 Apr 2016 at 5.13pm | | |
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Last year my wife ran away with the neighbour.
I still miss him.
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#2454 19 Apr 2016 at 12.55pm | | |
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Billy said to Johnny like your new phone, yeah said Johnny you’ll never guess how I got it, I came home early from Sunday school and caught mum and dad at it like rabbits so they bought me the phone to stay the full session you should try it, yeah says Billy I’ll give it a go, the next Sunday Billy go’s home early and catches his parents at it doggy fashion, as he stood in the doorway his dad says OH hello Billy what do you want? I wanna watch, ok son come in and sit over there.
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#2453 18 Apr 2016 at 9.05pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2452
Well it made me chuckle when I had it arrive on my phone, almost as much as reading the football thread on here😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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#2452 18 Apr 2016 at 6.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2449
That's quality
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#2451 18 Apr 2016 at 3.53pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2449
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#2450 18 Apr 2016 at 1.16pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2449
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#2449 18 Apr 2016 at 12.18pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
The next quote is, “I had a dream!”
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”
“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”
“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “bloody Asians!”
“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”
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#2448 17 Apr 2016 at 10.55am | | |
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In reply to Post #2447
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#2447 17 Apr 2016 at 9.39am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Two blokes walking through a jungle when they see a crocodile with a blokes head sticking out of its mouth. One says to his mate, look at that flash barsteward hes only got a lacoste sleeping bag
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#2446 16 Apr 2016 at 11.41pm | | |
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Mick goes in to a flag shop to get a flag for the queen's birthday, bejazzus oy'll have a green union jack says Mick, the assistant is in tears with laughter and says they are red,white and blue, OK says Mick oy'll have a blue one
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#2445 13 Apr 2016 at 9.39pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2442
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#2444 13 Apr 2016 at 9.33pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2443
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#2443 13 Apr 2016 at 9.09pm | | |
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Paddy gets the sack for doing the worst bricklaying on the site, he says to the gaffer I have a wife and 4 kids to support please keep me on, I can't afford to says the gaffer, OK OK says Paddy if I show you a wall that is worse than that will you keep me on? yeah ok I suppose so, Paddy shows him a wall that is pissed in every direction, jeeeeze says the gaffer that's really bad you can keep your job, oh thanks boss, by the way says the boss who did that? Paddy says I did.......
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#2442 13 Apr 2016 at 7.16pm | | |
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Bloke next door , who I don't like asked how many rolls of wallpaper I bought for my lounge .
Twelve , I replied .
Next time I saw him he said , I got twelve and had six left over.
I said , so did I
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#2441 7 Apr 2016 at 11.20am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Women are like parking spaces. When all the good ones are gone and when no one's looking, stick it in a disabled one.
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#2440 31 Mar 2016 at 1.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2439
Wah - that censor thing works a bit too well!
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#2439 31 Mar 2016 at 1.16pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2431
I was born in S****horpe - the joke about Tony will never be as bad as the joke about S****horpe - that always seemed to appear on the inside of the loo doors.
If Typhoo put the T in Britain - Who put the **** in S****horpe.
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#2438 31 Mar 2016 at 6.31am | | |
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In reply to Post #2437
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#2437 29 Mar 2016 at 10.36am | | |
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In reply to Post #2436
What do Adam Johnson and a tortoise have in common? They both get there before the hair
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#2436 29 Mar 2016 at 10.09am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Saw this in a local paper!!!!
"This is Lexi. She's an 14-week-old German Shepherd.
I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house."
Tel
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#2435 26 Mar 2016 at 3.26pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2434
And was he ?
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#2434 24 Mar 2016 at 8.36pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
As jesus was nailed to the cross, he looked down on his diciples and said...........don't ****ing touch my easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday!
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#2433 24 Mar 2016 at 8.33pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2429
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#2432 24 Mar 2016 at 9.27am | | |
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In reply to Post #2430
I'm surprised they didn't call you sirry ****
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#2431 23 Mar 2016 at 10.30pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2430
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#2430 23 Mar 2016 at 9.08pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2429
I think I did get it really
When I worked in China - they called me Toe Lee
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#2429 23 Mar 2016 at 8.51pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2428
What do you call a man with no shins................................................
TOE........KNEE = Tony!!!
not Tony59
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#2428 22 Mar 2016 at 10.25pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2417
I don't get it....
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#2427 18 Mar 2016 at 5.54pm | | |
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What's the difference between three cocks and a joke .?
You're mum can't take a joke
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#2426 7 Mar 2016 at 4.53pm | | |
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A three foot midget go's into the gent's public toilet and points Percy to the porcelain, in walked a giant of a man with a twitch, after a minute or so the big guy looked down to the little guy and said isn't it funny you have the same affliction as me, the little guy looked up and said "affliction be buggered, every time you twitch you keep pissing in my ear".
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#2425 5 Mar 2016 at 12.10pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2423
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#2424 5 Mar 2016 at 7.29am | | |
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In reply to Post #2423
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#2423 5 Mar 2016 at 7.00am | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Q. Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?.
A. Your wIfe will always "blow" your bonus!!
Tel
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#2422 27 Feb 2016 at 9.20pm | | |
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All the following spoken in a west country farmers voice
Farmer Brown!
Yes farmer piles Giles
I hear you have a very rare pig, the same as me,
That's right I do, why do you ask?
If we get them together to mate, their offspring will earn us a fortune,
Right, mine is a male so to conserve his energy for the boncking session you bring your girl over to my farm in the morning
farmer Giles put her in a wheel barrow and off they go,
the deed was done
next morning
is she up the duff?
how do I tell?
she will be laying on her back with two feet in the air.
Oh no she's standing.
ok bring her back in the morning.
this go's on for a week
on the last day
is she laying on her back.....
No!
what's she doing
she's in the wheel barrow with a big grin on her face.
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#2421 26 Feb 2016 at 7.50pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?
One's a heavyweight, the other is a little lighter
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#2420 23 Feb 2016 at 6.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m six-foot tall, 14-stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”
“Now seriously, Mister, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
“No …. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.
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#2419 22 Feb 2016 at 1.11pm | | |
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An East London girl runs home to mum crying , mum asks what's the matter?
My new boyfriend says I've got East end tits and West end hips,
Don't worry about that your dad had a Whopping cock and a Barking arse and we're still together
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#2418 20 Feb 2016 at 3.48pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
Dear Agony Aunt:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
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#2417 19 Feb 2016 at 9.29pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2416
What do you call a man with no shins................................................
Tony!!!!
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#2416 18 Feb 2016 at 1.42pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2415
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter
You had trouble with #5.......Typical, you know the criminals, murderers,
thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don’t know the Pope!
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#2415 17 Feb 2016 at 7.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2414
What weighs 18 stone and rides a Derby winner.
Adam johnsons soon to be cell mate
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#2414 17 Feb 2016 at 12.55pm | | |
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My mate , who is dyslexic is on a new water , he's just text me that he's had a 23lb Crap
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#2413 12 Feb 2016 at 9.09am | | |
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Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts,' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch.....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts
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#2412 11 Feb 2016 at 7.50am | | |
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In reply to Post #2411
Yes about 30 years ago 
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#2411 10 Feb 2016 at 9.31pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2410
did you tell them the one about 6 legs as well???
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#2410 10 Feb 2016 at 10.58am | | |
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In reply to Post #2397
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
Just told that to the blokes at work.
They're still laughing
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#2409 5 Feb 2016 at 3.08pm | | |
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A prisoner in a British jail has been caught with 4 mobile phones up his arse.
After struggling to squeeze them out,his ringtone changed.
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#2408 5 Feb 2016 at 2.21pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2407
Was in a que earlier behind a great big fat bird with a huge Arse , her phone started bleeping and
The young lad behind me shouts out , **** me , mind out , she's reversing
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#2407 5 Feb 2016 at 9.14am | | |
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In reply to Post #2404
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#2406 4 Feb 2016 at 1.24pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2404
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Tel
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#2405 4 Feb 2016 at 10.39am | | |
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In reply to Post #2404
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#2404 4 Feb 2016 at 9.19am | | |
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Flagged a black cab down in London this morning and said to the driver "Waterloo please mate"
"The station , he replied" . I said well I'm a bit ****ing late for the battle ain't I
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#2403 2 Feb 2016 at 9.49pm | | |
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Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, yet every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.
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#2402 2 Feb 2016 at 7.36pm | | |
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I said to a local business man your obversely very rich and successful
what is your negative side?
"my honesty" he said
"I don't think that's bad"
"I don't give a f*** what you think".
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#2401 1 Feb 2016 at 5.51pm | | |
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I said to my mate Bob....my wife tells me that all her girl friends
says your fantastic in bed and can go at it for ages, how do you do it?
well said Bob......before I go in the bedroom I go in the kitchen and drop
me strides then bash the old spam ram on the work top till it throbs and
I can hardly feel it, ok so now I'm going to try it, I left work early and crept
into the kitchen, dropped everything and bashed the life out of Mr wiggle
till he was throbbing when all of a sudden the wife calls out......"is that you Bob"?
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#2400 31 Jan 2016 at 6.29pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2399
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#2399 31 Jan 2016 at 1.09pm | | |
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My wife walked in on me watching porn the other day, to my suprise she ripped all of her clothes off and told me to **** her like you see the women in porn.
So i stopped every 7 seconds and shouted ****ing connection.
Thanks Virgin media.
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#2398 30 Jan 2016 at 0.12am | | |
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In reply to Post #2397
Or tell her this joke 3 times in a row
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#2397 30 Jan 2016 at 0.10am | | |
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In reply to Post #2394
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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#2396 30 Jan 2016 at 0.10am | | |
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In reply to Post #2394
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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#2395 30 Jan 2016 at 0.10am | | |
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In reply to Post #2394
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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#2394 28 Jan 2016 at 2.38pm | | |
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Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit and killed her stone dead on the spot.
Jesus looked towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
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#2393 27 Jan 2016 at 9.40pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2392
Guy had trouble getting erection,doc gave him prescription,wondered why girls in chemist were giggling,
When he got home he looked at box and it said,take one tablet each evening.......they were called
MICOXXAFLOPIN
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#2392 25 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2391
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#2391 24 Jan 2016 at 5.58pm | | |
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, he tests it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon, the son says, "I did maths at school." The robot slaps the son, the son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies.", dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Star Wars," the robot slaps the son, Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn," dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was," the robot slaps the father, mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son," the robot slaps the mum.
Robot for sale.
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#2390 18 Jan 2016 at 9.58pm | | |
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A major British snack food company has decided to honour Tim Peake's recent history-making space walk, by renaming one of their most popular biscuits after him.
McVities 'Gingernauts' will be available at all leading food retailers in the near future.
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#2389 16 Jan 2016 at 2.21pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2388
£4m for Charlie Austin - Southampton are getting someone with experience - they'll not get lost next year driving to the other Championship grounds...
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#2388 16 Jan 2016 at 12.53pm | | |
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My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
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#2387 13 Jan 2016 at 6.56pm | | |
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Do you know what the first sign of Madness is ,
Suggs walking up you're drive
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#2386 12 Jan 2016 at 3.47pm | | |
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I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.
I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called A couple of drinks with the girls after work.
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#2385 12 Jan 2016 at 11.12am | | |
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Sean Connery walks into a cake shop in Sauchiehall Street and says to the woman serving, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
The woman replies, "No your right, it's a macaroon"
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#2384 10 Jan 2016 at 7.34pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2383
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#2383 8 Jan 2016 at 7.33pm | | |
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I went down to the morgue to identify my wife's body when just before the Mortician lifted the sheet some gas escaped resulting in a farting sound.
"I'm sorry, " he said, "this happens sometimes. "
"No need to lift the sheet, " I replied, "I would recognise that smell anywhere. "
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#2382 5 Jan 2016 at 9.27pm | | |
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Why are some people so thick . Was out with my dog today this bloke came up to me and said what's that ?
So I told him , it's a dog
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#2381 4 Jan 2016 at 5.53pm | | |
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A woman goes to the doctor and says I think I'm pregnant will you examine me so I know for sure, OK says doc get your kit off and jump on this (pointing to the couch) after a brief fondle in all departments the doc says no....it's wind, thank you says woman and goes home to tell her husband, a week goes bye and she visits the doc again.....I'm sure I'm pregnant will you check again for me........after another fondle in the canyon and everywhere else he says no as I said before its wind.....oh OK she says.....goes home and tells the old fella the news.....NO NO that's not right I'll come with you....doc confirms to them both "its wind".......the old geezer says your 100% sure.....yes says the doc.....with that the fella slaps his bobby dangler on the desk and says.....what do you think this is.........a bloody bicycle pump.
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#2380 3 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2379
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#2379 3 Jan 2016 at 1.01pm | | |
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I saw a woman coming out of a building chanting "I MUST I MUST IMPROVE MY BUST" I said to her what's this all about, she said its a new type of enlargement therapy, I thought I would investigate, as I went into the lobby a guy came out chanting "HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
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#2378 3 Jan 2016 at 12.47pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2377
Wife says to husband what would you say if you caught me in bed with your best friend
I'd call you a lesbian
no no what if it was a mas, what would you do I'd kick his guide dog
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#2377 1 Jan 2016 at 9.30pm | | |
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2 New Years Resolutions:
- Wash hands after taking a sh1t at work.
- Improve on my Big Mac preparation time.
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#2376 1 Jan 2016 at 6.38pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2375
Bloke says to his missus , why don't you tell me when you've had an orgasm?
She says , because I don't like ringing you at work
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#2375 31 Dec 2015 at 10.16pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2374
Why did Adele cross the road,
To say hello from the other side
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#2374 29 Dec 2015 at 6.14pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2373
stick that on the footy thread and get lashed
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#2373 28 Dec 2015 at 6.32pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2372
Dennis law was asked yesterday if his team would beat this current man Utd side, yeah , 1-0 was
His reply.
When he was asked why would it only be 1-0 , his reply was , because we're all in our 70's now
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#2372 26 Dec 2015 at 11.05pm | | |
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What do transvesdites do at Christmas?
A> eat,drink,and be Mary
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#2371 26 Dec 2015 at 0.06am | | |
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In reply to Post #2369
My cracker joke . My phone only works in church , it's pray as you go
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#2370 25 Dec 2015 at 5.49pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2369
CRACKERS!!!!!! CRACKERS!!!!!! who's cracker's
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#2369 24 Dec 2015 at 6.05am | | |
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i suppose you lot will be getting some new material for here now the cracker season is upon us
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#2368 23 Dec 2015 at 10.20pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2366
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#2367 23 Dec 2015 at 8.49pm | | |
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Just bought some sage & onion flavoured condoms. Should come in handy if I find a plump bird that wants stuffing...
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#2366 23 Dec 2015 at 6.17pm | | |
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In reply to Post #1
The night before Christmas
Throughout the house
We were all ****ed
Even the mouse
Dad at the brothel
Mum with uncle frank
I settled down
For a nice slow w&nk
Outside the house
I heard a right clatter
I let go of my cock
To see what was the matter
Out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew right away
It was old st Nick
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
The big fat ****er
I think he fell
He filled all our stockings
With sweets and beer
And a big rubber cock
For my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The big fat ****
Blew the house apart
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Shouting I'll be back next year
Have a hell of a night
Merry xmas fellow jesters
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#2365 20 Dec 2015 at 7.47pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2362
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#2364 20 Dec 2015 at 7.13pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2360
Spammer
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#2363 20 Dec 2015 at 12.44pm | | |
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As the sad news of Jimmy Hill's death was announced today, it was also revealed that the pantomime he was appearing in has been cancelled out of respect.
Tickets for Chinderella can be refunded at the box office.
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#2362 19 Dec 2015 at 1.37pm | | |
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A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
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#2361 19 Dec 2015 at 12.24pm | | |
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In reply to Post #2360
A good start Nic, welcome to the forum
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#2360 18 Dec 2015 at 10.17pm | | |
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Little Joey's confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, Is
that you, little Joey Pagano? Yes, Father, it is. And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Joey, I'm sure to
find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I
cannot say. Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capelli? I'm
sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa
DiAngelo, then? Please, Father! I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back
to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Four months
vacation and five good leads...
Great jokes ... you can share them with my friends at nodepositforum.com if you like, that
is where I found this one, Ill bring you some more later.
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